wife Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious wife puns

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."



I responded, "How about now?"

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Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

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My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.

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Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

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Husband: I have cheated once

Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.

husband: 1st of Apriii....

Wife: 18th of June

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.


Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

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The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

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What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

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A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

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My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

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The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

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My wife is turning 32 soon...


I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.

What are you talking about? she asked.

I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

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What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.

"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big...

I bet your butt is as big as my grill.

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. Not tonight, says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"


I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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What are the most funny Wife jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Wife? Well, here are the best Wife dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Wife pick up lines to share with friends.

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