Whisky Jokes

What are some Whisky jokes?

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...

A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

I like my men like I like my whisky

Inside me until I can't remember my name

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"

"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"

"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"

Man offers a drink to a woman at a party.

Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
Man: Legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
Woman: No, they spread.

That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,

"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"

The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms.

Two men are robbing a liquor store...

The other one asks: "Isn't this whisky?"

The other answers: "Well, it's less whisky than a bank whobbewy."

An old woman drinks whisky for the first time.

She thinks for a while, and then says: Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!

I like my women like I like my whisky...

14 years old and full of coke.

Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night

The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate . The other man gratefully takes a big swig and passes it back. The first man caps the bottle and starts to put it away when the other says aren't you going to have one? He says no, I'm gonna wait for the police to get here .

Two Chinese men break into a distillery

One turns to the other and says is this whiskey? The other replies yes, but not a whisky as wobbing a bank.

The wife comes home......

The wife comes to home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, twho bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.

Husband: Are we expecting guests today?

Wife : Nope..


Husband : Then why did you buy so much bread?

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in.

The Englishman requests a year's supply of cigarettes, so he's given the cartons and he too is locked up.

When it's time to let them out, they open the Scot's door, he stumbles out shouting "FREEDOM!" before he collapses and dies of alcohol poisoning.

Paddy is dragged out into the light, where he soon dies of a busted liver.

When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everyone waits eagerly to see what sort of state he's gotten himself into. To their surprise, he walks right out, scoots up to the nearest person and asks, "I say, you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?"

The whole pack

This guy caught me having sex with his daughter, and he was furious.

He said, "I'm not going to go easy on you, son. Nobody ever went easy on me. When I was a kid, my father caught me smoking a cigarette, and he made me smoke the whole pack right in front of him. When my mother caught me drinking whisky from the cabinet, she made me drink the entire bottle down to the last drop."

I said, "I think I see where you're going with this. How many kids do you have?"

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

"That will be $0.05 please sir".

"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too"

"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir".

"Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps".

"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together".

"This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I'd like to thank him".

"Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife".

"...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?"

"Same thing I am doing down here with his business".

I like my whisky like I like my women

Aged 12 years in a cellar.

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a whisky and….......... soda." The bartender says: "Why the big pause?" "Dunno" says the bear. "I've always had them."

A man rushes into a bar...

... and tells the bartender to quickly give him a shot of the finest whisky. The bartender complies and watches the strange man down it just as soon as it hit the bar.

"Another one! Fast!" the man demanded, and again the bartender complied. After three more rounds, curiosity gets the better of the bartender.

"Why are you downing them so fast? What's your hurry?" asked the bartender.

"If you knew what I had, you'd be in a hurry too!"

"What do you have?" the bartender asked.

The man drank down his last swallow and said, "No money."

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping...

After dinner, they drink some whisky and fall asleep in their tent. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and asks Watson if he sees anything particular.

Watson:
Holmes:

Watson:

Holmes:

Sorry for the poor english, but it's not my native language.

A husband was sipping his whiskey...

while sitting in the balcony with his wife and he says,

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Wife asks, "Is that you, or the whisky talking?"

Husband replies, "It's me..... talking to the whisky...

Finest whisky! NSFW (Long)

Paddy finds bottle on beach. Rubs it and Genie appears and offers him one wish. "I'd like to pee the finest Irish whisky," says Paddy.

"Granted!", says the Genie. Paddy pees in a cup, tastes it and is taken aback. "This is the finest whisky I've ever tasted." He rushes home, tells his wife (who is a bit dubious at first -- but when he finally tries a sip, she agrees that it's the best whisky she's ever tasted.) They spend the night sipping the limitless supply of free whisky.

Next night Paddy comes home from work and his wife tells him she has two large glasses ready on the kitchen table. "We'll only need one," says Paddy. "You're drinking straight from the bottle tonight!"

I like my women like I like my whisky...

22 years old and mixed with coke.

A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat.

The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."

Young guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of whisky

Barman serves them up and watches as the guy starts drinking them methodically, one after another, until he finishes the last one. The barman can't help but ask 'what's all the whisky for son?' so the guy, with his head on the bar, looks up weakly and says 'my first blowjob'. The barman cracks a huge smile, pours another whisky, slides it over the bar and says 'this one's on me son'.

'Thanks, but if twelve won't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think thirteen will'

I like my girls like I like my whisky...

twelve years old and mixed up in coke.

I met Lance Armstrong after a party

Me: So, Lance, how was the party?
Lance (Pensively glancing at the whisky): I had a ball.

The wife came home with four cases of beer,

*The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of vodka, two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread*

*"Are we expecting guests?" He asked.*

*"No," she replied.*

*"Then why did you buy so much bread..!!

A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

I want to start my own distillery, but i'm a bit hesitant....

it's a whisky business.

An Ewok walks into a bar...

An Ewok strolls into a bar and says to the bartender, I'll have a whisky and …… soda.

The bartender says, Sure thingβ€”but why the little pause?

Dunno, says the Ewok. I've had them all my life.

Worming

Will was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curled up and died.

'All right, son', asked Will, 'what does that show you?'

'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.'

A man want to be a trapper, so he goes to the trapper's association to know how he can become one. There is only one old man inside, and he tell him:

"That is very simple, you see, you must go through these 3 rooms. In the first one, there is a bottle of whisky : you drink it. In the second one, there is a bear : you strangle it. In the third one, there is a indian woman : you rape her. So the wannabe trapper go inside the first room and go out a minute later, staggering a bit. He go into the second room, there are horrible noise for 15 minutes. Finally, he go out, with his clothes ripped, shouting: "THAT'S DONE, NOW WHERE IS THE INDIAN WOMAN I MUST STRANGLE"

Is it whisky?

Two Chinese men break into a Scottish Distillery. One turns to the other and says "is it whisky?". His accomplice turns to him and says "yes! But not as whisky as wobbing a bank".

An Irishman and an Englishman are sitting in a bar.

The Irishman raises his shotglass and announces, "If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all the world!"

The Englishman raises his glass and replies, "If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all of Ireland."

A SEO expert walks into a bar

Bar, bars, pub, lounge, restaurant, beer garden, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, beer, wine, whisky

A bear walks into a bar

And asks the bartender,
"I'll have a...
...
Whisky"
The bartender says, "why the big paws"

Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition

It's called Whisky Business

A bear walks into a bar

And orders a whisky and
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Coke

Bartender: Why the big pause?

Bear: I don't know. I was just born with them

Macduff was on his deathbed.

He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."

Macleod nodded solemnly, and then asked,

"Can I filter it through my kidneys first?'

Dont't drink and drive, it's very...

whisky!

A white horse walks into a bar...

'Hello' said the barman, 'what can I get you?'

'I'll have a whisky if I may.'

'Certainly sir, which would you fancy?'

'Well, I'm not sure, what do you have?'

'Ah, let's see, we have Black & White or Cutty Sark - we even have one named after you sir.'

'Really? Eric?'

Obama dies and then visits in an NY bar

So Obama dies and goes to Haeven. And after a while he becomes curious and is allowed to spend an hour in NY.
He goes to a bar and while ordering a whisky asks the bartender how things go.
Like "what is going on with Iraq and Syria?"
- Oh, all is fine: they are ours. And even half of China is ours. - answers the guy.
Obama:
- Nice to hear it. So how much does this whiskey cost?
- 2.50 Rubel. Without the ice.

What do you say when a stirring utensil is doing something unsafe?

Hey that's whisky behavior

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat....

He pins it in one go...

He orders another... pins that too..

After about 4 whiskys, the barman asks him "whats up?"

"Im after having my first blo job" says the guy..

"Ah good man..", says the barman.."here, have this whisky on the house..congratulations!!"

The guy replies " if 4 didnt get the taste out of my mouth, I dont think a fifth will help!!"

*A Man offers whisky to a woman* who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.

*Woman*: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "

*Man*: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "

*Woman*: "No ! They open easily !!! "

I've been sitting, drinking and thinking.

Everything in the universe is made of whisky or not made of whisky.

Man walks into a bar

"2 whisky, 1 pint and 3 brandy"

Drinks all and takes the bottle of whisky and continues to fill and drink.

Barman " WOAHHH Slow down pal take it easy, what's the problem?"

Man " I only have Β£1.60"

Liver

Doctor: You are in trouble, your liver is enlarged

Patient: Does that mean I have more space for whisky now?

Never beat eggs while drunk...

It's incredibly whisky.

I like my women how I like my whisky

12 years old and Scottish

Tom Cruise starts a cooking show...

"Whisky Business."

Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right?
Right?

My newest relationship is on the rocks

But I can't complain, I knew it was whisky from the beginning.

A man walks into a bar after a Break-up..

He asks for two shots. The bartender asks "What'll it be? Whisky or vodka?"
He replies

"Nine millimeter please."

What did Batman give Doctor Freeze with his whisky?

Just-ice

Back in the day, I took $5 to the store and came out with..

3 bags of chips, a pack of snickers, 2 bottles of coke, a newspaper and a bottle of whisky.
And today? CCTVs everywhere!

I like my women like I like my whisky...

Put in a barrel and left for twenty years.

The kitchen I work at banned use from using whisks

They said it was too whisky.

A baseball player walking into a bar

He tries to take a shot of whisky but ends up splashing it all over his shirt.
A baseball commentator from the other side of the bar says "A swig and a miss!"

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a single sip of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.

The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.

Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

How to make Whisky puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Whisky to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Whisky? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Whisky pick up lines to share with friends.

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