Wife Jokes

funny jokes about wife and hilarious stories

BEST WIFE JOKES

Wife jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Wife of all time along with the funniest wife gags ever told.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask
Whoops, wrong sub

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

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A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she said. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?

You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry
I'll return.

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LATEST WIFE JOKES

Me and my cross-eyed wife got a divorce.
We just couldn't see eye to eye.

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My wife accused me of cheating today. I didn't mean to
But today was cheat day and that chocolate cake was good.

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Boredom is just an anagram of Bedroom .
My wife just informed me of that fact while we were having sex.

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My wife found my hard sock in the laundry.
She winked at me and said "Have you been using cornstarch?"

I said "No, it's just my Johnson's baby powder."

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After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.
If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

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My wife told me if I don't improve my marksmanship, she's leaving
I'm gonna miss her

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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag


My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke

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My wife told me off for always exaggerating.
I nearly tripped over my cock!

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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks

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Whats the difference between a redneck and a blind person
Either cant tell if there fucking there sister or wife.

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So the Doctor hands me the Baby and tells me my wife didn't make it.
So I politely return the Baby and ask for the one my wife made.

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One day my wife told me I should work out more and get a six pack
I asked why do I need a six pack when I already have a gallon jug?

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My brother Tide and his new wife Annie went on a cruise for their honeymoon. Unfortunately my brother didn't survive the cruise.
Riptide.

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Did you guys see Stevie Wonders wife at the AMA's last year?
Neither did he

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A wife talks to her husband angrily:
"When I said I want a child I didn't mean you should kidnap one!" she pauses "What do we do now?"

And husband replies: "Maybe we could still abort it?"

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My wife caught me cheating with her cousin. She totally overreacted and left the house
She caught me passing extra monopoly money to her.

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The richest man in 2018 is so appall about forming unions...
He divorced his wife. No Unions Allowed!

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I husband and wife go to a bar
Husband:I love that girl's hair

Wife: If you love her so much then marry her.

Husband:The more then merry-her

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Every. single. day.
I give my wife an orgasm every day, but sometimes she spits it back.

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A wife ask's her husband if he knows the difference between the colors Pink and Purple.
The husband carefully thinks about the question for a few moments and then replies: You're Grip.

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WIFE JOKES THAT ARE...

Wife jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about wife, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask
Whoops, wrong sub

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry
I'll return.

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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."


I responded, "How about now?"

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My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.

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Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

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My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

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BEST DIRTY JOKES

Dirty wife jokes about cheating wives who regret it or not.

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...
**An old couple gets pulled over and...**

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."

*Cue my grandmother scolding my grandfather for telling a dirty joke in front of the kids.*

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2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.
If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

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A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

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Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!
Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

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Husband and his wife at night conversation
Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

Shetext back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

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A man had a portal to a secret world in his house
Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm.
But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.

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Cop Joke
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

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Original joke that actually happened in real life. Slightly dirty.
My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"

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A married couple is lying in bed. (SFW)
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

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Wife: "Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."
Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Sick wife jokes for people with dark sense of humor.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.

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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home.


In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, β€œWhen did you bag him?”
The host said proudly, β€œThat was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.”
β€œWhat’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter.
β€œMy ex-wife” replied the hunter.

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*Wakes up to wife and son screaming*
Me: "

What are you guys yelling about?"
Them: "You're driving!"

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You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

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A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.


"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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Two cannibals were having lunch.
"Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other.
"Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."

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A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.


A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"

The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

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Every night while Dave is having dinner his wife Natalie goes to the bedroom turns off the light and makes out with Daves friend Andy by the window.
After some days Dave had doubt and leaving supper he went to the dark room only to hear whispers from the other side of the window.
He pushes Natalie away goes near the window,unties his pant and put his arse facing the window.
After a minute Andy puts a kiss on his butt cheek and says "Natalie, haven't u brushed ur teeth today?"

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This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy.


They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise."
So the old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..."

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One day, Muhammad's wife called him a pedophile.


In response, Muhammad asked his wife, "So, how does a 9-year-old know such a big word like that?"

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WHAT ARE WIFE JOKES ABOUT?

Wife is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about wife.

Are Wife jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring wife joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read wife jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with wife jokes on YouTube.

TOP MARRIAGE JOKES THAT ARE WIFE

Best Wife Jokes About husband and marriage.

My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!
Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Premarital sex
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

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Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

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Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!
Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

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After 30 years of marriage...
After 30 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she went: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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An older man was married to a younger woman.
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

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Sign language
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.


After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."


The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."


"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

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SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.
the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."

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Marriage jokes
Marriage jokes
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? Why? Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

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Husband on second day of marriage :-
He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

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Five Kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

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My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman
Which finally gave us something in common.

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25 years of marriage.
So an older couple that has been married for 25 years was driving together to the grocery store. The wife reached over and smacked her husband upside the head.

"What the hell was that for?" he asks.

"That's for 25 years of bad sex!" she replied.

The man thought about it for a while, and later on they were walking through the grocery store when the man smacks the woman upside the head.

"What the hell was that for?" she asks.

"That's for knowing the difference." he replied.

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A masochist and a sadist once married..
They did not know what the other person was and like every happy married life, they did not talk about each other's feelings. The sadist hit the masochist in bed every night and the masochist cried out in happiness that his wife could cater to his needs without him asking for it. The marriage worked. Years passed, and one day the man was in his death bed. The wife asked him, "what is your last wish honey?" The man replied, "I want a line up of men to come hit me till I die." The woman agreed and the next day asked asked the man to come out to see the line up she had got for him to punch him. Frail and almost dead, he stepped out to see the punch line, and there was none.

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A man and a woman get married
After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.

As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.

The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, people praise the Lord, and she lives another twenty years.

As they're carrying the casket through the church for the second time twenty years later, the husband murmurs to the other pall bearers, "Careful, watch out for that corner..."

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My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?


Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.


Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

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Fondling in bed
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her neck.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hands down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said "I found the remote".

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My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage
Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

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Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage
So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the condom and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"

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In 12 years of marriage the husband always insisted to have sex in the pitch dark room.
After all these years while getting at it the wife got mad and turned on the light. She saw that the man was holding a dildo in his hand and thrusting her with it. The wife got furious and exclaimed, 'You cheat! so this is what you have been doing for the past 12 years. Explain me what did I do to deserve this ? Why did you keep me in the dark all this time?'

The man calmly replied, 'I will explain the toys, you explain me about the kids.'

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I hear it's healthy in a marriage to have separate hobbies...
Makes sense, I don't think I'd like getting fucked by other guys as much as my wife

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Marriage Counseling
Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

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A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage
The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

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Marriage
Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

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an older man and his young wife are having problems in the bedroom...
the young women is unable to climax

so they decide to take the problem to their priest and ask for advice.

the priest confirms that sex is an important part of marriage and he suggests they hire a young man to wave a towel in front of the womens face to help her lose herself and to cool her down.

that night as they are having sex, the young man waves the towel but still no climax for the young women. so she suggests that her husband wave the towel and the young man have intercourse with her. all parties agree and the young women has an ear piercing shaking orgasm. afterwards the old man approaches the younger man and says

"see son, thats how you shake a towel"

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Went to see a marriage counselor today. He asked me to name something that the wife and I had in common.
Apparently, neither of us suck dick was the wrong answer....

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Marriage Problems
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

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Marital Secret
After thirty years of marriage, an Italian woman addressed her husband one evening.
'For thirty years I've done everything you expected and asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years together I wish to ask two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.'
'What are they?' asked the husband.
'My love, you always picka your nose,' replied the wife, 'and I wish you would not do that.'
'And the other thing?' enquired the husband.
'Whenever we have sex, always you are on top and I would really like to be on top of you sometimes.'
'Well my dear' said the husband. 'I have tried, as you have, to make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the words of your father when we were first married. He said only two things to me. First he said, "Now you marry my daughter make sure you always keep your nose clean." And second, he said, "Don't fuck up."

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Three men were exchanging stories about their sexual activity with their wives.
The first man says: "I remember how the first night of my marriage went wrong. After the wedding, I went to bed where my wife was waiting for me. I had had a little too much to drink and was kind of fuzzy.
so after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. That's when she slapped me and called me a whore monger."


"The same happened to me" said the other guy. "I had also drank more than I could handle, but I did what I had to do. After I fucked her, I handed her $60, she slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week"


"My situation was even worse" said the third guy.


"Why? How did she react?"


"I had downed more bottles than usual to celebrate my wedding and couldn't think straight. So after we had sex, I gave her a $100 bill."


"She slapped you too?"


"No. She gave me $30 in change."

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Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?
Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

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The Old Man and his wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

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Snails
A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.

The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.

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After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.
\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?

\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?

\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.

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25 years of marriage
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed

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Wife spices things up!
A wife, worrying about the state of her marriage, decides to spice things up in the bedroom by adding some costume play. She buys a sexy supergirl outfit and when her husband is in bed slips it on. She walks out, poses seductively and says "Superpussy". Her husband, not looking up from his crossword says "I'll have the soup thanks".

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Marriage joke
A little boy says, 'Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.' 'Son,' says the dad. 'That happens everywhere.'

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A man is kissing a tractor
A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor. (Attract her)

First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

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A guy says to the other...
"Marriage has taken all the joy out of sex."

"How so?"


"You know, there is always the terrifying chance of my wife coming home."

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Muslim Romance
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.

"Yes," he replied, but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!

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My friend and his wife found each other on a dating website,
Three years after marriage. That was awkward.

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My marriage counselor asked me to think of something me and my wife have in common....
I said, "Well, we both refuse to suck dick."

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I read that having sex every day for a year could transform your marriage.
It worked so well I'm thinking of suggesting it to my wife.

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A man and woman go to marriage counseling
Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?



Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.



Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

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Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed suicide so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

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Marriage jok
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

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A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his sex life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, sexually and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."

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THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage
1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.

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Went to a marriage counselor today, he asked me something that I have in common with my wife
Apparently "not sucking dicks" was the wrong answer

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A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife...
She asks him what he's looking for.

He replies, "oh just the expiration date!"

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Marriage Jokes
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

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60 Years of Marriage
An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.

Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"

She responds "that's for 60 years of bad sex"

They continue to rocking on the porch.

A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.

With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"

Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."

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After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?
Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

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Fifty Years of Marriage
An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of mariage.

"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.

"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.

"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."

"Such as?"

"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."

"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"

"I'm going back to visit her."

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How I got out of an abusive marriage
I stopped hitting my wife

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To keep sex interesting after 4 years of marriage, my wife and I like to roleplay. I pretend I'm the neighborhood handyman..
and she pretends she's still attracted to me.

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Our marriage councilor said I should talk to my wife during sex.
I told him that I guess I could call her.

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Wife : You stopped loving me after we got married...
Husband :I told you before marriage that I have no interest in married women....

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After six months of marriage I now realize why my wife was so happy on our wedding day.
She knew she had given her last blowjob

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Me and my wife have been seeing a marriage counselor lately and when we went in there he says "So tell me what do you two have in common?"
I said "Well for starters… Neither one of us suck dick!"

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An artist, architect, and engineer are at a bar...
...talking about having a wife vs. a mistress.
The artist declares that he prefers a mistress because he finds them more spontaneous and exciting.
The architect says, "no, I much prefer a wife because I enjoy building that foundation with one woman and love the security that comes with marriage."
The engineer says, "I prefer to have both and to spend equal time between the two of them... eventually, they both get used to you not being around and you can sneak off and get some work done."

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THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don't do it on porpoise

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My wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor.
The woman said, "How many times a week do the two of you have sex?"

My wife said, "One or two."

Things got awkward when I said, "Five or six."

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This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date
So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

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Will You Still Love Me???
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: Will you still love me when I'm old, fat, and balding?

She answered, I do.

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All Dolled Up
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbedβ€”and with her blessingβ€”he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue, she explained. Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the boxβ€”that meant she'd been angry with him only once in 60 years. But what about all this money? he asked.

Oh, she said, that's the money 
I made from selling the dolls.

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An Artist, an Architect, and an Engineer...
...are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect says, "A wife, of course. A good marriage is the foundation of a happy life."

The artist says, "No, a mistress. She will add intrigue and excitement to your life."

They turn to the engineer to ask his opinion. The engineer says, "I have both. The wife thinks I'm with the mistress. The mistress thinks I'm with the wife. And I can go down to the plant and get some work done."

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A couple were having an argument
Angry Wife: "I should have married the Devil... He would make a better husband than you!"

Husband: "Honey, you would have been arrested!! Marriage between relatives is illegal in this country!" ...

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A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.
It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.

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A young, recently married Italian couple immigrates to New York...
...and after three months of marriage, the wife, Maria, presents the husband, Ernesto, with divorce papers. Lawyers get involved, and eventually they are sitting in a meeting with each other's lawyers.
Ernesto's lawyer asks Maria: Maria, why do you want to divorce Ernesto?

Maria says "Two reasons! One, he-a is always-a picking at-a his nose! Day and night! It's-a disgusting! And-a two, he-a never wants to make love with-a me on-a top! Always Ernesto on top! Why no Maria on top?!"

Ernesto's lawyer looks at Ernesto and asks him if he'd like to explain himself.

Ernesto clears his throat. "Look-a. When we were a-leaving to a-come to this country, my papa takes-a me aside and he says, he says 'Ernesto, no matter whatta you do in America, keep your nose clean, and DON'T SCREW UP!"

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Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage
Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.

A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Tony began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and because she and my wife are identical,
occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"I understand they're identical twins, but surely there must be some difference
between the two women," said the judge.

"Precisely, Your Honor," replied Tony "That's why I want a divorce."

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Husband and wife before and after marriage
Husband and wife – BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife – Do you want me to leave?

Husband – No! Don't even think about it.

Wife – Do you love me?

Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband – No! Why are you even asking?

Wife – Will you kiss me?

Husband – Every chance I get!

Wife – Will you hit me?

Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife – Can I trust you?

Husband – Yes.

Wife – Darling!


Husband and wife – AFTER MARRIAGE:

read from bottom to top.

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You can only do this after 15 years of marriage!
After 15 years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said:

ABCDEFGHIJK.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.

Smiling, she asked: What about IJK?

He replied: I'm Just Kidding!

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The mystery of the Last son [long]
A man had four sons. The elder three were tall, muscular and blonde. The fourth son was a brunette and lanky.

The man always questioned if the last son was his. It would eat him inside. But to keep the sanctity of his marriage and family he never bought the topic up.

On his deathbed, he held his wife close and asked her "Darling, is the last child mine? Be truthful so I can die a peaceful death."

The wife replied "Yes dear. He is your own flesh and blood."

The husband breathed his last, content with a smile on his face.

His wife, wiping her tears, felt relieved he didn't ask about the other three.

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A couple went to a marriage counselor..
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.

He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day! "

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow? "

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So a husband and a wife are talking...
Wife: "What are you doing."
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You have been starring at our marriage certificate for hours!"
Husband: "Ok, I'm looking for an expiration date."

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A little boy says "dad I've heard in some parts of africa a man doesn't know his wife until marriage. The dad says......
"Son that happens everywhere."

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An old man found a box in his attic.
Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."

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A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for the first time.
The marriage counselor starts off by asking the couple what they have in common. The husband speaks up first and says "Well, neither one of us like suckin' dick."

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A couple goes into marriage counselling...
The wife tells the psychologist that her husband has been acting in unacceptable ways, and that she will have to seek a divorce if he doesn't change his behavior.


First of all, the husband always picks his nose, regardless of whether or not he's in public or some other inappropriate location for nose-picking.


Also, the husband never looks up while he is walking. His eyes are always glued to the floor when he goes anywhere.


And worst of all, he never lets his wife top while they're having sex.


The psychologist asks the husband why he acts the way he does, and the husband replies, "my father insisted that I do those things while he was on his deathbed, so I'm simply respecting his last wishes." "Well, what *exactly* did he say?" the psychologist inquired. So the husband replies, "he told me to keep my nose clean, don't step on any toes, and don't fuck up."

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A newlywed couple is about to consummate their marriage. As they started to undress the following conversation ensued:
her: "What happened to your feet?"

him: "Oh don't worry about that, it's just Tollio"

her: "did you mean Polio?"

him: "no it's Tollio, it just affects the toes."

*He then took his pants off and showed some ugly looking knees.*

her: "What happened to your knees?"

him: "Oh.. I also had Kneesles."

her: "Don't you mean Measles?"

him: "No... Kneesles, it just affects the knees."

*After removing his underwear the wife says*

"Don't tell me, you also had SMALL COX"

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Marriage ceremonies are a lot shorter in Texas
Because the wife doesn't have to change her surname.

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A newlywed wife makes her husband pay her a dollar before they have sex.
The husband shrugs and forks it over. This continues throughout the marriage; every time they have sex, he has to pay her a buck.
The husband comes home one day many years later, earlier than usual, and informs the wife that he's lost his job, and he's unsure how they will continue. His wife shows him a bank statement with an account holding over $500,000. "Where did you get this?" he asks. "Remember that dollar you paid me ever time you wanted to have sex? It added up over the years." The husband begins sobbing loudly, and the wife is mystified. "Why are you crying? We're saved!", she says. He replies, "If only I'd brought you ALL my business!"

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Celibacy (searched but didn't find...)
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

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$20 dollars for sex
I man and woman get married, on the night of their wedding, the man approaches his wife, ready to make love for the first time. She smiles sweetly and sticks her hand out. "That will be $20 please!" He goes along with her game and gives her $20. As the years of their marriage go by, she continues her little $20 game, always requesting it before making love to her husband. He figures this is just her cute little way of getting spending cash for her clothes and lunch with her girl friends, so he always obeys.

After 30 years of marriage, he comes home one day, and tells his wife he has been fire from his job, they are broke, they have no retirement! She gathers her check book and shows him many lists of $20 deposits into a savings account. He realizes what she has been doing all a long, and says to her, "Damnit, if I would have known what you were doing I would have given you all my business."

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Two deaf people....
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

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This Is Why Marriages Fail
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

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After 20 years of marriage... my wife still fucks like a star...
fish

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marriage certificate
Wife: What are you doing? Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing…? You've been reading our marriage

certificate for an hour.

Husband : I was looking for the expiration date.

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In a marriage breakdown there are always both to be to blame...
...the wife and the mother-in-law.

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In a furious argument, the wife tells her husband...
- I should have married the devil instead of you!

- Well, that's impossible. Marriage between cousins is forbidden!

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Joke my math professor told me today.
A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you sure this will work?" and the pastor persists, "Yes, just do something nice to attract her, it will work I promise." And so the man goes home to get ready. Hours later, the wife comes home to find her husband with candles lit, and her husband slowly waxing his John Deere in the kitchen. She screams, "What are you doing?!" to which he replies "IM SAVING OUR MARRIAGE MARCIA! Pastor told me to do something nice to a tractor."

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My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

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My wife wears my shirts around the house and I never freak out...
Wear one of her dresses once and it's the end of our marriage.

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my wife after 25 years of marriage asked me to choose my happiest memory, a moment when we were together
I said for god's sake woman, make up your mind, which one do you want?

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After 30 years of marriage a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly and then said: "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K."

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.

She smiled happily and then asked, "What about I-J-K?"

He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!"

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Some marriage jokes (closer to facts)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
Β It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.Β 
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'Β 
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.Β 
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.Β 
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'Β 
Women will never be equal to men until can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!Β 
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Β If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?Β 
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

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This husband wins the fight every time.
A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"

Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)

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TOP SEX JOKES THAT ARE WIFE

Sex jokes about wife and husband having sex in couple or with other people.

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

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I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.


Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

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Sex with the priest's wife
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.
Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

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I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.

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My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had sex with my wife!!!
A guy in the back replies

You don't have enough bullets

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!
Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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I was having sex with my wife last night
when she suddenly yelled, Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!


Just relax. I said, You might like it.


Relax? she screamed, What the fuck is Dave doing here?

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Sex and bread..
A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.
I said, It's for sound effects during sex.


He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?


I replied, No, I work in a morgue.

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My wife told me that "sex is better on holiday".
Not the best postcard I've ever received.

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I always shave my beard after having sex
... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

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Premarital sex
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday.
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

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A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary. The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!" The husband says...
"I know. That's why I'm doing it to her."

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Anniversary idea
For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed
She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.
But she pulled some strings and got me in.

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.

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I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex
She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years

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A woman goes into a pharmacy
She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

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Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

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The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

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I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

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A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

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Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctor.
After tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife might be over heating during sex. Paddy doesn't own a fan so he asks his mate around to waft a towel over them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. I'll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within minutes his wife is screaming having the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friendly slowly and says "And that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!"

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Woman in a coma
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

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My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.

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My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday".
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

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I think you are the father of one of my kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday'
I'll be honest it's not the nicest postcard I've ever received

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A woman is in a coma
and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.' so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ' i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.' so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, 'I don't know, I think that she started choking.'Β 

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A translated Norwegian joke
Two guys meets in the middle of nowhere, trying to find their wives.
They decide to help each other out, by describing their wives.

The first man goes on: "My wife is tall, well fit, blonde, got big firm breasts, thight bouncy ass, a massive lust for sex and a face of a model. How about yours"?

The second man replies: "She can go F**k herself, lets search for yours instead!"

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Is sex work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work .
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

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An elderly man walks into a confessional.
Man: I am 92 years old, had a wonderful wife of 70 years who recently passed away, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish.

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm 92 years old…I'm telling everybody!

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A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.

However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.

She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.

There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."

The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

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Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia

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My wife is leaving me
I was having sex with her twin when she came in. I tried telling her I was doing it because thought it was her. She didn't buy it.

It didn't help that his dick was in my ass.

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Chinese Sick Day
Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

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So a woman had been in a coma for a few years. . .
And everyday, when the nurse comes in to bathe her, she notices slight changes in her vital stats whenever she washes near her crotch. So the nurse fetches the woman's husband and says,
"I think a little oral sex is all your wife needs to come out of this coma."
The husband nods and asks for a little privacy. The nurse leaves, but after a few minutes she hears a horrible clatter followed by the woman flat-lining. The nurse runs in and yells,
"What the hell happened?"
The husband replied, "I don't know! I think she choked!"

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Robin Williams' Favorite Joke
Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

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My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted easily..........
Well I Better get back to it....

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Cheating wife
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.

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NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...
So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

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My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car
and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

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I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.
She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

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My wife hates me for having sex with her sister
I got home the other day from work and my wife says "you fucking son of a bitch" and asked what I had done.

Wife: You had sex with my sister you asshole!

Me: Look honey I got into my office in work and there she was lying naked on the table, what should I have done?

Wife: The autopsy

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My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

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A man goes up to his wife...
He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.

She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"

He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have sex then."

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An older man was married to a younger woman.
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

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Chinese man calls in sick
Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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Sex without light
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.


Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device … a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. You impotent bastard, She screamed at him, How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!


The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy … you explain the kids.

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During sex, I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.
I said, "You like that, bitch?"

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In A Real Pickle
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?'
'Oh Bill, you didn't?'
'Yes, I did.'
'My God Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No Bill. I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, she got fired too.'

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The Mexican maid askes for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: "Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?"

Juanita: "Well, SeΓ±ora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do."

Wife: "Who said that you iron better than me?"

Juanita: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Juanita: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than I am?"

Juanita: "Your husband did."

Wife, becoming increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Juanita: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you are."

Wife, seething now, and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Juanita: "No SeΓ±ora.......the gardener did."

Wife: "Oh, ok! So, how much do you want?"

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During sex with my wife,
I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"


And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

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I think my wife died...
I mean, the sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up.

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The Sex Shop Fatality.
A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from Β£50 to Β£150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the Β£150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a Β£150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

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As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

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Found this joke on yahoo, made me laugh pretty.
Sorry if it's an old one.
A guy marries this woman. Unfortunately, his dick is too small, so every time they have sex he uses a pickle instead.

For seven years he does this. One night his wife suspects that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly throws the cover back & turns on the lights.

So the wife says, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked & for seven years you've been doing this, you piece of #$%$."

So the man says, "Shut up! It's been seven whole years & I never ONCE asked where the hell those kids came from!"

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Kinky sex
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex.

When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin.

She notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door to leave.

"What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?"

He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm all done."

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SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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My Daughter Wanted a Puppy
I was walking through the park a few weeks ago with my daughter, when she pulled at my hand and pointed over to what was 2 dogs having sex - she asked me "daddy what are they doing", to which I replied "they are making a puppy".

Anyway's a few weeks later I was in the bedroom on top of my wife making passionate love to her, when my daughter burst in the room and said "daddy what are you doing", I said "we are making a baby", to which she started crying, and then whimpered "daddy please turn mummy over, I really want a puppy"...

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A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...
so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

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The other hole.
My buddy asked me the other day if whenever my wife and I were getting freaky if I ever tried having sex with her other "hole".

I replied "Hell No!",.......... She might get pregnant.

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A married couple with children made a code word for sex..
The code phrase is "Typing a letter".
So on a Friday movie night, the husband is in the mood and asks his wife around their children, "would you like to type some letters tonight?". The wife says they're watching a good movie, maybe tomorrow.

Saturday comes and the husband is now in heat, all day keeps asking to "type". Finally at night as the kids are tucked in, the wife softly asks, "I'm sorry for making you wait, do you wanna type the letter now, honey?", to which the husband replies:

"Forget it, it's been handwritten."

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My wife and I were having great difficulty conceiving.
We tried everything, got tested, tried in vitro, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, the doctor said we were putting too much pressure on ourselves. He said to throw away the charts and the thermometer and just enjoy sex again, doing it whenever the mood struck.

On morning at breakfast, I was reading the paper and reached for the salt. My wife reached for it at the same time. Our fingers touched, our eyes met, and I swept everything off the table, picked up my wife and made love to her right there. Nine months later we had a baby.

Of course, we still aren't allowed in our local Burger King, but I think it was worth it.

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A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small,
so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that.

One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a
pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."

So the man said, "Shut the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

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friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex.
The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming!"

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Headaches
A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having sex tonight!"

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on the eve of our anniversary....
On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

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My wife is a sex object
I ask for sex, she objects

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So a guy walks into a bar with a gun...
Who had sex with my wife!!?

A man shouts from the back, *you don't have enough bullets bro*!

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Lenin in Warsaw
A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

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nsfw Wife's New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

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Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.
Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

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My wife was dying...
I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

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What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?
When you're having sex a hooker says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

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What do you call a man that as sex with his 9 year old wife?
The holiest Prophet of Islam.

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Hot and Cold
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine..Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem..He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"

"Oh, that crazy old bastard" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January,and the second time is in August."

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A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...
He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."

Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"

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I think my wife might be dead...
...my sex life is the same but the dishes are piling up.

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When my wife and I got married,
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.

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An elderly man walks into a confessional
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grand children, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .

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A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them...
A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them. Upon arriving on the alien ship, they were greeted by a male alien and a female alien.

"Do not fear humans, we come with a proposition for you. My wife and I have decided that we would like to have sex with humans, to see what it is like."

So after talking it over for a bit, the man and his wife agreed and were taken into separate rooms. The male alien goes on to tell the wife, "You are in full control here. If you want me to go faster, just push or pull my ears. If you want my dick to get bigger, tap me on the head."

It was the most exhilarating sexual experience the wife ever had, getting exactly what she wanted. After they were done the alien sent the wife down to her house where her husband was waiting.

"How was your experience babe?" she asks.

"It was going great, until that bitch grabbed my ears and started punching me in the head."

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My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life.
A small part of me disagrees.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.
"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

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Five Kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

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2 Guys in a Bar
2 guys in a bar.

John: "I have sex with my wife once a month"

Jack: "We do it twice a week"

John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"

Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"

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I caught my wife having sex with my best friend.
So I rolled up a newspaper and told him he was a bad boy.

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A wife is a sex object...
Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

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After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...
They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

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I think my wife is dead
I mean, the sex is no different, but the dishes keep piling up

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My wife: "vacation sex really is the best!"
Worst postcard I ever received.

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Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car...
She asked me if I could drive :-(


Credit to Legend Rodney Dangerfield

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TOP MONEY JOKES THAT ARE WIFE

Funny jokes about wife spending money on business or holiday activities.

Sex and bread..
A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

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A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who's lying on the floor, Have you seen me rob this bank?
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who's lying on the floor, Have you seen me rob this bank?
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Yes, sir, says the customer and gets promptly shot.
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Have you seen me rob this bank? the robber asks another customer.
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Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!

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A blonde was desperate for money...
so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'

The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.

'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.

About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.

The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'

'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'

The man reached into his wallet to pay her.

'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"
I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

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I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

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A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

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A couple are in bed...
Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to."

"What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?"

"I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him."

"Would he use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

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My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

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A man goes to church
And tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."

The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"

The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."

The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the donation pan."

The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated "You didn't put $100 in the pan!"

The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."

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I don't get the point of a lap dance
If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me why I have no fucking money in there.

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A man says to his wife "I bet you $100 you can't say something to make me happy and sad at the same time"...
The wife thinks for a moment, responds "Of all your friends. You have the biggest dick" and grabs the money.

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Typical Men
There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on me so that you might love me more".
The second woman went out and spent her money on expensive gifts for the man. She came back and said "I bought these gifts for you to show how selfless i am and that you might love me more".
The man was impressed.
The third woman took the money to the stock market and doubled the money she had. She then put the money in a joint account between her and the man. She returned to the man and said, "I have increased the money you have given me and placed it in a joint account so that you might love me more" The man was very impressed.
The man then married the woman with the biggest boobs.

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A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table...
A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If my son takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.


The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.


"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

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"What would you like?" asks the bartender.
"What would I like?!" replies Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife!"

"No, no!" says the bartender patiently. "I meant, what do you want?"

"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"

"What's it to be!?" says the bartender, less patiently.

"A boy or a girl, I don't care."

"You misunderstand me!" says the bartender impatiently. "I only asked what you want to drink."

"Oh." says Bob. "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"

"Nothing at all." says the bartender. "I'm perfectly healthy."

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A man comes home to find his wife's suitcase packed. NSFW
He asks her, "Where are you going?"

She says, "Las Vegas, I heard I can make 300 bucks for giving blowjobs, so I figured I could make some money doing what I do for you for free."

The husband chuckles and starts to pack his suitcase, and his wife asks what he's doing.

He says, "Coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $600 a year."

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Two straight guys and a gay guy went on a cruise.....
.......with their significant others. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny."

Then came the second straight guy."Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

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I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there's no money in there.

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Husband to wife: Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?
Wife: I'd divorce you and take half the money
Husband: Well I won $10, here's your 5, now fuck off!

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My wife doesn't know it,
but every time we have sex I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.

So far she's getting a McChicken

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A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and
informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

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A husband leaves his money in the attic...
His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

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An dying man's last wish...
An elderly man on his death bed tells his wife "Honey, I want you to promise me that when I go you will put all my money in the casket with me." Reluctantly, his wife agrees and assures him she will uphold her promise.

After the funeral, the women tells her friend about her husband's odd request - "You know, he made me swear to bury all our money with him". The friend replies, "That's crazy! I can't believe you would actually do that". And the elderly woman says "Don't worry...I wrote him a check".

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Jew praying to god
A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God to improve his life.

God is very pleased with his prayer, and grants him one wish, just one!

The Jew says OK God, thanks, my one and only wish is - 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting one hundred million dollars worth of diamonds around the neck of each of my 5 children, in my Rolls Royce parked next to our 2 Ferraris and 2 Lamborghinis near the enclosed heated Olympic sized swimming pool of our new 50,000 sq.ft. bungalow in our 50 acre property in Beverly Hills.'

God: Damn it! I still have a lot to learn from these Jews!

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I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there's no fucking money in there.

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A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

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A man has a Β£50 note tattooed on his willy
His wife says to him "Why have you done that!?" He replies "For one, I like to see my money grow; two, I like to play with my money; thrid, I like to have money in my hand and finally the next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it.

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Lawyer joke(Not sure if repost)
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

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This actually just happened...
*Wife: I wanna get into coding.

*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?

*Wife: English. Duh!

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caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.
I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.

Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.

At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also..'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place..

The grass is almost a foot high.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.
I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where are you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Or What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A car
A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".

All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

nagging wife
A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost Β£5000 to ship her home or Β£50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mattress and Panties
Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.

He toiled hard and eventually made some money. One day he decided to write a letter to his wife:

"Dear Wife, I am sorry that you and others have to endure my absence. I made Β£10,000 selling 100 mattresses and 1000 panties. Very soon I'll come back and we will live the life we always dreamed of."

The letter gets to Ahmed's father first and his father wrote back:

"Dear Son, Come back now. Your wife has made Β£100,000 with a single mattress and no panties."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.
With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...
She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks in on his wife having cybersex
Husband: What the hell are you doing?!

Wife: I'm sorry but I needed the money and I get paid $250/hour doing this!

Husband: How could you do this to me?! Why didn't you tell me?!

Wife: I'm sorry, I was afraid that you'd be mad, mad like you are now!

Husband: Of course I'm mad! You just left me to slave away at my job when all this time I could've been making $250/hour.

*The wife fainted*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy asks for a tattoo on his........
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his private parts. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.


He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Golf Panties
Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.

"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb......Tidy yerself up a bit."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

DRIVER WITH LUCK
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

$100 Tattoo
A husband comes home late one night.

His wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."

"What the fuck were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"

"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. Third, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room...
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.
But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Winning the lottery 2.
A man says to his wife. "Honey I won money in the lottery". The wife quickly says. "I want 50% of it and I want to divorce you". The man looks at her surprised and says. "Good, here is your $7.50 and get the fuck out of here".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass.
He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My 87 year old grandfather told me this last night
A newly married couple was having extreme financial difficulties. Finally the husband said "honey I'm sorry, but there's nothing else we can do. I'm going to have to put you on the street corner." He drops his wife off around 2:00am and picks her up the next morning.

When he asked her how much money she made she replied "$110.25." He said "Who's the cheap bastard that only gave you a quarter!?"

She said "why, all of them did."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blond woman goes around a rich neighbourhood looking for work...
A blond goes around a rich neighbourhood, looking for jobs to make some quick money. She goes up to one of the houses front doors, and asks the man who answered the door if he needs any painting done. He asks if she could paint his porch. She agrees, and tells him it will cost $50 do do. The man goes back inside, and tells his wife that the woman is painting his porch for $50. The wife, surprised resonds but the porch goes all around the entire house. $50 isn't near what we should be paying to get it painted." The man dismisses this, and 15 minutes later, the woman knocks on his door, saying she is done, and even did a second coat. The man, amazed, asks her how she got done so quickly, to which she responds its not *that* big. And by the way, it's not a Porsche, it a Ferrari"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Harry's wife lets him go to the strip club for his b-day...
For being faithful to her and bieng a good husband. When they enter the club, A hooker comes over to Harry and says,

"Hey Harry, You want the usual?"

When his wife asks, Harry says that it is a co-worker, who must be working for extra money.

Later on they are approached by another hooker, again asking Harry if he wants his usual lap dance. Harry tells his wife that she must've mistaken him for a different Harry. The head for the bar, and the Barman says,

"Howdy, Harry! Vodka Martini, same as always?"

At last Harry's wife storms out of the bar in disgust, Harry following and trying to explain. Outside the club, the Doorman says,

"Bloody hell, Harry! You sure have picked up an ugly one this time!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The lottery
Husband: "Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?"

Wife: "I would take half the money and get my ass out of here!"

Husband: "Very good. I won $12, here is $6, now go pack your bags."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school
So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Right and Wrong
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.

Man started sobbing and said, "bro, you take anything you want. You can kill me if you want to. But please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: Man, you really love your wife!!

Man: No, mine will arrive shortly"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is out drinking with his friends....
...and gets so drunk he thows up all over his shirt. He starts freaking out and says that his wife is going to be pissed that he got so drunk. His friend tells him to put a $10 bill in his front pocket and tell his wife that someone threw up on him and gave him the money to get it cleaned. When his gets home, his wife sees how messy he is and starts yelling at him. He tells her the story and points to his front pocket. His wife grabs the money and asks "then why is there $20 in here?" The man explains "he shit in my pants too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man sees a millionaire he recognizes on the street.
The man goes up to the millionaire and says, "Sir, I have been working hard for so long and I still don't have much money, will you please tell me your secret to becoming a millionaire?"

The millionaire pauses for a moment and responds, "my wife."

The man was taken aback. "What were you before you met her?"

The millionaire sadly responded, "a billionaire."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man loses everything by gambling
A man loses everything by gambling so he decides to go throw himself off a bridge. As he's about to jump, Santa Claus holds his hand and tells him, "Son, I know you lost all your money, house, cars, wife and kids because of gambling. Come suck my dick and I will give everything back to you." The man contemplates for a few seconds and realizes he has nothing left to lose and agrees. After he's done he asks santa when he'll get everything back and santa asks him, "Son, how old are you?"

"55" replies the man.

"55 years old and you still believe in Santa Claus? "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.
She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem...
when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost Β£5000 to ship her home or Β£50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There were some monks in a monastery...
...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

tattoo of a $100 bil
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A married couple, down on their luck, decides to make some money by having the wife work down on the corner.
After the first day the husband picks her up and asks how she did. "Pretty good," she said, "I made $250.50"

"What asshole gave you $0.50?" He asked.

"All of them."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband and wife are discussing how to . . .
stretch their money while the husband, who was recently laid off, looks for new work.

"You know, honey, if you learned how to cook, we could fire the maid" the husband says to the wife.

The wife retorts, "You know, honey, if you learned how to fu(k, we could fire the gardener."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I collect coins and old paper money. For our anniversary, my wife surprised me with a $1,000 bill!
Unfortunately, it was from Fendi, for a pair of shoes.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman walks into a pet shop...
looking for a Birthday present for her husband.Not wanting to spend much money the assistant recommended a large bullfrog trained to give blow jobs.

The wife purchased the bullfrog thinking to herself that she would be off the hook regarding doing blowjobs for her husband.

That night as she lay asleep in bed she was woken by the loud sound of pots and pans being thrown about the kitchen.She went downstairs to find her husband and the frog studying cookery books.

"What are you doing at this hour of the morning" she asked.

Her husband replied" Well if I can teach this frog to cook,you're gone!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Son asks his father...
Youngest Son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?

Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million?

Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity.

Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 Million?

Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy!

Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom cruise for 1 million?

Elder Son: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!

Father turns to his younger son: You see son 'Hypothetically' we are sitting with 3 millionaires, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 sluts & 1 gay cocksucker.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and his wife are running out of money
A man and his wife are running out of money. Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.

The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05"

The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Since I started stealing money from my wife to pay for prostitutes, my friends have started calling me Robin Hood .
Stealing from the bitch and giving to the whore.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.
You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, it's just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.
That I married you only for your money.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three men go to heaven...
They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too much over God, you even found a wife named Penny, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The third man turns to his wife and says "Fanny, I think we're in trouble."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a man tattoos a picture of a $100 bill on his penis...
When asked why he would do such a thing, he responded with 3 reasons:

1. I like to play with my money.

2. I like to watch my money grow.

3. Whenever my wife feels like blowing $100, I have the perfect solution.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Married for money...
Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn naked?
Wife: That I married you for your money!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money
She'd spend it on a handbag

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Police officer pulled over a driver
and informs him that he has just won $1000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk." The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school.
So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A rich couple lost all their money and was trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes.
The husband says to the wife if you learn to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper

She laughed and replied if you learned to please me in bed, we could get rid of the gardener

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife and i need a vacation.
So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have sex we put $20 in a jar, at the end of the year we use the moeny to pay for a trip. A year goes by and we decide to count the money.. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then i ask her i thought we agreed to only put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!!!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A trucker walks into a whore house...
A trucker walks into a whore house and walks over to speak to madam. The trucker says "I will give you $500 for your nastiest whore and a bologna sandwich." The madam, confused, replies "For $500 you could have our best whore and a steak dinner"...the trucker laughs a little and says "Oh, it's not about the money, ma'am, I just miss my wife."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So there's a guy at the bar. Wasted and crying....
The bartender comes up to him and asks what's wrong. "I'm so wasted I just threw up all over myself! My wife said she would leave if I didn't quit drinking and when I get home, I'm done." The bartender says "I can help. Put a $20 in you coat pocket. Tell her you only had one beer, but a drunk idiot threw up on you and gave you the money to clean your suit. Crisis averted!" The guy says "ok" and goes home. Needless to say his wife was livid. He said "Honey, I'm not drunk, I only had one beer, but this drunk idiot threw up all over me, and gave me this $20 to dry clean the suit!" She said but this is a fifty!" He said "Oh, and I think he shit my pants too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man has 3 women before him that want to be his wife,
So he gives each of them $5,000, and tells them to do whatever they want with it. "What you choose to do shall determine which one of you I marry" he says.

The first woman takes all of her $5,000 and spends it all on clothing, jewelry, lavish spa treatments and the like.

The second woman gives all $5,000 back to her male suitor and says "I don't need money as long as I have you."

The third woman takes her share, invests it in a lucrative series of stock portfolios, and hands him $5,000 in interest in two weeks' time.














In the end, after careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are you wasting money on drinking ?
Wife:Why are you wasting money on drinking ?

Husband : Why are you wasting money on Beauty Parlors ?

Wife: It is for you only, so that I can look beautiful to you.

Husband : I am also drinking just for you , so that you look beautiful to me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband and wife are arguing...
"What would you do if I won the lottery?" he demands.

"I'd take half the money and be gone so fast you'd be dizzy," she replies.

"My scratch ticket won ten bucks. Here's five. Let me get the door."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife reckons my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.
I wonder how much dirty money the Russian government paid her to say that?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Rodney Dangerfield joke
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike.

She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blowjobs For Money
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm never allowed to spend money on myself
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spentΒ Β Β another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn'tΒ  thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!Β Β Β Women, I can't figure them out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old couple at the carnival
An elderly couple John, and Janice go to the carnvail where John spots a helicopter ride.

He runs over and says to his wife "Janice I've always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and look its only ten dollars".

Janice then says "John why would we pay money to go on a ride ten dollars is ten dollars". They end up not riding and finish up walking around the carnival until they go home.

A year later when the carnival comes back they go again and John sees the helicopter ride again and runs over to it.

He says to Janice "honey I've wanted to go on this helicopter ride for a while now can we just go"?

Janice says to him "John I'll tell you the same I told you last year, ten dollars is ten dollars".

This happens a few more years until the pilot is tired of them bickering about it and comes up with a solution.

He says to John and Janice "I'll take you both up for free but the catch is, if anyone of you talk I'll charge ten dollars".

Satisfied with the compromise Janice agrees, so they go up and the pilot is trying every maneuver possible to try to get them to scream or talk, but without fail neither talk.

When they land the pilot sees Janice is no longer in the helicopter and asks John "what happened to Janice"? John then exclaims "she fell out about 5 minutes into the ride ". "well why didn't you say anything"? Asks the pilot.

And without missing a beat John says "well ten dollars is ten dollars".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Youngest Son: Dad,whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?
Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom
cruise for 1 million?
.
Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an
opportunity
.
Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with
Tom cruise for 1 Million?
.
Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy
.
Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom
cruise for 1 million?
.
Elder Son: Why not ? Imagine what I could do
with that money!
.
Father turns to his younger son: You see son,
'Hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionares
but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes & 1 gay Bastard !

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife is divorcing me
My wife is divorcing me because I gave a lot of money to Charity. While I see Charity as happiness for my body and soul, my wife sees her just as a whore.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and his ever-nagging wife went to Jerusalem...
but while they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150 or have her shipped home for $5,000." The man thought about it for a moment and then decided to have his deceased wife shipped home.
"Why spend so much more money to have her sent home when you can just have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?"

The man replied, "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here but arose from the dead three days later. I just can't take that risk."

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Difference between hypothetically & reality
Youngest son: "Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?"

Dad turns to his wife: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for $1 million?"

Wife:"Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity."

Then dad asks his daughter:"Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for $1 million?"

Daughter:"Yes he's my fantasy!"

Elder Son:"Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!"

Father turns to his younger son; "you see son 'hypothetically" we're sitting with 3 millionaires but in 'reality' we are living with two prostitutes and one gay guy!

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A police officer pulls over a driver...
and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

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A man is walking down the Vegas strip...
...and he is approached by guy in a threadbare suit, who says, "Please, mister, I really need your help. My wife, she needs an operation, and I was just told today, if she doesn't get it, she's going to die! My dear wife, the love of my life, might die! Please, anything you can give me would help. Anything at all."

The man says "C'mon, man, look around you. How do I know you're not going to take anything I give you and gamble with it?"

The panhandler says, "Oh, I ***got*** gambling money."

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A middle aged couple had gotten their tax return . . .
and they were arguing over how to spend it. The husband wanted to spend it on a new set of golf clubs, while the wife insisted they use it to buy a new dishwasher. Seeing they were getting nowhere, the husband suggested, "All right, let's make a bet. Whoever has the hairiest chest gets the money. Deal?"
"Deal!" said the wife. She then promptly lifted her skirt, removed her panties and said smugly, "I win!"
"That's not a chest!" insisted the husband.
"Oh no?" said the wife. "Before we got married it was your hope chest. Since we've been married you've used is for your tool chest. And if I don't get that dishwasher, it's going to be a community chest!"

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This is true story.
A man and his soon to be ex-wife are in court arguing over why they deserve more money than other.

The wife tells the judge "He's verbally abusive, he has called me a skank, a slut, and a whore!"

The husband responds with "Hold on a minute! I have never called her a whore, whore's make money and I dont remember seeing any income from her."

The judge couldn't hold back a slight laugh.

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An old man found a box in his attic.
Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."

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TOP WORK JOKES THAT ARE WIFE

Funny jokes about wives at work doing crazy stuff.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."


I responded, "How about now?"

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A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

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Sex and bread..
A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.
I said, It's for sound effects during sex.


He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?


I replied, No, I work in a morgue.

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Husband asked his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"
She replied "because I don't like calling you at work."

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When my wife left, I was sad and lonely
So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

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Blonde guy gets home from work...
Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:

"Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!"

He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.

"WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

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I asked my wife Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said I don't like calling you at work.

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A man cheats with his wife's sister
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

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$400a night
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

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A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?

The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on

Wife: thats not a clock

Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

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The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

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Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

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Is sex work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work .
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

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Bill Gates wakes up one morning...
...goes downstairs and is shocked to see his two polish housekeepers are nowhere to be seen.

He yells for his wife "Honey, where the hell have the maids gone?"

"Oh, Steve Jobs knocked on the door this morning" Replied his wife. "He offered both the house keepers twice what you're paying them to come and work for him, they couldn't pass the offer up!"

Furious, Bill slams his fists down on the table "Fucking Jobs!" he screams "Coming over here and taking our immigrants!"

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Man's wife is in a coma
A woman was in a coma being cared for by the Intensive Care nursing staff who noticed a little reaction on the vital -signs monitor as they washed between her legs during a sponge bath.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement on the monitor.

As soon as they realised what had happened they went straight to her husband and told him: This may not work, but, maybe some oral sex could bring your wife out of the coma.

The husband remained skeptical, but he finally let himself be convinced.

The nurses took him to his wife's room and explained that they would leave them alone so they could have more privacy, but would be checking her vitals in the other room for any reaction.

After a few minutes the monitor's alarm goes off and she flatlines –no pulse, no heartbeat, nothing!

The nurses run into the room desperate to help the woman and see what went wrong, asking the husband, what happened?!?

He replied: I don't know… I think she choked…

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A man comes home from a long day at work and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
"I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!" She replied. "Well" He said "I just won 2 bucks on a scratch off. Here's a dollar, now get the fuck out."

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Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.
He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely proud of himself and thought his wife would be happy with him for saving money.

Instead his wife screams, "Β Ben-zona! Why didn't you run behind a taxi, and save $15?!"

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Before it starts...
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started!

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Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm...
She said "I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work."

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Chinese Sick Day
Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms. [NSFW]
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.

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I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife.
But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife.

"She works at Walmart", I said.

He just shook his head, got up, and left. Just like that. I wasn't there, but people say he grabbed her by the throat and started choking her. It wasn't long before a security guard rushed over. Arty was so big he grabbed both of them. One neck per hand. And killed them both.

It's hard to believe but it's true. They even ran a story about it in the local paper. "Arty chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart".

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Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

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My wife hates me for having sex with her sister
I got home the other day from work and my wife says "you fucking son of a bitch" and asked what I had done.

Wife: You had sex with my sister you asshole!

Me: Look honey I got into my office in work and there she was lying naked on the table, what should I have done?

Wife: The autopsy

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My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.
"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.

"Why?" I frowned.

"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"

"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.

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True friendship
This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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Chinese man calls in sick
Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.
I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

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I phoned my wife...
...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"

She had just grunted down the phone.

I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins

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A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.

She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"

He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"

"Perform the autopsy."

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I work in retail, a married man made me laugh
Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

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A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"


Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

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When my wife left I was sad upset and lonely
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink .



She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

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Olympic Condoms
A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"

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My wife is mad at me...
W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"

M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"

W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"

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The exterminator
A man comes home from work early while his wife's lover is visiting. When she hears his car pulling up, she tells her lover "quick, go hide in the bathroom!" When husband comes into the bedroom, he sees that his wife is in bed, naked. Before he can react, she says "I've been waiting for you..." The husband gets excited and heads into the bathroom for a quick wash up, and finds a naked man jumping around, clapping randomly at the air.

"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm the exterminator. Your wife called me to take care of your moth problem."
"But you're completely naked!"


The man looks down, then back up at the husband
"Those bastards!!"

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A womans husband worked at a Pickle Factory...
One day, her husband comes home and says, "Dear, for years at work I have had the powerful urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer. Every day, when I walk past the pickle slicer, I get the compulsion to just stick it in. Well, today, I gave in and shoved my dick in the pickle slicer right there on the work floor."

The wife gasps, "Oh my God! What happened?"




"She and I both got fired."

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The Dentist
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist,
Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself,
My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.

So the dentist asked him,
Which tooth is it, sir?

The man turned to his wife and said,
"Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

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0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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A guy walks into a bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."
The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."

The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?"

The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."

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A man come home from work one day...
... and asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"

The wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one chug.

He asks his wife again "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"

Again, the wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one go.

Once more he asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"

At that point the wife says "Are you sure you want another beer? Isn't two enough for the evening?"

The man replies: "aaaand it started."

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two guys are at work and one says to the other
i had the worst freudian slip the other day..i was at the train station and the woman behind the ticket counter had these massive tits and i meant to say 'could i please have two tickets to pittsburgh,' but ended up saying 'could i please have two pickets to tittsburg' and the other guy laughs and says yeah i did something like that the other day – my wife and i were eating breakfast and i meant to say 'honey could you please pass the butter,' but what i ended up saying was 'you ruined my life you fucking bitch'

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Called my wife the other day from work: BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS
Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

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A man asks his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"
She said "I don't like to call you at work".

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A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...
"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

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Paybacktime

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

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Helping a friend.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced at 7.30 pm after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
Wife: The dishes are not done, the house is a mess, there is no grocery and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?
Husband: Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!

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My wife called me at work today.
"Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?"

"Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche."

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Yesterday while working I saw a gigantic funeral precession...
There were two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog, followed by hundreds of men.

I take a break from work and say to the man walking the dog " excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but do you mind telling me what happened?"

The man replies:
"A couple of weeks ago I bought this dog for my wife. Last week it turned on her and killed her. During the attack my mother in law tried to pull the dog off of her daughter and ended up dying as well"

I say : " sir can I borrow you dog?"

He replies : "Get in line "

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My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

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A man gets home from work one day to find his wife is gone.
He walks in the kitchen to find a note on the fridge that reads, "This isn't working, I've packed my bags and left for my mother's." Confused, the man opens the fridge and thinks to himself, "Well, the light's on and the beer is cold. What the hell was she talking about?"

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Tug it
A couple is laying in bed. The man turns to his wife and says "Honey, I think we should work out a system to determine whether you want to have sex. On any given night, reach over, and grab my cock. If you want to have sex, give it a tug. And if you don't want to have sex, tug it 100 times."

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So, this guy works at a pickle factory...
...and one day when he comes home from work, his wife can immediately tell something is wrong. "What's the matter?" she asks. "Well," says the husband, "Lately, at work, I've been having bad thoughts... really bad. I feel compelled to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." "That's horrible!" shouts his wife, "What's wrong with you?! You need therapy!" "You might be right," says the husband.

So, he starts going to therapy, and things seem to be going well for while. But, then one day he comes home from work and his wife can see on his face that he's been crying. "No!" she cries, "Tell me you didn't do it!" "I sorry, honey" her husband sobs, "I couldn't help myself. I did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer!" "So, what happened?!" asks his wife. "Well, I got fired." says the husband. "No!" his wife yells, "What happened with the pickle slicer?!" "Oh," says her husband, "Well, she got fired too."

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A man and his wife built a boat...
They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately.

They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*.

"We're really not very good at this," the man said in disgust. "How do boats even work?"

"I don't know, but we'll figure it out," replied his wife. "We need an *ELI5*."

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Pickle Slicer
A guy comes home from work and tells his wife that he was fired. Wife asks why? Husband says he got caught sticking his dick in the pickle slicer. Wife panicked - asked to look at his penis. Penis looked good, didn't have a cut on it. Puzzled, the wife asks, 'What happened to the pickle slicer?'

The husband looks up and says,
'She got fired as well'.

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A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"

"That would suit me just fine!!!"

Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..

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I don't understand women...
I woke up this morning and asked my wife, "what's wrong", and she said, "nothing".

At breakfast I asked her "what's wrong" and she said, "nothing". I asked her again on the way out of the house, phoned her on the way to work, called her every half hour at work, met her for lunch and asked her again, phoned her in the afternoon and pulled her out of an important meeting, and all she could say was, "nothing".

We arrived home from work and I asked her what's wrong, and she said, "NOTHING!"

I was like, "WOAH, fucking hell, calm down... What's wrong?"

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unemployed
Guy works in the pickle factory, comes home after work and tells his wife, "Bad news, honey. I've been fired".

"What? Why? What happened?"

"Well, I've always wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer and, well, today I finally did it."

"My god, no! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"What about the pickle slicer?"

"They fired her, too."

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A man comes home from work...
..., sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She gives him his beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She does.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'
The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'

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I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

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New Earring
John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".

"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.

"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"

... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

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A man and wife are in bed one night
when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Bleary eyed, the man staggers down the stairs mumbling profanities and opens the front door to see an old man.

"Im sorry to have woken you up but i was wondering if you can help me by giving me a bit of a push?"
"what??" Replied the man, "you woke me ip at two in the morning for that? Get lost. I have work in the morning"
He slams the door and marches back upstairs. As he gets into bed his wife enquires as to who was at the door.

"Oh, some old fella wanting a push. At this time of night" he snapped.

"And you didn't help him?" His wife asked, "What if it were me and our car broke down. Do you think you'd be happy knowing someone couldn't be bothered to help me? I think you should go out there and help him right now"

"Oh alright" he muttered. He put on his housecoat and the nearest pair of shoes and went back downstairs to see if the man was still there.

Upon getting outside, he couldn't see the man or his car anywhere.
"Hello!? Are you still there?" He shouted.

"Im over here" a voice called out. "on the swings"

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My wife left me...
When my wife left me, it hurt. I was so upset and lonely.

Since then, I've got a dog, purchased a new motorcycle, had sex with two beautiful women, and spent thousands of dollars on alcohol and drugs.

She'll go fucking nuts when she gets home from work.

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A guy is in a bar looking slightly worse for wear... (NSFW)
...and the barman notices he looks pretty down and has been drinking quite heavily that night so he decides to ask him what's up.

The guy answers, "Well, I got home from work today to find my wife fucking my best friend."

"Shit, I'm sorry to hear that," says the barman, "that's terrible. What did you do?"

"I told my wife it was over, that I was going out for a couple of hours and when I get back she better be gone because I never want to see her again."

"Fuck," says the barman, sympathetically. "And what did you say to your best friend?"

"Bad dog!"

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Police calls man at work
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says,
I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!

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I came home from work with a bouquet of roses.
My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, "Have you done something wrong?"

I said, "...Yes."

She said, "What is it?"

I said, "Bought an ungrateful bitch flowers."

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Fish and chips
I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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After sex one night a husband and wife are talking in bed. The husband asks, "Why don't you ever tell me when you're having an orgasm?"
"Because you ask me not to call you while you're at work unless it's an emergency"

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My doctor told me to ejaculate in a jar and bring it in the next day...
So I come back the next day with an empty jar. "What happened?" The doctor asked.

"Well," I reply. "I tried with my right hand, then my left hand, but it didn't work. So my wife tried with her left hand, then her right hand, then her mouth, but it didn't work. So then my neighbor tried with her right hand, then her left hand, then in between her legs, but it STILL didn't work!"

"You asked your neighbor?!?" The doctor exclaimed.

"Yea, I couldn't get the jar open."

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"What do I look like?"
A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife.
"Honey, my car got a flat, can you fix it for me?"
"What do I look like", He asks "The michelin tire guy? Get me a beer." And goes and watches TV/

The next day his wife greets him again after work.
"Honey, the dishwasher is on the fritz. Can you take a look at it?" She asks.
"What do I look like? The Maytag repair guy?" He asks roughly. "Get me a beer." And goes to watch TV.

The third day the man comes home and his wife greets him.
"Honey, it's the greatest thing. John from next door came over and fixed the dishwasher AND my flat tire. All I had to do was bake him a cake or sleep with him." She tells him.
"Oh, what kind of cake did you bake?" The husband asks.
The wife replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

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A man comes home from work to see his wife packing her things.....
"What are you doing?", the man asks.
"I'm leaving you", the woman replies. "I just found out that I can make fifty dollars in Las Vegas for what I've been doing for you for free".
The man stands in silence for a moment and then leaves the room.
The wife, puzzled, follows him to the other room to find him packing his things.
"What are you doing?", the wife asks.
The man answers, "I'm coming with you. I gotta see how you're going to live off fifty dollars a month".

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Husband get back home from work asks wife
**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"

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A man calls in sick for work...
He tells his boss he can't come in because of an awful headache.

The boss says to him, "I can't let you have today off. You need to come in. You know what I do when I have a headache? I grab my wife, throw her on the bed, and have sex with her, no questions asked. Do that, feel better, and get your butt to work."

The employee calls back 30 min later and says, "you were right! I feel much better. Nice house btw..."

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Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me".
Wife: What did he say?

Bob: You're fired

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This guy's wife gets a cat...
This guy's wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there on the front porch.

So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there again on the front porch.

Well, the guy's furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can't figure out where he is.

So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It's her husband. He asks, "Is the cat there?"

She says, "Yes."

The guy says, "I'm lost. Put the cat on the phone."

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Hung Chow Calls into work and says "Hey boss, I no come into work today, I really Sick...
I got Headache, stomachache, and my legs hurt. I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and i go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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A guy says to his wife "why don't you ever tell me when you orgasm?"
She replies, "I don't like ringing you at work."

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I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?" "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

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My wife wanted bigger breasts. I told her to rub toilet paper between them and over time they'll grow huge. She asked, "How do you know it will work?"
"It worked for your ass didn't it?!"

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pickle slicer
a man was laying in bed next to his wife. he turns to her and says "honey, recently at work ive had an uncontrollable urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer". the wife was shocked and promised to make an appointment the next day with a shrink. the husband comes home the next day and says "sorry honey, i couldnt help myself. i stuck my penis in the pickle slicer". the wife was shocked and said "oh my god! what happened?" he replied "I got fired" and she said "no, what happened with the pickle slicer?" and he said "she got fired too"

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My favorite joke from The Sopranos
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."

Credit to Uncle Jun.

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My wife texted me while I was at work this cold winter morning, "Windows frozen."
I texted back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

She replied, "Computer completely fucked now."

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An old man is in his Volvo driving home from work...
... when his wife rings him on his cellphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now; some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

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Going to Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

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Midnight Surprise!
A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

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True Friendship
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.

"My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie
"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

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A husband and wife see two people kissing.
The wife says, He kisses her every time she comes home from work. Why can't you do that?

The husband says, I would love to, but I don't know her well enough.

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My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.
He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"

"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.

"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

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My grandpa's favorite joke
This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

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A wife screams at her husband
Wife: "How could you screw me over like this?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my Niece, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

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I called my wife and said that I'll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.
I think she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

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I walked in from work today and my wife was
sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"

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She left me a note...
I will never understand my wife, she is so sensitive.
I come home from work last night and she'd left a note on the fridge...

"It's no good Harry, it's just not working. I am going to stay at my mums for a few days."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was stone cold.
What the fuck?

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BEFORE IT STARTS
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob." The man sighs and says, "It's started…"

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Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where are you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

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Or What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

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CONCLUSION

Best of 385 Hilarious Wife Jokes Ever. Funniest wife one liners along with jokes about marriage, dirty sex and disgusting black humor.

You've read some of the best wife jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty wife gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in January 2020.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these wife jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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