Wild Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely

if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Women are like hurricanes...

They enter your life wet and wild, and they leave with your lawn furniture THAT WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH, YOU BITCH.

Women are like hurricanes.

They come into your life wet and wild and then leave wiTH THE FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SUSAN YOU BITCH

A guy picks up a beautiful blonde girl and takes her back to his place...

They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it's all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.

"Wait! We should have used a condom! You don't have AIDS, do you!?"

The guy says, "No. I'm clean."

"Whew," the blonde girl says. "Good thing. I sure wouldn't want to catch that shit twice!"

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon

He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

Why are hurricanes named with female names?

Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Why do they name all hurricanes after women?

Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car

Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...

"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."

Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."

And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

Why were hurricanes and tropical storms originally always given women's names?

Because when they first come along it's all wet and wild with lots of suckin and blowin, but by the time it's over and they leave - your house is gone, your boat's gone, your truck's gone...

Three guys in a bed....

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild,

Except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.

TIL

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.



But how did they get this name?..



Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...



Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...



''Where the Fakawi?''

A boy asks his mom: "Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?"

... she says: "That was a pretty wild orgy, be glad you don't bark"

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

The Pope and Hillary Clinton

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."

His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.

Why are Hurricanes normally named after females?

Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car.

After telling his wife he was working late at the office

...a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"

What's 6 inches long , 2 inches wide and it drives the ladies wild?

Yup, you guessed it a 100 bill

Wild little old ladies.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'


'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting.

When it comes to sex I'm a wild animal...

More scared of you than you are of me

Three guys go to a ski lodge...

and there aren't enough rooms, so they end up sharing a bed.

In the morning the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing!"

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

Handjob

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

It was at the end of the school year,

and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Stages of man's sexuality [OC]

1. Puberty: masturbating in secrecy and shame.
2. Early adulthood: comfortable masturbation in your room and some casual sex with strangers.
3. First serious relationship: wild sex all the time.
4. First years of marriage: steady and regular sex.
5. Marriage after children: masturbating in secrecy and shame.

What do women and hurricanes have in common?

When they come, they're wet and wild. When they leave, they take your house and your car

Geography of a Woman vs a Man

Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed& convinced of her own beauty.

Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France... gently ageing but sensual,
with an appreciation for the finer things.

Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive
reconstruction.

From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:)

Between 15 and 80 a man is like Cuba... ruled by a dick.


Genie: "And what will your 3rd wish be?"

Me: slamming down my fork after my second piece of cheesecake. "TAKE A WILD FUCKING GUESS."

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.

But how did they get this name?..

Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...

Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...

''Where the Fakawi?''

A Doctor

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the day's activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear. In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

A black boy asks his white parents

"Daddy why are your and mommy's faces so bright if mine is so dark?" says the kid. The dad looks at him and goes: "Jimmy the party was so wild you should be happy you're not barking now".

A husband and wife went on a road trip.

They were driving by some plains when they sighted some wild pigs. The wife jokingly asked her husband," Are those relatives of yours?" Too which the husband replies," Yup! Those are my in-laws!"

What steps do you take if you encounter a bear in the wild?

Fucking big ones!

A fine taster once entered a restaurant and challenged the restaurant owner.

He told the restaurant owner to serve him anything, and he'd be able to identify it. The restaurant owner accepted the challenge, and the starter meal was served. The guest tasted it, thought about it for a few seconds and then said: "This is a patΓ© from a wild boar, duck and common quail. The wine is a ChΓ’teau Talbot 1961."

Everything was correct, but the restaurant owner was sure that he wouldn't be able to guess the main meal. The educated guest tasted it and then said: "This is a kangaroo fillet that has been boiled in yak broth, and then fried in wildebeest fat and the wine is an excellent ChΓ’teau Lacoste from 1914.

The restaurant chef was pissed and felt that he'd been dishonored. He went to the kitchen, shoved a banana up the female disher's pussy, then sliced it and put some chocolate sauce over it.

The fine taster took a bite out of it and said "Damn, is Suzie working here?"

How long could a Kardashian survive in the wild?

Forever. Plastic is not biodegradable.

Joke of the Day!

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.


"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.


The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."


The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."


"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Three old ladies are sitting on a bench in the park...

When a wild flasher appears and opens up his trench coat to reveal his nakedness, the first old last has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, the third old lady couldn't reach.

If you have never seen Man Vs Wild,

then urine for a treat.

The Lone Ranger

Once, in the Wild, Wild West, the lone ranger was captured by an Indian tribe. The Chief of the tribe says, "I have heard of you, Lone Ranger. If you can impress me enough within three days, I will let you go free."

So, the Lone Ranger thinks hard for a few minutes and says, "May I have a minute alone with my horse?"

The Chief obliges him, and not 30 seconds later, the horse gallops out of the tent and runs away. The Chief is puzzled, but the Lone Ranger seems satisfied nonetheless. A few hours pass, but then the Lone Ranger's horse returns with an absolutely beautiful blonde girl, with whom the Lone Ranger spends the night.

The Chief is absolutely amazed, but not enough so to let the Lone Ranger go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to, again, hold council with his horse. And again, the horse gallops away, returning later with a redhead even more beautiful than the previous lady.

The next day, the Chief tells the Lone Ranger, although he is impressed, he is not going to let him go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to be left alone with his horse. After the tribe vacated the room, he whispers into the horse's ear very succinctly,

"Bring. Posse."

Three strikes

Wild west. Newlyweds are on their way from the church in their carriage when the horse trips.

β€’ "One", counts the husband, to the bewildered glance from his new wife, and they keep going.

Shortly, the horse trips again.

β€’ "Two", counts the man, again receiving a puzzled look from his woman.

A little while later the horse trips for a third time.

β€’ "Three!", proclaims the man, jumps off the carriage, walks over to the horse and shoots it dead.

The wife, shocked and appalled, runs up to the man and starts shouting at him:

β€’ What *are* you doing!? You can't just get rid off something because it has made three mistakes, you can't apply a three-strike rule to everything you have in your life!!

The husband, calmly, looks at his wife and says:

β€’ "One"...

What do you get when you cross a cat and a wild boar?

Revocation of your grant money and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.

Phoning an ex

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Bernie leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, i can make this crowd go absolutely wild with joy? The will not just be a momentary joy, this joy will be huge and they will forever speak of this day as the day that we made America work for everyone!"

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! with one little wave of your hand ... show me!"

So Bernie Sanders backhand slapped her and THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY.

I'm like a wild animal in bed.

More afraid of you than you are of me.

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are standing on the stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd...

The Pope leans in toward Hillary and says "Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?" This joy will not be fleeting or momentary, in fact it will go deep into their hearts and they will forever remember this day and rejoice.

Hillary replies "I seriously doubt that! With one wave of your hand?..Show me!"

The Pope then backhands her right off the stage and the crowd goes wild.

My wife and I think about wild cats all the time.

But I don't think they think about ocelot.

What are the funniest wild jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Wild? Well, here are the best Wild puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Wild pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes