Wifes Jokes
38 wifes jokes and hilarious wifes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wifes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Wifes Short Jokes
Short wifes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wifes humour may include short mammary jokes also.
- I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
- My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea. - My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
- Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June - A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far! I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.
- I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day! - Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
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Wifes One Liners
Which wifes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wifes? I can suggest the ones about cheating wife and bad wife.
- My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.
- Wife: I'm pregnant. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not. - My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee. - What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
- TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway Whoops, wrong sub.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
- Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
- My son identifies as a crescent moon. I'm worried, but my wife says it's just a phase.
- What do you call a hippies' wife? Mississippi
- The wife caught me cross-dressing So I packed her things and left
- My wife left me because of my gambling addiction But I know I can win her back
- My wife asked if I could stop singing 'Wonderwall' I said maybe
- My wife and I have decided we don't want children We plan on telling them after supper
- My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta And now I'm cannelloni
Amusing & Witty Wifes Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about wifes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean train with wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wifes pranks.
I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them!
to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.
The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"
Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the label on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.
Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.
Wifes are like hurricanes
When they come they're warm and wet and when they go they take your house with them
Only o**... can Save Her
A man's wife goes into a coma.
The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have o**... s**... with her"
The man says"my god...."
Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"
The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"
He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"
I got a hard on at my wifes f**...
Guess you could say I had mourning wood.
A group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar.
When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps p**... and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies
"my wifes epileptic"
I Introduced my 20 years younger gf to my family and everyone hated her...
Maybe my wifes birthdayparty was not the right time afterall
The three fathers
A jew, a turkish and a german guy are all waiting in the hospital, while their wifes are giving birth to their sons.
Through a mistake in the hospital, the three babies get confused and none of them knows which one is his.
The german guy says: "No problem dudes, I got this" and walks into the room with the babies.
Three minutes later, every father is holding his son in hands. The other two ask: "How did you do that!?"
"Easy", said the german, "I came in and yelled 'Heil h**...!'. My son raised his arm, the jew s**... himself and the turk cleaned it up."
Wifes eye site
A older man comes home from work,and he finds his wife standing in front of the mirror crying. He walks over and asks what's the matter hunny? THE WIFE SAYS. Can you find anything good about me. Look at me my hairs gray, my b**... is sagging, my boots are hanging down.. Is there anything left that's good about me.
The husband looks her up and down , and then he reply. WELL YOUR EYE SITE IS GOOD.
Last night, I put a trampoline in place of my wifes bed.
When she found out, she hit the roof.
up on the oil rigs
so these two albertans, jordan and teddy, are working away up north, on a long stint. jordan says "hey teddy, whats the first thing you're gonna do when you get home" and teddy replies "I'm gonna go straight upstairs and tear off my wifes p**...!" and jordan says "oh yeah??" and teddy replies "yeah man they are really chafing me, right here".
I spent a few hours crying by my wifes grave again today
It's gonna be rough getting through each day until I get to bury her in there.
Sometimes I hold my wifes face in my hands
and wish I'd kept the rest of her...
I recent purchased a s**... doll.
It really took a load off my wifes back.
TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Jimmy Johns
Oops... Wrong sub.
I'll see myself out.
I went to my WIFES doctor and told him I was going to sue him.
When he asked why I explained that ever since my wife left his care she hasn't been s**... interested in me.
The doctor said all he done was cataract surgery and now she can see.
My friend asked what my wifes obsession with North America is all about
I'm not sure, but I said Alaska.
Impotence
Impotence is when Earths gravity is larger than your wifes
A man in the 80's was talking to his best friend when the conversation turned to their wifes.
"You know Jim, you ever tried spicying things up?"
"Whatd'ya mean Tom"
Leaning over to his ear, Tom whispered, "You know, like trying the other hole"
"Why of course not!" Jim exclaimed. "She might get pregnant!"
My wifes New Year resolution is
that I spend more time with the kids
