whispered Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious whispered stories

What are the best Whispered puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Whispered? Well here is a complete list of Whispered to have fun with:

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

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After my prostate exam....

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.

At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"

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The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

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A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...

The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."

"What is it, dear?"

"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"

She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"

The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."

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My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"

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A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...

...a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."

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"It's impossible" said Pride. "It's risky" said Experience. "It's pointless" said Reason. "Give it a try" whispered Heart. (NSFW)

"What the hell is that!" screamed the anus.

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British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

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I hate going through airport security...

For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.

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I said, "Did it hurt?"

She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."

That's when I looked up and realized she's actually fallen out of a window.

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A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

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My girlfriend...

... invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have sex" , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car

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Where ya from Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

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A drunken cowboy...

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat.
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, all right buddy what's your name?
Fred, the cowboy moaned.
Where ya from, Fred? asked the Ranger..
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, the balcony…

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I STARTED MY NEW JOB....


I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."

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I went to my highschool football coach's funeral....

When I got to the casket, I whispered, "You walk it off asshole!"

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At least its thick...

Last night I was making out with this chick when she pulled away for a second and whispered, "Give me eight inches and make it hurt, baby." So, of course, being the gentleman that I am, I stuck my dick in her twice and punched her in the face.

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What's the difference between an orange and an erection?

... I don't have an orange.


My boyfriend's cousin introduced himself to me with this joke. Works best when whispered quietly into someone's ear at a noisy dinner party, FYI.

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I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls

Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You`ll know tonight," he softly whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

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The Lone Ranger..

and Tonto were riding when all of a sudden they were surrounded by Indians. That was when Tonto informed the Lone Ranger that he was tired of being his sidekick and sold him out. Once in captivity the Lone Ranger was given one last request from the Indian chief. He requested to speak to his horse, Silver. He whispered into the horses ear and it took off, later returning with a beautiful naked woman, the Lone Ranger proceed to have sex with her. The Indian chief was very impressed with the feat he had just witnessed but was still going to kill him. The Lone Ranger asked to speak to his horse one more time and the chief obliged. The horse walked over and the Lone Ranger went to his ear and said " POSSE, YOU IDIOT I SAID POSSE!!"

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"You sure are an asshole..."

So this guy was drinking at a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. The man drinking next to him leaned in close and whispered, "Hey, this bartender mixes a drink that makes you fly." In reasonable disbelief, the first patron urges the man to prove his seemingly impossible claim. Without hesitation, the second man says, "Hey bartender, give me my special drink!" The bartender quickly starts shaking up some concoction and hands it to the second man. The man downs the drink and proceeds to open a window, jump out the top floor of the skyscraper, and fly around the building a couple times before landing comfortably back in his barstool. Flabbergasted, the first patron orders the same thing. The first patron then opens the window and jumps out, falling to his death. The bartender looks at the window, then the second man and says:

"You sure are an asshole when you're drunk, Mr. Kent"

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Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common

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A pious man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.



He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"



The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

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Islamic Star Trek?

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in
America ."

The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there
is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

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I had my prostate examined the other day. After it was all over, the doctor left at the same time the nurse came in, and whispered the three words no one wants to hear.

Who was that?

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One I heard at a restaurant

"Am I the first girl you ever kissed?" She whispered softly to her date. "It's possible" he admitted, "Were you at Lake Geneva in 2004?"

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Mr. & Mrs. Egg were on their honeymoon....

Mr and Mrs Egg were on their honeymoon. It came time for sexy times and Mrs Egg leaned into Mr Egg and whispered that she was going to go to the bathroom and slip into something more comfortable... Mr Egg waited on the bed for Mrs Egg to return. Sure enough, five minutes later, she returned wearing the sexiest lingerie Mr Egg had ever seen! At which point Mr Egg ran for the bathroom yelling out to Mrs Egg that he too had to change. A few moments passed and then Mr Egg came crashing out of the bathroom, completely naked except for a hard hat. Mrs Egg said "what the hell are you wearing that for Mr Egg?" He said "I know it's not very sexy but last time I was this hard someone hit me over the head with a spoon!"

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I love how grown up my little child is these days...

... he completely understood & obeyed when I quietly whispered "Go tell mommy you need to have your diaper changed".

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I was at the library and I asker the librarian if I could buy some condoms....

She said, "excuse me sir but you are in a library." I was so embarrassed! So I leaned over the counter and whispered, "*may I please buy some condoms*."

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THE LONE RANGER WAS TIED UP.

BUT HE MANAGED TO WHISPER IN SILVERS EAR,THE HORSE RAN OFF AND RETURNED WITH A GUN,THE RANGER WHISPERED IN SILVERS EAR AGAIN AND AGAIN HE RAN OFF HE CAME BACK WITH A KNIFE, THE RANGER WHISPERED AGAIN THIS TIME SILVER CAME BACK WITH A NAKED GIRL ON HIS BACK AND THE RANGER SCREAMED ...STUPID HORSE I SAID BRING ME THE POSSE! !

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A man is captured by a tribe in New-Guinea

He is brought before the chief. The Chief, surrounded by the entire tribe, looks down and says to him.

Chief: "You have trespassed on our land, you have two choices, death, or **Bubbaluba**."

Man: "Bubbaluba doesn't sound so bad, what is it?"

A tribesman went up to the man and whispered in his ear. The man's expression quickly turned into one of horror.

"Death! I choose death! Anything but Bubbaluba!"

The Chief sat up and and cried to the crowd.

"DEATH! DEATH! DEATH BY BUBBALUBA!"

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"Do you love me, Mulla?" whispered the girl.

"Of course I do," Mulla Nasrudin whispered back.
"Will you marry me then?" she asked.
"Let's not change the subject?" said Nasrudin.

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I met a cute girl last night...

and she took me back to her place. She told me I had to be as quiet as possible as her parents were sound asleep upstairs. "Is it okay if I go to the toilet?" I asked. "We've only got one toilet, which is upstairs, you'll have to tip-toe over to the kitchen and just use the sink." After finishing, I whispered to where she was, "got any toilet role?"

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The Chinese language actually evolved from the English language...

it all started off when one person whispered something to the next person, then he whispered it to someone else, and so on...

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donkey joke

One day a traveler comes into town with his donkey.He offers a pot of gold to anyone who can make his donkey laugh.A local man came and whispered something in the donkey's ear.The donkey bursts out with laughter and the man claims his pot of gold.The next day the traveler comes back and this times he states that he is willing to pay a pot of gold to anyone that can make his donkey cry.The same man came back and showed the donkey something and the donkey started crying.The traveler puzzled decides to ask the local what his secret was.The local replied on the first day I told your donkey that I have bigger penis than him and on the second day I showed him.

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An old lady wanted to travel by bus...

An old lady wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat as she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy". The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said "sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common".

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My girlfriend invited me to her house...

I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have sex?", I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car. I found my gf standing there, she hugged me and said: "You've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car.

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I have a dead pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

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My friend brought over two female friends

My friend brought over two female friends. One was pretty and one happened to be a bit "well-rounded".

After a few beers my friend made a joke about getting military grade weapons through the pretty girl's hook-up. I whispered to my friend "I see, she already brought over a grenade."

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Sam was dying.

His wife, Carol, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held
his fragile hand, with tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Carol," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
In his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Carol.
"Everything's all right, just go to sleep."
No, no. I must die in peace, Carol I...I cheated on you!"
"I know," Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead.
"Just let the poison work".

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A employee didn't show up for work

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME.!!:)

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Stick it out


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she
said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

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My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

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Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

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think about what Richard means.

A psychologist was conducting group therapy with four mothers.
'You are all obsessed' he observed.
To the first mother he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You went so far as to name your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mom. 'Your obsession is shopping.
Again, it is seen in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mom. 'Your obsession is drinking and
your child's name is Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by
the hand and whispered, 'Come with me, Richard, we're going
home!'

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Saving all the seats

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

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The old Priest

In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near.
Yes, Father?" said the Nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the Priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse.
The Nurse had the request sent to the President and Congress and all waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the Priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.
Reid agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?"
The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Reid.
The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."

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Safety feature...

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow,
She's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

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Stand by your man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

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Why aren't there any Muslims on Star Trek?

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what i have seen in America." The General said, "well anything i can do to help"
The Iranian whispered, "my son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is American, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is japanese, but there are no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek.
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future...."

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best whispered jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty whispered gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these whispered jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Whispered jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Whispered joke? You are free to share every Whispered joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

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