Whisper Jokes

Discover a collection of comedic jokes, whispered with a careless and raspy voice that is sure to elicit a groan in your audience. Read through and find the perfect softly spoken joke for any occasion!

Humorous Whisper Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life

Why did the mouse whisper into the elephant's ear?

The giraffe put him up to it.

Wife: "Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."

A joke from Pakistan: What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?

"I'm going to be the mother of your children."

I have no idea whether the joke is lost in translation...

A blonde goes into a library.

She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."

The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"

"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"

jokes about whisper



"Every kiss begins with k"

I whisper to myself as I read the one letter reply from my crush.

Do you know what rodeo sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

Whisper joke, Do you know what rodeo sex is?

A blonde enters a library

She goes up to the librarian and says "I will have a Big Mac, large fry and a coke."

The librarian, a bit confused, says "sorry miss, but this is a library."

The blonde is very embarrassed and says "I'm so sorry," and then proceeds to whisper "I will have a Big Mac, large fry and a coke."

Go up to a guy in a bar and whisper hey do you wanna get out of here?

and if he says yes, you can sit where he was.

A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."

Which E.D. is worst, Erectile Dysfunction or Explosive Diarrhea?

The man blushed and answered in almost a whisper: erectile dysfunction..

The embarassed woman also said: erectile dysfunction.

The butch lesbian hesitantly replied: erectile dysfunction.

The gay guy without hesitation answered: depends if you're top or bottom.

You can explore whisper groan reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean whisper shh dad jokes. There are also whisper puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

A man walks into a library and goes up to the front desk.

He says to the librarian, "Hello, I'll have a Big Mac, Coke, and fries please."

She looks at him confusedly and says, "Sir, this is a library."

He replies in a whisper, ^^"Oh. ^^Sorry. ^^I'll ^^have ^^a ^^Big ^^Mac, ^^Coke, ^^and ^^fries ^^please."

What did the Nihilist whisper into his lover's ear?

Sweet Nothings.

When you are about to tell a racist joke it is always polite to.....

Turn your head and look around first... and remember to whisper for a better effect.

A man walks into a library...

... then walks up to the lady behind the counter and says: 1 Fish and chips please.

The lady says: Sir, this is a library!

The man says "Sorry" and proceeds to whisper: *1 Fish and Chips please.*

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

Whisper joke, An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

Phantom energy

So, our science teacher was teaching us about phantom energy. At one point of the lesson, he puts his phone on the counter and says; "If I leave my phone here it will eventually die."

After a little pause I hear another student whisper and say; "Same with children".

If you see someone doing a crossword puzzle

Whisper in their ear, 7 up is lemonade.

To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"

I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....

How did George Michael speak when he couldn't eat fruit?

In a pear-less whisper.

I'll see myself out.

Apparently Cadbury's are making an oriental chocolate bar

I reckon it's just a Chinese whisper

Dirty Wife!!

A wife says to her husband, "I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

The husband gazingly looks into the eyes of his wife... Kisses her sensually and positions himself behind her....

He then whispers into her ear, "Kitchen, bathroom, living room"

Autopsy confirms George Michael choked on a chocolate bar

It was a Careless Whisper

An old couple is laying in bed when the old lady remembers that she needs some money for groceries...

She whispers into the old man's ear: "Can you lend me $100? ".
The man answers: "Sorry dear but I can't hear you. You know this ear of mine is deaf, try the other ear".
The old lady scoots and whispers into his other ear: "Can you lend me $200?".
The old man is astonished and replies: "Can you whisper into my $100 ear again?"

My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear...

So I leaned forward and said: "dishes, bathroom and laundry."

Dating tip:

Pull out her chair at dinner and whisper, "That's not the only thing I'll be pulling out tonight." Then pull out her napkin like a true gentleman.
(doesn't work at Mc Donalds)

Whisper joke, Dating tip:

I see myself in you.

Whispered the priest from behind the altar boy.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered, as I slid my finger up and down her G string…

She said, "I want my guitar back."

A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.

The librarian says, "this is a library."

The man, says, "oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips."

A Jewish boy got a new German girlfriend

One night, after insane and wild sex, she goes into the shower, and whisper seductively "come join me in the shower, babe".

He frowns "Oh I wont fall for that one again".

Wedding problems...

Every time I go to weddings the older folks poke me in the arm and whisper "that is gonna be you! That is gonna be you!"

So now when I go to funerals I poke them in the arm and say "that is gonna be you!"

Be sure to always whisper while in a corn maze

The walls have ears.

A blond walks into a library while talking on her phone.

When she gets to the front desk she says, "I will have two cheese burgers and s large french fry."

The librarian looks and her and says, "ma'am, this is a library."

The blond looks around and sees all of the shelves full of books. She is very embarrassed, hangs up her phone, and leans forward to whisper, "I will have two cheese burgers and a large fry."

I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"

They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn't think so, it's on a knead to dough basis."

The first rule about Thesaurus club is

that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

Rodeo Sex.

Have you ever tried Rodeo Sex? here is how it goes, you get you're Girlfriend on all fours and mount her, you push in as far as you can and hold on real tight, you then whisper in her ear, you are not as good as you're Sister, see how long you can stay on..

Dirty things

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear !

Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room...

A blonde walked into a library

Wait that's not the whole joke!

And she asked the librarian, Do you have pasta?
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered, Miss, this is library.
The blonde whisper, Do you have pasta?

A Texan at the Grand Canyon

I had a Slovakian friend who toured the Grand Canyon on his American holiday in a group with a Texan in it. They're standing on the precipice watching a sunset over the vast Southwest pastel and neon sky, when the Texan points to the stunning, striated canyon walls below and utters to my friend in a whisper, You know, I could fix that hole.

Rodeo Sex

When you're making love to your girl doggy style and bend over and whisper in her ear, this is how your sister likes it too , and try and hold on for 8 seconds.

One kid always embarrasses his mum...

the young boy was too loud, whenever he wanted to be taken to the toilet he shout out to his mum inappropriately "Mum I wanna pee". The mother got embarrassed everytime he said that specially infront of friends or family, so she taught him to use the word "whisper" instead of "pee".
Once in a family meeting...
kid shouts: I wanna whisper
the grandfather replied: Come whisper in my ears son.

I gave my girlfriend the last of my pancake today

She leaned over in a whisper and said,

I honestly didn't expect it and I almost died.

A man walks into the bar and takes a stool next to a duck on the bar...

Man: what's with the duck?
Bartender: oh he's magic
M: what?
B: magic... So you whisper your greatest desire in his ear and immediately he grants it
M: no way
B: try it!

The man leans into the ducks ear and whispers something and *poof* a small man in a suit with tails and a white bow tie appears on the bar.

M: well it must be broken because I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist...

I like to whisper romantic things after sex

Like Hey... go home

I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

Next time you are with your girl try this new position.

It's called the bucking bronco. It's where you go doggy style then lean over and whisper another girls name in her ear and see how long you can stay on...

A kid at church with his parents turned to his mom and said mom I have to go pee she looked back and said we're in church don't say pee say whisper

So the next weekend he looked at his dad and said dad I need to whisper and his dad said do it in my ear

A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

Pssst… that color looks nice on you.

He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.

"Let's take this to the bedroom"

I whisper to my snacks

Little Johnny and his mother were on a train.........

Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother's ear.

Johnny, how many times have I told you, said his mother, it's rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.

OK, said Johnny, why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, Pssst…I like your tie. The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

Pssst…that color looks nice on you.

He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.

On date nights, I lean over to my girlfriend, and in a sugary voice I say: null, nada, nix, naught, zilch, zero

Because she likes it when I whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

Why do golf announcers whisper?

Because they don't want to wake up the people watching.

I whisper my sins to crows

So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, I'll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says, Ma'am, this is a library.
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, I'll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Was at the vet last week....

Was at the vet last week and struck up a conversation with an older gent sitting next to me. A few mins into our conversation a green snake pokes its head out of his pocket and says "Woof!"

I looked with shock and asked his "What was that?"

He says 'oh, it's my pet snake'

'Whats he here for?' I asked

He answered in a whisper "He has E-reptile dysfunction!"

A man rushed to his friend after reading the newspaper

The man said to his friend, with his face drained of color, and said;

This news might be difficult for you to hear said the man

His friend thought to himself, nervous about what it could be.

What is it? The friend said

The man murmured to himself, barely above the whisper.

His friend said,

Well what is it?

The man said

I knew it

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds he hears a whisper: "Pssst... I like your tie."

He looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst... "that color looks nice on you"

The man asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but... are you speaking to me?"

The bartender rolls his eyes, saying, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are they doing?" I asked

"They're talking to the policemen" he replied, still in a very faint whisper.

"What are the policemen doing there?" I asked

"Looking for me" he whispered

My wife just phoned me and said that her car has broken down.

I told her to whisper it some words of encouragement.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

that you do not talk, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, prattle, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse, discourse, orate or speak about Thesaurus Club.

The Library

This is one of my favorite jokes that NOBODY ever thinks is funny. It is funnier when spoken, but since I have no friends, Reddit will have to do.

Here it goes:

A guy walks into a library. He strolls up to the counter and looks at the librarian dead in the eyes and screams MA'AM I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER A LARGE FRY AND A LARGE MILKSHAKE PLEASE!!!

The librarian shushes him and sternly says in a whisper, Sir! This is a library!

The man immediately apologizes and whispers,

So sorry, I'll have a cheeseburger a large fry and a large milkshake please

A man enters (not a bar) a bank...

... in Switzerland. "Shhh" he whispers, "I want to open an account with one million Dollars!"

"No need to whisper" says the teller, "poverty is no reason for shame in Switzerland".

An old man walks into a library

He walks up to the librarian and says Get me a scotch.
The librarian says, Sir this is a library, not a bar.
Oh I'm sorry. the old man replies, and he leans in to whisper *Get me a scotch*

Did you hear about the Mexican George Michael tribute act?

He's called Carlos Whisper

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the whisper heard puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working whisper careless whisper piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes