Uproarious White Jokes to Share with Friends
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?
Cause you know he is actually guilty.
Republicans are the true snowflakes...
they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.
Life is like chess...
We can't all be white.
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?
A s**....
A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.
The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....
At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".
My c**... Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son
Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.
Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?
Walter: It's on the house.
Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?
I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
If the next president is white....
That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.
how do you starve a black person?
the same way you would a white person.... you racist.
TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.
Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.
"I'm proud to be a black man"
"I'm proud to be a black man!" said the black man.
"I'm proud to be an Asian man!" said the Asian man.
"I'm proud to be a white man!" said the racist.
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"
Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?
The Trump card.
One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
Why do Indians hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
I painted my computer black so it would run faster.
Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.
Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.
After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"
Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."
A black guy and a white girl are at a party
A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs
A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black b**...."
So I was at my bank today.
There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?
The bystander with the camera.
Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..
So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"
A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."
I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?
In an e**....
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...
...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.
P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.
Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?
Because they literally can't even.
Why can't Chinese people have white babies?
Because two Wongs don't make a white
Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?
Swallows.
The power of Pepsi
So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"
i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".
Why can't Asian couples have Caucasian babies?
Because two Wongs don't make a white.
If two white supremacists get a divorce...
Do they still consider each other "cousins"?
TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation
Now it looks like the French landed on the moon
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
I don't understand why white people can't say the N word
We invented it after all
What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison?
You know he actually did it.
You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country
The White House seems to always be hiring.
A little girl walks into a pet shop
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.
Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.
Why do native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people
Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?
The Trump card.
What are a kidnappers favorite type of shoes?
White Vans.
Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.
Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.
Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.
But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people looking both ways before they start
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the h**... did you shout Mickey Mouse?
Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!
Why does Batman leave his lower face visible?
So cops can see that he's white
A black man walks into a restaurant..
There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."
The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."
The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.
But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!"
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
I was at my bank today...
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange money for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollars, today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
Trumpty Dumpty
Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall
Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the golf courses and all the white men
Couldn't Make America Great Again
What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?
Pardon me, please.
Two Jews are arguing before the Rabbi
J1: "Black is a color!"
J2: "NO! it is not!"
J1: "It is a color!"
J2: "Rabbi, is black a color?"
Rabbi: "Well, sure..."
J1: "See, I told you. And so is white!"
J2: "White is not a color!"
J1: "Rabbi?"
Rabbi: "Well, yes, white is a color"
J1: "See, I told you Moishe, I sold you a *color* TV"
Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.
Moishe: Black is a color
Abram: No it is not.
Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.
Abram: No, it's not.
They go to the rabbi.
Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.
Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.
Abram: Okay, but white is not a color,
Moishe: Yes it is.
Abram: No, it is not.
Moishe: Rebbe, is white a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moishe, white is indeed a color.
Moishe: See, I told you I sold you a color TV.
Whenever my wife is upset
Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon..
Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.
If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a c**....
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..
The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.
A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.
The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".
This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".
A shout out to Jussie Smollette
On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.
what's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White?
Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.
My daughter, 10, won tonight
My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text s**... up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural here…
Whatrestraunt is always full of white people?
c**... Barrel
my 12 year old just got me: what is a kidnappers favorite shoes?
White vans.
What's big and white and will kill you if it falls out a tree?
A freezer.
A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book
An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"
Why are white gangs the scariest in prisons?
Because they had a fair trial and still ended up there.
I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt
I had No Time To Dye.
I walked past a boy sitting on the steps of the local YMCA s**... a large, white feather.
I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down"
What's black, white and red and can't fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a javelin through her head.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.
A man went to visit his elderly parents
He asked his father "How have you been lately?"
The father said "Well, we found a great new restaurant! But I can't remember the name of it- my memory's just not what it used to be. What's the name of that flower, with the thorns, can be red or white or pink..."
"A Rose?" the son suggested
"Yeah, that's it" said the father. Then he turned his head back and shouted "Hey, Rose- what's the name of that restaurant?!"
What's black, white, and red all over?
Some people say it's a news paper, I say it's Spider-Man.
what's black, white, and red all over?
Rihanna's halftime show.
A White Horse Walks Into a Bar
A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a cocktail named after you!". "What?", says the horse, "Steve?".
\-heard from Alan Davies on Q.I.
What is black and white and red all over?
At this point, the shorter list would be "what *isn't* black and white and red all over".
