Wide Jokes
175 wide jokes and hilarious wide puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wide that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This hilarious article highlights the wide range of jokes around the word "wide" -- from "double wide" to "widely" -- that will make you laugh until they are wide open. Learn how to make your own jokes with "wide neck," "wide receiver," "wide nose," "widest," and more! Get ready to experience a vast world of wide jokes!
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Funniest Wide Short Jokes
Short wide jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wide humour may include short wise jokes also.
- A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"
The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide". - What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
- Shark Tank *on shark Tank*
Sharks: what's your idea?
Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
Shark 1: I'm out
Shark 2: I'm out as well
Hammerhead shark: tell me more - Schrodinger's cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it's widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he's rolling in his grave... and not
- I love the way pitbull says "Mr.World Wide" at the start of a song. Because it gives me time to change the station.
- This will blow your mind! If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.
- I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake. I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
- Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone... What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?
- Women playing golf goes to doctor She tells the doctor while playing golf a bee stung her between the first hole and the second hole, the doctor replies your stance is to wide
- With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?" Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"
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Wide One Liners
Which wide one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wide? I can suggest the ones about width and broad.
- Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy? A $100 dollar bill.
- Did you hear about the gay football coach? He turns tight ends into wide receivers
- A tight end went to jail He came back a wide receiver
- I wrote a dieting book. I think it will appeal to a wide audience.
- What do you call a couple of nuns and a blonde? Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
- I like my women like I like my mason jars Wide mouthed and full of alcohol!
- I set up a restaurant for overweight people I'm trying to cater for a wide audience
- An Arab prince acquires a dairy farm He's known far and wide as the Milk Sheikh
- What would they call the Witcher if he got fat? Geralt the Wide Wolf.
- What's a 2 by 2 A double wide
- Any joke is a one-liner if your page is wide enough.
- What did the dentist say to the pirate? Open wide and say "ARRRRRR".
- What do dentists and gynecologists have in common? They both start by saying "open wide!"
- What do you call 2 Nuns & a cheerleader? 2 Tightends & a Wide Reciever
- Where's Spiderman's home page? On the world wide web
Wide Open Jokes
Here is a list of funny wide open jokes and even better wide open puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A blonde walked into the dentist office... ...and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said: "Open Wide"
"I can't" - The blonde said. - "This chair has arms" - I spent the afternoon walking around with my fly wide open I finally realised it after I caught a girl dressing me with her eyes
- I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special "Inside Amy Schumer." Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues: 'Wide Open Spaces'
- When we got married I could pull her lips apart... Let 'em go, they would slam shut.
17 years later I can hold 'em shut, let 'em go and they flap wide-open! - Open wide ye heavenly gates! Open wide ye heavenly gates!
For Father suffered in passing through,
and Mother weighs much more.
-Gravestone - Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- It takes me a long time to open up to people Even at the doctors. He's like "open wide and say ahhhhhh" and I'm like "can you give me a few?"
- My doctor is such a bro The other day he told me to "open wide and say brahhhhhh"
- Doctor Doctor I feel really dirty Open wide
- Woah! Brian Williams' fly is wide open! Newsflash.
Open Wide Jokes
Here is a list of funny open wide jokes and even better open wide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a short and wide open-mouthed container made out of stone and clay? Terrible
- If a female dentist tells a male patient to open nice and wide it's fine but if it's vice versa...
Wide Receiver Jokes
Here is a list of funny wide receiver jokes and even better wide receiver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.
- Before his conviction, Aaron Hernandez was a tight end in the NFL. But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver.
- You know what they say about prison... You go in a tight end and come out a wide receiver
- What's the difference between a wide receiver and Ray Rice's wife? The NFL will review the tape of the wide receiver getting hit
- I can't believe there are not more anti vaxxer wide receivers. They will catch everything you throw at them.
- Sometimes, like a quarterback, you have to make tough calls. You want to make a play with the tight end but have to end up throwing to the wide receiver.
- PSU Why do you all these young players seem to be coming in as tight ends and leaving as wide receivers?
- Q: If you have a car containing a Oregon Ducks wide receiver a Oregon Ducks linebacker, and a Oregon Ducks defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop. - Did you hear Aaron Hernandez killed himself in prison? I guess he couldn't Handle going from a tight end to a wide receiver after all...
- My Football coach got fired because he got accused on Pedophillia charges. But say what you want about the man, he could turn any young tight end into a wide receiver.
World Wide Jokes
Here is a list of funny world wide jokes and even better world wide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do the World Wide Web and the Prime Minister of Israel have in common? They are both Net and Yahoo.
- Prisoners often think about the whole wide world out here... Meanwhile, I often think about the wide hole world in there.
- With all the negativity world-wide lately, it's nice to see Charlie Sheen has announced something positive
- Do you know why your Momma cant wear fishnets? It's because, the World Wide Web is already being used.
- When he told his friends he wanted to make the World Wide Web, they all said he was one crazy spider.
- Who created the world wide web? The galaxy wide spider!
- What do you call the world wide web in China? The internet of Qings.
- How do spiders communicate? The world wide web
- Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter.
- How do spiders access the Internet? Using the World Wide Web.
Double Wide Jokes
Here is a list of funny double wide jokes and even better double wide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the mobile home ductwork? They say it was double-wide
- What is a double-wide salad? It's a salad for people who can't afford a house salad
- What kind of house does someone with obesity sell? A double wide
Howlingly Hilarious Wide Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about wide you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean extended jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wide pranks.
Berry good
Two guys were arguing over the best way to grow strawberries. One asserted that Miracle-Gro was the best method, the other insisted that cow manure would yield the largest and sweetest berries. They finally decided to ask Mrs. Thompson, who was known far and wide for her succulent, large strawberries. So one farmer says Mrs. Thompson, do you put cow manure on your strawberries. She replied, No, I either eat them plain or add sugar and cream.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
j**... Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...
... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.
Jewish ad campaign
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Daddy, what's s**...?
A man was in his backyard when his 8 year old daughter comes out and asks him, "Daddy, what's s**...?"
The man things for a minute and tell himself if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know, so he goes on and tells his daughter all about the birds and the bees.
Once he was done, his daughter was sitting there, wide eyed, while his wife yells from inside, "Honey, did you tell dad dinner will be ready in a couple of secs yet?"
A sad looking man walks into a bar
And orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.
The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"
The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"
This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.
After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"
The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Best friends wife.
Two midle aged men who were the best of frinds since several years are talking over a beer. Suddenly one of them says in a thoughtful voice: "If I have s**... with your wife, does that men we become related?" The other one looks at him with wide eys and says: "Nooo, but we become even..."
An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.
The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.
The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."
The instructor feinted.
Two mathematicians walk into a bar...
they're still not sure why it was so wide.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to play football for j**... Sandusky.
I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you catch a polar bear?
First you dig a hole in the ice, about 8 feet deep and about 6 feet wide.
Second you open a can of peas and place the peas around the perimeter of the ice hole.
Then you hide and wait. When the polar bear stops to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
A woman returned home from a round of golf.
Her husband asked how it went. She replied, "Well, OK, but I got stung by a bee." He responded, "Where did it sting you?" She said, "Between the first and second hole," whereupon he exclaimed, "I told you your stance was too wide!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my girls like I like my Pringles....
Thin, stacked, and just barely wide enough to accommodate my fist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wedding Night
A guy has never had s**..., and gets into bed on his wedding night.
His new wife gets n**..., sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"
He says, "No."
She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"
He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man with wide open arms
One evening a woman was coming back home when she saw a man at the end of the street moving towards her with wide open arms and a vacant stare , she panicked ,picked up a rock and threw at him while running away .The man stood up shaking his head and exclaimed "g**... ,it's the 4th window this hour, my boss is going to kill me"
What do you do if you step on a landmine?
Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gosa, the village idiot
Gosa, the village idiot, is walking along the banks of the Nile when Abdullah sees him and calls across from the other side
'Gosa, the Nile is wide and mighty, and the nearest crossing is miles away, how did you get to the other side?'
Gosa, with a smile on his face, replies
'But my dear friend Abdullah, you ARE on the other side!'
A Belgian pilot...
A Belgian pilot is landing his plane,
Pilot: wow, what a short runway!
Copilot: yea, but it's sooo wide though!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day I teased my crush in class...
and told her, "s**... for you girls, you don't know what your last name will be ten years from now because it changes when you get married. I know my last name will be Smith my whole life." She replied, "Oh, but I do know. It will be Smith." She then turned pink and looked down. I gave her a wide smile.
Ten years later, she became my stepmother.
(This joke was translated from Chinese so sorry if parts don't make sense.)
A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.
The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."
The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 altar boys at a time."
So I think I am finally starting to understand American Football..
You get the other guy to the ground.
You go for the touch down.
Grab his ball.
Do a quick turnover.
Go in for the score.
And turn that tight end to the wide receiver.
It all makes sense now.
The English and the Scots.
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbour was about to lose his house.
So i decided to organise a neighbourhood wide charity o**... to help him.
It was truly awe inspiring to see the whole neighbourhood come together like that.
I heard that America is banning Levi in all sorted nation wide.
It's a jean-o-cide
How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?
I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.
My parents were really confused when I was a kid...
They would always put me to bed when I was wide awake and wake me up when I was sleeping.
How come I was wide awake while watching the Wall Street sewuel
CAUSE MONEY NEVER SLEEPS!!!
A man got lost on a camping trip
A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nuns and prostitutes
What do you call 2 nuns and a p**... playing football? Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
I became an outlaw yesterday by making a joke at anothers expense.
There was a county wide burn ban.
Murphy and Seamus
Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.
Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.
Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A p**... goes to the doctor
p**...: "it's too wide, the guys don't like it anymore, I wanna make it tighter"
Doctor: "no problem, but I have to see it first"
She undresses and shows him.
Doctor: "What's this?" "What's this?" "What's this?"
p**...: "Why'd you say it 3 times?"
Doctor: "I said it once but the rest echoed"
Why do Women get So Big when they're Pregnant?
To give their kids a wide birth.
What do widespread and rampant voter fraud and quantum states have in common?
They disappear when you try to measure them.
The bible says that heaven is 1500 miles wide and 1500 miles high, built out of gold as clear as glass.
There are going to be a lot of birds dying in the eternal paradise...
What is the most widely used legal disclaimer in a Mexican restaurant?
"Hot Plate"
What did the mother give to her clinically obese newborn baby?
A wide birth
Ÿøû know how I know that there is a widespread obesity epidemic in America?
My tinder matches.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do all the ladies love Jesus?
(Stretches arms out wide)
Because he was hung like this.
I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.
Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.
I was working at the shoe store
When a teenage girl came into the store, looking for new shoes. I saw that she was struggling to fit into some of the traditionally sized shoes, so I showed her special shoes for wide set feet. She began to cry and thought that I was calling her fat. I told her, "I'm not calling you fat, but if the shoe fits, wear it."
I racked my brain and searched far and wide because I wanted to post a really great chemistry joke.
Alas, all of the good jokes argon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
138 santas nation wide being served with cease and desist orders.
3000 mothers are protesting the use of sexist language across the country chanting h**... h**... h**... has got to go ...
California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.
Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier's wife sends him.......
....a n**... photograph of herself with both legs wide open.
She adds the message, Love, I'll wait for you like this till you return.
Soldier: Oh, that's nice but who took that photo?
Counting sheep
Bill: Gosh, you look really tired today.
Phill :I am. I didn't sleep at all last night.
Bill: I'm sorry. Too much caffeine?
Phill I don't know what it was. I just kept tossing and turning.
Bill : Did you try counting sheep?
Phill: I did. But you know how it is. By the time you get up, drive all the way to the farm and then drive back, you're wide awake again
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."
Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 p**...."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope I pass away like my grandpa. Peacefully in his sleep.
Not wide awake like his passengers.
Edited because I s**....
Some sea mammals sleep with half their brain in deep sleep and the other half wide awake
This was developed as an evolutionary mechanism for survival, but biologists have documented a similar mechanism in workers at the DMV
[OC]A man walks into a hardware store
Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.
Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?
Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.
![Wide joke, [OC]A man walks into a hardware store](/images/jokes/wide-jokes-i-love-the-way-pitbull-says-mrworld-wide-at-the-st.jpg "Wide joke, [OC]A man walks into a hardware store")
