Wife And Dog Jokes
117 wife and dog jokes and hilarious wife and dog puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wife and dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Wife And Dog Short Jokes
Short wife and dog jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wife and dog humour may include short woman and her dog jokes also.
- My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
- Your dog loves you more than your wife does. Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.
- I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when... ...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."
- My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.
- My wife thinks the dog can talk to her and that every bark is a word. My family asked what it was like and I said: It's rough
- Your dog is better than your wife. Don't believe me? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and then see who's happy when you open it.
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
- "You treat me like a dog," said my wife.... "We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.
"Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa." - How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife? Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.
- How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife? Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
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Wife And Dog One Liners
Which wife and dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wife and dog? I can suggest the ones about wive and dog and cat.
- My wife asked my if I had seen the dog bowl. I said "I didn't know he could!".
- I got a dog for my wife. It was a good trade.
- My wife is like a deaf dog I can never make her come.
- My wife asked me if I've seen the dog bowl… I told her I didn't know it did.
- I wanted a dog. My wife wanted a cat. We had to compromise so we got a cat.
- I don't mind that my wife thinks I'm crazy. I mind that I have to hear it from our dog.
- Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife's wedding ring. Now we have a diamond in the ruff.
- My friend got a dog for his wife. I told him it was a fair trade.
- I got a dog for my wife today... ...I think I got the best of the deal.
- I told my wife: it's either me or the dog Where should I move?
- Sometimes I think my wife's a bit shallow I wouldn't want the dog digging her up
- I Got a dog for my wife. It was a good exchange offer.
- I asked my wife if she wanted a dog or cat. "What for? I'm already taking care of a pig."
- I got into bed last night and pulled off my boxers My wife said "you spoil those dogs".
- My dog smells better than my wife. Prove me wrong.
Laughter Wife And Dog Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about wife and dog you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wife hubby jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wife and dog pranks.
What happens if you play a country song backward?
You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.
A man sees a f**... procession...
... with nearly one hundred men following a man and his dog behind the two hearse's. The man goes up to the lead man and asks what happened. He is answered, "My dog killed my wife and her mother." With a slight grin, the man covers his mouth and says, "You think you might be able to lend me that dog?" To which he is answered, "Get in line."
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend?
Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk?
My dad loves telling this joke to women
Robert is walking down the street and sees two hearses followed by hundreds of men walking. At the front of the line, one man is walking his dog.
Robert walks up to the man and asks,
>"What happened?!"
The man- "My wife and mother in law died."
Robert - "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. How did they die?"
The man - "My dog bit them."
Robert - "Your dog bit them and they died?!"
The Man - "Yup"
Robert - "...Can I borrow your dog?"
The man simply smiles and says, "Get in line."
2 hearses.
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
Dog or Wife?
Your Wife is shouting at you to open the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door. Which one do you let in?
Well you can choose, but if you let the dog in at least they will stop barking.
Jim and his s**... life...
A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother
Gimme a triple shot of Jack
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s**... with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"
How do you find out who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Put them both in the trunk. When you open it, see who's happier to see you.
Several months
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have s**... with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
The man's best friend
You know the phrase "the dog is the man's best friend"?
Well, I can prove it's true!
Just lock up your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and one hour later... guess who is gonna be happy to see you!!
I walked in and found my wife in bed with my best friend, I kicked them both out of the house.
and he was the best dog I ever had
70 year old man asked his wife...
Do you feel sad when u see me running behind young girls?
Wife: No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it.
What's the difference between a wife and a dog?
The later you get home, the happier one is to see you
A dog is a man's best friend
A dog is a man's best friend. Don't belive me?
Put your wife in the trunk, put your dog in the trunk, wait a couple of hours. After open the trunk and looks who's happy to see you
How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?
Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.
I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?
She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.
A man went to see a shrink
He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"
My ex-wife is like a tornado
First she blows, then she s**..., then she took my house and dog.
Your wife is locked out at the front door yelling at you and your dog is barking at the back door to be let in. Which do you let in first?
Your dog, because it'll stop barking once you let it in.
What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?
Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.
The dog and I live happily together now.
Cheating wife
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.
I sat on the edge of my bed, gently tugging off my boxers... ;)
My wife thinks I spoil those dogs.
Husband: "I have good news and bad news"
Wife: "Tell me the bad news first."
Husband: "The washing machine broke."
Wife: "And the good news?"
Husband: "The dogs are clean."
How do you know a dog is better than a wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car and see who is happier to see you after an hour when you let them out.
What's the best way of determining who loves you more - your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in your car, unlock it after 4 hours and see which one is happy to see you
I wish my wife looked at me the way my dog does.
You know, waist-high with a bone in her mouth.
The Jetsons gave me unrealistic expectations for the future as a child
Like having a wife who loves me and owning a dog
d**...
Two buddies were drinking while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it d**...?" Asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, k**..., huh?"
"Well, not exactly..."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
If you have your wife b**... at one door, and your dog barking at the other, which do you let in first and why?
The dog, because after you let him in, he stops whining.
The wife's dog died...
Knowing how much she loved that dog the husband got her another dog, exactly the same as the one that died.
He gave her the dog and she yelled at him: m**...!! What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs?!?
A forbidden love
"I'm in love with one of my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep."
"Hmmmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GAY?"
Go to a dog shelter to find a dog, you're a hero.
Go to a women's shelter to find a wife, you're a monster.
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
Why is a dog mans best friend?
Lock your dog and wife in a trunk for an hour and see who's happier to see you when you let them out.
Why a man should always choose a dog over a wife
No man should ever choose a woman when we can get himself a dog.
Want proof?
Next time they misbehave put your dog and your woman in the garage for an hour and lock the door. Which one is happy to see you when you come back?
Wife or dog
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk, go back an hour later and see who's happy to see you. That's how you find out who your real friend is.
I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING i**....
I couldn't believe it.
I was in tears.
I could never trust her again.
I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.
Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.
I said, "bad dog".
When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards?
Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.
My wife called me and said If you're not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I'm giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.
I was home in 3 minutes, I'd hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.
Since the wife left me I've bought a motorbike, got a dog, slept with two women, and blown a grand on drink and drugs.
She'll go mad when she gets home from work.
Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like See?? This is why I chew furniture.
I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?
In case you've lost track, today is December 268...
This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really excited about car rides.
My wife said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, she'll slam my head on the keyboard. I think she's jokinoifghcxiegcrwlwefggxm
lkergx eyt3ruhcmergceg ewgucc ce;oeijf !!!
I sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, the wife leans in and says:
You spoil those dogs ....
The Unconditional Love Test
In order to find out whose love is truly unconditional.... lock both your wife & dog in the trunk of your car for approximately 15-30 minutes. When you open the trunk, who is excited to see you? That's your answer.
*DO NOT try this at home. This is a joke and I cannot be held responsible for any idiotic attempts at the aforementioned Unconditional Love Test.
Who loves you more? You're dog or your wife? Know how you can tell?
Lock your dog in the trunk for an hour and lock your wife in the trunk for an hour. Who is happy to see you?
Want to know who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a couple hours and see which one is happy to see you when you let them out.
What happens when you play a country song backwards?
You get:
- your wife back
- your house back
- your truck back
- your dog back
A sixty year old millionaire ran into an old friend in a jewelry store after a gap of several years and proudly introduces him to his gorgeous twenty eight year old wife.
The friend eyes her as she tries on a necklace in the tabletop mirror and whispers, "You lucky dog, how did you net someone like her?"
The millionaire leans in closer and whispers conspiratorially, "I told her that I was eighty."
A 70 year old man asked his wife: "do you feel sad when u see me running after the young girls?"
wife replied : no, not at all. every dogs chase cars they can't drive
This guy had a magic door
This guy had a magic door in his house. Whenever he wanted he could open the door and step into a magic world where he was the only human in. Since he was alone in this magic world he was like the king and he could do whatever he wanted to. There was no wife to throw chores at him, no kids nagging and fighting, no dog he needs to take on a walk - no one. He was alone to do as he pleases for as long as he wanted to until his legs get numb and he has to flush down the water and get back to reality.
My wife left me & ran off with my best friend. But I'm not too worried.
After all, how far can they get in a dog park?
Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on s**... stuff!"
Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are s**...."
A married couple were walking through a garden
when suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted, I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog
Moral : No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife
The husband gets a love bite on his neck from his secretary
He goes home quite worried, but suddenly gets a brainwave! Upon reaching his house, he allows his pet dog to jump on him and shouts:
"Honey, our dog bit my neck!"
The wife removes her bra and says:
"See what he did to me!"
True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.
Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!
It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"
I love riddles. Before reading the answer, I sat down with my wife and we spent a while pondering the possible answers.
Eventually, curiosity overcame us. We turned over the note to see the answer.
It read:
"Your dog.
I'm really sorry.
I ran it over."
I hate riddles.
What do you get when you play a country music record backwards?
You get you wife back, your truck back, your dog back...
Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?
A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.
What's the difference between a wife and a dog?
After five years, your dog is still happy to see you when you come home from work.
What do you get if you play a country song backwards?
You get your wife back, you get your truck back, you get your dog back.
I phoned my wife
And told her I had something to tell her, but it's hard to say.
Nervously, she said "What is it?"
I said "Ken Dodds Dad's dog is dead".
The pug
A guy tells his buddy, "I got my wife a dog for her birthday."
His buddy asks, "What breed?"
"It's a pug, the guys says. "And, despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her."
My daughter, 10, won tonight
My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text s**... up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural here…
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no. I didn't know he could.
Credits go to a sign at Mad Squirrel Tap in St Albans, U.K!
