Widow Jokes
104 widow jokes and hilarious widow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about widow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best widow jokes and stories that will make you laugh out loud. Some are about golf widows, football widows and even Widow Twankey. Different circumstances are explored, including those of single, divorced, or childless widows. Find out if a eulogy can be funny and enjoy the journey!
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Funniest Widow Short Jokes
Short widow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The widow humour may include short wive jokes also.
- The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?" Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did" - Why are women called a "widow" when their spouse dies, but a man is called "widower"? Do men have to be better at everything?
- Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don't understand why? Wife: I'm pretty sure it's to stop the male from snoring before it starts
- Did you know that Scarlett Johansson kept getting lost on the set of Black Widow? She kept Romanoff.
- The widow next door just got married for the eighth time. Every single wonderful husband has had the same first name. Can you guess what that name is?
.
.
.
.
.
.
William. She's a Bill collector. - When Marvel named a movie after Chadwick Boseman's wife, they crossed the line Seriously? Black Widow? Show some respect!
- What would have happened had it been Khrushchev instead of Kennedy that was assassinated? Dunno about politics, but I'm really sure Onassis would not have married the widow.
- Liposuction surgeons hate her! Learn how this woman lost 250 pounds in just one day with ONE easy trick! She became widowed
- In honor of both Halloween and the release of documents on JFK's assassination I decided to carve a pumpkin that looks like JFK's widow. It's my first Jackie O'Lantern.
- According to a recent study, being married is the fourth best thing that could happen to a man. The first three, in order: being single, being a widower, being dead.
Share These Widow Jokes With Friends
Widow One Liners
Which widow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with widow? I can suggest the ones about divorced wife and old woman.
- What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.
- What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times? A widow
- What is a male widow called? single
- I don't mind being divorced. But I'd rather be widowed.
- Why did the newly widowed woman stop paying her mortgage? For closure.
- What does a widow say when she wakes up? Mourning
- What does a pregnant widow have? Mourning sickness
- What do you call a black widow trapped in a bowl of noodles? Natasha Ramenoff
- Who is Pepper Potts? A white widow
- Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?
- What's a widows drug of choice? A dab. Duh!
- What seasoning does a widowed cannibal use? Old Bae
- How was Spider-Man killed? He slept with Black Widow.
- What does Ronald Reagan have that Jimmy Carter doesn't? A widow.
- Where did the widowed poodle go to vacation? Barkelona
Widow Spider Jokes
Here is a list of funny widow spider jokes and even better widow spider puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a spider that just lost her husband ? A widower.
- A black widow: the worlds most dangerous spider, and the worlds most annoying human. Tehehe
Black Widow Jokes
Here is a list of funny black widow jokes and even better black widow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does Black Widow love sitting on Captain America's shield? Because it's made out of vibranium.
- My mom was black and my dad died. She is a black widow
- Why was Coretta Scott King hit over the head with a shoe? Because she was a black widow.
- I've got a lot of black widows at my house They keep asking for food.
- What sound does a black widow make? My husband be dead
- Black Widow movie slated for this fall A documentary on the aftermath of Baltimore
- Who's the sassiest arachnid? The Black Widow!
- Why isn't Spiderman in the Avengers? Because a black widow has no husband.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Widow Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about widow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean single woman jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make widow pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Condoms.
A man goes to the pharmacy. He asks the pharmacist for a black c**.... The pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think they exist."
"Find one." The man says. "I've seen them, I know that they exist." The pharmacist promises to look, but doesn't believe he'll find anything.
Three days later the man gets a call. It's the pharmacist saying, "I don't believe it but I found a black c**.... Come pick it up."
The man comes to the pharmacy. He picks up the c**..., but the pharmacist says, "I must ask, why did it have to be black?"
The man replies, "I have to give my condolences to my best friend's widow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks past a pet shop...
A fairly young widow is walking past a pet shop and she pauses to admire the puppies in the window. As she looks inside, she sees a frog for sale, for £1000. She decides to go in and enquire as to why the frog is so expensive.
The pet shop owner says "this frog is a master of o**... s**..., which is very rare, so he's naturally expensive." The woman is sceptical, so the owner says "look, you can try it out if you like. Come take a seat over here."
The woman walks over and takes a seat, and the frog is placed on the floor in front of her. Nothing happens. The man looks at the frog and says "come on, you know what to do" but, nothing.
So the man turns to the woman and says "maybe it would help if you spread your legs a little, so he can see what he's supposed to do." The woman obliges, but the frog doesnt move.
The shop owner looks at the frog, at the woman, at the frog again, and back at the woman before saying "you know, it might help if you also remove your underwear." The woman removes her underwear and still there is no movement from the frog.
So the shop keeper turns to the frog and says "look, this is the last time I'm going to show you how to do this!"
Incognito
Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest walks up to his church's janitor
He then says that he has a problem - his stomach is very upset, and he has been running to the restroom all day. His problem is that the widow Mrs. Idoux is about to show up for her weekly confession, as she does every Friday at exactly 3:00. He asks the janitor to stand in for him at her confession, because Mrs. Idoux always has the same confession, carnal thoughts about a specific man. The priest says that he always gives Mrs. Idoux 10 Hail Marys and sends her on her way. The Janitor agrees, it is obvious the Priest would not ask such a thing were it unnecessary.
The Janitor steps in, and a couple minutes later, the widow Mrs. Idoux steps in to the confession booth. Mrs. Idoux says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have caved into my carnal thoughts and performed o**... s**... on a man who is not my husband." The Janitor, realizing he cannot give the same penance for carnal thoughts as o**... s**..., so he quietly steps out of the booth, calls an altar boy over, and asks "Hey, kid - what does the priest give for o**... s**...?", to which the boy replies "A coke and a snickers bar, why do you ask?"
Lonely widow.
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...
Rang the doorbell didn't I?
Psychic
Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the psychic delivered the bad news...
'There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.'
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, 'Will I get away with it?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't find a title for this joke, still here it is
"So, you say that your husband hanged himself?" asked the judge.
"Exactly", said the widow.
"Then, how can you explain the bumps and bruises all over his head?"
"Well, he used an elastic."
An old widow is on her deathbed,
and a priest comes to give her her last rites.
The woman has had four husbands, banker, an actor, a priest, and a mortician. The priest asks, why so many, and she replies, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A woman who's husband died is called a widow, what do you call a husband who's wife died?
Lucky
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I approached the grieving widow at the f**....
"Tell me my dear, what were his final words?"
She sniffled and feebly replied.
"You don't scare me with that gun Martha, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!"
Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A widow puts out an ad for a man...
She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her s**.... A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.
"Well, I have no arms so I will never beat you. I have no legs so I can't run from you."
"How do you suppose that you can satisfy me s**...," she asked with a puzzled face.
"Well, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke
Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.
My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."
Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"
Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old man dies
In his f**..., the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."
The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dearest Wife email
*A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.*
**The e-mail reads:**
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure it is hot down here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 9/11 widow, a black s**..., a jew who survived Auschwitz and a clairvoyant walk in to the Challenger Spacecraft
"I don't like where this joke is going" says the clairvoyant
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did Crazy Eddie's widow say to the f**... director?
These prices are insaaaane
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the South Carolina r**... who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it until she's fourteen.
A widower man dies and goes to heaven...
... when he gets there his wife, full of joy, comes to greet him.
"I'm so excited, I couldn't wait to be with you again"
The man replies
"A deal is a deal honey, they told me: "until death do us apart""
Just gotten my tests back from my doctor.
He said "its a good news, bad news situation".
"Oh" i said "whats the good news?".
"I will tell your widow that next week" he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...
...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband f**....
When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:
"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a f**...
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears t**...* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate spiders! I beat a black widow once
Now im not allowed near Winny Mandela anymore
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black Widow Spiders having s**...
No wonder they're widows
A widow places an ad in the paper
"Lover Wanted: must not run around behind my back, must not beat me, and most importantly, must be good in bed!"
A few days later, her doorbell rings. Excited, she rushes to the door and yanks it open, only to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
"Who are you?" She asks, disappointment setting in.
"I'm here about your ad in the paper. I'd like to be your lover."
"But you have no legs!"
"So I can't run around behind your back."
"But you have no arms!"
"So I can't beat you."
Annoyed, she asks "But how could you possibly be good in bed?"
Smiling, the man says "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The Guinness Factory in Dublin Experiences a Workplace Fatality
The unhappy job of giving the news to the widow falls upon the deceased man's best friend, Gerald.
Gerald knocks on the door of his dead friend's house and Mary, the widow answers the door.
"Mary, I'm afraid there has been an accident at the factory, Tom was involved."
"My God." says Mary, "is he alright!?"
"Well, the fact is, no, he died. Drowned in one of the vats" Gerald tells Mary and she begins to cry.
"Was it at least a quick death?" Mary asked.
"As a matter of fact... no. He got out three times to pee."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best way to avoid getting bitten by a black widow...
...is not wearing a red tie to her Crip husband's f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to a f**... ...
After the regular round of eulogies and speeches and well wishers, he leans over the pew and asks the widow:
"Mind if I say a word?"
No, of course not , she says. "Please do."
The man stands up, clears his t**... and says:
"Abacus"
Then promptly sits down.
The widow leans back and says: "Thanks, it's the little things that count .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So
Just before the f**... services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, How old was your husband? Ninety-eight, she replied. Two years older than I am.
So you're ninety-six, the undertaker said.
She responded, Hardly worth going home, is it?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at a friends f**......
I asked his widow if I could say a couple of words. After she said yes I got up there and said being alive . She smiled and said thank you. He would've liked that .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow.
I was then removed from the f**....
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
what is a mom that is a squrriel and widow looking for a man
A mom scavenging for these nuts
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did a grieving widow get fired for attending a f**...?
'Cause her boss was dyslexic.
When a women's husband dies we call her a widow, but when a man's wife dies
We call him lucky
Why do some parents divorce after playing Overwatch?
Because it makes a widow out of them.
He: Maybe I'll be widowmaker!
She: I am already widowmaker.
Satan: So cute...
I don't like to judge women's personalities.
But if your spouse has died...
Chances are you're a widow.
Met a Japanese woman and the first thing she said was that she's a widow.
I said, "You seem pretty normal to me."
A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea
His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:
-Why are you only half mast?
-It's mourning wood
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the f**... of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.
Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."
Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."
Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"
After an astronaut fell into a black hole, an official from NASA was explaining the situation to his, now widowed, ex-wife.
"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.
The official replies, "I'm sorry, Mam. Your husband has... Pasta way..."
The merry widow dies and goes to heaven
When she gets to the pearly gates she asks if she can be reunited with her late husband.
St Peter: "What's his name?"
Her: "Ted Smith."
St Peter: "We've got many, many Ted Smiths up here. Help me narrow it down. Where was he buried and what were his last words?"
Her: "He was buried in Woodbank Cemetery and his last words to me were that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn in his grave."
St Peter: "Oh right, whirling Ted Smith."
A widow sees a man sunbathing at the poolside of her country club
She approaches him: "Excuse me. I don't think I've seen you here before. Are you new?"
"As a matter of fact, I am." he says. "I was in prison for 30 years."
"For what?" she asks
"I murdered my wife." he responds.
"Oh!" She exclaims. "So you're single!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks up to the Widow at a f**... and asks if he can say a word.
"Of course", she replies.
The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".
The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,
"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.
Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the f**...?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
A rich man demanded to be buried with his money
Upon his death bed a miser demanded he be buried with all his money leaving behind nothing for his wife and children. After his death some friends approached his widow to offer her jobs and gifts but discover she has bought a new home, car, and wardrobe. The friends ask how she can afford all of this with the entire estate being buried with her deceased husband? The widow replied, well I deposited the funds from the estate into my account and buried my dear husband with a check for the total.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands f**.... She said "Certainly."
He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."
Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."
Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."
Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."
Bob is about to celebrate his 30th anniversary
Bob wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night he emailed her, but misspelled the address, and it goes to a recent widow.
The next day, the widow's son finds Her passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this email:
My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything is set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope the trip down great will be as pleasant as mine.
P.S. It's really hot!
My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.
He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.
He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
An old man is on his death bed and calls all his family and the priest.
He says to his first son "I want you to have all the property in the north of the town, I have 16 houses there."
He says to his second son "I want you to have all my commercial property, 8 businesses."
He says to his third son "I want you to have the houses in the southern district, there are only 4, but they are expensive and lucrative."
The old man passes away and the priest says "That is unbelievable, he must have been incredibly wealthy?"
The old man's widow laughs and says "He was a Window Cleaner"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man dies in the widow orders a wreath for the f**...
She opts for simple "Rest in Peace" writing on the ribbon but then after a while she starts thinking that it's too short. So she calls the wreath maker and orders "Please add "I'll see you in Heaven" if there is space left." Happy with herself she hangs up. Then at the f**... she sees the wreath with "Rest in Peace" on one ribbon and "I'll see you in Heaven, if there is any space left" on the other.
A woman's husband dies, and she spends many years as a widow, missing him terribly.
In time, she too passes away, and is excited to see her husband in heaven.
She runs up to him, ready to give him a big hug, saying, "I've missed you so much!"
The husband says, "Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. The deal was 'til death do we part.'"
