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Will And Grace Jokes

110 will and grace jokes and hilarious will and grace puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about will and grace that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Will And Grace Short Jokes

Short will and grace jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The will and grace humour may include short grace jokes also.

  1. Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen. In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.
  2. An American asks a Frenchman: Why don't the French say grace before their meal? Because we can cook
  3. My father was very disciplined and my mother was very graceful I guess that's what makes me such a disgrace
  4. What do you call an elephant that is pleasingly graceful and stylish in appearance and manner? An elegant.
  5. There are two categories of people in this world, graceful and clumsy... I always seem to fall into the ladder
  6. If you're Christian and poor you can end grace by saying the name of the food you're about to eat. Ramen
  7. Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, i wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor?
  8. If you wish to grow old with Joy, Grace and feeling Rosy all over... You had better ask for their permission first!
  9. What do you call a red head Asian girl who does things with grace? Ginger Lee.
    *If you ever see this I'm sorry for stealing your original joke @Ziplock*
  10. My black friend called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend. But then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend, Grace.

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Will And Grace One Liners

Which will and grace one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with will and grace? I can suggest the ones about amazing grace and willpower.

  1. Saying Grace My wife's cooking is so bad we pray after the meal
  2. What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace? Grace
  3. My wife is such a terrible cook... We say grace after we're done eating.
  4. Just read a Calvinist romance novel It's called Irresistible Grace
  5. What do you call a chicken that moves ever so gracefully? Poultry in motion
  6. Hey girl, is your name Grace? Because you're Amazing.
  7. How do Vegans start grace? Lettuce pray...
  8. How did the Chinese Vicar introduce herself? By singing "I'm Asian Grace."
  9. A gardener fell from grace and forgot how she once was. So she went back to her roots.
  10. What do you call a prayer that lasts for 72 hours? Three Days Grace
  11. Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
  12. What does "grace" mean to you? I think it's an abbreviation of "great" and "ace."
  13. Shall we say Grace? Or we can say Hannah. Doesn't matter to me.
  14. What's it called if women in heaven still m**...? A grace period.

Will And Grace Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about will and grace you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wish granted jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make will and grace pranks.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

What Liberals & Conservatives Generally Do In Certain Situations
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't` eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.

Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.


She warns him that he'll f**... his guts out.
One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually f**... his guts out and stop the flatulence.
The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom.
Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me f**... my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"

Once upon a time, in a far away land, a beautiful independent, confident princess met a frog, while sitting and considering the environmental issues of the world, at the side of an infected lake, in a very green meadow, near her castle.
The frog jumped on princess’ knees and said: "My sweet lady, once I was a handsome prince, until an evil witch cursed me.
I f you kiss me, however, I will become again that graceful prince I once was.
Then, my sweety, we will get married and we will live in your castle, and you will cook for me, you will wash my clothes, and you will give birth to my childre and you will feel so happy and graceful for being able to do all these things forever!"
That night, the princess enjoying her nice cooked frog legs, she chuckled inside and thought: "...and then he woke up."

In a fight with the drill sergeant from "

Full Metal Jacket," I'm afraid Chuck would gracefully decline to fight.

The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace.


"For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."

A girlfriend said to me during s**... that I should be a little more graceful, so I went to ballet classes!

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

What's more beautiful than a delicate rose placed gracefully upon an elegant grand piano?

Somebody putting tulips on your o**....

Bagpiper at a f**...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;

"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

Bagpipes at a f**...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. Played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept. We all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

The grace of the hunt

Two brothers, who are hunters, get invited to a very famous Hunting club by their father. Once there, they mingle with the members and have an awesome time. Tons of drinking, lots of stories about big game hunting. As the night was nearing it's end, the young men's father asks them if they would be interested in speaking to the club's oldest member, and they, of course, jump at the opportunity. Their father points them to a very frail looking elderly man sitting in a recliner. The young men introduce them selves, tell the old man some of their stories, and all three of them clearly enjoy each other's company. Just as the young brother's were about to leave, the old man starts to tell them his greatest story.
" I was hunting alone in the African wilderness. I found myself with no food, water or shelter. As the day was coming to an end, i barely managed to gather enough wood for a fire. I start to doze off with my rifle in hand, when i hear a rustling sound behind me. I jump to my feet and, just as i turn around, a 600 pound, male lion jumps out at me and lets out a great big ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! And, i just crapped my pants"
The young hunters look at one another. Finally, one of them says " I mean, sir. Given the circumstances anyone would have done so".
"NO!" the old man replies, "Not then, just now when i said ROOOOOOAAARRRR!!!"

A guy sits in front of TV all day, f**... like there's no tomorrow.

But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog p**....
The wife, understandably is very angry, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna f**... your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, her husband falls asleep.
The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.
"What happened?" asked his wife.
"Well," the man said, "you were right. I f**... my guts out."
"What did you do?" asked his wife.
"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"

There was once a man who woke up every morning and f**... really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to f**... your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I f**... my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

First Impressions

A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...

... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"

Dandruff in the Elevator

A blonde and a brunette get into an elevator and punch in two of the highest floors. They do not know each other, so they stay to themselves.
About halfway up to their respective floors, a balding gentleman enters the elevator with them, with some of the most atrocious dandruff either of the women had even seen gracing the shoulders of his suit. He didn't seem to notice, but they were practically revolted for the trip.
His floor came up quickly and as the door shut from his exit, the brunette looked up to the blond and commented That man needs to get some Head and Shoulders.
The blonde got really confused before asking,
Wait, how do you give shoulders?

A bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeraldirector to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Wisconsin back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. >> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. >> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Honor Guard bagpiper

As an Honor Guard bagpiper, I play many gigs for other people. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a county cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Apparently, I'm still lost… It's a man thing.

Drinking too much

Every night a guy would come home blitzed out of his mind and p**... in the kitchen sink.
His wife grew tired of this and always berated him, "Johnny! One of these nights you are going to come home and p**... your guts out!!"
He doesn't listen so she decides to put a chicken's worth of chicken guts in the sink to teach him a lesson.
That night Johnny comes home and again pukes in the sink.....
The next morning his wife says, "You see it finally happened...."
Johnny says, "You were right dear but through the grace of God and your long handled spoon.....I got them all back in again"

I played for a homeless mans f**...

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

A guy and a girl have been dating for a while...

and she tells him that she's ready to go the next step of their relationship and have s**.... She invites him over for dinner at her parents house and then afterwards to go back to her place to do the deed.
After much consideration he decides that he should buy condoms just to be safe for their night of love making. So he goes to the pharmacy and takes a look. He becomes indecisive about which package of condoms to buy, should he buy the large fifty pack or go with the four pack? He decides to ask the pharmacist and explains the situation to him. After speaking with him for a while he decides to get the large fifty pack.
Later that night, he goes to his girlfriends parents house for dinner, bringing her mother flowers. They all sit around the table, and he to the surprise of his girlfriend offers to say grace. They all bow their heads and five minutes go by, ten minutes go by and he's still saying prayers. The girlfriend leans over to him and says:
"Wow I didn't know you were so religious." He leans back over and responds "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."
(Haven't seen this one on here so I thought I would share)

A marooned Baptist is rescued by a ship.

A Baptist has been stranded on a deserted island for two years. Upon being rescued, a sailor asks: "You survived. Remarkable. How did you do it?"
The Protestant says, "By the grace of God. Come, let me show you where I lived." So the sailors and the castaway retreat into the jungle.
After a short walk, the sailors and the shipwrecked man come upon three mud huts. The captain, suspicious that the castaway might not be telling the entire truth, asks: "are there others here?"
"No, sir. Just me." Says the castaway.

"Why are there three huts?"
"Well... that one is my house... that one is my church... and that one is where I used to go to church."

First time s**...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s**... before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and s**....
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was the pharmacist!"

The week before senior prom the two young lovers anxiously planned the consummation of their love. Even though they had just met they knew it was right.

Tammy was going to secure the hotel reservation
and set up the alibi so that neither's parents
would know. Jimmy was given the unenviable
task of purchasing condoms. Having no idea
what he was doing he enlisted the help of the
man at the counter who advised him that a
package of 12 would be best.
Prom night began with dinner at Tammy's house.
After Grace was said and the dinner blessed
Jimmy's head remained bowed with his face in
his hands. When the pause became
uncomfortable Tammy leaned in and whispered
"I had no idea that you were so religious" to
which he replied:
"I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist"
[edit] format for mobile
[edit] I thought the post was funny and now I think comments are...

Catholic Joke

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk were talking

about how they paid themselves every week after the worshippers donated to the temple, church etc.

The Priest: I have a good method. I draw a circle on the ground, step in the middle and throw all the donated money up on the air. With the grace of God whatever falls in the circle is my salary and outside belongs to the church.

The monk: how interesting, I almost do the same thing. But I believe what falls within the circle belongs to the monastery and outside is mine.

The rabbi chimes in, oh my God, we all think alike. I do the same thing. I draw a circle, get in the middle of it and throw all the donations in the air. What stays up in the air belongs to the temple and what falls on the ground is mine!

Note: Before labeling me an anti-semite, be advised my uncle (an Orthodox Rabbi) is the one who told me this joke, which he was told 50+ years ago in Yeshiva.

Shopping back then

My pop was telling me about how back in the fifties you could get so much more from the shops.

Het tells me "we used to be able to go into grace brothers with ten dollars and come out with two pairs of socks, some new u**..., a razor or two and a small bottle of aftershave."

But unfortunately as he tells me, "you can't get that much for ten dollars anymore...there's too many security cameras"

An atheist was...

..walking through the forest, admiring the beauty of nature when suddenly, a feral bear came out of nowhere. He ran away and the bear chased him into a corner. Just before the bear could attack him, the atheist yelled "OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!". Time stopped, the heavens opened and a voice came from heaven. God said "I thought you didn't believe in me?". The atheist replied "I still don't...until you do something for me." God entertained the atheist's request and asked if the atheist wanted to become a believer and be saved. The atheist thought hard about it and asked God to turn the bear into a Christian, since the Christians he knew were not violent people. Then God replied with a "IT IS DONE.", the heavens closed and time resumed. The bear paused in his attack and the atheist let out a sigh of relief. Then the bear knelt down, clasped its paws together and began to say grace.

Four ladies are having coffee together...

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second woman replies, "My son is an Archbishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God..'"

A man with three daughters.

So, there was a man with three daughters.
One morning, his eldest daughter asks, "Dad, why is my name Rose?"
The man replies, "Sweetheart, that's easy. The first thing to fall and grace your head was a rose, so we named you Rose."
Rose says, "Okay that makes sense," and she leaves.
The next morning, his second daughter asks, "Why is my name Daisy?"
The man replies, "Sweety, that's easy. The first thing to fall and grace your head was a daisy, so we named you Daisy."
Daisy says, "Alright that makes sense," and leaves.
The next morning, his third daughter yells, "UGHH NAA UHHHHH!"
"SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!" says the man.
Best results if you actually yell, make a face and throw hands everywhere.

What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Nancy Grace going horseback riding?

One's a hunt on a course...
Cr

An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body.

The artist says, "God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that."
The engineer says, "God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itself, the perfect mechanisms of its joints, its balance and speed and grace to see that."
The civil planner gives them the finger and says, "God is an accountant! That sumbitch cut the cost of materials in half by running a waste disposal plant through a pristine recreational area!"

p**... the Englishman, p**... the Irishman and p**... the Scotsman are arguing in a pub

p**... the Englishman, p**... the Irishman and p**... the Scotsman are arguing in a pub over who comes from the most respectable family.
p**... the Englishman starts 'My uncle is a Bishop and when he walks down the street people address him as Your Grace'.
p**... the Scotsman replies 'That's nothing, my uncle is a Cardinal and when he walks down the street people bow and address him as Your Eminence'
Finally p**... the Irishman pipes up 'That's noting, my uncle weighs 32 stone and when he walks down the street people stare and exclaim JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY'

The r**... Poet

Robert Frost and a r**... came to heaven's gate at the same time. St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.'' Robert Frost stepped up and recited a magnificent, graceful poem and was let in the gates.
Then the r**... stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?''
The r**... paused and scratched. ''Oh! I got it,'' said the r**..., ''here it goes...Me and Tim a huntin' went, Met three maidens in a tent, They was three and we was two, So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.''

Intrepid Engineer

A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.
The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in his divine grace has saved me!" The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave.
Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, the blade stops abruptly halfway down. "There is no god but Allah," the Muslim cries, "who in his infinite mercy has saved me!" The executioner sets him free, too.
Meanwhile, the engineer has been peering attentively up at the guillotine. "I think I see your problem," he says.

WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class...

When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans' Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his eyes lit up and he became animated, swooping his hand gracefully through the air to simulate the various paths his plane took.
Speaking with a slight Cockney accent he explained, Then I seen this fokker comin' right at me from one o'clock, so I dives and turns right and comes up right behind him. I fired my guns and blew that fokker right out of the air! Then I sees two more of them fokkers comin' up from below, at seven o'clock, so's I….
Just then, the teacher, Mrs. Johnson, interrupts with, I think we should explain to the sixth graders that Fokker was a type of German aircraft.
Oh no Miss. They waz flyin' Messerschmitts.

The detectives questioned me for hours as to the whereabouts of the 'Will & Grace" starlet...

People said they'd seen us all over the city, holding hands and kissing.
I told them I had no idea what they were talking about.
"We urge you to cooperate, Mr. Morris. We've got several eyewitnesses who claim they've seen you and Debra Messing around."

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson

were guest preachers at a nearby
black Houston Church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it
was all about.
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was
because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: By the will of Jesus the Lord All
Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: By the Grace of God, and his Son
Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today.
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my frickin car had
been stolen…

Four Priests and a Woman Sit Down For Lunch around St. Peter's Square...

The first priest says: "My son's a priest, whenever he walks in a room people say 'Hello Father!'"
The second priest says: "My son's a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace!"
The third priest says: "Well my son's a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say "Your Eminence!"
The fourth priest looks at his fellows and says: "My son's the pope, when he walks into a room everyone says "Your Holiness!"
So, after proudly talking about their kids they look over at the woman with them kind of as if to say "and you?"
The woman says: I've got a daughter, she's got knockout face, DDs, and a 24 waist, whenever she walks into a room everyone says "OH MY GOD!"

CATHOLIC COFFEE BREAK

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him '*Father*'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him '*Your Grace*'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says '*Your Eminence*'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him '*Your Holiness*'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

b**... in the north are called 'Snow', but what are b**... in the south called?

"Your grace"

Four older men are bragging about their sons

The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.

My wife is as graceful as a sea mammal in the water

What?like a dolphin?
No more like a manatees

A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says
"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"
Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.
"At Home, you *always* say grace"
Swallowing, the husband replies.
"Honey, that's at home. Here, the chef actually knows how to cook"

A woman and her daughter are hosting a dinner party.

When all the guests arrive, the woman asks the little girl to say grace. She says, "But Mommy, I don't know what to say?" The mother says, "You've heard me pray. Just say you've heard me say." So the girl says, "Jesus, what was I thinking inviting all these people over to my house?"

p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are

p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".

What did the Formula 1 commentator say when Kimi Raikkonen drifted gracefully past the finish line in pole position?

"That's a great finnish by the Ferrari star."

The creation of the woman.

When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.
"Adam, what are you praying for?"
"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of the land and wish for a partner! I want her to be beautiful like no other, smarter almost as you, loving, caring and passionate. She should be delicate and graceful like a swan, yet swift and nimble like a fox."
"You know Adam, that's gonna cost you an arm and a leg"
Adam pauses a moment to think before replying,
"What can I get for a rib?"

Once when I was a teenager

...I stopped at the drugstore to purchase some of those "necessary supplies." I told the pharmacist, "Better give me a dozen, I've got a hot date tonight with the school t**...!" When I got to her house, her mother insisted I join them for dinner. I offered to say grace, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. When I finished, my date leaned over to me and said, "Why, Paul! I had no idea you were so religious!" I replied, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

If there was a version of _The Voice_ for Christian singers, my sister would definitely win.

All they sing about is how Grace is so amazing.

A man answers a call on his cell phone.

Lady: Hello Sir, I want to meet & talk to you.
Man: Do you know me?
Lady: Yes, you are the FATHER of one of my KIDS!
Man stunned,oh my God!
Are you Fiona
No.
Are you Julie?
No.
Are you Cissy??
No.
Are you Flavia?
No.
Are you Alice?
No.
Are you Claudia?
No.
Are you Vannesa?
No.
Are you Grace?
No.
Are you Sarah?
No.
Are you Lydia?
No.
Are you Agnes?
No.
Are you Oliver?
No.
Are you Beth?
No.
Are you Carol?
No.
Are you Gloria?
No Sir, I am the class Teacher of your son
but you just made my day.

Well my son is...

A few Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter Square, Rome. The first Catholic man tells his friends,
My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.
The second Catholic man chirps, My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace.
The third Catholic man says, My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says Your Eminence
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, Well…?
She proudly replies, I have a daughter. She is slim, tall, and has measurements of 36D-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say Oh…my…God!

The Priest and the Tiger

A priest visits the zoo, but accidentally trips over, landing in the tiger enclosure. The tiger slowly approaches the priest, so the priest begins to pray.
To his surprise the tiger prays too.
'Its a miracle!' The priest exclaims. 'I thought you were going to eat me.'
'Shut up you idiot, I'm just saying grace!' Replies the tiger.

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.
I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.
it was a farfalle from grace.

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons.

The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third woman says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.
"My son is 6'2", has broad shoulders, is terribly handsome, and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest

"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.
"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.
"But there is no God" counters the official.
"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"

A king sends a scout to the northern part of his territory.

The scout returns and rushes to the King to deliver his report.
"Your Grace, the northerners are revolting!"
The King replies, "I do know that they don't take a bath that often, but isn't it a bit too rude to call them that?"

Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)

The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?
She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.