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Wife In The Kitchen Jokes

141 wife in the kitchen jokes and hilarious wife in the kitchen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wife in the kitchen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Wife In The Kitchen Short Jokes

Short wife in the kitchen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wife in the kitchen humour may include short woman in the kitchen jokes also.

  1. My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
  2. I can't stand my wife's ideas for our kitchen redesign And I'm not convinced by her counterarguments.
  3. It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub... ...just to ask me what time it is.
  4. My wife walks into the kitchen Me: it sure is muggy outside
    Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you
    *Sips coffee out of bowl*
  5. My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married… She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…
  6. My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.
  7. I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor.. At first I panicked, then remembered that mcdonalds does all day breakfast.
  8. My wife and I are going with Granite countertops for our new kitchen. I don't even like the look of Granite all that much but honestly I just couldn't think of a counter-argument.
  9. I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch". You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.
  10. My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work. She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.

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Wife In The Kitchen One Liners

Which wife in the kitchen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wife in the kitchen? I can suggest the ones about women in kitchen and woman kitchen.

  1. I asked my wife for breakfast in bed... She told me to sleep in the kitchen.
  2. What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
  3. What kitchen appliance is most likely to start a fire? A wife
  4. I told my wife I want my breakfast in bed now I sleep in the kitchen
  5. My wife tried to make antimatter in the kitchen But she ran out of counterspace
  6. My wife told me not to take the kitchen utensils but thats a whisk im willing to take
  7. My wife told me to look at it from her perspective.., So i looked out the kitchen window
  8. My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action. So I expanded the kitchen.
  9. I was finally able to satisfy my wife last night. I let her choose the new kitchen design
  10. Teacher: what's your favorite kitchen utensil? Friend: my wife
  11. my wife said dont steal the kitchen utensils it was a whisk I was willing to take
  12. "What's the most complex thing you can do in your kitchen?" "My wife"
  13. The kitchen staff really helps to make the wife cook meals quicker...
  14. My wife asked me what the female version of a man cave is I told her it's a kitchen
  15. What's the problem when your wife walks out of the kitchen? The chain is too long.

Quirky and Hilarious Wife In The Kitchen Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.

What funny jokes about wife in the kitchen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wife kitchen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wife in the kitchen pranks.

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?
You came home s**... and got that black eye tripping over a chair.
So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?
Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to t**... clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

A man screams at his TV, "No, you idiot! Don't walk into the chapel!"

"Horror movie?" his wife asks from the kitchen.
"No," he replies, "Our wedding video."

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

An older couple is watching tv...

And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"

I got into a fight with my wife and she told me I should try seeing things from her perspective for a change.

so I went into the kitchen and stared out the window while I did some dishes.

A married couple is lying in bed.

The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.

"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Northeast Weather

I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Wife: "Hey s**..., the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."

A Man Walks Into His House With a Sheep Under His Arm...

He finds his wife in the kitchen and says, "This is the pig I've been sleeping with when you're not around."
The wife says, "That's a sheep, not a pig you fool."
The husband says, "I wasn't talking to you."

We had a power outage today...

...and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my phone battery was flat and I couldn't charge it.To top it off it was snowing outside. So I couldn't play golf and I couldn't fish. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power. So does the microwave. So popcorn won't happen.
So I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like such a nice person.

We had a outage at my place this morning...

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.

A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had s**... with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

A Jew is on his deathbed.

Summoning his last strength, he says: "Is my wife Sarah here with me?" And she says "Yes, I am here." He then says :"Are my children here with me?" And they reply "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he smiles and says:"Is my father and siblings here with me?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the Jew lays quietly for a while and replies "Then who is the light on for in the kitchen?"

A man on his death bed

A man on his death bed smells cookies, gets up and walks into his kitchen. He asks his wife if he can have a cookie. The wife tells him to get out of here, those are for the wake

My wife has really been annoying me recently

When are you going to finish painting the kitchen?
When are you going to finish painting the kitchen?
When are you going to finish painting the kitchen?
3 times i've asked her and she still hasn't done it

How do you tell male flies from female flies?

After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!  
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!  
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. 
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A man kills 5 flies...

He walks into the kitchen and tells his wife that 3 of them were male and 2 of them were female. The wife is confused. "How do you know?", she asks him.
"Well, there were 3 on the beer bottle and 2 on the mirror", he replies

The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your f**...!"

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

A guy interviews an elderly couple

During the interview, the old man asks his wife "Sweetheart, could you make me some tea?" The old woman promptly gets up and walks to the kitchen.
The interviewer asks "Wow, after 40 years you still call her sweetheart, that's amazing"
The old man then said "Yea well, don't tell my wife I forgot her name"

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table...

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, She's going through change.

Husband: Guests are coming tonight.

What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.

If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it?

The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?

A long married couple sits in the kitchen.

The wife cooks something, while the husband sits at his table eagerly waiting for his meal. Suddenly the wife soils herself with tomato sauce and turns around to her loved one.
"Well, d**......Look at this, I look like a pig!"
To which the husband responds: "AND you soiled yourself..."
Sounds better in Viennese tongue...but, yeah...

Been really trying to see things from my wife's point of view lately...

Been looking out this kitchen window for hours...

My wife was so sick this morning...

that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

My wife told me she wanted to go somewhere she's never been before.

I told her to try the kitchen.

A wife says to her husband....

"I want you to whishper dirty things in me ear,,
to which the husband replies:
"Kitchen,bathroom,livingroom"...

A sloth goes to a bar to get drunk.

After a long time and a lot of drinks the bartender asks the sloth why he is there.
The sloth replies, "I'm depressed, my wife is leaving me. I bet she's already halfway through the kitchen."

So a sexist man is having s**... with another mans wife...

The husband comes home from work and sees this man drilling his wife on the kitchen counter.
The man says, "Oh hey Paul, I'm just loading the dishwasher!"

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

A man doesn't trust his wife...

He calls her from his work all the time asking where she is. She always tells him that she's in the kitchen preparing food. And so he asks her to turn on the mixer for proof, which she does.
One day he called his son and asked him where his mom is. His son said: "She went out like everyday... and took the mixer with her."

A black guy was holding his eight-month-old baby

A black guy was holding his eight-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured, "mother."
The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

An old Jewish man is dying at home in bed.

His entire family is gathered around him.
Sarah, the man calls for his wife...
Im here dear.
And the kids?
We are all here too dad.
And the grandchildren?
We are all here.
Well, if you are all here then why is the light in the kitchen turned on?

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, c**..., they're for the f**...."

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.
At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.
Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.
At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.
"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."

My wife got hit by a car the other day

I'm still trying to figure out what a car was doing in the kitchen

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

I bought my wife a kitchen mixer for Christmas and she hasn't opened it yet

which is great because I am going to give it to her for Mother's Day.

You are in the kitchen. Which one do you let in first?

On one side of the house outside is the dog barking to be let in, and on the other side is your wife who lost her keys screaming to be let in. Which one do you let in first, and why?
The dog - because at least he will shut up as soon as you let him in

My wife told me she is leaving me if I don't stop stealing her kitchen utensils

But that's a whisk I am willing to take

A husband was sitting next to his wife while she was eating.

He heard his phone's message tone coming from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and read a message from his wife saying "Please bring the salt on your way back."

I kept my wife at home in the kitchen all day today, baking

I hope the police don't look in the oven

Dirty things

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear !
Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room...

My wife asked what I was up to in the kitchen with the fly swatter.,

I said, killing flies
she replies, killed any?
Yes , I said, 3 males & 2 females
Intrigued she asks, how do you know the s**...?
Well, easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone

SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

For Father's Day my wife and kid made me breakfast in bed

I'd have preferred they made it in the kitchen but it's the thought that counts

My wife asked how you could tell if spaghetti was done, so I said throw it against the wall. If it sticks, it's done.

Imagine my surprise when I went into the kitchen to find sauce all over the wall.

My wife told me to stop stealing kitchen utensils.

I ignored her. It's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Unexpected morning s**...:

I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!
Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.

Police officer calls his sergeant

Police Officer: Hey Sgt. We are at a m**... scene where wife stabbed her husband 10 times because he walked into the kitchen while she was mopping.
Sgt: Is suspect in custody!
Police Officer: No sir, the floor is still wet!!

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

A man and woman in bed

"Give me some", man begs.
"No. You've had too much," wife responds.
"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.
"I'm tired of this. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.
Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, grabs a bottle of champagne. He fiddles with the cork and it pops out with a bang.
From the kid's room, an accusing voice comes
"Mom, you shoulda given dad some. See, now he went and shot himself."

2 police officers were called to a domestic a**...,

2 police officers were called to a domestic a**... call. when they got there they had to call for backup. 2 police cars showed up making it 6 officers at the scene,
they called headquarters and spoke to their Captain.
"Captain we have a m**... here"
"what happened?"
"a wife shot and killed her husband for walking on her still wet mopped kitchen floor"
"well, have you arrested her yet?"
"Not yet, the kitchen floor is still wet."

A couple was having a party at their house.

An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

My wife left me because I am paranoid

Oh wait, never mind. She just went to the kitchen to make coffee.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

My wife told me to be more spontaneous and funny...

But she was all screaming and tears, when I banged on the kitchen window dressed in a clown outfit!

This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare through the kitchen window.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

My wife was teaching our children that Barbie and Disney were sexist and misogynistic.

I happen to believe that children learn through examples set by their parents.
So I told my wife to shut her yap and get back in the kitchen.

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"

What do you do when you'r wife is screaming at you in the living room

Shorten the chain from the kitchen

jokes about wife in the kitchen