Wife Material Jokes
12 wife material jokes and hilarious wife material puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wife material that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Wife Material Short Jokes
Short wife material jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wife material humour may include short wife mood jokes also.
- I thought my wife was going on a belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she'd actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials. It was a fabrication.
- My wife is working so I can just sit here. Sofa so good.
(I've got about 6 months to practice my dad joke material)
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Wife Material Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about wife material you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean girlfriend boyfriend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wife material pranks.
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
Another blonde joke.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Discipline is important
A wife calls her husband into their son's room. She says, "Look what I found under Johnny's bed!" as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat–o'–nine–tails of every size, color, and material. "What are we going to do with him?" she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, "Whatever we do we shouldn't s**... him."
So an older lady gets into a taxi...
She told the driver where she wanted to go, and off they were. As they passed a church, the old lady made the sign of the cross. The driver saw what she did and as they passed the town hall, he made the sign of the cross as well.
"Why did you do that? It's not a church."
"Well, they are made out of the same material." The driver chuckled
"Are you married?"
"Yes, I am" he responded confused
"When you kiss your wife on the cheek, do you also kiss her in the a**...?"
"No, why would I do that?"
"Well, they are made out of the same material."
All men on earth die at the same time...
At the gates of heaven there are two lines, one for men who were subservient to their wives, and another for those who wore the pants in the relationship.
Every man besides one stood in the subservient line. Saint Peter looked sadly upon the long line of subservient men and then looked to the one man who stood in the other line. Peter smiled and asked, how is it that you are the only man who managed to stand up to his wife?
The man shrugged and said, uh...I dunno, my wife just told me to stand here.
(Not my original material but always loved this)
A Blonde With Paint
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
100 kisses
A miser wrote a letter to his wife saying that he can't send her money this month, so he sends hundred kisses instead.
She replied a month later saying: Thanks for the kisses, dear, because they helped me a lot. Here's how I spent them: 2 kisses for the milkman, 7 for the grocer, the landlord comes everyday and takes a kiss or two, the butcher and the greengrocer weren't satisfied by the kisses and so I gave them other material, and gave the doorman and the plumber about 40 kisses. I still have 35, and I hope it will last me for the month. I will follow this way for the next months, because it solved many problems for me.
Regards, your loving wife .
A man goes to the doctor
And tells him he that every time he and his wife become intimate, it refuses service. And that he just can't get it up.
The doctor advises him to use his imagination more, watch adult material and/or use adult toys to spice things up a bit.
After a couple of days the man calls his doctor and tells him the problem still exists.
So the doctor invited the man and his wife to stop by his office for a talk.
When they arrive he asks the man a couple of questions about their s**...-life.
He then asks the wife to undress and and watches her pose in various positions before he asks her to get dressed again.
Then the doctor says to the man: " It's not you, with a wife looking like that, I can't get it up either."
The Doubling Genie
A man is walking along the beach one day and finds a bottle. He picks it up, rubs it, and a genie appears.
"Hello, I'm a genie and I'm here to grant you 3 wishes! You can have absolutely anything you'd like."
"So what's the catch?" the man asks
"The only catch is that your ex-wife gets twice of whatever you ask for"
The man seems taken aback, but agrees nonetheless. "Okay, well first off, I'd like a new Ferrari."
"Your wish is my command," replies the genie. A new Ferrari appears in front of the man. "However I just gave your wife two new Ferraris. What will your second wish be?"
Slightly frustrated, the man shrugs it off and continues.
"I'd like a mansion right here on the beach!" exclaimed the man.
His new mansion materialized right behind him. "Here's your mansion, but remember that your wife just got two mansions on the beach."
Visibly angered, the man pushes on to his third wish.
"And for you final wish?" the genie inquires.
The man replies, "I'd like you to scare me half to death."
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's...
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife
What type of bra? asked the clerk.
Type? inquires the man. There is more than one type?
Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need? Still confused the man asked, What is the difference between them? The lady responded, It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.