Whisky Jokes

95 whisky jokes and hilarious whisky puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about whisky that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

If you are looking for a good laugh, check out our collection of whisky jokes. From Scottish whisky to Irish whiskey to Bourbon and Guiness, these jokes will have you rolling in stitches. If you love whisky and jokes, you won't want to miss this!

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Funniest Whisky Short Jokes

Short whisky jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The whisky humour may include short whiskey jokes also.

  1. Two men are robbing a liquor store… One says, 'Is this whisky?'
    'Yes', the other replies, 'but not as whisky as wobbing a bank'
  2. What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky? A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...
    A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.
  3. Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty? Me : It's because you're a pessimist.
  4. Man offers a drink to a woman at a party. Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
    Man: Legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
    Woman: No, they spread.
  5. Two men are robbing a liquor store... The other one asks: "Isn't this whisky?"
    The other answers: "Well, it's less whisky than a bank whobbewy."
  6. An old woman drinks whisky for the first time. She thinks for a while, and then says: Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!
  7. Two Chinese men break into a distillery One turns to the other and says is this whiskey? The other replies yes, but not a whisky as wobbing a bank.
  8. A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a whisky and….......... soda." The bartender says: "Why the big pause?" "Dunno" says the bear. "I've always had them."
  9. Is it whisky? Two Chinese men break into a Scottish Distillery. One turns to the other and says "is it whisky?". His accomplice turns to him and says "yes! But not as whisky as wobbing a bank".
  10. Underage drinking is a big issue in my house. My son is drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.
    Honestly, he's the dumbest ten-year-old I've ever met.

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Whisky One Liners

Which whisky one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with whisky? I can suggest the ones about irish whiskey and vodka.

  1. I like my men like I like my whisky Inside me until I can't remember my name
  2. I like my women like I like my whisky... 14 years old and full of coke.
  3. Why does a sensible man not order a double bourbon? Because it's two whisky.
  4. I like my whisky like I like my women Aged 12 years in a cellar.
  5. I like my relationships like my whisky On the rocks
  6. I like my women like I like my whisky... 22 years old and mixed with coke.
  7. I like my girls like I like my whisky... twelve years old and mixed up in coke.
  8. I want to start my own distillery, but i'm a bit hesitant.... it's a whisky business.
  9. What does Daredevil take with his whisky? JUST ICE
  10. Dont't drink and drive, it's very... whisky!
  11. I like my women how I like my whisky 12 years old and Scottish
  12. Never beat eggs while drunk... It's incredibly whisky.
  13. What did Batman give Doctor Freeze with his whisky? Just-ice
  14. The kitchen I work at banned use from using whisks They said it was too whisky.
  15. I like my women like I like my whisky... Put in a barrel and left for twenty years.

Scotch Whisky Jokes

Here is a list of funny scotch whisky jokes and even better scotch whisky puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why is Irish whiskey better than Scotch whisky? It's got an e in it
Whisky joke, Why is Irish whiskey better than Scotch whisky?

Cheerful Fun Whisky Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about whisky you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean liquor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make whisky pranks.

I met Lance Armstrong after a party

Me: So, Lance, how was the party?
Lance (Pensively glancing at the whisky): I had a ball.

A white horse walks into a bar...

'Hello' said the barman, 'what can I get you?'
'I'll have a whisky if I may.'
'Certainly sir, which would you fancy?'
'Well, I'm not sure, what do you have?'
'Ah, let's see, we have Black & White or Cutty Sark - we even have one named after you sir.'
'Really? Eric?'

The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a single sip of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.
The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.
Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,
"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"


Will was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curled up and died.
'All right, son', asked Will, 'what does that show you?'
'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.'

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

Why don't insurance agents like bakers?

They are far too whisk-y.

An Irishman and an Englishman are sitting in a bar.

The Irishman raises his shotglass and announces, "If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all the world!"
The Englishman raises his glass and replies, "If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all of Ireland."

The wife comes home......

The wife comes to home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, twho bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.
Husband: Are we expecting guests today?
Wife : Nope..
Husband : Then why did you buy so much bread?


Doctor: You are in trouble, your liver is enlarged
Patient: Does that mean I have more space for whisky now?

Tom Cruise starts a cooking show...

"Whisky Business."
Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right?

My newest relationship is on the rocks

But I can't complain, I knew it was whisky from the beginning.

Man walks into a bar

"2 whisky, 1 pint and 3 brandy"
Drinks all and takes the bottle of whisky and continues to fill and drink.
Barman " WOAHHH Slow down pal take it easy, what's the problem?"
Man " I only have £1.60"

A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms.

The wife came home with four cases of beer,

*The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of v**..., two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread*
*"Are we expecting guests?" He asked.*
*"No," she replied.*
*"Then why did you buy so much bread..!!

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

An Ewok walks into a bar...

An Ewok strolls into a bar and says to the bartender, I'll have a whisky and …… soda.
The bartender says, Sure thing—but why the little pause?
Dunno, says the Ewok. I've had them all my life.

A husband was sipping his whiskey...

while sitting in the balcony with his wife and he says,
"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Wife asks, "Is that you, or the whisky talking?"
Husband replies, "It's me..... talking to the whisky...

A baseball player walking into a bar

He tries to take a shot of whisky but ends up splashing it all over his shirt.
A baseball commentator from the other side of the bar says "A swig and a miss!"

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"

The whole pack

This guy caught me having s**... with his daughter, and he was furious.
He said, "I'm not going to go easy on you, son. Nobody ever went easy on me. When I was a kid, my father caught me smoking a cigarette, and he made me smoke the whole pack right in front of him. When my mother caught me drinking whisky from the cabinet, she made me drink the entire bottle down to the last drop."
I said, "I think I see where you're going with this. How many kids do you have?"

*A Man offers whisky to a woman* who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.

*Woman*: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "
*Man*: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "
*Woman*: "No ! They open easily !!! "

Macduff was on his deathbed.

He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."
Macleod nodded solemnly, and then asked,
"Can I filter it through my kidneys first?'

What do you say when a stirring utensil is doing something unsafe?

Hey that's whisky behavior

A man walks into a bar after a Break-up..

He asks for two shots. The bartender asks "What'll it be? Whisky or v**...?"
He replies
"Nine millimeter please."

A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

A bear walks into a bar

And asks the bartender,
"I'll have a...
The bartender says, "why the big paws"

Obama dies and then visits in an NY bar

So Obama dies and goes to Haeven. And after a while he becomes curious and is allowed to spend an hour in NY.
He goes to a bar and while ordering a whisky asks the bartender how things go.
Like "what is going on with Iraq and Syria?"
- Oh, all is fine: they are ours. And even half of China is ours. - answers the guy.
- Nice to hear it. So how much does this whiskey cost?
- 2.50 Rubel. Without the ice.

Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition

It's called Whisky Business

A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat.

The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."

I've been sitting, drinking and thinking.

Everything in the universe is made of whisky or not made of whisky.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.
And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

A bear walks into a bar

And orders a whisky and
Bartender: Why the big pause?
Bear: I don't know. I was just born with them

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat....

He pins it in one go...
He orders another... pins that too..
After about 4 whiskys, the barman asks him "whats up?"
"Im after having my first blo job" says the guy..
"Ah good man..", says the barman.."here, have this whisky on the house..congratulations!!"
The guy replies " if 4 didnt get the taste out of my mouth, I dont think a fifth will help!!"

A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What's got you down" The man says I just found out my Niece is gay. The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks What's got you down now?

The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says My wife does.

My cake day

I don't have a meme
I've been in quarantine
So I just hope this little rap
Will set you all in snap....
I've been drinking my weight in whisky

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky
On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky
So I decided to drink it all at once right there
It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

My son was mixing the pancake batter with a whisk in both hands while he was helping my wife make Father's Day breakfast.

I gasped and said, honey, do you really think you should be letting him do that? That looks two whisk-y!

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;
‟That will be $0.05 please sir .
‟Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too
‟Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir .
‟Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps .
‟0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together .
‟This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I would like to thank him .
‟Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife .
‟...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?
‟Same thing I'm doing down here with his business .

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and v**....

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

I didn't feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn't so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.
I guess more just grain.
Fermented grain.
Distilled, fermented grain.
I had whisky for dinner tonight.

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, Are you an alcoholic?
The horse replies, I don't think I am. The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.
Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition Cogito ergo sum , or I think, therefore I am. If this was to be explained at the start of the joke though, it wouldn't work. It would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot..

The bartender hands him a shot of whisky, the guy drinks it down, looks at something in his shirt pocket, then orders another one.
The bartender gives him the 2nd shot, and same thing, guy drinks it, looks in his shirt pocket then immediately orders another.
After 5 more shots, the bartender can't take the mystery any more, and says to the guys "You keep looking at something in your shirt pocket every time you take a drink, what do you have in there?"
The guys says, "It's a picture of my wife. I keep drinking until she looks good then I go home."

Three UDP packets walk into a bar

The first says "I'll have a beer"
The third says "I'll have a whisky"
The second says "I'll have wine"
The barman asks what they want to drink

Risky Whisky

A guy in a bar approaches an attractive woman and asks, "Can I buy you a whiskey?" She thinks for a second and answers, "No, you can't. Whiskey is bad for my legs." He says, "That's a shame, do they swell?"
The woman replies, "No, they open."

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"
"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

A bear walks into a bar

He says to the bartender: I'll have a beer………………and a shot of whisky . The bartender says: sure, but what's with the big pause? The bear says: I don't know, I was born with them

My wife told me to beat some eggs, but I said I couldn't.

It was too whisky of a maneuver.

A Man Rushes Into A Bar And Says

Quick! Give me a pint of lager, and then a whisky, then another pint and another whisky, then a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, another pint, another whisky, and finally a pint and a whisky
As fast as the bartender is pouring the drinks, the man is knocking them back, one after the other.
The bartender says You okay mate? What's brought this on?
The man replies Man, I should *NOT* be drinking all this with what I've got…
My god replies the bartender, what have you got??
Man replies About five bucks..

A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.

The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"
The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"
The Bishop nods his head yes.
The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky "

Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!

A man walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!"
"Before what gets started?"
"Never mind, just give me a whisky, quick!"
It sounds urgent, so the barman gives him a drink.
The customer downs it in one gulp and says, "Another, quick, before it gets started!"
The barman gives him another whisky.
But when the man asks for a third one he says, "Hang on, when are you going to pay for these?"
"Oh here we go," says the man, "It's started."

A bear walks into a bar and orders a whisky with.. cola.

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know" replies the bear. "I was born with them."

It was raining hard...

...and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood by the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the puddle.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
'Poor old fool,' thought the gentleman. So he invited him into the pub for a drink.
Just to start a conversation while they sipped their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And so how many have you caught?'
"You're the eighth."

Heard about the time the Southerner drank too much whisky and suffered ED?

It was *the Night They Drove Old Dixie Down*.

Whisky joke, Heard about the time the Southerner drank too much whisky and suffered ED?

jokes about whisky