The Best 82 Wife Jokes

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Husband: I have cheated once

Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.

husband: 1st of Apriii....

Wife: 18th of June

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.

Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.

What are you talking about? she asked.

I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.

"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender

I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.

Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had sex with my wife!!!

A guy in the back replies

You don't have enough bullets

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It's laundry day.

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

When my dentist reminded me about my wife's sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, It's for sound effects during sex.

He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?

I replied, No, I work in a morgue.

A boy asks his father Dad, what does 'gay' mean?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.

The creator of Mad Libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.

Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
 

Wife : never

H : pistol, three letters
 

W : gun

H : disgust, three letters
 

W : ugh

H : charity, four letters
 

W : give

H : female sheep, three letters
 

W : ewe

H : Pixar movie, two letters
 

W : Up

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?

The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me!

I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."

"Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."

He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.

"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!"

"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!

I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.

Apparently my family is racist

I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife.

Neither of them work.

I bought my wife a wig from the discount store.

Wasn't going toupee full price.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

A man and his wife were sleeping in their bedroom.

The woman shouts in her sleep, "Run my husband is home!"

The man gets up and jumps off the window.

My wife and I just finished watching all of The Office back to back...

Thankfully I was the one facing the telly.

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!

-James Franco

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.