Widow Jokes
110 widow jokes and hilarious widow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about widow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best widow jokes and stories that will make you laugh out loud. Some are about golf widows, football widows and even Widow Twankey. Different circumstances are explored, including those of single, divorced, or childless widows. Find out if a eulogy can be funny and enjoy the journey!
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Funniest Widow Short Jokes
Short widow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The widow humour may include short wive jokes also.
- The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?" Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did" - Why are women called a "widow" when their spouse dies, but a man is called "widower"? Do men have to be better at everything?
- Widow: Doctor, why did my husband die? Doctor: Heavy drug use, ma'am.
Widow: But he never used drugs in his life!
Doctor: But I do. - Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don't understand why? Wife: I'm pretty sure it's to stop the male from snoring before it starts
- Did you know that Scarlett Johansson kept getting lost on the set of Black Widow? She kept Romanoff.
- The widow next door just got married for the eighth time. Every single wonderful husband has had the same first name. Can you guess what that name is?
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William. She's a Bill collector. - When Marvel named a movie after Chadwick Boseman's wife, they crossed the line Seriously? Black Widow? Show some respect!
- What would have happened had it been Khrushchev instead of Kennedy that was assassinated? Dunno about politics, but I'm really sure Onassis would not have married the widow.
- Liposuction surgeons hate her! Learn how this woman lost 250 pounds in just one day with ONE easy trick! She became widowed
- In honor of both Halloween and the release of documents on JFK's assassination I decided to carve a pumpkin that looks like JFK's widow. It's my first Jackie O'Lantern.
Share These Widow Jokes With Friends
Widow One Liners
Which widow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with widow? I can suggest the ones about divorced wife and old woman.
- What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.
- What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times? A widow
- What do you call a wife that always knows where her husband is? A widow.
- What is a male widow called? single
- Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
- What type of wife always knows where her husband is? A widow
- What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at night? A widow.
- I don't mind being divorced. But I'd rather be widowed.
- Why did the newly widowed woman stop paying her mortgage? For closure.
- What does a widow say when she wakes up? Mourning
- What does a pregnant widow have? Mourning sickness
- What do you call a black widow trapped in a bowl of noodles? Natasha Ramenoff
- Who is Pepper Potts? A white widow
- I like my women the same way I like my spiders. Black widows.
- Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?
Widow Spider Jokes
Here is a list of funny widow spider jokes and even better widow spider puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How was Spider-Man killed? He slept with Black Widow.
- I hate spiders! I beat a black widow once Now im not allowed near Winny Mandela anymore
- What do you call a spider that just lost her husband ? A widower.
- Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
- A black widow: the worlds most dangerous spider, and the worlds most annoying human. Tehehe
- Black Widow Spiders having s**... No wonder they're widows
Black Widow Jokes
Here is a list of funny black widow jokes and even better black widow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does Black Widow love sitting on Captain America's shield? Because it's made out of vibranium.
- Did you hear that the LAPD is training the Australian Police Force? I thought Australia already had enough black widows
- How do you avoid getting bit by a black widow? Restrain yourself from disrespecting her late husband DeAndre.
- My mom was black and my dad died. She is a black widow
- Why was Coretta Scott King hit over the head with a shoe? Because she was a black widow.
- I've got a lot of black widows at my house They keep asking for food.
- What do you call a single black mother? A black widow.
- What sound does a black widow make? My husband be dead
- I killed a widow today It was a black widow, but all widows matter
- Black Widow movie slated for this fall A documentary on the aftermath of Baltimore
Gather Around for Heartwarming Widow Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about widow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean single woman jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make widow pranks.
I can't find a title for this joke, still here it is
"So, you say that your husband hanged himself?" asked the judge.
"Exactly", said the widow.
"Then, how can you explain the bumps and bruises all over his head?"
"Well, he used an elastic."
Achy breaky heart.
At the age of 98, Mildred was distraught to be left a widow. She decided to ended it all with her husband's revolver and join him in death. To make sure she did it properly she called the doctor and asked exactly where the heart is located. The doctor replied that the heart is just below the left breast. Hearing that she took the revolver and placed it on the spot and fired. Half an hour later she was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound-to her left knee.
An old widow is on her deathbed,
and a priest comes to give her her last rites.
The woman has had four husbands, banker, an actor, a priest, and a mortician. The priest asks, why so many, and she replies, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A woman who's husband died is called a widow, what do you call a husband who's wife died?
Lucky
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
I approached the grieving widow at the f**....
"Tell me my dear, what were his final words?"
She sniffled and feebly replied.
"You don't scare me with that gun Martha, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!"
Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
A widow puts out an ad for a man...
She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her s**.... A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.
"Well, I have no arms so I will never beat you. I have no legs so I can't run from you."
"How do you suppose that you can satisfy me s**...," she asked with a puzzled face.
"Well, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke
Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.
My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."
Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"
Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.
What does Ronald Reagan have that Jimmy Carter doesn't?
A widow.
Old man dies
In his f**..., the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."
The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."
Dearest Wife email
*A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.*
**The e-mail reads:**
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure it is hot down here.
Widowmaker and Reaper are the worst heroes in Overwatch.
All they had to do was kill ONE monkey, a Zookeeper is a better shooter than these doofs!
A 9/11 widow, a black s**..., a jew who survived Auschwitz and a clairvoyant walk in to the Challenger Spacecraft
"I don't like where this joke is going" says the clairvoyant
What did Crazy Eddie's widow say to the f**... director?
These prices are insaaaane
Did you hear about the South Carolina r**... who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it until she's fourteen.
A widower man dies and goes to heaven...
... when he gets there his wife, full of joy, comes to greet him.
"I'm so excited, I couldn't wait to be with you again"
The man replies
"A deal is a deal honey, they told me: "until death do us apart""
I am a widower three times over.....
My first wife died when she ate some poisonous mushrooms from the yard.
My second wife died from eating the same mushrooms.
My third wife fell down the stairs because she wouldnt eat the mushrooms.
A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...
...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband f**....
When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:
"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"
At a f**...
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears t**...* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
Joke from a f**... I went to last weekend
widow: Is there anything anyone would like to say to the deceased?
man: yes, plethora
widow: thanks, it means a lot
A man goes to a f**... and asks the widow,
"Mind if I say a word?"
"Please do", she says.
Silence ensues...
The man clears his t**... and went on
"Plethora"
Tears welled up in her eyes.
"Thank you, that means a lot"
A man stands up at a f**...
and says to the priest, 'Excuse me, Father... I knew the deceased. Would you mind if I said a quick word?'
The priest nods him on, so the man clears his t**..., pauses for a moment, and says, 'Plethora', before sitting back down.
The widow goes back to the man, gives him a hug and says, 'Thank you. That means a lot.'
The best way to avoid getting bitten by a black widow...
...is not wearing a red tie to her Crip husband's f**....
A man goes to a f**... ...
After the regular round of eulogies and speeches and well wishers, he leans over the pew and asks the widow:
"Mind if I say a word?"
No, of course not , she says. "Please do."
The man stands up, clears his t**... and says:
"Abacus"
Then promptly sits down.
The widow leans back and says: "Thanks, it's the little things that count .
Where did the widowed poodle go to vacation?
Barkelona
So
Just before the f**... services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, How old was your husband? Ninety-eight, she replied. Two years older than I am.
So you're ninety-six, the undertaker said.
She responded, Hardly worth going home, is it?
I was at a friends f**......
I asked his widow if I could say a couple of words. After she said yes I got up there and said being alive . She smiled and said thank you. He would've liked that .
What's a widows drug of choice?
A dab. Duh!
I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow.
I was then removed from the f**....
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
Why did a grieving widow get fired for attending a f**...?
'Cause her boss was dyslexic.
Met a Japanese woman and the first thing she said was that she's a widow.
I said, "You seem pretty normal to me."
A man is asked to speak at his best friend's f**....
He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."
A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea
His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:
-Why are you only half mast?
-It's mourning wood
I was at the f**... of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.
Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."
Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."
Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"
A widow
A widow is sitting in the church at her husband's f**... when a man she doesn't know walks up to her and says
I'm very sorry for your loss, do you mind if I say a word?
Sure the woman replies
The man stands in front of the gathered mourners, clears his t**... and says Plethora.
He then walks back to the widow who says.... thanks, that means a lot
After an astronaut fell into a black hole, an official from NASA was explaining the situation to his, now widowed, ex-wife.
"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.
The official replies, "I'm sorry, Mam. Your husband has... Pasta way..."
The merry widow dies and goes to heaven
When she gets to the pearly gates she asks if she can be reunited with her late husband.
St Peter: "What's his name?"
Her: "Ted Smith."
St Peter: "We've got many, many Ted Smiths up here. Help me narrow it down. Where was he buried and what were his last words?"
Her: "He was buried in Woodbank Cemetery and his last words to me were that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn in his grave."
St Peter: "Oh right, whirling Ted Smith."
A widow sees a man sunbathing at the poolside of her country club
She approaches him: "Excuse me. I don't think I've seen you here before. Are you new?"
"As a matter of fact, I am." he says. "I was in prison for 30 years."
"For what?" she asks
"I murdered my wife." he responds.
"Oh!" She exclaims. "So you're single!"
A man walks up to the Widow at a f**... and asks if he can say a word.
"Of course", she replies.
The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".
The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,
"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".
I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.
Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the f**...?
A man walks into a f**... and asks the widow if he can say a word.
The widow, sobbing in grief, agrees.
The man says "Plethora"
The Widow says "Thanks, that means a lot"
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
A rich man demanded to be buried with his money
Upon his death bed a miser demanded he be buried with all his money leaving behind nothing for his wife and children. After his death some friends approached his widow to offer her jobs and gifts but discover she has bought a new home, car, and wardrobe. The friends ask how she can afford all of this with the entire estate being buried with her deceased husband? The widow replied, well I deposited the funds from the estate into my account and buried my dear husband with a check for the total.
A man goes to a f**...
A man goes to a f**....
He asks the widow if he may say a word.
The widow nods and says "Of course, please do".
The man clears his t**... and says "Bargain".
The widow sheds a tear, puts her hand on his shoulder and replies "Thanks. That means a great deal."
At a f**..., a man asks the widow if he may say a word
The widow replies of course.
The man stands up and says "Plethora".
The widow responds "Thanks, that means a lot".
A man walks up to a widow at her husband's f**...
"Would you mind if I said a word about your husband?"
She nods, so he walks up to the podium and says "Plethora".
Returns to the widow and she hugs him and says, "Thank you, that means a lot."
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands f**.... She said "Certainly."
He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."
Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."
Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."
Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."
Bob is about to celebrate his 30th anniversary
Bob wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night he emailed her, but misspelled the address, and it goes to a recent widow.
The next day, the widow's son finds Her passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this email:
My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything is set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope the trip down great will be as pleasant as mine.
P.S. It's really hot!
A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's f**... and says " May I just say one word?"
"Sure" she replies.
"Discount."
The widow says "Thank you. That means a great deal."
My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.
He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.
He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
An old man is on his death bed and calls all his family and the priest.
He says to his first son "I want you to have all the property in the north of the town, I have 16 houses there."
He says to his second son "I want you to have all my commercial property, 8 businesses."
He says to his third son "I want you to have the houses in the southern district, there are only 4, but they are expensive and lucrative."
The old man passes away and the priest says "That is unbelievable, he must have been incredibly wealthy?"
The old man's widow laughs and says "He was a Window Cleaner"
A f**... was being held for a man, and someone went up to the widow and said...
"I would like to say a word."
The widow nodded, and the man went on stage and said, "Plethora."
He then left the stage.
The widow stopped him as he walked by and said, Thanks, that means a lot."
A man dies in the widow orders a wreath for the f**...
She opts for simple "Rest in Peace" writing on the ribbon but then after a while she starts thinking that it's too short. So she calls the wreath maker and orders "Please add "I'll see you in Heaven" if there is space left." Happy with herself she hangs up. Then at the f**... she sees the wreath with "Rest in Peace" on one ribbon and "I'll see you in Heaven, if there is any space left" on the other.
A woman's husband dies, and she spends many years as a widow, missing him terribly.
In time, she too passes away, and is excited to see her husband in heaven.
She runs up to him, ready to give him a big hug, saying, "I've missed you so much!"
The husband says, "Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. The deal was 'til death do we part.'"
