Wife Jokes

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask
Whoops, wrong sub

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry
I'll return.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."


I responded, "How about now?"

Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

Two friends each get a gift from their fathers
One friend gets a gold watch. The other gets a gun.

They trade gifts.

The father of son who traded his gun away is angry. He asks his son if he plans on marrying a beautiful wife. The son replies of course. The father asks his son if he came home to find his wife in bed with another man, wouldn't he be angry? The son replies of course.

The father then asks, "well then son, what will you do with this watch you now have, tell them, 'times up' ?"

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

Latvian Joke
One Latvian comes to other Latvian. First say "is that potato? Will buy." Second Latvian say "No, is wife." Both men sad.

So a Rabbi is having sex with his newly-wed wife...
His wife lies on top of him and says

"I want you to fuck me so hard."

Surprised, the Rabbi replies,

"Out of what?"

HUBBY HOMING DEVICE
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, everytime he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.

What did the male mountain say to his wife?
What's the Matterhorn-y?

I have been tapping your wife day and night

My wife left me over my pasta fetish
I'm feeling cannelloni right now

A husband calls the hotel maintenance from his room.
Husband: Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife & she says she will jump from the your hotel window.


Manager: I am sorry sir, this is your personal issue, we cant help.


Husband: The window is not opening, this is a maintenance issue, now hurry up!

Confessions in bed
A guy's been having an affair for a long time and decides it's time to confess it to his wife.
He couldn't find the right time, and in the middle of having sex with her, in the heat of the moment, he tells her "I have another one".
She replies "put that one on my ass"

A husband asks his wife what she'd like for her birthday, she responds with: "I want something red that goes from 0-100 in a second"
So he buys her a red weight scale.


For americans, 0-100Kmh is similar to 0-60Mph, so she implied she wanted a Ferrari or something, the husband bought her a scale, 100kg being around 200 pounds, a lot.

'Gone fishin'
A man wakes up at 4am on Saturday morning and goes downstairs. Half an hour later he returns to wake his wife. "Get up we're going fishing" said the man. "like hell we are" replied the wife. "then you'll have to do a forfeit" said the man "you can give me a blow job or take it up the ass?" Reluctantly the wife rolls over and pulls the mans trousers down and begins a blow job. "Urgh, this tastes like shit" yelled the wife. "I know" he said. "The dog didn't want to go either"

What did the Irishman text his Wife?
"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

During our First Dance at our Wedding
My new wife looked into my eyes and said "Where have you been my whole life?" I said "SOBER"

Why did the wife stop taking ex-lax?
Because her husband said he was going to fuck the shit out of her when he got home.

I am SO TIRED!
I found out that my wife was the woman of my dreams..., I haven't slept in 3 years

A man sets the password for his computer
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

My wife says I'm irresponsible with money!
No change there then.

Husband walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep.
His wife is in bed reading a book. He stands at the foot of the bed and says, "See honey, this is the cow I fuck when you have a headache." The wife puts the book down and looks at her husband. "If you weren't so stupid" she replies, "you'd realize that's a sheep, not a cow."
"Well" says the husband, "if you weren't such a bitch you'd realize I wasn't talking to you."

I agree even in marriage, sex without wife's consent is rape, But by same logic isn't spending husband's money by the wife without his consent...Robbery? Why do our films find it funny? How can people joke about it?

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask
Whoops, wrong sub

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry
I'll return.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."


I responded, "How about now?"

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Husband: I have cheated once
Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.

husband: 1st of Apriii....

Wife: 18th of June

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...
**An old couple gets pulled over and...**

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."

*Cue my grandmother scolding my grandfather for telling a dirty joke in front of the kids.*

2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.
If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Cop Joke
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

A married couple is lying in bed. (SFW)
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

Wife: "Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."
Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."

Dirty Assassin
So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!
Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio...

Smart Husband!!
>Husband Sent a text to wife at night,"Hi babe i will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure your prepare my favorite dish before i return"
He sent another text,"Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in salary at the end of month and I am getting you a new car"
She text back, "OMG Really?"
Husband replied, "No i just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home.

In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, “When did you bag him?”
The host said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.”
“What’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter.
“My ex-wife” replied the hunter.

A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

Every night while Dave is having dinner his wife Natalie goes to the bedroom turns off the light and makes out with Daves friend Andy by the window.
After some days Dave had doubt and leaving supper he went to the dark room only to hear whispers from the other side of the window.
He pushes Natalie away goes near the window,unties his pant and put his arse facing the window.
After a minute Andy puts a kiss on his butt cheek and says "Natalie, haven't u brushed ur teeth today?"

*Wakes up to wife and son screaming*
Me: "

What are you guys yelling about?"
Them: "You're driving!"

You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Two cannibals were having lunch.
"Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other.
"Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.

A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"

The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

One day, Muhammad's wife called him a pedophile.

In response, Muhammad asked his wife, "So, how does a 9-year-old know such a big word like that?"

Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you?
Answer: Shorten the chain.

My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!
Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Fondling in bed
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her neck.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hands down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said "I found the remote".

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage
The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

Marital Secret
After thirty years of marriage, an Italian woman addressed her husband one evening.
'For thirty years I've done everything you expected and asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years together I wish to ask two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.'
'What are they?' asked the husband.
'My love, you always picka your nose,' replied the wife, 'and I wish you would not do that.'
'And the other thing?' enquired the husband.
'Whenever we have sex, always you are on top and I would really like to be on top of you sometimes.'
'Well my dear' said the husband. 'I have tried, as you have, to make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the words of your father when we were first married. He said only two things to me. First he said, "Now you marry my daughter make sure you always keep your nose clean." And second, he said, "Don't fuck up."

Three men were exchanging stories about their sexual activity with their wives.
The first man says: "I remember how the first night of my marriage went wrong. After the wedding, I went to bed where my wife was waiting for me. I had had a little too much to drink and was kind of fuzzy.
so after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. That's when she slapped me and called me a whore monger."


"The same happened to me" said the other guy. "I had also drank more than I could handle, but I did what I had to do. After I fucked her, I handed her $60, she slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week"


"My situation was even worse" said the third guy.


"Why? How did she react?"


"I had downed more bottles than usual to celebrate my wedding and couldn't think straight. So after we had sex, I gave her a $100 bill."


"She slapped you too?"


"No. She gave me $30 in change."

25 years of marriage
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed

Wife spices things up!
A wife, worrying about the state of her marriage, decides to spice things up in the bedroom by adding some costume play. She buys a sexy supergirl outfit and when her husband is in bed slips it on. She walks out, poses seductively and says "Superpussy". Her husband, not looking up from his crossword says "I'll have the soup thanks".

Muslim Romance
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.

"Yes," he replied, but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!

THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage
1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.

Fifty Years of Marriage
An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of mariage.

"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.

"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.

"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."

"Such as?"

"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."

"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"

"I'm going back to visit her."

You can only do this after 15 years of marriage!
After 15 years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said:

ABCDEFGHIJK.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.

Smiling, she asked: What about IJK?

He replied: I'm Just Kidding!

So a husband and a wife are talking...
Wife: "What are you doing."
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You have been starring at our marriage certificate for hours!"
Husband: "Ok, I'm looking for an expiration date."

An old man found a box in his attic.
Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."

A couple goes into marriage counselling...
The wife tells the psychologist that her husband has been acting in unacceptable ways, and that she will have to seek a divorce if he doesn't change his behavior.


First of all, the husband always picks his nose, regardless of whether or not he's in public or some other inappropriate location for nose-picking.


Also, the husband never looks up while he is walking. His eyes are always glued to the floor when he goes anywhere.


And worst of all, he never lets his wife top while they're having sex.


The psychologist asks the husband why he acts the way he does, and the husband replies, "my father insisted that I do those things while he was on his deathbed, so I'm simply respecting his last wishes." "Well, what *exactly* did he say?" the psychologist inquired. So the husband replies, "he told me to keep my nose clean, don't step on any toes, and don't fuck up."

Celibacy (searched but didn't find...)
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

my wife after 25 years of marriage asked me to choose my happiest memory, a moment when we were together
I said for god's sake woman, make up your mind, which one do you want?

After 30 years of marriage a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly and then said: "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K."

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.

She smiled happily and then asked, "What about I-J-K?"

He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!"

This husband wins the fight every time.
A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"

Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)

A man was asked for his secret to a long lasting marriage...
**"Well, i took my wife to Italy on our honeymoon."** *"so what are you guys doing for your 20th wedding anniversary?"*
**"Im going back to get her."**

Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn't have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?
The other minister thinks and then says, I don't think so, what was her maiden name?

A man takes his wife golfing
They always go together every Sunday for the past 25 years of their marriage

One Sunday they got to the 9th hole and the woman stops her husband and says "Honey, we've been together 25 years and I trust you with all of my heart. With that being said, I haven't been completely honest with you during this relationship."

The wife goes on and eventually explains to the husband that she was actually born a man.

The husband is in shock and walks away in anger after hearing the news.

Finally the husband returns after thinking long and hard about what he had just heard and says to his wife: ......."You mean to tell me all of these years you've been hitting from the women's tees?!"

Me and My wife wrote the best articles on how to create a successful marriage
I would have published it but she took half of it in the divorce settlement.

I'm still on my first marriage, and... Wait, that sounded very negative, as if I don't expect this marriage to last.
My current wife hates it when I talk like that.

An old married couple...
An old married couple were married for a really long time. The only friction in their marriage was that the man passed gas every night in bed. The wife often told her husband that one day he would "fart his guts out" however the man would always dismiss these claims as false. One day after having chicken for dinner the wife decided to pull a prank on her husband, after he went to bed she took the intestines of the chicken they had and placed it between his legs, proving once and for all that he had farted his guts out. After doing so she went to bed, anxious to see his reaction in the morning. When she woke up she found that her husband had already gotten up. She went to the kitchen and asked him how he slept. "Oh I slept wonderfully", he replied. "Except that your prediction finally came true, I finally farted my guts out." Acting startled she asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital. "No I'm fine, after a couple of tries I managed to push them all back up in again".

A furniture-maker got caught by his wife coming in at 4am
"Damn it, Jesse! I will not let you ruin our marriage over one night stand!"

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica?
A: He didn't need them any longer his damn wife knows everything.

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.

Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.
Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven at the time !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A marriage in trouble
The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"

Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband:
"So, how do I look?"
"Well, at least you tried.

.."

Happy and Sad

A young couple having marital difficulties goes to a marriage counselor.

During the session the counselor talks about mixed emotions.

The husband turns to the wife and says, "yeah, mixed emotions are okay. I bet you can't say something that makes me both sad and happy at the same time."

The wife thinks for a second, then says, "Your dick is bigger than all your friends' dicks."

An elderly man walks into a bar
He hears the other patrons discussing marriage. "My wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary next week," he proudly tells them. "That's wonderful," one of the others says, "What's your secret for a long and happy marriaige?" "Well, you've got to do nice things for her," he explains. "Such as what?" the others ask. "Well, for example for our 25th anniversary I took her to Ireland." "That is nice," they others agree. "What are you doing for your 50th?" "Going back to visit her."

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing.

"
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear."

A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, “It really works!”

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband", says the wife
...2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand !
Husband says "sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ..."
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92 !

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married.

Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.

The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

A Man Is Almost About To Die
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

"My wife suffers from a drinking problem."
"Oh is she an alcoholic?"
"No, I am, but she's the one who suffers."

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

At the couples counselor
A husband and wife are having marital difficulties. In an effort to save the marriage they agree to go to couples therapy. The therapist sits them down and says "Before we begin I like to acknowledge that it is a commitment to the love between the two of you that has brought you here to see me. I understand that there is some conflict between you two, but I want to start by paying tribute to what you share. Bill, why don't you tell us what you and Linda have in common?"

The husband shifts in his seat. "Well, we both won't suck a cock."

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
A: He thought his wife was a flake.

Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.

The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day.

So I said, "gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.

Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.
When asked he replied miserably...
"My wife missed the bus"

Marriage to the end?
So, this man and woman are married 44 years and the woman dies, then a few months later the man dies. When he gets to heaven, his wife runs up to him and says, "Hey baby!" and he says,"Sorry honey, death's done us part."

A wife tells her husband:
"We never go out anywhere…"
"Great, tomorrow I will be going to through our the garbage, you may join me…"

This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dinning table and eat our dinner!"
As they sat at the dinning table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"
The husband says, " That is because you have your tits in the soup!"

The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband.
Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sexy my darling."
The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team,"
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

A man returns home and find his wife with his best friend.

He takes out the gun and shoots his friend to death.
His wife: "Listen, if you stay in such character, you will lose all your friends."

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back.

How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat...
Husband: How does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!

A man walks into his bedroom after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed.

After careful examination, he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains.
He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.
"Who the hell are you?" he yells.
The naked guy replies, "I'm the moth inspector."
"Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?"
He looks down and exclaims, "Oh my God, I'm too late!"

Every night while Dave is having dinner his wife Natalie goes to the bedroom turns off the light and makes out with Daves friend Andy by the window.
After some days Dave had doubt and leaving supper he went to the dark room only to hear whispers from the other side of the window.
He pushes Natalie away goes near the window,unties his pant and put his arse facing the window.
After a minute Andy puts a kiss on his butt cheek and says "Natalie, haven't u brushed ur teeth today?"

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.

He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party.
He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Practical thought:
A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.

A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...

Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary.

During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.
He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.

1st man: It is sickening the way my wife keps talking about her ex husband.

.
2nd man: Than's nothing, mine keps talking about her next husband.

I agree even in marriage, sex without wife's consent is rape, But by same logic isn't spending husband's money by the wife without his consent...Robbery? Why do our films find it funny? How can people joke about it?

The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife so she can drive more carefully and he found it;
"Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!"

A Lalu originally from Bihar now in USA went to India and brought a physiologically checked out virgin from a small happy town as wife.
Ideal Lalu decided to have first night in USA.
He prepared her, took their all clothes off and was ready to penetrate for intercourse and young bride stopped him.
"What are you trying to do," she asked.
Lalu explained the spousal sex.
The bride said, "In that case try my back hole it will be lots of fun for you."

Q:What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?
A:Honey I'm home.

What are the similarities between a new wife and a tornado, there's a lot of suckin and blowin and then u lose ur house.

I met a Gentleman that was married for 75 yaers, and he shared the secret to a long marriage,
"On our 25th wedding anniversory, I took my wife to China. On our 75th wedding anniversory, I went to pick her up."

Our marriage is like the cold war.
I wish my wife would be more Russinal.

An angry man is coming home and shouts to his wife, "I know everything!"
His wife reacts right away, "Is that so? Then tell me please. Who is the fifth highest peak in the world?"

"Hey, man! You didn't tell me why didn't you get through with the wedding!"
"To tell you the truth.

.. I'm thinking about your wife, all the time!"
"WHAT? You PRICK!"
"Chill out man... Don't get it wrong... I'm just afraid that I might end up having the same bad luck as you had...!"

A friend of mine often tells to his wife: "It is better to be loved and almost the only one rather than to be the only one and almost loved…"

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"
"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

I used to worry about penis size, but I always made up for it in performance. Now, after years of marriage I am not as good in the sack as in my younger days and my wife seems put upon when I want to have sex. Basically, things have come full circle . . .
I worry about penis sighs.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "

I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!"

Genuine advert. In New York Newspaper

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**king everything.

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the
habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?", the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."

A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."

Wife: "Every sunday you go for fishing, right?"
Husband: "Yeah... Why?"
Wife: "Today the fish came here and told she's pregnant."

A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x.

The code is: "Making a call."
One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call.
The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order.
Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call.
The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."

My best friend ran away with my wife.
It's only been three days and I really miss him.

An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.

The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

A husband and wife go to a restaurant.

The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A couple are having trouble with their marriage...
Wife: We used to have something special Jon! Something rare and precious! What happened to that?


Husband: You spent it all dear.

Marriage demo
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner ... unannounced at 7:30 pm after work.

His wife begins screaming at him & his friend just sits & listens in.

Wife: My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! What the hell did you bring him home for ?

Husband: Because he's thinking of getting married & I promised him a demo!!!

An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

A husband and wife are eating soup.
The wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

My marriage is pretty much like a fairy tale.
Every time i try to tell my wife she's a princess she either falls asleep, runs away, or asks me to prove it.

and since i don't have a magic carpet or poison apple it's kind of hard...

Freudian slip
So a husband and a wife were in marriage counseling. The psychiatrist asks "can you please tell me why you're here?".
The husband goes onto say: "last weekend, my wife and I were having dinner. I was going to say, can you pass the peas but what I actually said was: you ruined my life you fucking bitch".
The doctor fainted.

$20 dollars for sex
I man and woman get married, on the night of their wedding, the man approaches his wife, ready to make love for the first time. She smiles sweetly and sticks her hand out. "That will be $20 please!" He goes along with her game and gives her $20. As the years of their marriage go by, she continues her little $20 game, always requesting it before making love to her husband. He figures this is just her cute little way of getting spending cash for her clothes and lunch with her girl friends, so he always obeys.

After 30 years of marriage, he comes home one day, and tells his wife he has been fired from his job, they are broke, they have no retirement! She gathers her check book and shows him many lists of $20 deposits into a savings account. He realizes what she has been doing all a long, and says to her, "Damnit, if I would have known what you were doing I would have given you all my business."

Hallway sex.
After 35 yrs. of marriage, hubby and wifey pass each other in their hallway.

Man says "Fuck you".

Wife replies "Fuck you too".

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.


Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.

I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had sex with my wife!!!
A guy in the back replies

You don't have enough bullets

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!
Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.

Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday".
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

A translated Norwegian joke
Two guys meets in the middle of nowhere, trying to find their wives.
They decide to help each other out, by describing their wives.

The first man goes on: "My wife is tall, well fit, blonde, got big firm breasts, thight bouncy ass, a massive lust for sex and a face of a model. How about yours"?

The second man replies: "She can go F**k herself, lets search for yours instead!"

Robin Williams' Favorite Joke
Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car
and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.
She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

A man goes up to his wife...
He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.

She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"

He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have sex then."

The Mexican maid askes for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: "Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?"

Juanita: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do."

Wife: "Who said that you iron better than me?"

Juanita: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Juanita: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than I am?"

Juanita: "Your husband did."

Wife, becoming increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Juanita: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you are."

Wife, seething now, and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Juanita: "No Señora.......the gardener did."

Wife: "Oh, ok! So, how much do you want?"

As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Headaches
A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having sex tonight!"

on the eve of our anniversary....
On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

So a guy walks into a bar with a gun...
Who had sex with my wife!!?

A man shouts from the back, *you don't have enough bullets bro*!

nsfw Wife's New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

What do you call a man that as sex with his 9 year old wife?
The holiest Prophet of Islam.

A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them...
A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them. Upon arriving on the alien ship, they were greeted by a male alien and a female alien.

"Do not fear humans, we come with a proposition for you. My wife and I have decided that we would like to have sex with humans, to see what it is like."

So after talking it over for a bit, the man and his wife agreed and were taken into separate rooms. The male alien goes on to tell the wife, "You are in full control here. If you want me to go faster, just push or pull my ears. If you want my dick to get bigger, tap me on the head."

It was the most exhilarating sexual experience the wife ever had, getting exactly what she wanted. After they were done the alien sent the wife down to her house where her husband was waiting.

"How was your experience babe?" she asks.

"It was going great, until that bitch grabbed my ears and started punching me in the head."

2 Guys in a Bar
2 guys in a bar.

John: "I have sex with my wife once a month"

Jack: "We do it twice a week"

John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"

Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"

Two old men sit on a bench (NSFW)
Two old men sit on a bench chatting about their relationships. The first man moans how his wife never wants sex and has been turning him down for years.

He eventually turns to the other man and sighs,

"Well, anyway, how's that new wife of yours?"

The second man breathes deeply and looks down at the ground,

"Terrible", he replies, "just terrible"

"Oh, how so?"

The second man turns and looks almost tearful in his confession.

"Well she's 22, blonde, huge tits and always wanting sex! And I mean it's just constant. Suck and fuck and suck and fuck and suck and fuck..."

The second man becomes quiet as the first man stares in disbelief, finally the first man has to open his mouth.

"Well that sounds amazing! What's so terrible about that!"

The second man looks to the sky wistfully...

"I can't remember where I live..."

Tug it
A couple is laying in bed. The man turns to his wife and says "Honey, I think we should work out a system to determine whether you want to have sex. On any given night, reach over, and grab my cock. If you want to have sex, give it a tug. And if you don't want to have sex, tug it 100 times."

Aids or Alzheimer's
A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

An old guy walks into a church...
"- Father, I'm 92 years old, am married to a 70 year old wife and have 3 children, 7 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I gave a ride to 2 young college girls; they were beautiful, nice, modern, you know? After a little chit chat we stop by a motel. I had sex with each one of them 3 times."

The priest remains silent for a few moments, but seeing that the old guy doesn't have anything else to say, he asks:

"- Are you regretful of your sins?"

"- What sins?"

"- What kind of catholic are you?!"

"- Catholic? Me? I'm an atheist."

"- Then why come here and tell me that story?"

"- I'm telling everybody."

Wife told me this one today. How do you tell if a mechanic just had sex?
Two of his fingers are clean.

A maid asks for a raise and the wife gets upset.
A maid asks for a raise and the wife gets upset.

She asks, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

"With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...
Yes, three times in 35 years"

-Bob Monkhouse

You have some explaining to do...
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

68
A man urges his wife to try a new sex position - The . Curious, she asks about what romantic and exotic position her husband wants to try. "Well honey" he answers, "it's quite simple, you give me a blow job, and I owe you one"

Sexy Math Time
So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are...
A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are having trouble communicating to each other about whether or not they want to have sex. The husband has tried on a few nights, when the wife just isn't in the mood.

The wife decides that they need to have a system, so that they will know, in the dark, whether sex is an option for that night.

The wife explains to the husband, "If you're not in the mood for sex, squeeze my breasts once; if you're in the mood, squeeze them twice."

The husband agrees that this is a great idea, and suggests to her, "If you're in the mood for sex, pull on my penis once. If you're not in the mood for sex, pull on my penis 300 times."

Hung Chow Calls into work and says "Hey boss, I no come into work today, I really Sick...
I got Headache, stomachache, and my legs hurt. I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and i go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

My wife said she wanted to have sex like in the movies..
..so I fucked her in the arse and came on her face and in her hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

A man with a gun enters a bar...
..."Who had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A muffled voice heard in the background said, "You don't have enough bullets for that mate."

The deaf newlyweds
A deaf couple are newly married and are trying to figure out intimate relations. While the lights are out, the husband and wife keep misinterpreting signals for sex since there is no lighting.

One day, the wife decided they needed a way to signal each other during the night if they want sex or not. The wife suggests the husband squeeze her left breast once if he wants sex, and the right breast twice if he does not.

The husband thought this was a great idea. The husband said the wife should pull his penis once if she wanted sex, and pull it 50 times if she did not.

The art of sex [NSFW]
An English man, French man and Irish man are discussing the art of sex.
The English man says "after I have sex with my wife i kiss her neck, she rises two feet off the bed with pleasure"
The Frenchman says "well, after I make love to my wife I kiss her from head to toe, whispering sweet nothings to her, and she rises 6 feet off the bed in pure ecstasy"
The Irish man says "well, after I bang my missus I get up, wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"

A guy walks into a bar...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".

Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?

" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"

"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

Chinese sick leave.
Hung Chow calls into work and says"hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come in"
The boss says" you know something Hung Chow, whenever I feel sick I just get my wife to have sex with me and it really makes me feel better. You should give that a try and then come to work."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again " I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."

Sex with my wife has depreciated like Coca Cola
"Cocaine", "Caffeine", "Light" and now "Zero"

How to spice things up
A man and his wife are having a lot of trouble when it comes to being creative in bed. The wife begins to become fed up with the same old boring routine sex so the husband decides to do his research. The next night, the husband is feeling good about himself and tells his wife that he has something big in store for her. They start doing it but after a few minutes the man all of a sudden pauses... and then resumes, and then pauses again.... So the wife asks him what the hell he is doing? The man says "It is called 'Buffering', and everyone seems to be doing it online!"

There was an impotent guy...
There was an impotent guy who asked his wife to always have sex with lights off because he was wearing a strap-on and didn't want her to know about his problem.
After years, one night she dared to turn on the light to see what's his big secret. Seeing the dildo hung on her husband's hips she got angry: "I guess it will be quite difficult for you to explain this!"

"Way less difficult than you explaining the kids to me"

Marital Secret
After thirty years of marriage, an Italian woman addressed her husband one evening.
'For thirty years I've done everything you expected and asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years together I wish to ask two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.'
'What are they?' asked the husband.
'My love, you always picka your nose,' replied the wife, 'and I wish you would not do that.'
'And the other thing?' enquired the husband.
'Whenever we have sex, always you are on top and I would really like to be on top of you sometimes.'
'Well my dear' said the husband. 'I have tried, as you have, to make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the words of your father when we were first married. He said only two things to me. First he said, "Now you marry my daughter make sure you always keep your nose clean." And second, he said, "Don't fuck up."

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him his drink and asks, "What happened?"

"I came home early from work today...and found my wife having sex with my best friend"

The bartender pours him a second drink - "That's awful, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her we were through. 'Pack your bags, and leave!'"

"What about your friend?"

"I waved my finger at him, looked him straight in the eye, and told him...bad dog."

Three men were exchanging stories about their sexual activity with their wives.
The first man says: "I remember how the first night of my marriage went wrong. After the wedding, I went to bed where my wife was waiting for me. I had had a little too much to drink and was kind of fuzzy.
so after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. That's when she slapped me and called me a whore monger."


"The same happened to me" said the other guy. "I had also drank more than I could handle, but I did what I had to do. After I fucked her, I handed her $60, she slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week"


"My situation was even worse" said the third guy.


"Why? How did she react?"


"I had downed more bottles than usual to celebrate my wedding and couldn't think straight. So after we had sex, I gave her a $100 bill."


"She slapped you too?"


"No. She gave me $30 in change."

My wife is a sex object.
Every time I want sex, she objects.

Sexual Appetite
The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

So an old couple was getting ready for bed...
...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER SEX!".

The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."

A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...
and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."

Deaf Newlyweds
A deaf couple got married and on their wedding night, before going to bed, they decided to come up with a way to communicate in the dark.

The wife said, if you want to have sex squeeze my left breast once and if you don't, squeeze my right breast once.

The husband thought this was reasonable and said, ok if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't, pull it 300 times.

A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...
phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

A wife and husband...
A wife and husband have been married for 30 years, and they only had sex with the lights off. One night the wife says turn the lights on, the husband says no, and they begin to bang. The wife turns the lights on in the middle of the act, and she sees the husband with a dildo. The wife says can you explain why have you been using a dildo all these years? The husband says I'll explain the dildo if you can explain the kids.

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman who has been in a coma for months....
When she runs the sponge up the woman's thigh the monitor beeps.
The nurse runs to the doctor and tells him this! He comes back, she does it again, and they are both shocked.
So they call the husband in and tell him what has happened.
"I know this is awkward, but we are going to suggest that you have oral sex with your wife." Says the doctor to the husband.
"Oh... Okay... If you think it will help..." Replies the husband. And he goes into the room and shuts the door behind him.
About ten minutes later the husband comes out and says,
"She's.... She's dead."
The nurse and doctor are shocked! "What happened?!?"
The husband replies,
"Well... She probably choked to death."

A man and his wife are having sex...
...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"

"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're having sex?


Call her up and tell her where you are.

A married couple is asleep in bed...
The man wakes up from his wife slapping him in the face. He shouts at her, "What the hell was that for?" She yells back, "That was for twenty years of bad sex!" The couple goes back to sleep.
Later that night, the man wakes his wife up by slapping *her* in the face. She shouts at him, "What the hell was that for?" He replies, "For knowing the difference."

My wife and I have a system in check for when we go to bed...
I told her if you wanna have sex pull on my penis once. If you don't wanna have sex, pull on my penis 100 times

How much of sex is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

An old couple is sitting on the porch...
Suddenly the wife stands up and knocks her husband off his seat. The old man gets up and asks, "What was that for?!"
She replies, "Fifty years of bad sex."
Her husband nods, sits back down, and they continue sitting there for a while.
All of the sudden the man stands up and slaps the shit out of his wife.
Stunned she asks, "Why did you do that?!"
"That's for knowing the difference."

Why don't you ....
A husband asks his wife after sex "Honey why don't you ever tell me when you are having an orgasm?" She replies "Well I would Dear but you are never home."

A husband discusses sexual protocol with his new wife
"Honey" he says, when I want sex, I'll snuggle up to you and kiss your neck. If you're in the mood, turn around, grab my penis and pull on it twice. If you're not in the mood, turn around and pull on it a hundred times.

Last night after we had sex I asked my wife if she was faking it
and she said "no, I really was asleep."

A conservative husband and wife are having trouble in the bedroom.
They decide to go to a doctor about it, the wife explains she is too embarrassed to talk about sex. The doctor suggests they use a euphemism to get over her problem. She agrees to try it and settles on "washing machine".

This works wonders until one night her husband comes home from the pub horny. He slips in to bed and taps Mary on the shoulder asking: "Mary, is the washing machine working tonight?". In a huff because he's been drinking all night, she tells him: "No, it's broken!" and goes to sleep.

The next morning Mary wakes up feeling a bit frisky herself, she wakes up her husband by whispering into his ear: "Johnny, the washing machine is working now." Half asleep, her husband turns to her and says:"Ah, it's alright love, it was a small load so I did it by hand."

Hall Sex
Three guys were standing around the golf course talking about how often they have sex with their wives.
The first guys says, "I'm lucky if I get sex once a month. and if we do its just regular old missionary style sex." The other two guys shake their heads in understanding.
The second guy says, "I get to have sex with my wife a couple of times a month and she lets me do it missionary and doggie style." The other two guys again shake their heads in understanding.
The third guy says, "me and my wife have sex every day." His two buddies look at him in amazement and one of them asks, "What kind of sex do yall have?" The guys looks at him and says, "We have hall sex."
His buddies look at him and one says, "Hall sex? I've never heard of that."
The guy looks at him and says, "When we pass each other in the hall we look at each other and say, 'Fuck You'."

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

Four kinds of sex...
There are four kinds of sex...

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Twice a Day
This guy goes to his doctor "You gotta help me. I can't stop having sex." "How often do you have it?" The doc asks "Well, twice a day with my wife." The doc says "That's no to bad." The guy says "Yeah, but that's not all, I also have sex with my secretary, twice a day." The doc says "That's a bit excessive."" and I have sex with a prostitute, twice a day" "That is definitely too much. You got to learn to take this situation in hand."
"I do," says the man "Twice a Day

General Custer's Wife
So General Custer's wife goes to an artist and asks the man to draw her husband's finally words.

A few days later, she returns to the artist. The painting he's made consists of several piles of manure that have halos, and a group of Native Americans that appear to be having sex.

Irate, she yells at the artist. "I asked you to paint my husband's final words!"

"Ma'am," the artist says, "General Custer's final words were 'Holy shit, look at all those fucking Indians!'"

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.


It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

A wife wants to spice up her sex life...
So she goes decides to try crotchless panties. Her husband gets home from work and she's on the couch waiting for him. He walks by, looks at her, then goes in the kitchen and gets a beer. He comes back and sits down like nothing happened.

Finally, the frustrated wife yells "Don't you want some of this?"

And he says "Fuck no, look what it did to your underwear."

When my wife told me she was going to give me some mental oral sex, I thought it was going to be silly.....
....but she actually blew my mind!

What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

A husband and wife have been married 15 years....
Whenever they have sex, the husband insists on doing it with the lights off.
One night, the wife has had enough and mid way through turns on her bedside lamp.
She's shocked to discover her husband laying there, holding a dildo.
Before she can open her mouth to say anything, the husband calmly says, "I'll explain the dildo, you explain the three kids."

The wife asked me what I was doing on the internet last night.
I told her I was looking for flights. "I love you!" she said and then she got all excited. That night we had the most amazing sex ever... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

How do you know that your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.

A man entered a bar
A man entered in a bar holding a gun and said "who the fuck had sex with my wife?"
a voice was heard from the back "you don't have enough bullets mate"

What's the worst thing your wife can do while you're having sex?
Come home early.

Towel Flapping Skills
Paddy and his wife have been married for 10 years, but in that time Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm. To fix this they go to a sex therapist, who suggests that his wife might be too hot and they should buy a fan. Paddy, being a bit cheap, doesn't buy a fan but gets his mate to stand in the corner to flap a towel instead. So Paddy and his wife go at it, Paddy's mate flapping the towel the whole time. After hours without success, Paddy's mate suggests they swap places. Paddy agrees and after 5 minutes of Paddy's mate and Paddy's wife going at it, his wife is screaming in ecstasy. Eventually, once they finished, Paddy says "Now that how you flap a towel!"

Deaf newlyweds
A deaf couple had just gotten married. They were pretty conservative, so they didn't have sex until their wedding night. Being conservative, the wife insisted they keep the lights off, which made communication in the bedroom a little tough for two deaf people, to say the least.

After the third consecutive night of frustrated attempted lovemaking, the wife sits the husband down and starts signing to him.

"We need to work out a system, as this clearly isn't working so far. To start, if you want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my right boob."

The husband nods. Easy enough.

"... but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left boob."

Again the husband nods, and then adds "If you want to have sex, just reach over and pull my dick."

The wife nods, and is happy her husband is liking the new system.

"...but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my dick like five hundred times."

A man was having sex with his wife one night...
"Deeper... deeper..." she moaned.

The man, not having finished, pulls out and starts getting dressed. The woman is surprised and asks "What's wrong baby?"

The man snaps back, "Deeper, deeper?! How about I coo in your ear tighter, tighter!

How do you make your wife cry during sex?
Call her while you're having it.

A stuttering man goes into his doctor's office...
and the doctor says "in order to cure your stuttering problem, we need to dock an inch or two off your dick". the stuttering man goes "f-f-f-fine, d-d-d-do it". A few days later the man comes back to the doctor's office and says "I don't stutter anymore, but my wife won't have sex with me, can I have my inches back?" To which the doctor replies "f-f-f-fuck you."

My wife likes to talk after sex..
So she called me from a hotel room. No Respect!
RIP Rodney Dangerfield

An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...
...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.

"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex!"

He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her knee.

"Ow! What's that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."

Ear sex joke. (NSFW)
A guy walks up to his wife and says he wants to fuck her in the ear.
To which she responds: 'No, you can't.'
'Why not?' he asks?
'Because i'll go deaf' she says.
'That's weird because i already fucked you a couple of times in the mouth and you still won't shut up.' he answers.

A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.

One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early
Quick she says, go into the bathroom and hide and she throws his clothes under the bed. The husband walks into the room and sees his wife naked on the bed. "Honey, what are you doing", he asks. "Oh, just waiting here for you so we can have passionate sex", she replies. "Great" he says as he goes into the bathroom to clean up. Upon entering the bathroom he sees a naked man staring up towards the ceiling and clapping his hands above his head every now and then. The husband asks "Who the hell are you?" The man replies, "I'm the exterminator, your wife called me up concerning a moth infestation". "But what about your clothes, you don't have any clothes on", the husband says. The man looks down at himself and exclaims, "Why those nasty little buggers!"

So a guy sees his doctor about his Viagra prescription...
Doctor: How have you felt since taking Viagra?

Guy: I've felt great! Sex is better than it's been in years!

Doctor: So, you haven't been suffering from blurred vision?

Guy: Suffering? Have you seen my wife?

Wedding Night
A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night.

His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"

He says, "No."

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"

He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"

A man walks into his front room...
...with a sheep under his shoulder, he sees his wife watching TV and says "this honey is the pig I have sex with each night" to which his wife replays "I think you'll find that's a sheep" as her husband replies "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

A man says to his wife "I bet you $100 you can't say something to make me happy and sad at the same time"...
The wife thinks for a moment, responds "Of all your friends. You have the biggest dick" and grabs the money.

Golf Panties
Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.

"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb......Tidy yerself up a bit."

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room...
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Winning the lottery 2.
A man says to his wife. "Honey I won money in the lottery". The wife quickly says. "I want 50% of it and I want to divorce you". The man looks at her surprised and says. "Good, here is your $7.50 and get the fuck out of here".

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass.
He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

My 87 year old grandfather told me this last night
A newly married couple was having extreme financial difficulties. Finally the husband said "honey I'm sorry, but there's nothing else we can do. I'm going to have to put you on the street corner." He drops his wife off around 2:00am and picks her up the next morning.

When he asked her how much money she made she replied "$110.25." He said "Who's the cheap bastard that only gave you a quarter!?"

She said "why, all of them did."

A blond woman goes around a rich neighbourhood looking for work...
A blond goes around a rich neighbourhood, looking for jobs to make some quick money. She goes up to one of the houses front doors, and asks the man who answered the door if he needs any painting done. He asks if she could paint his porch. She agrees, and tells him it will cost $50 do do. The man goes back inside, and tells his wife that the woman is painting his porch for $50. The wife, surprised resonds but the porch goes all around the entire house. $50 isn't near what we should be paying to get it painted." The man dismisses this, and 15 minutes later, the woman knocks on his door, saying she is done, and even did a second coat. The man, amazed, asks her how she got done so quickly, to which she responds its not *that* big. And by the way, it's not a Porsche, it a Ferrari"

The lottery
Husband: "Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?"

Wife: "I would take half the money and get my ass out of here!"

Husband: "Very good. I won $12, here is $6, now go pack your bags."

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school
So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money

A married couple, down on their luck, decides to make some money by having the wife work down on the corner.
After the first day the husband picks her up and asks how she did. "Pretty good," she said, "I made $250.50"

"What asshole gave you $0.50?" He asked.

"All of them."

I collect coins and old paper money. For our anniversary, my wife surprised me with a $1,000 bill!
Unfortunately, it was from Fendi, for a pair of shoes.

A husband and wife are discussing how to . . .
stretch their money while the husband, who was recently laid off, looks for new work.

"You know, honey, if you learned how to cook, we could fire the maid" the husband says to the wife.

The wife retorts, "You know, honey, if you learned how to fu(k, we could fire the gardener."

A woman walks into a pet shop...
looking for a Birthday present for her husband.Not wanting to spend much money the assistant recommended a large bullfrog trained to give blow jobs.

The wife purchased the bullfrog thinking to herself that she would be off the hook regarding doing blowjobs for her husband.

That night as she lay asleep in bed she was woken by the loud sound of pots and pans being thrown about the kitchen.She went downstairs to find her husband and the frog studying cookery books.

"What are you doing at this hour of the morning" she asked.

Her husband replied" Well if I can teach this frog to cook,you're gone!"

Since I started stealing money from my wife to pay for prostitutes, my friends have started calling me Robin Hood .
Stealing from the bitch and giving to the whore.

Three men go to heaven...
They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too much over God, you even found a wife named Penny, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The third man turns to his wife and says "Fanny, I think we're in trouble."

Married for money...
Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn naked?
Wife: That I married you for your money!

A trucker walks into a whore house...
A trucker walks into a whore house and walks over to speak to madam. The trucker says "I will give you $500 for your nastiest whore and a bologna sandwich." The madam, confused, replies "For $500 you could have our best whore and a steak dinner"...the trucker laughs a little and says "Oh, it's not about the money, ma'am, I just miss my wife."

A husband and wife are arguing...
"What would you do if I won the lottery?" he demands.

"I'd take half the money and be gone so fast you'd be dizzy," she replies.

"My scratch ticket won ten bucks. Here's five. Let me get the door."

Rodney Dangerfield joke
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike.

She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Old couple at the carnival
An elderly couple John, and Janice go to the carnvail where John spots a helicopter ride.

He runs over and says to his wife "Janice I've always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and look its only ten dollars".

Janice then says "John why would we pay money to go on a ride ten dollars is ten dollars". They end up not riding and finish up walking around the carnival until they go home.

A year later when the carnival comes back they go again and John sees the helicopter ride again and runs over to it.

He says to Janice "honey I've wanted to go on this helicopter ride for a while now can we just go"?

Janice says to him "John I'll tell you the same I told you last year, ten dollars is ten dollars".

This happens a few more years until the pilot is tired of them bickering about it and comes up with a solution.

He says to John and Janice "I'll take you both up for free but the catch is, if anyone of you talk I'll charge ten dollars".

Satisfied with the compromise Janice agrees, so they go up and the pilot is trying every maneuver possible to try to get them to scream or talk, but without fail neither talk.

When they land the pilot sees Janice is no longer in the helicopter and asks John "what happened to Janice"? John then exclaims "she fell out about 5 minutes into the ride ". "well why didn't you say anything"? Asks the pilot.

And without missing a beat John says "well ten dollars is ten dollars".

An old man found a box in his attic.
Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."

Eating grass
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.


"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

Arty
Joe is extremely angry and frustrated with his wife of 20 years and finally decides to find a contract killer to get rid of her. He knows this will cost more money than he has so he asks to borrow some funds from his best friend Arty. Arty surprises Joe by saying, "I have never liked your wife so I will gladly murder her for only a dollar."

Later, Arty is hiding outside the grocery store where Joe's wife works and as she leaves he drags her behind the store into an alley and strangles her. Just as he is dragging her body behind some bushes, the store manager comes out and sees him. So Arty attacks the manager and strangles him as well. Again, as he hides the body, a clerk comes out of the store so Arty has to do the same thing one more time. By this time, with all of the commotion, the police arrive and discover what has happened. They arrest Arty and the next morning the headline in the town newspaper reads:

ARTY CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT THE LOCAL MARKET

Dry cleaners and drunkeness
Two guys sitting at the bar. One of the guys gets so drunk he throws up all over himself.

"My wife is gonna kill me!"

"Hey, here's some money. Tell her some random guy at the bar threw up all over you and gave you this money to get your shirt dry cleaned," says the guy next to him. Drunk guy thanks him for the help and calls a taxi home.

Drunk guy comes home and his wife is horrified, "You've got vomit all over your shirt!"

"Yeah! Some guy threw up all over me at the bar! He gave me 10 bucks to get this dry cleaned though as he said he was sorry."

Wife reaches over and takes the bill out and goes. "Honey, he gave you $20, not 10..."

Drunk guy goes, "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too!"

Random Luck
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

A Dying Lawyer's Wish
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement!"

Two fisherman friends
Two fisherman friends meet for the first time in months and start to catch up.

* -So how are you?
* -I'm very well. I actually got married recently.
* -Congratulations, that's great news! So how is your wife, is she beautiful?
* -Not really...
* -Ah, so she's smart then?
* -Not at all...
* -Has she got money?
* -Nope.
* -Then why did you marry her?
* -She's got worms.

A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years
His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?

The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

A man got a promotion...
So his crew took him out to celebrate. But his wife made him promise not to get drunk. So obviously he gets wasted and throws up down the front of his shirt. He tells his boss what happened. "Here take this money to get your shirt cleaned, and tell your wife that a drunk puked on you." His boss hands him a $50 bill. So he tells his wife and hands her the fifty. She looks up curiously and says, "This is a hundred." The man replies, "Oh... I guess he shit my pants too."

A strip club owner is lamenting about his dwindling business to his wife.
A strip club owner is eating breakfast with his wife. He begins to cry. "Honey, things are changing. Men just ain't spending money at titty bars like they used to."

"Oh that can't be." She responds. "There are some things men will always go to a strip club for."

"But honey, I've tried everything. They just seem disinterested these days." He hangs his head in defeat, wiping tears from his eyes.

His wife leans in to try to comfort him. "It's ok. Your business will come back around. Men will always enjoy being groped by a strangers, spending hundreds of dollars for the VIP experience, the occasional BJ in the bathroom, and getting black out drunk then waking up in a completely different city. That's what strip clubs are for."

The husband looks up and responds. "I know, but Delta airlines offers a round trip."

Wrong spot
There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!"

Husband and wife and a convict...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Need a boobjob?
Wife: "Honey, I need money for a boobjob."


Husband: "Sorry Hon, but can't you just wipe your chest with a toilet paper?"


Wife: "How's that suppose to make my boobs bigger?"


Husband: "Well Hon, it worked on your ass."

Daniel Craig asks a man if the man's wife will sleep with him for a million dollars.....
The man asks Daniel to give him a day to think about it. Next day, the man comes back and says his wife said yes, but she needs more time to raise the money.

A Husband Told His Wife...
"I'm putting this briefcase full of money in the attic. When I die and go to Heaven, I'll take it up there with me."

Well the day comes when he dies and a few months later the wife goes to the attic and finds the briefcase still where he left it before he died.

"I knew I should have put it in the basement..."

Dan couldn't sleep all night...
and kept turning in bed. His wife wakes up and asks him "What's wrong dear, why can't you sleep?" He says "I owe $1000 to our neighbor Abraham, I am supposed to pay him tomorrow but I don't have the money." So his wife gets out of the bed, opens the window and yells to their neighbor: "HEY ABRAHAAAAAM! ABRAHAM! DAN WON'T BE ABLE TO PAY YOU THE MONEY TOMORROW." She goes back to bed and tells her husband "Now HE won't be able to sleep."

An old Jewish couple is going to bed
The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

100 kisses
A miser wrote a letter to his wife saying that he can't send her money this month, so he sends hundred kisses instead.

She replied a month later saying: Thanks for the kisses, dear, because they helped me a lot. Here's how I spent them: 2 kisses for the milkman, 7 for the grocer, the landlord comes everyday and takes a kiss or two, the butcher and the greengrocer weren't satisfied by the kisses and so I gave them other material, and gave the doorman and the plumber about 40 kisses. I still have 35, and I hope it will last me for the month. I will follow this way for the next months, because it solved many problems for me.

Regards, your loving wife .

My wife got really angry when I spent a lot of money on a make-your-own perfume kit
...but it made scents to me

I love you, honey!
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'


His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

I'm saving up my money for a sex change operation...
...and I don't care how much my wife protests it.

I wanted a boy, dammit.

A wife asks her husband . . .
Honey, can I get some money for a boob job? My tits are too small.

Husband, reading the newspaper, - Sure! How much do you need?

Wife - Just ten thousand dollars . . .

Husband, putting down the paper - Ten grand?! I've got a better idea. Every night, before you go to bed, why don't you get some toilet paper, fold it up, and rub it between your tits?

Wife - Really? Will that make my tits bigger?

Husband, picking up the paper again - Sure! It worked on your ass.

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.

The thief was spending less then his wife.

A husband and wife...
...are travelling through the country. The husband sees a sign on the side of the road, "Cow for sale. $10000." He says to his wife "That can't be right! No cow is worth $10000!" So he turns the car around and heads to the farm to check it out. He meets the farmer and asks "What makes your cow worth so much money?" The farmer proceeds to lift the cows tail and the man is amazed to find the cow had a cunt like a woman! In shock, he goes back to his wife and car and heads down the road saying out loud, "I can't believe it! I just can't believe it!" "What can't you believe, honey?" says the wife. "Well" he says, "That farmer has a cow with a cunt like a woman worth $10000 and I have a woman with a cunt like a cow and she ain't worth a fuckin' nickel!!"

My wife says I'm irresponsible with money!
No change there then.

Man wins in the lottery
The man asks his wife: "What would you do if I won in the lottery?"

She: "I'd take half the money and leave you immediately!"

He: "Here's five bucks, now get the hell out off here!"

Choices and Consequences
A man and his wife are having dinner for their tenth wedding anniversary. Suddenly the man bursts into tears.
"What's wrong?" the wife asks.
"I was just thinking," the man says, "about when I asked you to marry me. Your father came to me and said 'I know about all that money you embezzled from work. If you don't marry that ugly daughter of mine, I'm turning you in." The man cries harder as he says "And if I'd turned him down I'd be a free man now!"

A man offers to take a farmer and his wife for an ride in his biplane
But they have to pay him $10 each. The farmer says, "That's too much money. I don't think we can afford that."

The pilot laughs and decides to make an offer. "If you can make it through the ride without making a sound, this one's on me."

The farmer thinks about it for a minute. "Okay." he says, and he and his wife board the plane.

The pilot is determined to make them scream. He does every single kind of flip he can think of. He dips towards the ground only to jerk the plane back up right as it is about to hit the ground. And for a finale, he does the longest possible upside-down maneuver. He doesn't hear a sound from the back, so he lands.

"Congratulations! How did you manage to keep quiet the whole time?" asks the pilot.

"Well," replied the farmer "it was hard, but after my wife fell out of the plane, everything else became easy."

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.

She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

Frederick W. Smith created a company because he needed money to pay maintenance to his ex wife.
He called it Fed*Ex*.

My wife is always asking for money
Two old Jewish guys are discussing their wives and how they spend so much.

"My wife is always asking for money." says one guy. "Yesterday she asked for $100. The days before $75. The days before that $150. It never ends."

"What does she do with all that money?" asked his friend.

"I don't know." said the first guy.I never give her any."

TIFU by hiring a hooker for the wife experience
She took all my money and went shoe shopping.

A mint worker walks into a bar...
the next morning he heads home to his wife with 2 fresh new black eyes,

shes asks "Did the bartender ask you what you do for a living?"

the mint workers says "well, I do make money after all"

A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary....
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary when the husband asks his wife if she's ever been unfaithful.

"Three times," answer the wife. "Remember when you needed money to start up your business and no one would give you any? Well I slept with the bank manager to secure you a loan."

"You made that sacrifice for me?" asks the astonished husband. "That was wonderful of you. What was the second time?"

"Remember that operation you needed that no one would perform because it was too dangerous? Well, I slept with the surgeon so he'd do it."

"Oh my God," says the husband. "You saved my life. And what was the third time?"

"Well," says his wife, "Remember when you wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 52 votes short...?"

I agree even in marriage, sex without wife's consent is rape, But by same logic isn't spending husband's money by the wife without his consent...Robbery? Why do our films find it funny? How can people joke about it?

A husband and wife are having money problems...
And they decide her only option is to become a prostitute. After her first night, she comes back and her husband asks how much she earned.

"$200.50" she replies.

"Who the hell paid you 50 cents?!"

"All of them."

Genuine advert. In New York Newspaper

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**king everything.

A very wealthy man was riding in the back of his limousine...
One afternoon, a very wealthy man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the roadside.

The man ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of them.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man."

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine.

One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The wealthy man replied: "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

A man purchases some livestock....
but has no way to get it home. He walks to the only pay phone for miles which has a rate that charges the user $5 per word spoken and recieved. Not one to waste money, he places a call to his wife and says "Com-for-ta-ble"

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"

A man buys his wife a dildo [nsfw]
Before going on a business trip a man goes to a sex store and offers a lot of money for the best sex toy in the shop. The worker hands him a dildo saying "it's magical, just say the word dildo then where you want it to go. Clap three times to stop."

He goes home and give it to his wife, he says "You won't believe this toy... 'Dildo, my wifes vagina!" The toy jumps out of his hands and immediately goes to work. He then tells her the deactivation instructions but she isn't really listening due to the pleasure. He leaves to catch his flight.

After about an hour it becomes uncomfortable, she can't figure out how to stop it. Eventually she decides she has to go to the ER to take care of this. The dildo causes it to be hard to drive straight and a cop pulls her over thinking that she's drunk. After accusing her of being drunk she quickly explains that there is a magic dildo for which the officer cuts her off and says "yeah right, magic dildo my ass!"

It doesn't look good, Dick !!
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Don't know what to do
Wife : Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?


Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Robert came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', Asked Robert.
'I'm going to Nairobi', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get 4000 a night for what I give you for free!
'Robert said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
Robert said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on 8000 a year!'

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife.
After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on.
She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.
But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her.
"For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Women's Day.
Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it.
He'll wait in the kitchen.
His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before.
She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.
She calls out: "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims: "All that money and they didn't even iron it?!"

3 guys stranded on an island
, they find a magic Lamp.. the first guy makes a wish .. I wish I was off this island and be with my wife and children..POOF Hes at home with wife and kids ..2nd guy wishes he was in vegas with a bunch of women and lots of money POOF he's in Vegas .. 3rd Guy Grabs the lamp Dam I miss My friends... POOF

An old Jewish man said to wife one day...
"Ethel, when I die I want you to bury me with all my money."

When he died she threw a cheque in the grave.

Theory and Reality
A father is asked a question by his son: "What's the difference between theory and reality?" The father doesn't totally know how to explain it, so he goes to the grandmother and asks "For 100,000 dollars, would you sleep with any random man?" She says "The money would be good for the family, but that's against my religion, so no." the father goes to his wife and asks the same question. She tells him "The money would be good for the family, but I'm married to you, so no." Finally, the father asks the daughter the same quesiton and she says "the money would be good for the family, but it's a little weird, so no." The father then goes to the boy and says "In theory, we could have 300,000 dollars, but in reality we have 3 selfish bitches."

A Lalu brought a simple, spendthrift wife from a small town in Bihar.

He convinced her that they should go for Honeymoon.
The wife would not understand complex term as honeymoon and kept asking for explanation.
Lalu said, "Let me feel you my manhood in Honeymoon and you would know."
They went.
Had lots of fun and came back.
Wife back at home asked, "I still don’t understand what is this honeymoon that we went for."
The Husband said, "Oh, we were together, had so many hugs, kisses, varieties of sex, jokes, fun all that is honeymoon."
The spendthrift wife got angry, "You should have told me that before. Back in town, Malu, Kalu, Suru and I were together all the times, and had this fun without spending a dime of my money."

75 cents
At the start of the recent recession I found myself out of a job and at risk of losing the house. My wife had never held a job, but thought that, with the military base down the road, she could make a little money on the side giving blowjobs. At first I was hesitant, but we agreed to give it a shot and she set out after dinner. A little before 1 am she was back home with a big smile on her face and waving a thick stash of bills. We counted them and she had made $160. She then reached into her pocket and pulled out 3 quarters. I asked. " who gave you the " ? She replied "everyone did"

Wife walks up to husband and asks for money
Wife: I need some money to buy a bra

Husband: do you think you have breasts big enough to buy a bra?

Wife: when you bought boxers, did I say anything?

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife’s beside.

It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, asher voice was little more than a hoarse whisper.
"Bill darling," she breathed. "I’ve got a confession to make before I go... I... I’m the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I’m afraid I also was theone who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That’s all right dearest; don’t even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I’m the one who poisoned you."

Two with sausage and meatballs, two without
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Andrew went to Medical Insurance to apply for his pension.

The woman behind the bench asked for his driving license to verify his age, but he had left his wallet home.
He said to her that he had to go home and return later.
The woman said: "Unbuckle your shirt."
And so he did, revealing his curly, gray hair of his chest.
"These gray hair is quite a nice proof for me," she said and continued with his application form.
When Andrew went home, he said to his wife what had happened.
"You should have taken your pants off," she said, "Maybe you would have taken disability pension too!"

How to pick the perfect wife
There was a man who wanted to get married and had 3 girlfriends and didnt know which one to choose.. so he gave them each $50,000 to spend and see how they spend it. The first girl spent it all on herself and said I want your wife to look beautiful for you to show off. The second girl spent the money equally on both of them and ttold him that she wants to be equals and fair to them both. The last girl spent the money all on him and said she cares about him.
Then the man made his decision and all the women asked however did you decide.. he said it was easy. He just chose the girl with the biggest boobs.

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"

The third??
A guy comes home late at night.
His wife asks : Where have you been?

He answers : I just got a tattoo.

His wife : A tattoo ? What an asshole ! ( she screams )

Him : I tattooed a $500 note on the penis.

His wife: Why such stupid thing ?

Him for three reasons. The first because I like seeing my money grow, the second because I love playing with my money,

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also..'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place..

The grass is almost a foot high.'

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

John decides to tatoo on his dick 100 dollar billthe guy is puzzled and asks him why ?
"I've got two reasons: 1- I like to play with my money. 2. When my wife asks for money I can tell her :here, help yourself."

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Some marriage jokes (closer to facts)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
 It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. 
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..' 
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. 
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!' 
Women will never be equal to men until can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! 
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
 If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? 
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

the old couple had no money left, so the husband says
-"Martha, you spent all our monthly pension playing bingo. Now we cannot even buy food, the only way we got to get some money quickly is that you prostitute yourself"

The old woman accepts her fate and goes out. The evening passes, then the full night. The husband begins to get worried, but her wife arrives at dawn:

-"Phew that was a busy night, but I got 1.000 dollars and twenty cents"

-"¿20 cents? ¿Who was the asshole that paid you 20 cents?"

-"Why, everyone, dear"

George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once.

He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!", exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied: "Yes!"
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks: "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly, sir", replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?", inquires the guy.
"Four cents", he replies.
"Four cents?!", exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies: "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says: "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies: "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office.

Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double.
The man asks for his first wish.
"The first thing I want is a million dollars."
The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million."
The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise."
The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses."
The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death."

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.

One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.
So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
This time, Charlie replied, "I can’t hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can’t hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
Again, the reply was, "I can’t hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!"

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

A man is out drinking with his friends....
...and gets so drunk he thows up all over his shirt. He starts freaking out and says that his wife is going to be pissed that he got so drunk. His friend tells him to put a $10 bill in his front pocket and tell his wife that someone threw up on him and gave him the money to get it cleaned. When his gets home, his wife sees how messy he is and starts yelling at him. He tells her the story and points to his front pocket. His wife grabs the money and asks "then why is there $20 in here?" The man explains "he shit in my pants too."

A man and his ever-nagging wife went to Jerusalem...
but while they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150 or have her shipped home for $5,000." The man thought about it for a moment and then decided to have his deceased wife shipped home.
"Why spend so much more money to have her sent home when you can just have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?"

The man replied, "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here but arose from the dead three days later. I just can't take that risk."

A young woman marries an old man for his money, and they go on their honeymoon.
They're both sort of traditional, so they haven't had sex (with each other) before the wedding. They get to their hotel room, and get ready to have sex for the first time. The man drops his pants and his wife says "ugh, what ugly knees you have!" The man defends himself, saying "When I was 11, I had kneesels". He then removes his socks, and his wife says "Your toes look god-awful!" The man responds "When I was 13, I had tolio". He then pulls off his underpants, and his wife says "Don't tell me- when you were 15, you had smallcox."

A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table...
A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If my son takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.


The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.


"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

Harry's wife lets him go to the strip club for his b-day...
For being faithful to her and bieng a good husband. When they enter the club, A hooker comes over to Harry and says,

"Hey Harry, You want the usual?"

When his wife asks, Harry says that it is a co-worker, who must be working for extra money.

Later on they are approached by another hooker, again asking Harry if he wants his usual lap dance. Harry tells his wife that she must've mistaken him for a different Harry. The head for the bar, and the Barman says,

"Howdy, Harry! Vodka Martini, same as always?"

At last Harry's wife storms out of the bar in disgust, Harry following and trying to explain. Outside the club, the Doorman says,

"Bloody hell, Harry! You sure have picked up an ugly one this time!"

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

Another airplane joke
Not sure if this is already here or not:

Obama, Michelle Obama, and Oprah are on a plane. Obama says, 'I'm the President, I'm so rich, and have so much money, I can throw 1 million dollars out and make 1 million people happy.' Michelle Obama said, 'Well since I'm your wife, I can throw 2 million out of this plane and make 2 million people happy.' Oprah said, 'I have my own talk show and give stuff everyday, so I can throw 4 million dollars out of this plane and make 4 millions people happy.' Hearing the conversation the pilot leans back and says, 'Oh yeah? I can throw 3 niggers out of a plane and make the whole nation happy.'

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."


I responded, "How about now?"

Before it starts...
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started!

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

True friendship
This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.
I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

When my wife left I was sad upset and lonely
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink .



She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

Olympic Condoms
A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"

A womans husband worked at a Pickle Factory...
One day, her husband comes home and says, "Dear, for years at work I have had the powerful urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer. Every day, when I walk past the pickle slicer, I get the compulsion to just stick it in. Well, today, I gave in and shoved my dick in the pickle slicer right there on the work floor."

The wife gasps, "Oh my God! What happened?"




"She and I both got fired."

A man come home from work one day...
... and asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"

The wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one chug.

He asks his wife again "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"

Again, the wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one go.

Once more he asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"

At that point the wife says "Are you sure you want another beer? Isn't two enough for the evening?"

The man replies: "aaaand it started."

A man gets home from work one day to find his wife is gone.
He walks in the kitchen to find a note on the fridge that reads, "This isn't working, I've packed my bags and left for my mother's." Confused, the man opens the fridge and thinks to himself, "Well, the light's on and the beer is cold. What the hell was she talking about?"

Tug it
A couple is laying in bed. The man turns to his wife and says "Honey, I think we should work out a system to determine whether you want to have sex. On any given night, reach over, and grab my cock. If you want to have sex, give it a tug. And if you don't want to have sex, tug it 100 times."

So, this guy works at a pickle factory...
...and one day when he comes home from work, his wife can immediately tell something is wrong. "What's the matter?" she asks. "Well," says the husband, "Lately, at work, I've been having bad thoughts... really bad. I feel compelled to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." "That's horrible!" shouts his wife, "What's wrong with you?! You need therapy!" "You might be right," says the husband.

So, he starts going to therapy, and things seem to be going well for while. But, then one day he comes home from work and his wife can see on his face that he's been crying. "No!" she cries, "Tell me you didn't do it!" "I sorry, honey" her husband sobs, "I couldn't help myself. I did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer!" "So, what happened?!" asks his wife. "Well, I got fired." says the husband. "No!" his wife yells, "What happened with the pickle slicer?!" "Oh," says her husband, "Well, she got fired too."

New Earring
John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".

"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.

"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"

... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

A man comes home from work to see his wife packing her things.....
"What are you doing?", the man asks.
"I'm leaving you", the woman replies. "I just found out that I can make fifty dollars in Las Vegas for what I've been doing for you for free".
The man stands in silence for a moment and then leaves the room.
The wife, puzzled, follows him to the other room to find him packing his things.
"What are you doing?", the wife asks.
The man answers, "I'm coming with you. I gotta see how you're going to live off fifty dollars a month".

Husband get back home from work asks wife
**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"

Hung Chow Calls into work and says "Hey boss, I no come into work today, I really Sick...
I got Headache, stomachache, and my legs hurt. I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and i go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

My favorite joke from The Sopranos
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."

Credit to Uncle Jun.

Going to Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

Midnight Surprise!
A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

True Friendship
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.

"My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

My grandpa's favorite joke
This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

She left me a note...
I will never understand my wife, she is so sensitive.
I come home from work last night and she'd left a note on the fridge...

"It's no good Harry, it's just not working. I am going to stay at my mums for a few days."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was stone cold.
What the fuck?

A joke Bob use to tell me
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

*

Chinese sick leave.
Hung Chow calls into work and says"hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come in"
The boss says" you know something Hung Chow, whenever I feel sick I just get my wife to have sex with me and it really makes me feel better. You should give that a try and then come to work."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again " I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."

Jake's final conversation
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to" his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

A man comes home from work
and tells his wife "Pack your bags, I just hit the lottery." His wife says "Oh that's wonderful. Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says "I don't care. Just get out."

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him his drink and asks, "What happened?"

"I came home early from work today...and found my wife having sex with my best friend"

The bartender pours him a second drink - "That's awful, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her we were through. 'Pack your bags, and leave!'"

"What about your friend?"

"I waved my finger at him, looked him straight in the eye, and told him...bad dog."

Grandpa told me this
Guy lost his finger in a work accident

His wife was telling her friend about it

The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"

The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence...
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

" I love to pamper my wife "
I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her

A blond woman goes around a rich neighbourhood looking for work...
A blond goes around a rich neighbourhood, looking for jobs to make some quick money. She goes up to one of the houses front doors, and asks the man who answered the door if he needs any painting done. He asks if she could paint his porch. She agrees, and tells him it will cost $50 do do. The man goes back inside, and tells his wife that the woman is painting his porch for $50. The wife, surprised resonds but the porch goes all around the entire house. $50 isn't near what we should be paying to get it painted." The man dismisses this, and 15 minutes later, the woman knocks on his door, saying she is done, and even did a second coat. The man, amazed, asks her how she got done so quickly, to which she responds its not *that* big. And by the way, it's not a Porsche, it a Ferrari"

A man walks into work one morning...
A man walks into work one morning with a nasty black eye and a couple of scratches on his face. The receptionist, a young woman, notices and asks the man what happened.

"I got beat up defending my girlfriend's honor."

"Aww, that's sweet," said the receptionist, "what did your girlfriend think?"

"She couldn't believe how hard my wife could hit."

Sleeping with POTUS
The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"

A man came home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man...
A man came home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man.

The husband shouted, "What the hell is going on here"?

"See?" said the wife, "I told you he was stupid."

Three guys show up in heaven
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.

The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.

St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.

When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.

The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."

A farmer has a new handsome assistant
A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had sex with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

How much of sex is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast...
"Yeah?, well you aren't so good in bed either!" The doctor shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and call home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" He said
"I was in bed." came the reply.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Husband and wife are talking about finances...
Wife says "Honey, you could ride your bike to work and we could sell the extra car."

Husband says "Yeah, I can see that. Or you can give me blowjobs and let me cum on your face. Then we could get rid of the nanny."

A man comes home from work...
and sits down in his most comfortable chair, kicks back, turns on the tv and yells to his wife. "Quick, grab me a beer before it starts!". The wife comes over and sets a beer down and walks away when a minute later he yells again, "Quick, grab another beer before it starts!" The wife hesitates but brings a beer over. He slams the beer and says, "Quick, grab me another before it starts!". The wife, fed up with this bursts out, " I'm sick of this! You come home and sit your ass down and start ordering me around...". When the man interrupts, "Damn. It started."

A man comes home early from work.....
A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.

A guy comes home from work, goes to the bedroom, and sees his wife screwing their neighbor
The guy says, "What are you two doing!?!?!?!"

The wife says to the neighbor, "See - I told you he was stupid."

Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

A wife is at home watching the news.
On the TV she sees footage of a crazy man driving the wrong way on the freeway. She realizes her husband takes the same path home from work. She immediately calls him and warns him of the danger. She says, "Be careful! There's a crazy man driving on the wrong side of the freeway!"


The husband replies, "One!? There's hundreds of them!"

Gone fishing
The husband came home from work Friday afternoon and told his wife he'll be going fishing for the weekend with his friends from work. The suspicious wife ever so kindly offered to pack for him. She went unto their closet and threw a duffle bag full of clothes and toiletries together. Having loaded up his truck, the husband kissed his lovely wife goodbye and took off for the weekend.

On Sunday evening, the husband returned home. The wife cheerfully asked her husband how his weekend was. The husband exclaimed it was great and he had a great time with his friends. However, he told his wife, that he couldn't find his PJs so he was forced to sleep in his jeans the whole weekend. The wife got up from her seat and slapped her husband, and yelled "THEY WERE IN YOUR TACKLE BOX!"

A married couple, down on their luck, decides to make some money by having the wife work down on the corner.
After the first day the husband picks her up and asks how she did. "Pretty good," she said, "I made $250.50"

"What asshole gave you $0.50?" He asked.

"All of them."

I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.

We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.

I was sitting on the couch naked.

Sign Language
I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was
about
to
take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up
to
my
wife, "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me and she shouted back,
"What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking
motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then
she
points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?




"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

A husband and wife are discussing how to . . .
stretch their money while the husband, who was recently laid off, looks for new work.

"You know, honey, if you learned how to cook, we could fire the maid" the husband says to the wife.

The wife retorts, "You know, honey, if you learned how to fu(k, we could fire the gardener."

A man comes home from work...
...and walks upstairs to find his wife flushed, naked and panting on his bed. Bewildered he asks "What's going on?!"

"I think... I'm having... a heartattack!" she replies. In a panic the man runs downstairs to call an ambulance.

When he put down the phone is son is right next to him. "Dad, I think I saw uncle Gary naked in the closet."

So he marches upstairs into his bedroom and opens his wardrobe. Sure enough his brother Gary is in there.

He lets out a disappointed sigh.

"You're a right piece of work you are...

The wife's having a heart attack and you're running round naked scaring the kids!"

A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked.
A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"

She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"

Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"

She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"

A husband goes home from work...
...to find his house with the lights dimmed down and candles surrounding the bed in the bedroom. He finds his wife there, laying abroad with sexy panties and a pink bra, and her bangs covering her left eye. She smiles.

"Tonight," she says. "Is going to be the sexiest and most passionate night of your life, sweetie."

The husband smiles as his wife gets up and unties his tie for him, and unbuckles his pants. He can't wait.

"Lets try role playing." she says. "I'll be your slutty little daughter, and you'll be my father who needs to teach me... discipline..."

He grins widely, liking where this is going. His wife grabs him and pulls him down to the bed. She whispers in his ear.

"I'm so horny..."

The husband enjoys this and decides to follow along with the role playing. He then whispers back in her ear.

"Hi, horny. I'm dad."

A wife wants to spice up her sex life...
So she goes decides to try crotchless panties. Her husband gets home from work and she's on the couch waiting for him. He walks by, looks at her, then goes in the kitchen and gets a beer. He comes back and sits down like nothing happened.

Finally, the frustrated wife yells "Don't you want some of this?"

And he says "Fuck no, look what it did to your underwear."

A guy comes home from work one evening...
and he tells his wife, "Ha! That crazy bugger Tom Wilkins from work was bragging today that he's slept with every woman on our block except one!"

His wife says, "I bet it's that snooty old bitch Jane Embry..."

Police called me at work!
The officer said a burglar broke into my house and drank all my beer, then raped my wife.
I said, "WHAT?????!!!!! He fucked my wife after only 5 beers???!!!"

so this guy walks to work everyday
and for years he walks past this pet store.
when he first got the job there was a baby gorilla in the window
now after years of walking by there's a full grown gorilla in the window of this pet shop.
the guy feels bad one day and he decides he to buy it.
he comes home and his wife is like "WTF! WHERE'S IT GONNA EAT?!"
the guy says "at the table, with us."
"WHERE'S IT GONNA SLEEP?"
"in the bed, with us."
"WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL??"
the guy pauses and says "I got used to it i suppose it will too"

Oh, Jim...
Jim goes to the Doctors about a rash. "Doc, I've had this rash on my chin for 2 weeks now. I've tried everything; aloe vera, tea tree oil, vaseline. Nothing works."

The Doctor says "Oh I've seen this before"

"You have?"

"Yes. I had the exact same thing last week. I was going down on my wife once a night for a week and one morning, it was gone. You should try it"

"Ok Doc!"

So he goes off and comes back 2 days later.

"Wow, Doc, You were right. It does work. And I must say, what a beautiful house you have"

A wife walks into her home
The wife comes home early from work one day suspecting that the husband is cheating on her and catches the husband in bed with a sheep.

The wife exclaims: "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband sighs and responds: "See, this is the cow I sleep with when you're not here."

The wife now with a frown replies: "Are you stupid? That's a sheep, not a cow!"

The husband looks the wife dead in the eyes and says: "I was talking to the sheep."

This couple were down on their luck.
A married couple down on their luck and out of work decided the only option for them was to have the wife become a prostitute and husband be the pimp.
They decided to set up on a corner while the husband waited in the car. The first "customer" pulls up and asks the wife, "how much to fuck?" The wife doesn't know what to charge so she runs to the car and asks her husband . He tells her to charge $100. When the wife informs the customer, he says he only has $50. The wife goes to the husband and asks what she should do. He tells her to charge $50 for a blow job. The "customer" agrees and proceeds to pull out his gigantic cock. The wife gasps and tells him to wait.
She runs to the car her husband is in and asks.."Can we loan him $50"?

Monday...
A man wakes up with a terrible hangover. Going downstairs he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, what exactly did I say?". She replies,"you got into an argument with your boss." He looks at her and says "well piss on him." That is what you told him and he fired you she says, "well screw him!" he shouts. She looks at her husband and says..."I did, you go back to work on Monday!"

A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.

One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

tom and his boss
n the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Tom calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

Gone Fishing.
This guy came home from work and said to his wife, "I need a vacation. I'm too stressed out. I think I'll go fishing for the weekend."

"Okay," she says. "I'll pack for you."

So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, "Wow, I feel a lot better now!"

"How did I pack?" the wife asks.

"You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas," he replies.

"No I didn't," she says. "I didn't have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box."

Winter's cold
Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really fucked now."

It is Bob's anniversary
It's Bob's 15th anniversary and he forgot. When he came home from work he didn't notice his wife was all made up with make up and a pretty dress. Bob asked his wife what was for dinner but she kept hinting that they should have a date night but Bob getting from work was tired so he made a sandwich and then took a nap. When Bob woke up, his wife was standing over him with a furious look on her face before she screamed "YOU FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY" Bob realized he just screwed up in a major way, but before he could make amends his wife kicked him while shouting " IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP IN THIS AGAIN THERE HAD BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 TO 200 IN LESS THAN 3 SECONDS". When Bob's wife woke up in the morning there was a small box in the driveway. She opened the box and in side she found : a bathroom scale.

Bob Has Been Missing since monday

Honey, Please get me a drink..
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it's about to start.

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John. Honey , said John, two minutes later, please get me another one quickly *before it starts*.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING! Hannah exclaimed, DO YOU THINK I'M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I'M GOOD FOR!?

John sighs, and mutters under his breath, it started….

Two men died and were in line at the pearly gates
Two men appeared at the pearly gates together. Seeing that there was a line to get in, they struck up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" Said the first man to the second.

"I suffocated and froze to death in a deep freeze. I wouldn't recommend it as a good way to go. You?"

"Oh it was horrible," said the first. "I came home early from work and heard my wife having sex upstairs. I crept up the back staircase to catch them in the act, but they heard me and he took off down the main stairs. I ran the rest of the way up the stairs, then back down the front stairs, only to hear the basement door slam shut. Between running up and down the stairs and all the stress from the ordeal, I dropped dead of a heart attack in the living room."

"That's horrible," says the second. "If you'd have made it to the basement and looked in the freezer I'd probably still be alive."

I wish my wife were more like the Cleveland Browns.
She'd work out all week and suck dick every Sunday.

Make us even
Two good ol' boys in a Georgia trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Kia plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that
make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would
make us even!"

A man is late to his twin's birth
A man is late to his twin's birth, he gets to the hospital and apologizes to his wife for being late. The wife says, I am sorry, they needed paper work done, I let your brother name the children. The husband somewhat angry and shocked, "You let my crazy brother Larry name our children, what did he name the girl". "Denise", said the wife. The man repeated it "Denise..Denise..Denise..Denise is a pretty name what did he name the boy?"....The wife responded...."DaaNephew".

Husband says to his wife why don't you tell me when you orgasm?
She said: " I don't like ringing you when you're at work "

A man is in an accident and goes to the doctor
The doctor gives him an x-ray.

"Well", he says. "your leg is broken. You're going to have to stay off of it for 3 months. Also, you have brown balls."

A few days pass and yet again the man has an accident and goes to the same doctor.

"You've really done it this time. Now your other leg is broken. It's going to take 3 months to heal that one, and 3 to heal the other one. That, and you still have brown balls"

The man is very upset. He goes home and tells his wife.

"Dear, I've broken both of my legs. I won't be able to work for 3 months at least, so that means you'll have to get another job to help us with the bills"

His wife is extremely pissed. "That's just great. I take care of our 4 kids, I cook, clean, already have a part-time job...I don't even have time to wipe my ass!"

The husband says, "We're gonna have to talk about that too."

A woman is getting ready for bed when she says to her husband...
"Honey, I think my breasts are too small. I'm considering getting implants. What do you reckon?"

The husband shakes his head, "no, all you have to do is take a piece of toilet tissue and rub it between your breasts twice a day."

His wife looks surprised and asks, "you think that's effective?"

The husband replies, "sure. It seems to work for your arse."

Calling in sick from work
A man is calling in sick from work and says to his boss, sorry boss, I can't come into work I'm feeling sick. His boss replies, I'm sorry to hear that. Whenever I feel sick I have sex with my wife and usually feel better. You should try it. The man agrees and calls him back later that day. He says you were right. I do feel better and your house is really nice.

Breakfast Wife
(Overheard at work)

I was eating breakfast at a dinner with the old lady when the man at the next booth says to his wife, "Please pass the sugar, sugar".

A short time later at the booth on the opposite side of me, the man says to his wife, "Please pass the honey, honey".

Annoyed, my wife says to me "How come you never talk sweet to me like that?"
"Ok", I say, "Please pass the bacon, pig."

Professional Advice
Guy wakes up, heads down for breakfast, sees wife. She's shocked. "Honey, you look terrible!" "That's weird, I feel great."

Guy goes to work, heads into office, sees boss. He's horrified. "Jeez, Guy, you look terrible." "But I feel great." "I don't care, take the day off and get checked out."

At the doctor, Guy summarizes. "Everyone says I look terrible, but I feel great. What's wrong with me?" Doctor gets his medical book out. "I think I've heard of this before, let's see here...'looks terrible, feels terrible,' not quite, 'looks great, feels terrible,' no, that's not it, aha!"

"Right here. 'Looks terrible, feels great.' Well, Guy, it says here you're a vagina."

My wife got a prick in her hand while sewing.
"Stick it in cider," I said.

"What good'll that do?"

"I dunno, but there's this woman at work who says every time she gets a prick in her hand she sticks it in cider."

I heard this joke on a show called "Accused" it made me laugh
"A man gets his dick cut off at work and they give him 40000 dollars comp... he could get a 4 inch penis for 10 grand, a 6 inch for 30 and the full big 8 inch penis for the full 40. But his wife is there and she needs to help make the decision.
So, his boss leaves, like our lawyer did right there to 'let them talk' and comes back a half hour later 'So, what'll ya have?' and the man says 'well, we're getting a new kitchen.'"

So a couple own a Chinese restaurant..
One day after work the couple are having sex and the husband tells the wife, " I want a 69 " and the wife says, " Why are you ordering beef and broccoli now?"

A guy I work with was late for our meeting, so I asked what happened.
He said, My wife and I aren't talking to each other. We're giving each other the silent treatment, and I didn't want to be the first one to break the silence and lose. So I wrote a note on a piece of paper: 'Please wake me up at 7:30am.'

Well, I didn't wake up until 9:30am. Boy, was I mad that my wife didn't wake me up. Then I noticed a piece of paper on my pillow that said: 'It's 7:30am. Wake up.'

A construction worker comes home from work.
He tells his wife, "Honey, I cut off my finger today."
She replies, "The whole finger!?"
He says, "No, the one right next to it."

So a guy stops at the bar after work...
A guy stops by the bar on payday and starts drinking with his buddies. He stays for hours and gets so drunk that he pukes on his shirt. He tells his buddies, My wife is going to be pissed to have to clean my puke off this shirt".

His Buddy: I have a trick for that. I stick a twenty dollar bill in my pocket and tell the old lady some other guy puked on me and he gave me twenty bucks to give her to clean it .

So the guy goes home and sure enough his wife is pissed.
Damn it I don't want to clean your puke .

But it's not mine some guy puked on me at the bar and put twenty bucks in my pocket to give you to clean it.

She checks his pocket, Hey, there's forty bucks in here!

The drunk says Yah, the son of a bitch shit my pants too .

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument...
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!", the doctor shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion." 

$10 in the pocket.
John has a bad drinking problem and agrees with his wife that he'll stop drinking. On his way home from work, he can't help but stop by the bar for just one drink.

"Only one tonight, Bill. My wife wants me to stop drinking for good."

He finishes his first and asks for a second. Then a third and a fourth. On his fifth drink, he vomits on his work shirt.

"Oh fuck! Now my wife is gunna know I was drinking! She's gunna kill me, Bill."

"Hey don't worry about it. Tell her you were walking home and a man threw up on your shirt. Tuck a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her he gave you money to get it dry-cleaned."

John loves the idea and has a few more before he goes home. As he walks into his house, his wife starts screaming "You son of a bitch, you've been drinking again! You got puke all over you!"

"No, I swear I wasn't! I was walking home and a man threw up on my shirt! He even gave me $10 to get it dry-cleaned," he says, pulling the money from his front pocket.

"John, that's a $20 bill," she replies.

"Yeah, he shit in my pants, too."

Windows at home frozen
Wife by text to husband at work ............

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy
That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

Three are guys sitting around in heaven..
Three guys are in heaven, each sharing the story of their death. The first guy, propped up on his cloud recalls his ultimate demise. "Well, I had been sent home from work early one afternoon, and when I got home my wife was half naked and obviously surprised to see me. I found a pair of men's pants in the lounge, and in my rage smashed the TV. Then I found a necktie in the bedroom, and overturned the dresser. THEN I found all the empty beer bottles on my bar, and threw the bar fridge out the window. In my rage I had a heart attack, and here I am.
The second guy frowns, and exclaims how strange that was. "Well, that is bizarre. I was taking a walk one day and was minding my own business, when out of nowhere I was struck by a falling fridge. I died instantly and here I am."
The third guy thinks for a second and says "Well, I'll tell my story but you ain't gonna like it. I was hiding in this fridge..."

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes
Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...

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An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."

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The nurse told Ole to strip to the waist. So he took off his pants.

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Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.

Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."

However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became aroused when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.

"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."

"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."

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Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.

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Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."

"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."

"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.

"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"

"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"

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A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

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Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.

My crazy wife
I came home from work today and couldn't find my wife. I called her name a few times and still no response. As I approached the bedroom, I heard her moaning. I kicked open the door to find her with a bag of walnuts. She was popping them into her vagina, one by one. I shouted at her, "Are you fucking nuts?"

repost (pretty sure) suspiciously knowledgable wife
wife calls the husband at work. "can you send a mechanic to our house, the carburettor is flooded."

husband is taken aback and becomes suspicious. "how do you know that?" he asks.

"because the car is at the bottom of the pool".

I changed my mind
Wife: I changed my mind...

Husband: Does the new one work?

A wife wants a boob job...
Her husband ask why. She says she wants bigger breasts. He aks if its going to be expensive. She says it will be quite expensive. He tells her to first try rubbing a wad of toilet paper between her breasts and see if that works. How the hell is that going to work, she says. He explains, it seemed to work for your ass!

Chinese man calls his boss "Me no work, I sick".
The boss replies "When I am sick, I fuck my wife. Try that."

..Two hours later the Chinese man calls back "Me better, you got very nice house"

Three men are talking about their wives...
There are three men sat around a table in a bar.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there"

The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a toolbelt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house for years..."

The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad. My wife is having an affair with a horse!

When I got home last night I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."

A man is busy at work and forgets that it is his wife's birthday...
When he gets home, his wife is completely enraged. "I DEMAND THAT YOU GET ME SOMETHING THAT CAN GO FROM 0-200 IN 5 SECONDS OR LESS!". The man cowers under his wife and nods his head.
The next morning the man leaves early for work and puts a small package on the driveway. When his wife wakes up, she looks outside and sees the package. Confused, she grabs her coat and runs outside. She rips up the paper, expecting to see keys, but instead there is a weight scale.

The man has been missing for several days.

No offence, its about a RUSSIAN policeman (Rus. Trans.)
A policeman comes home from work early and finds his wife naked and a pair of boots his never seen before at the door. He starts running around the house. He opens the bathroom door, looks inside and says:"No one here, so where is he?". He goes to the kitchen. Checks under the table. Says: "No one here, so where is he?". He goes into the bedroom. He lowers him self to look under the bed. From under the bed comes a hand with a ten dollar bill. The policeman snatches the money stands up and says:" "No one here, so WHERE IS HE!?"

Told you he was stupid
So a man came home from work to find his wife having sex with one a other guy and the husband says "what are you doing" and the wife says to her lover "I told you he was stupid".

Why I got divorced..........
Last wéek was my birthday.... My wife didnt wish me.... My parents forgot and so did my kids.... I went to work.... Even my colleagues didnt wish me.... As i entered my cabin my secretary said,"Happy Birthday Boss".... i felt so special.... She asked me out to lunch.... After lunch,she invited me to her apartment... WE went there.... She said,"Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute ?" "OKAY",i said... She came out 5min later with a cake And My Wife, My Parents, My Kids ,My Friends & My Colleagues... All Screaming, SURPRISE.... And I was waiting on the sofa......in my birthday suit