whiskey Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious whiskey puns

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

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I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help?

I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.

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Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

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I like my women like I like my whiskey...

WITHOUT BRIAN'S FUCKING DICK IN IT, JENNY.

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Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

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A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks what is the occasion.

The man replies 'his first blowjob'

The bartender congrats him and offers to buy him another shot

The man says that is unnecessary, if ten shots doesn't get the taste out of his mouth, one more won't make a difference.

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a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

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10 shots of whiskey please!

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "No money."

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another. The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that." The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too." The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"

The man replies "about $.50".

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Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"

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A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

After the airplane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather let a dozen whores rape me than let alcohol touch my lips"

The Irishman then handed his drink back and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

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What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...

A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

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twelve year old son

I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today, a man told the barman after his second whiskey.

That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it? The barman said.

Not on fucking eBay it isn't!

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A man drunkenly walks into his wife's room...

He loudly proclaims, "I have no idea how I could live without you!"

Flustered, the wife asks, "Is that you talking or the whiskey talking?"

"It's me talking to the whiskey."

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to help cope with his loss Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old whiskey

she didn't like it

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A guys walks into a bar...

...and sits down at the bar. He orders a whiskey and begins to drink. He looks up and notices a monkey.

"What's with the monkey?" he asks the barkeep.

"Well, watch this." The bartender pulls a stick from behind the bar and whacks the monkey. The monkey climbs down and gives the bartender a blowjob.

"Wanna give it a try?" the bartender asks the man.

"Sure. Just don't hit me so hard with stick!"

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If my wife made whiskey, I'd love her still.

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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

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An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.

The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.

The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores!" he shouts back.

The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

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A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other on a plane

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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An Irishman and a Mormon are on a plane.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores".


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."

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A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

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A traveling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door.

A 10 year old boy answers the door in a dress and bra with a cigar in one hand and whiskey in the other. The traveling salesman asks, "Excuse me, are your parents home?"
The boy responds, "What the fuck do you think??"

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ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...

Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.

"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"

"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."

"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"

"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"

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The man says to the bartender...

"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"

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I caught my twelve-year-old son.......

looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

"Not on eBay it isn't!" I said.

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A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

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A bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and.... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear then answered. "I'm not sure, I was born with them."

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He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.

A time traveler walks into a bar.

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Secret to Long Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

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I like my women like I like my whiskey

15 years old and mixed up in coke.

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Jesus turned water into wine

I turned a paycheck into whiskey. Your move Jesus.

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Kevin Spacey likes his guys like he likes his whiskey...

12 years old and in a barrel, OR 18 years old and full of coke.

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What are the most funny Whiskey jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Whiskey? Well, here are the best Whiskey dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Whiskey pick up lines to share with friends.

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