whorehouse Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious whorehouse puns

2 drunk men walk into a whorehouse [NFSW]

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first man says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

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[NSFW] The Penguin

A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.

"What can I get for 5 bucks?

"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."

Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.

The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"

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18 inch harry..

A first-time John went to a whorehouse. He entered a private room, put $50 on the table and dropped his pants.

At the sight of the man's 18-inch penis, the hooker almost fainted.

"Hold on, pal," she said. "I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you are not sticking that in me."

The man pulled up his pants, picked up his money and said, "Screw you bitch. I can do those things myself."

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A trucker walks into a whorehouse..

The Madam walks up to the trucker and says "How can I help you?" to which the trucker replies " I have $1000, I want the ugliest, meanest, foul mouthed women you have." The Madame says "for $1000 you have can the sexiest, smoothest, most beautiful lady we have." the Trucker replies" ma'am I mean no disrespect, but I'm not horny, I'm homesick"

Courtesy of my late grandfather.

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"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"

A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

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What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

One is a display of cunning stunts.

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A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.

The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."

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Im opening a DIY whorehouse.

It's called "Go fuck yourself".

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What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it, we're closed.

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A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."


The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.


Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

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I went to a whorehouse the other day...

The sign outside said "We're closed so beat it"

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A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse with $2 in his pocket. The man in charge says well for two dollars there's a dead hooker upstairs, you can have your way with her for ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, the patron comes back downstairs and the man in charge asks him how it was.

"It was okay, but the only thing is her nose kept running."

"Ahhh," said the man in charge, "she must be full."

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why does a one story whorehouse make more money than a two story?

theres no fucking overhead...

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What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

One's an array of cunning stunts...

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Aftershave's aftereffects.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

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A sailor is on shore leave for the first time in weeks

...first thing he does is go to the next whorehouse, where he pays the first available hooker to give him a blowjob.
She goes down on him and sucks away for 15 minutes, before she looks up and says: "Man, doesn't your dick ever get hard?" to which the sailor replies:
"It's not supposed to get hard. It's supposed to get clean."

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( !Dark Humour!) A guy walks in the local whorehouse...

...
says I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money. The guy behind the counter says
How bout the $1.95 cent special?
The customer says ok , and he paid,
headed to the room.
When he opened the door, he found this beautiful whore spread out, just waiting for him.
He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her.
Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.
He freaked, omg she's sick!
He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening,
and the guy says
hey John!
The dead one's full again!

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A married trucker walks into a whorehouse.

He puts $500 dollars on the front desk and says "Give me the worst blowjob ever."


The madam told him "For $500, you can have the best we offer!"


He said "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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A mom buys an old parrot from a whorehouse..

A mom buys an old parrot in a whorehouse and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.

As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.

Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.

Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"

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A whorehouse got burned down today...

Some came out running, and some ran out cummimg.

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A man with only one dollar comes to a whorehouse.

He says: "Hello, I've got one dollar. What can I get for it?"

The lady in charge gives him a key with the room number. So he goes up, opens the door and sees a very old woman lying on the bed. He goes back down and says: "There's a very old lady in the room".

The lady in charge replies "Well, this is what you get for a dollar".

He then goes back to the room, starts undressing and suddenly he realizes that she's dead. Once again he rushes back down and says: "B-but she's dead!"

The lady in charge replies: "Well, this is what you get for a dollar".

He goes back to the room and starts to fuck the old dead woman. Then he sees a huge snot hanging from her nose. Again he rushes back down and says: "Come on, she's dead AND she's got a runny nose".

The lady in charge picks up a phone and yells "Change the granny, this one's overflowing".

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Revenge

Little Johnny walks into the local whorehouse carrying his piggybank and a flattened dead frog with a piece of string tied around its neck. Johnny tells the woman at the counter he'd like to have sex with a woman.

"Well it seems you have enough money here, any special type of girl you'd like?"

Johnny replies, "Peggy. I hear Peggy has aids, and she's the one I want to have sex with."

The receptionist is a bit confused, but she takes Johnny to a room in the back and tells him to go on inside. A little while passes, and out comes Johnny, still dragging the flattened frog behind him. The receptionist is just too curious and asks, "Son, why did you want to have sex with Peggy if you knew she had aids?"

Johnny replied, "Well, it's like this. Tonight when my parents go out to dinner, I'll have sex with the babysitter, and I'll give aids to her. Then when my dad takes her home later, he'll pull over and they'll have sex too, so he'll get aids. After he gets home, he'll have sex with my mom, and she'll get aids too. Then tomorrow morning, the milkman will stop at my house after my dad leaves for work and he'll have sex with my mom, so he'll catch aids as well. And that's the motherfucker that ran over my frog."

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2 old drunks go to a whorehouse

when they ring the doorbell the head mistress answers and says "how can i help you". The old guys say " Give us two of your best women" the woman leads them to a room and tells them to wait. She then tells one of her girls " Go stick a couple of blow-up dolls in their beds those old drunks won't know the difference." So the drunks go to their rooms and then meet up outside afterwards. The first drunk asks his buddy "Well how was it?" His Buddy says "It was kinda weird man I think she may have been dead." "Dead!!" The first drunk says. "Why do you say that?" "Well I tried all my best moves on her and she didn't move or make a sound." "Damn That's crazy, but it's better than mine." said the first drunk "Really? What happened to you?" Asked the second drunk. "Well I think mine was a witch" "A witch!!" said his buddy "why would you think that?" "Well I started kissing her all over and I nibbled on her neck a little and the bitch farted and flew out the window."

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Three Woodcutters & The Whorehouse

Three woodcutters were finishing up a hard, four-month stint in the forest. They had not seen or heard anything other than the trees and the sound of their axes that entire time. They packed up, and headed to the nearest town.

After getting sufficiently drunk, they decided to visit the town brothel. Upon entering, the madam became nervous at the sight of the three men because she had only two girls working that night. She thought on her feet, and decided to bed the drunkest looking woodcutter with a blow-up doll.

After all was done they met downstairs to compare notes. The drunkest woodcutter said: "She was okay at first, but a little too quiet. So I bit her nipple, then she let out a huge fart and flew out the window."

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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he
waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a
cab to follow her. By following her he found out she
was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go
inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her
in the back of the cab and take them home. So the
cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked
open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who
is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the
way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl
inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the
cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M
GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"

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A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse and says he wants to get laid. He sees a pretty girl and asks the owner how much for 30 minutes with her. The owner tells him the price and unfortunately it's way out of his price range. So he asks if there are any cheaper girls available and the owner says that she thinks she can help him. She tells him to head up to room number 11 and the girl will be in bed waiting for him. The man happily agrees, pays his money, and heads up to the room to meet his lady. He enters the room and sure enough there is a girl in bed waiting for him. He quickly does the deed, and as he is leaving he notices some white fluid coming out of her eye and ear. Not wanting to be rude, he just gets dressed and leaves the room. As he is leaving he mentions to the owner that he noticed the girl had something coming out of her eye and ear. The owner, not looking surprised or concerned, then yells into the back "Hey, the dead one's full again!"

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There's a whorehouse on top of a mountain

There's a whore house on top of a mountain and there are three men, each a different nationality. One man is running up the mountain. One man is going down the mountain. One man is in the whorehouse. What are each of their nationalities?



The man going down the mountain has already gotten laid so he is Finnish.
The man going up the mountain hasn't gotten laid yet so he is Russian.
The man in the whorehouse?? Himalayan

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In a classroom

The teacher is talking to little girls about Johnny's awful language 'Remember girls, when Johnny starts swearing just go out of our classroom.' Johnny came in and sat down. The teacher asked what are the buildings under construction in town. Kids say many things but then Little Johnny says 'They are building a whorehouse nearby'. And so every girl got up and started heading for the door. Then Johnny shouted 'Wait up whores, it will be done in a month, what's the rush'

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A man visits a whorehouse in Japan

A man goes on a trip to Japan to see some friends. His buddy tells him about this whorehouse on a corner downtown. He goes to the address, nervously he knocks on the door.
A peephole opens up, "what can I do for you?" The man answers "I want to get fucked"
"Slide $50 under the door."
The man slides a $50 bill under the door and waits. After a few moments, nothing happens. The man knocks again, angry. "What is it this time?" the man behind the door says. "I said I want to get fucked!"
The man behind the door replies "Again?!"

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A horny guy went into a whorehouse...

A horny guy went into a whorehouse and says, "I need a blow job, but I only have $5".
"Okay", the owner said, "that is not much, but for $5 we can give you a penguin".
"What's a penguin?" The man asked.
"you'll see", she replied.
So he went upstairs. A young woman came and started giving him a blow job. But just as he was about to finish, she stopped and walked away.
Frustrated, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming "What's a penguin?"

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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped into a cab to follow her. By following her he found she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "wanna make $100?" The cabbie says, "sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do is going inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab and throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie," THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"

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The cheating wife.

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here, hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

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Just a good son taking care of his old dad

Late in the night, a mother hears noises in the lobby. she goes to check it out, and sees her son preparing to leave the house: "Where are you going so late and on this weather?"
"Well, i'm going to the whore-house"
"How dare you?! You are only 15 ! Get back to bed immediately !"
Aproximately an hour later, she hears noises in the lobby again. Goes to check it out, her son was there again: "Where the hell do you think you're going ?" "To the whore-house, mom !" "You just drop that umbrella and get in bed immediately !" "Well, i can't wait to see how dad's gonna get home in this rain !"

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Labor union joke

A labor union organizer goes to a whorehouse and asks the madam if the girls are in a union. "Sorry," she replies, so he leaves.
He goes to a second whorehouse, and again asks the madam if the girls are in a union. When told they are not, he asks, "How can I spend my money here when you do not share your profits with your labor?" and leaves.
He goes to a third whorehouse and again asks the madam if the girls are in a union. "They are," the madam proudly replies. "Great," he says. "I'll go with that cute little blonde over there." "You can't," the madam says. "You have to go with the old grey-haired lady over there. She has seniority."

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Two old guys want to get laid

So they go to a whorehouse.
The lady that runs the place doesnt want to waste hookers on them.
So she sets them up with a room with some blowup dolls.
The old guys pay the lady; get their rocks off; and start walking back to their homes.
One says to other "i think the broad i was fuckin was dead. She was all cold a rubbery..."
The other old man replies; "really? Because i am sure the bitch i was doodlin was a witch..."
The first old man wonders how he came to that conclusion.
"well we were gettin kinda kinky an i went and bit her neck and she farted and flew out the window."

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What are the most funny Whorehouse jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Whorehouse? Well, here are the best Whorehouse dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Whorehouse pick up lines to share with friends.

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