Wife Jokes
172 wife jokes and hilarious wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Take a break and lighten the mood by reading some hilarious wife jokes about divorce, morning daughter, and finally. Enjoy some of the funniest jokes about marriage and laugh until your sides hurt.
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Funniest Wife Short Jokes
Short wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wife humour may include short daughter jokes also.
- I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
- My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea. - My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
- Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June - A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far! I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day! - Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
- My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
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Wife One Liners
Which wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wife? I can suggest the ones about spouse and maid.
- My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.
- Wife: I'm pregnant. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not. - What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
- TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway Whoops, wrong sub.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
- Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
- My son identifies as a crescent moon. I'm worried, but my wife says it's just a phase.
- What do you call a hippies' wife? Mississippi
- The wife caught me cross-dressing So I packed her things and left
- My wife left me because of my gambling addiction But I know I can win her back
- My wife asked if I could stop singing 'Wonderwall' I said maybe
- My wife and I have decided we don't want children We plan on telling them after supper
- My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta And now I'm cannelloni
- is my wife ashamed of my body? a tiny part of me says yes.
My Wife Jokes
Here is a list of funny my wife jokes and even better my wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weigh 7lbs 12 oz
- My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
- My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
- My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new. Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
- My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
- I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It's laundry day.
- My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
- When my dentist reminded me about my wife's sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
- My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it. I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
Man Wife Jokes
Here is a list of funny man wife jokes and even better man wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
- A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..." - My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"? I said "No man, that would just make us even."
- A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin" The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed - The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
- A married's man prayer Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.
You gave me youth and you took it away.
You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you. - A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine
- American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow" - Two married man talking.. 1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.
Man And Wife Jokes
Here is a list of funny man and wife jokes and even better man and wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!" The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"
Husband: our wedding video - A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said 'it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck' I said 'I know'
- Wife comes home from work. Wife: I left my job today, I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
Husband: So what did he say.?
Wife: "Katy, you are fired." - Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?" Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
- In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math. Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too.
- Two drunk friends were talking in a bar. Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday. - My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her… …but I just love him more…
- My wife was shocked when she found out I was homosexual But imagine my shock when just prior I found out she wasn't a man.
- A man, his sister and his wife walk into the voting booth to vote for Donald Trump. They've both given it a lot of thought.
- A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night... He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."
Wife And Husband Jokes
Here is a list of funny wife and husband jokes and even better wife and husband puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
- I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not - Just a Dad Joke Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife:No you're not - Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh - Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
- Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" Husband: "The good news."
Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly." - A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times. She said her arm got tired.
- Wife: Am I the only one you've ever slept with? Husband: Yes. The others were sixes and sevens.
- A wife says to her husband ... "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back"
Husband say "Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair" - Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
Comical Wife Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hubby jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wife pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a b**... convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask
Whoops, wrong sub
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."
I responded, "How about now?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a b**...?
The b**.... You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having s**... with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We were having s**... the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife told me: "s**... is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
Donald Trump is the next President but...
The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
A man brings home flowers to his wife
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"
"I'm not coming in tomorrow"
Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mate asked me why I have s**... noises saved on my phone.
I said, It's for sound effects during s**....
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...
I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"
I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.
I don't know what she charges him for it though.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?
They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me whether I experimented with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.
I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?
You.
I asked my wife, I'm stuck on this crossword clue Overworked Postman — can you help?
She said, Sure. How many letters?
Me: I'm guessing—- Too many.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...
my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:
1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby
An electrician comes home late....
Wife: "Wire you insulate?"
Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I."
My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.
She's Tolkien in her sleep.
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
