Wife Mood Jokes
55 wife mood jokes and hilarious wife mood puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wife mood that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Wife Mood Short Jokes
Short wife mood jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wife mood humour may include short happy mood jokes also.
- A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..." - I bought my wife a mood ring. When she's happy it turns blue.
When she's not happy it leaves a red mark on my forehead. - I bought my wife a mood ring. Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.
If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.
- My wife has this mood ring... It turns green when she's happy, blue when she's calm, and when she's angry it leaves a big red mark right on my forehead.
- Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.
The house is still messed up as usual. - Mood ring I got my wife a mood ring. When she's in a good mood it turns a beautiful shade of blue. When she's in a bad mood it leaves an ugly red mark on my forehead.
- I bought a cow shaped lamp for the bedroom, my wife asked me what for? I said its for mood lighting.
- My wife got me a mood ring for my birthday ...it turns green when I'm happy and leaves a red mark on her head when I'm mad
- My wife got me a mood ring... When I'm in a good mood it turns blue.
When I'm angry it leaves a huge red mark on her forehead. - My Wife decided to buy me a mood ring... ...to gauge my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns blue and when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark in her forehead.
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Wife Mood One Liners
Which wife mood one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wife mood? I can suggest the ones about mood and mood swing.
- Why was Aquaman's wife in a bad mood? She was going through minnow-pause
- What's the leader of north korea's wife wear when she's not in the mood? a Kimono
- Name something your wife does that never fails to put you in the mood Leaves the house
- My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period. She's just o**... acting.
- My wife blame her bad mood on p**... I think she really is o**...-acting
- For the period from 2014-2015, I had no s**... My wife was in a VERY bad mood.
Wife Mood Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about wife mood you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad mood jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wife mood pranks.
I bough my wife a mood ring, and when she's in a good mood the ring turns blue. But when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead.
A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having s**... to escape the attention of their son. According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist. However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other. One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer. So he sends a word to his wife through the son. The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.” The wife was having her period at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said. However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part. Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.” The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I've already written with my hand!”
A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having s**... to escape the attention of their son. According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist. However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other. One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer. So he sends a word to his wife through the son. The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.” The wife was having her period at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said. However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part. Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.” The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I've already written with my hand!”
One man's marriage has gotten a bit dull, so he asks a friend if he has any ideas on how to add some excitement back to the marriage.
"Well," his friend says, "you can always have an affair."
"I can't do that! I will always be faithful to her." the troubled man replies.
"If you convince her to let you do it, and then it won't be cheating."
The man agrees to give it a try. The next time his wife seems to be in a very good mood he shares the idea with her that a new partner would add excitement.
"Honey," his wife says, "that won't help our marriage.
Believe me, I already tried it."
Man & wife go to the Zoo.
In front of Gorilla cage
Man says :Excite him like u do to me!
Wife removes her top,Gorilla goes crazy.
Man:Tease him more,like u tease me
wife removed her jeans and gorilla goes wilder..
man opened d cage and pushed his wife in and says: NOW EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT U HAVE A HEADACHE AND U R NOT IN THE MOOD.
A guy is laying in bed reading a book while his wife is sleeping...
Every so often he reaches over and tickles her funny spot. Eventually she wakes up and yells at him saying, "What are you doing, I told you I wasn't in the mood tonight!"
He responds back with, "I understand and respected your wishes".
Irritated she asks, "Then why do you keep touching me?"
and he retorts, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page..."
Drunk homecoming
A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the morning, barely able to stand on his feet. He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then proceeds to knock.
knock, knock, knock....
After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less than a pleased mood.
"What possible reason could you have for coming home at this hour!?"
Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in the end the man replies.
"Breakfast!"
A man buys his wife flowers
After a long days work, a man leaves the office and heads home. He stopped at the store on his way to pick up some flowers for his wife, thinking he could possibly get her in the mood tonight.
He walks in the front door to see his wife watching TV, and hands her a dozen roses.
"Thank you so much, honey! These will look great in the vase on the Piano!"
After a long pause, the man asks his wife, "Well, do you know whats better than roses on a piano?"
She sits there puzzled.
"Tulips on an o**...!"
Why is it so hard to have a guys night out
Why it is hard to have a guys night out when you are in a relationship.Last Friday night I was invited with the boys for some fun. I told my wife I would be home by midnight,….I swear !!! Well the hours passed and the beers and shots went down to easily…around 2:30 am and a wee bit drunkin, I took a taxi home.
just as I got in the door…the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times…Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up , I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her (even when totally hammered…3 cucckoos plus 9 = midnight !!!
Well the next morning my wife was in a good mood and she asked what time I got in….I said twelve Midnight….she didn't seem mad at all ( I was thinking I got away with one)….
then she said we need a new cuckoo clock…I then asked her why…and she said….well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, then said oh $hit….cuckooed 4 times, cleared it's t**... and cuckooed 3 more times…laughed and cuckooed twice more and the tripped over the coffee table and f**...
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
s**... healing
Dave went to his doctor for a check up. The doctor said, "Well, you are in the best of health. Do you have any questions for me?" Dave thought for a moment and replied. "Yeah, I've noticed my wife isn't, you know, in the mood like she used to be. What can I do about that?" The doctor chuckled and said, "That's just part of growing old, Dave. Tell you what, I'll write you a prescription for these pills. Slip one into her drink and wait about 2 hours, she will be hot for you then."
Dave went home, and that night, he slipped a pill into her glass of water. Then he started thinking. What if she was ready to go and he couldn't perform? He quickly swallowed 3 of the pills and took some water. They went to bed and Dave waited for the drugs to do their magic. After a while, he figured they didn't work, and fell asleep. About two hours later, his wife suddenly sat straight up in bed and yelled, "I need a man! I need a man!" He sat straight up in bed next to her and yelled, "So do I! So do I!"
A man and his wife are on their honeymoon...
The two are in a splendid hotel, in their beds, snuggling down to make love when the newly made wife complains, "Honey, I feel like we're being watched." Because they're both former CIA, he decides to humor his wife and check around the room. Beneath the bed, behind it, even around the corners of the room.
"There's nothing here," he assures her and tries to start up the mood again. But she won't have it, so he goes looking around the room a second time. Since she's so upset, he keeps looking until he pulls back the rug to find a funny looking device. He unscrews the device, telling her, "Look, I've gotten rid of the bug. Now we can make love!"
The next morning, they're served breakfast in bed. The girl who brings their food asks if they had a nice night, to which they reply it was wonderful. But why does she ask? "I just wanted to make sure you were safe," she says. "Some time last night, the couple below you had a chandelier fall on them."
A young married couple are shy about s**...
and it was difficult for them the talk about it to each other. They decided to use an innocent phrase if they wanted to do the deed. They came up with the idea to call s**... "doing the wash".
One night the young husband asked his wife if she wanted to go do the wash. She told him she was not in the mood, and he went to bed alone. The wife began to feel bad that she had denied her husband his pleasure, and shortly followed to the bedroom and told him that they could do the wash, to which he replied, "That's okay dear, it was a small load, so I did it by hand."
My wife and I were having great difficulty conceiving.
We tried everything, got tested, tried in vitro, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, the doctor said we were putting too much pressure on ourselves. He said to throw away the charts and the thermometer and just enjoy s**... again, doing it whenever the mood struck.
On morning at breakfast, I was reading the paper and reached for the salt. My wife reached for it at the same time. Our fingers touched, our eyes met, and I swept everything off the table, picked up my wife and made love to her right there. Nine months later we had a baby.
Of course, we still aren't allowed in our local Burger King, but I think it was worth it.
An old couple gets in the mood.
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here n**... as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get n**...?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My n**... are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A wife has a c**... day and decides to come home early from work
When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".
Carl is always really cranky in the morning...
"Carl, you should really do something about your bad mood," Says his boss, as Carl enters office with a long face once again.
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it, boss."
"You know how I prevent this?" Answers his boss, "I make sure to have s**... with my wife every time before I go to work. It's a great way to start off the day. Perhaps you should try this yourself."
The next day Carl enters office, he seems very upbeat.
"Good day Carl, I see you're doing much better. Did you take my advice?" says his boss.
"I'm glad I did, boss! It really helped," answers Carl. "By the way, I didn't know you lived in such a nice place!"
A married couple with children made a code word for s**.....
The code phrase is "Typing a letter".
So on a Friday movie night, the husband is in the mood and asks his wife around their children, "would you like to type some letters tonight?". The wife says they're watching a good movie, maybe tomorrow.
Saturday comes and the husband is now in heat, all day keeps asking to "type". Finally at night as the kids are tucked in, the wife softly asks, "I'm sorry for making you wait, do you wanna type the letter now, honey?", to which the husband replies:
"Forget it, it's been handwritten."
What did Gimli say when his wife wasn't in the mood for s**...?
"You're going to have to toss me"
My wife was getting annoyed because I couldn't, you know, get it in the 'mood'...
"What's wrong?" she asked. "I don't know." said I. "I just can't think of anybody right now."
Today I found out that I have an additional risk factor for heart disease.
Apparently I am on an o**... contraceptive.
Every time my wife is in the mood for s**..., I say something s**... and suddenly she has a headache.
It's often when you misjudge the situation and people's feelings and make an inappropriate joke.
I remember one winter my wife slipped on the ice outside and fell over. She came into the house with her mother and she was sat on the couch crying, more through embarrassment than the fact she was hurt (she was fine physically).
After a short time, she stopped crying and my mother-in-law said, "Is everything okay now?"
In an attempt to lighten the mood I jokingly said, "Well, has anyone checked the pavement's okay?"
There was a stony silence as tumbleweed drifted across ...
I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March!"
I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March! I'm in the mood to do some stabbing from behind, if you know what I mean. "
She said, "I just might die of surprise if you make it to 23 stabs!"
So yeah, only my ego got murdered today.
Romance
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a p**... on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
A cop pulls over a speeding driver...
"Do you know why I pulled the over?" The cop asks the driver. The driver responds: "yeah I was going a little fast there." The cop nods and says "well I'm in a good mood today so if you give me a good reason for why you're speeding, I'll let you go ." The man thinks for a second and then says: "my wife ran off with a cop a few weeks ago, and when I saw the red lights flashing, I thought he was trying to give her back."
A wife has a gynecologist appointment tomorrow
A husband and wife were lying in bed. Getting in the mood, he started caressing her to turn her on.
"Sorry," she said, "I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to make sure I'm fresh and undisturbed before she inspects me."
He rolled over, feeling a little disappointed.
A moment later, he rolls back over and says, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm sick of the wife complaining. Last night she said 'You always come home from work in a bad mood. I can't remember the last time you walked through that door with a smile on your face.'" the guy says. "Of course she can't. She wasn't living there then."
I told my wife that she needs find joy in the little things in life.
She replied, honey, I am not in the mood right now for s**....
A farmer passing by his neighbours barn saw a strange sight inside
The farmer peered inside the barn door and there was his neighbour dancing around and taking off his clothes in front of an old John Deere. He knocks on the barn door, walks in and asks him why he's stripping and dancing in his barn. The neighbour says that him and his wife have been having trouble in the bedroom lately and that he has been going to the doctor to seek help. Still puzzled the farmer asks how this will help to which his neighbour replied Well, after the Doctor and I had a good chat he seemed to think I need to do a better job of getting her in the mood so he suggested I start with doing something s**..., to a tractor.
Husband and wife went to market....
Husband saw an action: "24-pack of beer for 20 €!", He quickly grabbed it and dropped it into shopping cart. Wife saw him and asked: "What are you doing?" He replies: "It's d**... cheap, 24 beers for 20 €!" Wife rolled with eyes and angry said: "That's to expensive and worthless. Remove that!" Husband obeyed her.
Few minutes later wife took make-up pack for 40€. Husband saw her and asked: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's more expensive than 24 beers! Why do you need that?" Wife:"Darling, i want that to make myself looking better and to get you in the mood for making love." Husband:"24 beers can make me h**... faster and cheaper!!!"
Michael Phelps is in bed with his wife and in the mood. Phelps gives her 'the look' and says "C'mon baby, I'm ready to go for the gold."
Phelps' wife sighs a bit and says "How about you go for the silver tonight and let me come first for once?"
My most common s**... position is 96
It's where me and my wife lie on the bed with our backs facing each other as she is not in mood ..
A construction worker tells his boss that he has a terrible headache
The boss answers: "Hey, what I do if I have a headache is, I go home and have s**... with my wife, then my head is clear again and I can come back to work"
The worker says he doesn't know about this and prefers taking some medication.
But this doesn't work, and so the boss basically orders him to go and have s**....
Two hours later, the worker is back, smiling and in a good mood, "hey boss, your trick worked, and btw. a nice house you have got there!"