Whole Foods Jokes
56 whole foods jokes and hilarious whole foods puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about whole foods that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Whole Foods Short Jokes
Short whole foods jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The whole foods humour may include short organic food jokes also.
- Both my grandparents were midgets They struggled to put food on the table their whole lives
- I was stranded in the swamp for days with no food I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.
- How come Jeff Bezos spending 13 billion makes the news? I spent 13 billion dollars last week at Whole Foods as well and all I got was some vegan avocado toast.
- Healthy German What did the health conscious german say, when he entered Whole Foods?
Gluten Morgen
PS: First time posting an original. - Why Amazon bought Whole Foods Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole Foods
Alexa: Buying all of Whole Foods
Jeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead. - Why is Whole Foods' house brand called 365? Cuz you have to work 365 days a year to afford it.
- Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast? Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.
- Eating spicy food is like... Having your whole body sit down for a game of poker. Your stomach always wins while your sinuses and intestines get cleaned out.
- Amazon supposedly paid 30% over the market value for Whole Foods. It was so unexpected of Whole Foods to offer them a discount.
- Overheard at a Whole Foods Billing counter "Now I'm going to read the numbers in the barcode and you type them in your register...I don't want those carcinogenic lasers touch my food"
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Whole Foods One Liners
Which whole foods one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with whole foods? I can suggest the ones about health food and healthy food.
- Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods? He heard they had fresh beets.
- If I had a dollar for every year since the beginning of time... I could buy Whole Foods
- If I drank a whole bottle of food coloring... I would dye.
- If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, Is it false advertising?
- What do people typically get at Whole Foods? Ripped off.
- I only eat Whole Foods. Whole pizzas, whole cakes, whole family meals.
- My parents were dwarfs... they struggled to put food on the table their whole lives.
- Text from Amazon Going to buy Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?
- I don't like Whole Foods I prefer to cut my food
- I got fired from my job at Whole Foods They caught me selling half foods!!!
- Whole foods? More like whole paycheck.
- Where does the CIA buy its groceries? Whole Foods
- How Much Food did Soviet Ukraine Need in the Early 1930s? A whole-lot-more
- Have you heard the joke about Whole Foods? It was so bad it made me sustainably groan.
Laughable Whole Foods Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about whole foods you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grocery store jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make whole foods pranks.
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Chuck Norris does not buy ground beef, he just takes a whole cow, runs it through his beard, and fully cooked hamburgers come out.
Lays chips claims "No one can eat just one".
Wrong.
Chuck Norris ate ONE, laughed then ate a whole bag of Doritos.
My dental hygienist is cute.
Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.
Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Made this joke up while working at Whole Foods a couple years back...
**What do you call a Whole Foods employee that shops at another grocery store?**
>!A "Traitor" Joe !<
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
A traveling salesman...
A traveling salesman couldn't find a hotel one night.
He saw a light on a deserted road, and decided to knock on the door. It turned out to be a monastery; the monks were preparing dinner.
He was invited to join the others while the food was being prepared. They sat round in a circle; each monk would recite a number and the others would laugh. Intrigued, the salesman spoke up.
What are you guys doing?
One of the elder monks replied, We're telling jokes.
By saying numbers?
Yes. You see, we've heard the jokes so many times, we have them catalogued. We don't need to tell the whole joke; we just refer to its number. Go ahead and try.
The salesman thought for a second, and said, 78.
The monks were in hysterics. Some were doubled over with laughter, others had tears rolling down their eyes, a few were pounding the table with their fists.
When the laughter died down, the traveler asked, Can you tell me what's so funny?
We never heard that one before!
The other day I was in charge of finding a caterer for this big event I was hosting.
Through a lucky series of events, I was able to book Bobby Flay's brother for the night! I thought it would be great, but once he cooked it all, the main course was terrible and people were complaining about food poisoning the whole night.
Moral of the story: Don't judge a cook by his brother.
Signs...
The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Your job interferes with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.
- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.
- You fall off the floor sometimes.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.
- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- The whole bar greets you when you come in.
- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.
- That d**... pink elephant followed you home again!
I wonder if poor kids in Africa dream of a white christmas?
Like spending time with your whole family, getting tons of Xboxes and play stations. Heaping servings of food, etc.
World peace (how to)
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours...followed by a global food shortage.
A guy starts his first day at a bakery...
The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.
"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a file drawer with a picture of a carrot on it. "And here's the zucchini dough."
"But what's this one with the picture of Kevin Spacey on it?" The new guy asks.
"Oh," the boss responds, "That's the pea dough file."
Why did we have chinese food on boxing day?
The whole "dog for christmas" thing wasn't a hit
Why did the Whole Foods customer read the numbers on her barcode to the cashier?
She didn't want lasers touching her food
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're n**..., so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
(Whole thing done in thick fake accents)
What's the best pickup line at Whole Foods?
"I like a lady in the streets, and a freak in the organic, h**...-infused sheets."
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
An orthodox Rabbi walks into a restaurant...
It's not a kosher place, but he thinks what the h**..., why not? He asks for a seat outside.
He looks at the menu, and decides if he's gonna eat non-Kosher food, he's going to do it in the biggest way possible. He orders a whole, roasted suckling pig, complete with multiple sauces and an apple in its mouth.
The dish comes out, and just as the waiter is setting it as his table, the rabbi sees one of his congregants walking towards him on the sidewalk. The rabbi is terrified of being caught.
Panicking, he shouts out would you look how they serve an apple here??
Source: my grandpa's joke, told almost every Rosh Hashanah
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..
…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.
The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive."
Two Story Restaurant Waiter~
So I got this job at a restaurant that was 2 stories tall. I worked for 3 days hulking trays full of food and drinks and then dirty dishes up and down the stairs. And then I noticed some of the other waiters pointing and laughing at me. At first I though something had fallen off my tray. Then this the manager took me aside and explained that they have a little elevator that takes the food trays from the kitchen upstairs to the seating area downstairs. And I had been slaving with trays using the stairs the whole time. Boy, was I a dumbwaiter.
