Wife Birthday Jokes
129 wife birthday jokes and hilarious wife birthday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wife birthday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Wife Birthday Short Jokes
Short wife birthday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wife birthday humour may include short daughter birthday jokes also.
- My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
- I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing
- My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!
- my wife told me i ruined her birthday. l don't know how i did it because i didn't even know it was her birthday.
- I bought my mother in law a chair for her birthday... But my wife wouldn't let me plug it in.
- My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?" It's your sixty second birthday.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday... "Something expensive, and that I don't need." she replied.
I signed her up for chemotherapy. - My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game
- My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her" That's the last time I buy her an orphan
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Wife Birthday One Liners
Which wife birthday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wife birthday? I can suggest the ones about friend birthday and dad birthday.
- When my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I winked. She bought me eye drops.
- What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday? Forget it once
- My wife asked for black caulk for her birthday I can't find it at Lowe's or Home Depot.
- My wife asked for a watch for her birthday I told her the stove already has one
- Gave my wife the Heimlich maneuver. I'm running out of ideas for birthday gifts.
- I gave my wife lipstick for her birthday. Didn't work. Her lips didn't even slow down.
- What does a man who has everything get his wife for her birthday? A birthday card.
- My wife's birthday is today. She's a 10/10
- I just told my wife I am getting her a monkey for her birthday. She went bananas.
- s**... with my wife last night was like my eleventh birthday party. Nobody came.
Delightful Fun Wife Birthday Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about wife birthday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mother birthday jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wife birthday pranks.
On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.
He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped."
A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape.
When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!
I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
My daughter learned to count!
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
Wife's birthday gift
Just got one-upped by my coworker on break, thought I'd share:
Me: Wife's birthday is in a few days.
Him: Oh? What are you getting her?
Me: Off ;)
Me: Seriously though, probably just something small.
Him: That's what she said :D
Me: ಠ\_ಠ
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Larry was not a good gift giver.
Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
birthday
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
Bought my wife a burka for her birthday
She wasn't too happy. Said she won't be seen in it
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Two friends lived in houses across from each each other
One day they were talking and the first friend said: "I'm gonna give you curtains for your birthday"
- "Why curtains?"
- "So I don't have to see you doing your wife all the time"
- "Ah well, I'm gonna give you binoculars for your birthday"
- "Um, why binoculars?"
- "Well, so you can see who's wife I'm doing"
He says to his wife: "Sleeping with you is like Christmas, Birthday and the 4th of July in a single moment."
To which she replies: "Well, each of those dates is just once per year too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My birthday is coming up, wife agreed to bday s**....
Thankfully she'll be out of town on a business trip so I'll have the house all to myself.
Birthday Gift for Husband
Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"
Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."
Happy Birthday Ray Rice!
I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
A couple of weeks before my wife's birthday she pulls me aside and explains, "For my birthday I would like to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in the driveway."
Well, I stand there thinking for awhile and it hits me! I buy it, have it wrapped with a big bow.
On her birthday she comes out and sees it all wrapped and beautiful. She rips the wrapping off and....it's a scale.
Incidentally, does anyone have a couch for me to c**... on for awhile?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**...-in-law
A husband and wife are shopping when the
wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?
Do you think she would like something electric?"
"Sure," the husband says, "how about a chair?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On my birthday my wife suggested I have a t**......
My wife suggested for my birthday I have a t**....
I replied "Do I get to pick both girls?"
And then the fight started...
My wife told me to get her something she can use for her birthday this year.
So I got her a face-lift and a tummy tuck.
For her birthday, my wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 in 5 seconds.
So I got her a weighing machine...
Birthday Gift
Husband: Honey, what would you like for your birthday?
Wife: Anything that goes from 1-200 in 10 seconds.
Husband buys her a weighing machine!
My wife bought me a second hand watch for my birthday...
Anyway, better be going. The football starts in... 1200 seconds.
On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited...
On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited. So I took her to the kitchen :P
A man comes home from work on his birthday.
He's greeted by his crying wife:
"I made you a cake, but the dog ate it :-("
"Don't worry, I'll buy you a new dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her I wanted to film a s**... tape.
I was surprised when she agreed but now it's awkward because she thought I meant with her.
A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.
The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."
I'm in trouble with my wife. I totally forgot her 'special birthday' that was such a big deal apparently.
Still, everything went fine and it was a healthy baby boy!
I bought my wife a desalination device for her birthday
Oddly enough, she's been real salty about it ever since
ilove my family...
For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for hers.
For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.
My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…
Wife's Birthday Gift
John: "It's my wife's birthday."
Peter: "What's your gift to her?"
John: "I asked her what she wanted."
Peter: "What did she say?"
John: "Anything, as long as there is a diamond."
Peter: "What did you give her?"
John: "Playing cards."
A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Jim's birthday
Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
Dave was trying to figure out what he would get his wife for her birthday...
Tired of racking his brain, he flat out asked her what she wanted. She replied "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." So he bought her a bathroom scale.
Dave hasn't been heard from or seen since Thursday.
For her birthday, my wife asked for something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 3 seconds
Apparently, a scale wasn't what she meant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises.
She really wanted a h**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked for a spa day for her birthday
I can't wait till she unwraps it, and I tell her it's pronounced s**....
I was going to cook a surprise Korean meal for my wife's birthday.
But someone let the cat out of the bag.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great s**..., anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model...
I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.
I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
A mathematician's wife asked to bring something exotic for her birthday
You should've seen her face when she's got a Klein's bottle
A wife's birthday was the next
day and she said to her husband, "Honey, for my birthday I want something that goes from 0-230 in 6 seconds to be in our driveway."
"I'll see what I can do" replied the husband suggestively.
The next morning she ran outside and found a scale in the driveway.
I had booked a U2 for my wife's birthday party...
Unfortunately they had to cancel. Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute. This new guy was amazing. He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.
After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig. He said, "Don't worry mate, I'm pro Bono."
My wife said I should get high heels for her birthday.
I'm getting some weird looks as I walk down the street.
So my family and I go past a nursing home...
There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"
A farmer received a birthday present from his wife. It was a brand new sickle.
Upon receiving the gift, he quickly became exscythed.
I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?
She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!
My wife gave me a mouse and a keyboard for my birthday.
I learned to play "KLONKY DONKEY" on the keyboard and trained that little fella to dance.
A woman gets up in the morning
wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
What happened on June 6, 1944?
We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!
What was the turning point of world war 2?
Battle of the bulge, sir!
What's is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought I don't know, sir!
The superior then said Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After last night my neighbour finally told me...
... that he can totally hear me and my wife whenever we have s**....
I hope I can find a solution before my birthday comes again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday
and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife offered to make me some s**... coupons for my birthday.
I asked her if one could be a groupon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I Bought My Wife A b**... For Her Birthday
Wife: Wow! You're so k**..., I can't believe you gave me a s**... toy.
Me: s**... toy?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
t**...
I had brought up the idea of a t**... several times to my wife. So on my birthday, she relented and asked which of her friends I would like. I didn't know I was only supposed to name one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man sees his neighbour across the street, on his balcony.
He says, Hey, when is your birthday?
His neighbour replies with May 17th, why?
The man responds with I'll buy you curtains for your birthday so I don't have to see you have s**... with your wife!
His neighbour then says, When is your birthday, because I'll buy you some glasses. Maybe then you'll be able to see who the wife is!
My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.
For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude
I wanted a new drill for my birthday, so when my wife asked, I told her to get a Black and Decker...
She's due in court next week on a racially-aggravated assault charge.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife said she wanted to go and see
the j**... Springer show for her birthday.
So I got her sister pregnant!!
We're on next Wednesday!
My wife suggested that it might be nice if I bought her some flowers for her birthday.
For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.
Wedding day and birthday
This married couple have a wedding day that is on the same day as the wife's birthday. When asked about it, the wife said:
"It's because he convinced me to. He said it's to make the most important day of my life twice as important as any other normal wedding day. I'm happy that he's the one I'm married to."
The husband, when asked the same question:
"It's easier to remember the date that way."
My doctor gave me a month to live.
I said, "Well, which month is it? My wife's birthday is in 31 days and I need to know if it's worth buying a present."
I made my wife upset on her birthday
She had been watching the Formula-1 and she asked me: "I want something that goes from 0 to 120 in less than three seconds." I gave her a scale.
My wife said she wanted to be surprised for her birthday
So I took her sister to Hawaii for a week
Wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday
Told her better wifi, she thought I said better wife. Now i have no wife or wifi
My kid just told us this joke during dinner..
Kid: Hmmmm.. not sure if this is sexist but.. how do you remember your wife's birthday?
By forgetting it once.
I heard a life tip that went; If you're ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.
The cashier wasn't amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.
