Wife Jokes

172 wife jokes and hilarious wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Take a break and lighten the mood by reading some hilarious wife jokes about divorce, morning daughter, and finally. Enjoy some of the funniest jokes about marriage and laugh until your sides hurt.

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jokes about wife

Best Short Wife Jokes

Short wife puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wife humour may include short wives jokes also.

  1. I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
  2. My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
    She just went to make a cup of tea.
  3. My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
  4. Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once
    Wife: me too.
    husband: 1st of Apriii....
    Wife: 18th of June
  5. A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
  6. My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far! I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.
  7. I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
  8. The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
    Happy Mothers' Day!
  9. Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
    Me: yeah he is really milking it
  10. Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Wife joke, Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about wife can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of wife puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Wife One Liners

Which wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wife? I can suggest the ones about daughter and spouse.

  1. My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.
  2. Wife: I'm pregnant. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
    Wife: No you're not.
  3. My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
    She just went to get coffee.
  4. What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
  5. TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway Whoops, wrong sub.
  6. I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
  7. What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
  8. Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
  9. My son identifies as a crescent moon. I'm worried, but my wife says it's just a phase.
  10. What do you call a hippies' wife? Mississippi
  11. The wife caught me cross-dressing So I packed her things and left
  12. My wife left me because of my gambling addiction But I know I can win her back
  13. My wife asked if I could stop singing 'Wonderwall' I said maybe
  14. My wife and I have decided we don't want children We plan on telling them after supper
  15. My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta And now I'm cannelloni

My Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny my wife jokes and even better my wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What does gay mean? asked a son to his father.
    "It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
    "Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
    "No, son, I have a wife."
  • My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
  • I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
  • My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
    The others were all eights and nines.
  • My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
  • My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
  • Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.
  • My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
    No, I'm not, I laughed.
    She said, I'm talking to the kids.
  • After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
  • My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Your Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny your wife jokes and even better your wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new. Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
  • My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
  • I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It's laundry day.
  • My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
  • My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
  • When my dentist reminded me about my wife's sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I and my wife have different dentists…
  • My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it. I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
  • I asked my wife why she married me. I asked my wife why she married me.
    She said Because you are funny.
    I said I thought it was because I was good in bed.
    She said See? You're hilarious!
  • My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old. Until she checked the freezer.
  • An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Man Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny man wife jokes and even better man wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
  • The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." He responds "well give me the one my wife made."
  • The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
  • A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
  • A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
    The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."
  • The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!
  • My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"? I said "No man, that would just make us even."
  • The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife Happy Mother's Day!
  • A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin" The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
    "Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed
  • My wife called out another man's name during sex If I ever find out who this "Ron Hole" is, I'm going to kill him

Man And Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny man and wife jokes and even better man and wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time. She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman
  • My wife and I are both feminists But I'm a man so I'm a bit better than her at it
  • The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
  • A married's man prayer Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.
    You gave me youth and you took it away.
    You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.
  • I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?". OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"
  • Policemen: I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck. Man: I know, but she has a great personality.
  • A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That is true in every country, son."
  • A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine
  • American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
    Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"
  • A Man walked into a bar with a gun The man - Which one of you F*cked my wife?!
    Random guy in the bar - YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!
Wife joke, A Man walked into a bar with a gun

Comical Wife Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about wife you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean maid jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make wife prank.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a b**... convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: p**..., 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a b**...?

The b**.... You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a b**....

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

I was having s**... with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

We were having s**... the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

My wife told me: "s**... is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had s**... with my wife!!!

A guy in the back replies
You don't have enough bullets

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an e**......

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"

Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

My wife walked in on me...

My wife walked in on me m**... to an optical illusion. I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

My mate asked me why I have s**... noises saved on my phone.

I said, It's for sound effects during s**....
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.

A boy asks his father Dad, what does 'gay' mean?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

My wife told me that "s**... is better on holiday".

Not the best postcard I've ever received.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
Wife : never
H : p**..., three letters
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
W : Up

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

My wife asked me whether I experimented with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

Wife joke, A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these wife jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.