Wife Birthday Jokes

134 wife birthday jokes and hilarious wife birthday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wife birthday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Wife Birthday Short Jokes

Short wife birthday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wife birthday humour may include short daughter birthday jokes also.

  1. My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
  2. I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
  3. I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing
  4. My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!
  5. I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.
  6. For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted You should have seen her face light up when she opened it
  7. My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday. So I got her a bathroom scale.
  8. My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring". So I bought her nothing.
  9. My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds... I bought her a bathroom scale.
  10. my wife told me i ruined her birthday. l don't know how i did it because i didn't even know it was her birthday.

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Wife Birthday One Liners

Which wife birthday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wife birthday? I can suggest the ones about friend birthday and dad birthday.

  1. How do you remember your wife's birthday? forget it once.
  2. When my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I winked. She bought me eye drops.
  3. What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday? Forget it once
  4. Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday? A: Forget it once !
  5. My wife asked for black caulk for her birthday I can't find it at Lowe's or Home Depot.
  6. My wife asked for a watch for her birthday I told her the stove already has one
  7. Gave my wife the Heimlich maneuver. I'm running out of ideas for birthday gifts.
  8. I gave my wife lipstick for her birthday. Didn't work. Her lips didn't even slow down.
  9. What does a man who has everything get his wife for her birthday? A birthday card.
  10. What's a surefire way to never forget your wife's birthday? Forget it once.
  11. My wife's birthday is today. She's a 10/10
  12. I just told my wife I am getting her a monkey for her birthday. She went bananas.
  13. I bought the wife a new bag for her birthday..... Hoover works a treat now!
  14. The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  15. I threw my wife a surprise b**... party for her birthday. You should have seen her face.

Delightful Fun Wife Birthday Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about wife birthday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mother birthday jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wife birthday pranks.

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

Larry was not a good gift giver.

Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.


Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"b**...!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday

So I took her to a baseball game

Two friends lived in houses across from each each other

One day they were talking and the first friend said: "I'm gonna give you curtains for your birthday"
- "Why curtains?"
- "So I don't have to see you doing your wife all the time"
- "Ah well, I'm gonna give you binoculars for your birthday"
- "Um, why binoculars?"
- "Well, so you can see who's wife I'm doing"

My birthday is coming up, wife agreed to bday s**....

Thankfully she'll be out of town on a business trip so I'll have the house all to myself.

Birthday Gift for Husband

Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"
Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."

Happy Birthday Ray Rice!

I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

A couple of weeks before my wife's birthday she pulls me aside and explains, "For my birthday I would like to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in the driveway."
Well, I stand there thinking for awhile and it hits me! I buy it, have it wrapped with a big bow.
On her birthday she comes out and sees it all wrapped and beautiful. She rips the wrapping off's a scale.
Incidentally, does anyone have a couch for me to c**... on for awhile?

My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her"

That's the last time I buy her an orphan


A husband and wife are shopping when the
wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?
Do you think she would like something electric?"
"Sure," the husband says, "how about a chair?"

A man forgets his wife's birthday...

So his wife says to him "tomorrow I better wake up and there will be something with a bow on it that go from 0-200 in the blink of any eye."
The next day the wife wakes up and in the driveway is a big box with a bow on it. Excitedly she opens the box and much to her surprise all she uncovers is a scale.

A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."

I'm in trouble with my wife. I totally forgot her 'special birthday' that was such a big deal apparently.

Still, everything went fine and it was a healthy baby boy!

I bought my wife a desalination device for her birthday

Oddly enough, she's been real salty about it ever since

It's my wife's birthday soon.

She said she wanted something with diamonds so I got her a deck of cards.

ilove my family...

For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for hers.
For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.
My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…

Wife's Birthday Gift

John: "It's my wife's birthday."
Peter: "What's your gift to her?"
John: "I asked her what she wanted."
Peter: "What did she say?"
John: "Anything, as long as there is a diamond."
Peter: "What did you give her?"
John: "Playing cards."

A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

It's Jim's birthday

Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

I bought my wife a refrigerator for her birthday.

I know it's not the best gift in the world, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Dave was trying to figure out what he would get his wife for her birthday...

Tired of racking his brain, he flat out asked her what she wanted. She replied "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." So he bought her a bathroom scale.
Dave hasn't been heard from or seen since Thursday.

Just got my wife a matching bag and belt set for her birthday.

Let's hope the vacuum cleaner works better now.

For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises.

She really wanted a h**....

My wife asked for a spa day for her birthday

I can't wait till she unwraps it, and I tell her it's pronounced s**....

I was going to cook a surprise Korean meal for my wife's birthday.

But someone let the cat out of the bag.

"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great s**..., anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

A wife's birthday was the next

day and she said to her husband, "Honey, for my birthday I want something that goes from 0-230 in 6 seconds to be in our driveway."
"I'll see what I can do" replied the husband suggestively.
The next morning she ran outside and found a scale in the driveway.

s**... with my wife last night was like my eleventh birthday party.

Nobody came.

My wife said I should get high heels for her birthday.

I'm getting some weird looks as I walk down the street.

So my family and I go past a nursing home...

There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?
She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions

What happened on June 6, 1944?
We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!
What was the turning point of world war 2?
Battle of the bulge, sir!
What's is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought I don't know, sir!
The superior then said Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.

After last night my neighbour finally told me...

... that he can totally hear me and my wife whenever we have s**....
I hope I can find a solution before my birthday comes again.

My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"

It's your sixty second birthday.

Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?

My wife offered to make me some s**... coupons for my birthday.

I asked her if one could be a groupon.

I bought my mother in law a chair for her birthday...

But my wife wouldn't let me plug it in.

I Bought My Wife A b**... For Her Birthday

Wife: Wow! You're so k**..., I can't believe you gave me a s**... toy.
Me: s**... toy?

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday...

"Something expensive, and that I don't need." she replied.
I signed her up for chemotherapy.

My wife got me a mood ring for my birthday turns green when I'm happy and leaves a red mark on her head when I'm mad

A man sees his neighbour across the street, on his balcony.

He says, Hey, when is your birthday?
His neighbour replies with May 17th, why?
The man responds with I'll buy you curtains for your birthday so I don't have to see you have s**... with your wife!
His neighbour then says, When is your birthday, because I'll buy you some glasses. Maybe then you'll be able to see who the wife is!

My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.

For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude

I wanted a new drill for my birthday, so when my wife asked, I told her to get a Black and Decker...

She's due in court next week on a racially-aggravated assault charge.

My wife's is going to turn 32 soon...

I told her not to get too excited for the celebrations... After all, it's going to be a thirty-second birthday.

My wife birthday's coming up and she told me to get something that makes her look s**......

So I bought myself a 18 pack of beer

The wife said she wanted to go and see

the j**... Springer show for her birthday.
So I got her sister pregnant!!
We're on next Wednesday!

My wife suggested that it might be nice if I bought her some flowers for her birthday.

For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.

My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it.

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

My doctor gave me a month to live.

I said, "Well, which month is it? My wife's birthday is in 31 days and I need to know if it's worth buying a present."

For my birthday I wanted something that could go 0-200 in 5 seconds or less. My wife said she had the perfect gift idea

A bathroom scale wasn't what I had in mind

My wife said she wanted to be surprised for her birthday

So I took her sister to Hawaii for a week

I heard a life tip that went; If you're ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.

The cashier wasn't amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.
Oh, I don't know, she said. Just give me something with diamonds.
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She's in for a rude awakening.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?

Bernie, she says. I want a divorce .
My goodness, he says. I wasn't planning on spending that much.

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday

She drops hints to her husband:
"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."
The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.
And that's when the fight started...

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She's in for a rude awakening.

Without telling my wife, I bought a gaming pc for my son as a birthday gift. Check out the specs: Intel Core i7 10700K, MSI MPG Z490 Gaming Carbon WiFi, Nvidia GeForce RTX 2080 Super, G.Skill TridentZ RGB 4x16 DDR4-4000, Samsung 970 Evo 1TB, Corsair RM850x, Cooler Master MasterLiquid ML240R RGB

He is turning one tomorrow.

A couple had been married for 35 years,

the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.

A man can't decide what to get his girlfriend, a florist, for her birthday.

He goes all around town in search for a gift when he discovers a lovely garden of flowers. Because his wife loves flowers, he decides to pick out a lovely bouquet of daisies, roses and dandelions. The garden is empty and lifeless when he leaves that day.
When the day of his girlfriend's birthday arrives he gives her the handpicked bouquet of the flowers. The girl blushes and says Oh, thank you honey! These flowers are so pretty! They almost make me forget that someone destroyed my garden!


A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, I love you .

The husband responds: Is that you or the wine talking.
Wife: This is me, I'm talking to the wine .

Today is Jacob's birthday,

So his wife decided to surprise him, she took him to a s**...-Club House.
At the club -
DOORMAN: Hey Jacob! How are you?
WIFE: How does he know you?
Jacob: We play Golf together!
BARTENDER: The usual beer Jacob?
WIFE: And how does he know you?
Jacob: He's on the Bowling Team!
HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, Jacob?
The Wife storms out...... dragging Jacob with her, into a taxi!
TAXI DRIVER: Hey Jacob boy....You picked an ugly one this time...Same Hotel?
Jacob's f**... will be next Friday at 2pm prompt....

Two friends were talking to each other in a bar...

"I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!", one man proudly exclaimed.

"I thought you said that you were buying her a new car," the other questioned.

"Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?"

jokes about wife birthday