whisky Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious whisky puns

Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.


First Blowjob

A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"

The man replies, "First blowjob today."

The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me."

"No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."


Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?


What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...

A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.


I like my men like I like my whisky

Inside me until I can't remember my name


God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"

"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"

"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"


A cowboy comes into a bar just a-whoopin' and a-hollerin'

Cowboy: "Line me up four shots of whisky".

Barkeep: "What are you celebrating?".

Cowboy: "My first blowjob".

Barkeep: "Hell, have another shot on the house".

Cowboy: "Well, if four shots don't get this awful taste out of my mouth, I'm not sure five will either".


Man offers a drink to a woman at a party.

Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
Man: Legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
Woman: No, they spread.


That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,

"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"


A man walks into a bar...

.. orders 9 shots of whisky from the barman..

The barman asks "Are you celebrating something?"
"Yes", he says "My first blowjob"
"Congratulations, let me get you the 10th drink on the house!"
"Thanks, but if 9 shots won't get rid of the taste I don't think the tenth will either"


The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.


"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.


I like my women like I like my whisky

18 years old and mixed up in coke


A door to door salesman knocks on a door...

An 8 year old kid wearing a fur coat, his boxers smoking a cigar with a glass of whisky opens the door.

Saleman- are you parents home?

Kid-What do you fucking think?


A nun walks into a bar

"A bottle of whisky please." The nun asks.

"No, sorry I can't sell whisky to a nun, You understand sis..."

"Mary Clarence." The nun interrupts. "It's not for me, but for mother superior."

The barman let's down his gaurd and agrees. When his shift ends he finds the nun drunk, half naked and dancing in the streets.

"For shame, Mary Clarence! I thought you said the whisky was for mother superior!"

"Oh and it is, she's constipated, but when she sees me she'll shit her pants!"


A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms.


A man goes to a bar

A man goes to a bar. He just had a fight with his wife and he want to drown his worries in whisky.

As he drinks, his worries fade away. Soon enough, he is piss-drunk and then he realizes: "Holy shit, my wife is going to kill me! It's almost the middle of the dawn and I'm here, shitfaced and far from home"

So he get up to leave, only to fall face-first on the floor immediately. He can't even walk. "fcknn damnit", the man wisely slurs to himself. He ends up dragging himself with his bare fucking hands all the way home. He doesn't want to wake up his wife, so he just let himself drift away in the couch when he finally arrives.

The next morning, when they wake up, his wife is pissed. He is pissed too, but in a less metaphorical way.

"You spent the night in the bar, didn't you, you little shit" the wife throws at him.

"No, I didn't! I swear!"

"Don't lie to me, dammit! The barman called, you forgot your wheelchair there!"


I'm on a whisky diet.

I've lost three days already.


Two men are robbing a liquor store...

The other one asks: "Isn't this whisky?"

The other answers: "Well, it's less whisky than a bank whobbewy."


An old woman drinks whisky for the first time.

She thinks for a while, and then says: Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!


A rough and tough cowboy hitches his horse outside a saloon.

Spurs ringing up the stairs, the door swings open and he sits down on a stool. "gimme a beer, bottle of whisky". After he drinks his fair share we walks back out to unhitch his horse. A second later, the swinging doors bust open and a bullet tears through the roof. "All right you sons of bitches! Who's the coward that stole my horse!" The bar fell silent, some ducked under tables. "No one!?" He shouted. "I'm gonna have another beer and a shot, and if my horse ain't back out there when I'm dun... I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Odessa, an I dun don't wanna do what I had to do back in Odessa...." He said coldly. Some of the locals shifted restlessly, and after the cowboy finished his drinks he walked back outside. Low and behold his horse was out there. He started saddling him up, hopped on and was getting ready to spur out of town when the bar keep spoke up. "H-h-hey m-m-mister?" He stuttered. "W-w-what did you have to do back in Odessa?" The cowboy flicked his cigar, "I had to walk home."


I like my women like I like my whisky...

14 years old and full of coke.


A grandfather and grandson go to a shopping mall...

All of a sudden the grandson turns around and looks around and realizes he can't find his grandpa. A security guard comes up to this little boy and asks...
"Can I help you boy?"
The little boy reply's "I cant find my grandpa!"
So then the security guard asks "Well, whats his name?"
So then the guard ask's, "OK, Well, whats he like?"
The little boy stands there and thinks for a few seconds and says "Crown Royal Whisky, and ladies with big tits."

My Grandma told me this joke a few years ago, it's my favorite!


Two Chinese men break into a distillery

One turns to the other and says is this whiskey? The other replies yes, but not a whisky as wobbing a bank.


The wife comes home......

The wife comes to home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, twho bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.

Husband: Are we expecting guests today?

Wife : Nope..

Husband : Then why did you buy so much bread?


Poor McGregor can't catch a break

A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him
strikes up a conversation:

You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands.
But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-maker?' No.

And he takes a drink of his whisky.

You see the beautiful bar you're seated at? I planed it down with me own achin' back.
But do they call me 'McGregor the Bar-maker?' No.

And he takes a drink of his whisky.

You see that long, stone fence in the distance? I built that fence by meself, stone upon stone.
But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-maker?' No.

And he takes a drink of his whisky.

But you fuck one goat...


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in.

The Englishman requests a year's supply of cigarettes, so he's given the cartons and he too is locked up.

When it's time to let them out, they open the Scot's door, he stumbles out shouting "FREEDOM!" before he collapses and dies of alcohol poisoning.

Paddy is dragged out into the light, where he soon dies of a busted liver.

When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everyone waits eagerly to see what sort of state he's gotten himself into. To their surprise, he walks right out, scoots up to the nearest person and asks, "I say, you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?"


The whole pack

This guy caught me having sex with his daughter, and he was furious.

He said, "I'm not going to go easy on you, son. Nobody ever went easy on me. When I was a kid, my father caught me smoking a cigarette, and he made me smoke the whole pack right in front of him. When my mother caught me drinking whisky from the cabinet, she made me drink the entire bottle down to the last drop."

I said, "I think I see where you're going with this. How many kids do you have?"



A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him strikes up a conversation.

You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot.
I built that pier with me own bare hands.
But do they call me 'MacGregor the Pier-maker?' No.
And he takes a drink of his whisky.

You see the beautiful bar you're seated at?
I planed it down with me own achin' back.
But do they call me 'MacGregor the Bar-maker?' No. No!
And he takes a drink of his whisky.

You see that long, stone fence in the distance?
I built that fence by meself, stone upon stone.
But do they call me 'MacGregor the Fence-maker?' No. No! NO!
And he takes a drink of his whisky.

But you fook one goat.................


Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

"That will be $0.05 please sir".

"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too"

"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir".

"Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps".

"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together".

"This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I'd like to thank him".

"Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife".

"...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?"

"Same thing I am doing down here with his business".


A nun walks into a liquor store . . .

and asks for a bottle of whisky.

The owner is shocked. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."

The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper: "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

"Oh, well, that's a different story," the owner says. He wraps up a bottle of his best and hands it to her, waving away her attempt to pay for it.

On his way home, he walks past the convent and sees the nun, drunk as a skunk, doing cartwheels on the lawn. He runs up to her. "Sister, how could you? You said the whisky was to help your Mother Superior's constipation!"

"It will, it will," the nun mutters. "When she sees me, she's just going to shit!"


I like my whisky like I like my women

Aged 12 years in a cellar.


A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a whisky and….......... soda." The bartender says: "Why the big pause?" "Dunno" says the bear. "I've always had them."


A man rushes into a bar...

... and tells the bartender to quickly give him a shot of the finest whisky. The bartender complies and watches the strange man down it just as soon as it hit the bar.

"Another one! Fast!" the man demanded, and again the bartender complied. After three more rounds, curiosity gets the better of the bartender.

"Why are you downing them so fast? What's your hurry?" asked the bartender.

"If you knew what I had, you'd be in a hurry too!"

"What do you have?" the bartender asked.

The man drank down his last swallow and said, "No money."


A husband was sipping his whiskey...

while sitting in the balcony with his wife and he says,

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Wife asks, "Is that you, or the whisky talking?"

Husband replies, "It's me..... talking to the whisky...


What are the most funny Whisky jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Whisky? Well, here are the best Whisky dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Whisky pick up lines to share with friends.

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