Wif Jokes

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a b**... convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the world Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.

Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Husband: I have cheated once

Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a b**...?

The b**.... You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a b**....

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!

I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.