Whiskey Jokes
157 whiskey jokes and hilarious whiskey puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about whiskey that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A perfect way to get the party started: Whiskey Jokes! We've got you covered with hilarious jokes about whiskey sours, whiskey birthdays, whiskey barrels, whiskey ups, Irish whiskeys, Scotch downs and more. Ready to raise that drink in the air? Let's get started!
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Funniest Whiskey Short Jokes
Short whiskey jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The whiskey humour may include short whisky jokes also.
- I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke. - I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
- Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?" The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
- Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank." - My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink canadian whiskey. I am still mean but I am sorry, too.
- I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
- So Daffy duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: Is this Whiskey? Elmer says: Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!
- What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky? A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...
A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous. - A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey. He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"
- Two Robbers hold up a liquor store One of them picks up a bottle and asked, "Is this Whiskey?!". The other one replies "Well not as whiskey as wobbing a bank".
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Whiskey One Liners
Which whiskey one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with whiskey? I can suggest the ones about liquor and vodka.
- I like my women like I like my coffee ... ... Irish and stinking of whiskey.
- She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter but he loved her still.
- to help cope with his loss Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old whiskey she didn't like it
- If my wife made whiskey, I'd love her still.
- I like my women how I like my whiskey Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
- He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. A time traveler walks into a bar.
- I like my women like I like my whiskey 15 years old and mixed up in coke.
- Jesus turned water into wine I turned a paycheck into whiskey. Your move Jesus.
- I'm on a whiskey diet... I've lost three days already.
- I like my coffee like I like my women... Full of whiskey.
- What did the judge order in his whiskey? Just ice
- I like my women like I like my whiskey Incapable of loving me back
- I'm on a whiskey diet So far I've lost two weeks
- I am doing a new Whiskey diet and it is working. So far I have lost 7 days
- She was just a humble whiskey maker. He loved her still.
Whiskey Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny whiskey up jokes and even better whiskey up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and.... cola." "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear then answered. "I'm not sure, I was born with them."
- Kevin Spacey likes his guys like he likes his whiskey... 12 years old and in a barrel, OR 18 years old and full of coke.
- I went to the liquor store and the guy working there asked me, Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'll get whiskey instead.
- SEO Expert walks into a bar... An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...
- Created a new cocktail. Rye whiskey, Gosling's Ginger Beer, and garnished with jalapeño It's called the Rye n' Gosling, and it's the hottest drink I make
- Always carry a whiskey flask in case of a snake bite. With that in mind, always carry a small snake. ~ W.C. Fields
- I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery... But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.
- I like my girls the way I like my Whiskey. Eighteen years old, moist and preferably in a basement.
- Two Chinese guys rob a brewery. The one asks the other, "Is this whiskey?" The other man replies, "Not as whiskey as whobbing a bank."
- Two Chinese men are robbing a distillary The first one says "it this whiskey?"
The second replies "yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
Irish Whiskey Jokes
Here is a list of funny irish whiskey jokes and even better irish whiskey puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I like my women like I like my whiskey Irish, 18 years and older
- My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop. The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.
- I like my whiskey like I like my women. Irish, aged 18 years and mix up with a little coke.
- I had an eight course Irish dinner tonight. A six pack of beer, a potato, and a glass of whiskey to finish it off.
- I saw a couple guys selling contraband Irish liquor infront of a police station... I thought: "That's a whiskey buisness"
- I like my women like I like my whiskey.... Over 18, single & either Irish or Scottish
- Why is Irish whiskey better than Scotch whisky? It's got an e in it
Whiskey Barrel Jokes
Here is a list of funny whiskey barrel jokes and even better whiskey barrel puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why didn't the bourbon distiller try to lift a full 53 gallon barrel by himself? Because it was too whiskey.
- I like my women like I like my whiskey Stuffed in a barrel that remains untapped for decades.
- What's the best thing about buying a barrel of Conor Mcgregor's whiskey? It's easy to tap!
- I Like My Women Like I Like My Whiskey Sealed in an oak barrel for 7 years.
- What's your favourite I like my like I like my kind of joke? I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and in a barrel.
Jameson Whiskey Jokes
Here is a list of funny jameson whiskey jokes and even better jameson whiskey puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does Conor mcgregor drink Jameson whiskey? Because he can't handle a White Russian
- Jameson whiskey is like a good priest It'll sneak up behind you.
Whiskey Sour Jokes
Here is a list of funny whiskey sour jokes and even better whiskey sour puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you make a Whiskey Sour? Crush it's hopes and dreams.
- A Ham Sandwich Walks Into A Bar Walks over to the bartender and asks for a whiskey sour, bartender says "sorry, we dont serve food here"
- What does a cynical Irishman drink? Whiskey sour
Cheerful Whiskey Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about whiskey you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean booze jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make whiskey pranks.
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...
So he walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
Irishman looking for a parking place
p**... was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
p**... looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Irish guy in a parking lo
theres an Irish guy driving through a packed parking lot. Upset, he shouts "dear lord, if ya help me find a parkin spot I swear on me moothers grave that I will give up mah whiskey." Just then a car backed out of a spot in front of him. Suprised, he then shouts "Nevermind lord, I found one!"
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
So a guy walks into a bar...
So a guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whiskey?"
"No," says the customer, "just water; i was so drunk last night that I went home and blew Chunks."
The bartender tries to console him, saying "Oh come now, everyone gets a bit wasted from time to time."
To which the guy replies, "No, you don't understand: Chunks is my dog."
Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...
Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..
Vladimir Nabokov walks into a bar...
The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."
An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already...
Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. "To the class of '55!" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, "To the class of '55!"
"Where you from?" asks the first man of the second after they both toast.
"I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."
"You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"
The two men drink to their hometown.
"What high school did you go to?" Ask the second man as he orders them another round.
"St Ignaius on Lombard Street."
"You're kidding me, I went to St Ignaius!" The two toast the coincidence and sling an arm over each other's shoulders as they begin to fondly reminisce about the old days.
A bar regular walks in and calls out to the bartender, "Hey Steve, what's going on?"
"Oh nothing," Steve replies, "The Johnson twins are drunk again."
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
Genie with a flaw
A guy walks into a bar. He sets a bag onto the bar, orders three shots of whiskey, and slams them all back.
The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what's the problem?"
The guy reaches into the bag, pulls out a little piano, then set it on the bar. He reaches back inside, pulls out a little stool, and sets it in front of the piano. He reaches in one more time, pulls out a little man, and sits him on the stool. The man then proceeds to play a wonderful sonata that fills the establishment and leaves the patrons in awe.
"Wow, that was great!" exclaimed the bartender. "Where'd you find this guy?"
The man reaches into the bag one last time and pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Rub it."
The bartender rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall grant you one wish, whatever your heart desires."
"I want a million bucks!" the bartender shouts.
"It shall be done." And
A minute later, a duck walks into the bar. And then another duck, and then another. Soon the bar is full of ducks.
"Hey buddy," the bartender says to the man. "I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Yeah," said the man. "Do you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
So p**... was driving down the street
And he was in a sweat. He was late for an important business meeting and he couldn't find a place to park. In desperation he looked up to god and prayed, "if you find me a parking space, I will go to mass every Sunday from now on and give up drinking whiskey." Miraculously a spot appeared. p**... looked up again and said, "nevermind, I found on."
ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...
Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"
A man is sitting in a bar
A man is sitting in a bar, enjoying a glass of whiskey.
A woman walks up to him, offering him her services and let's him know she is available for the night. Furthermore she says to him that if he can describe in 3 words what he wants her to do, he can get it for a mere 100$.
The man accepts and says: paint my house
My Grandma E-Mailed me this one
When you drink v**... over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink r**... over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
My first drink with my son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
First timer
Son comes back home at night
Dad is waiting for him and asks:
- where have u been so late!!??
- dad I just lost my virginity!
- ohh...I'm so proud of you... have a cigar, whiskey, sit down and tell me everything
- ok I'll take a cigar and whiskey but I won't sit down.
My buddy's first b**...
My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first b**..."
Bartender replies, "First b**... eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"
A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.
As soon as the bartender pours them out, the man slams them down, one right after the other. Before the bartender can say anything, the man orders ten more shots.
"I don't know, maybe you should slow down," says the bartender.
The man replies, already slurring, "You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."
The bartender is taken aback and starts to apologize, "Oh I'm so sorry. What do you have?"
And the man says, "About $3."
10 shots of whiskey please!
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."
A man is staring into his whiskey
The barkeep asks if something's the matter.
"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."
"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.
"IT?" the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.
He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.
Secret to Long Life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
"My wife is like Whiskey."
"Oh yeah, she gets better with age?"
"No, she gives me a headache."
A man walks into a bar after a long day in the mines
He asks the bartender for some whiskey, but the bartender replies; "Sorry, we can't sell alcohol to miners."
An Irishman's First Drink With His Son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.
My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses.
She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.
Pedro was driving down a street when...
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
The Cure for the Common Cold
It's called "The Whiskey and a Hat Trick"
All you need is a bottle of whiskey and a hat.
First, sit on your bed. Place the hat at the foot of the bed. Proceed to drink whiskey until you see two hats, then go to sleep.
If you do this your cold will be gone in just 7 days.
If you don't, it'll last a whole week.
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another. The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that." The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too." The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"
The man replies "about $.50".
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.
The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.
The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**...!" he shouts back.
The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".
A man drunkenly walks into his wife's room...
He loudly proclaims, "I have no idea how I could live without you!"
Flustered, the wife asks, "Is that you talking or the whiskey talking?"
"It's me talking to the whiskey."
Two Chinese Guys Break Into a Distillery
The o**... looks to his friend and asks: "Is it whiskey?"
His friend replies: "Yea, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."
An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,
And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for s**... questions."
Two Chinese men break into a distillery
One turns to the other and says is this whiskey? The other replies yes, but not a whisky as wobbing a bank.
A ghost walks into a bar...
The ghost orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender says "I'm sorry. We don't serve spirits here."
My great-grandfather started up an underground distillery during Prohibition
It was a whiskey business
Guy walks into a bar
Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he's looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention "I'm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?" To which the man replies surprised "oh no no everything's fine! I just promised my wife I'd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again." 😳
A fish walks into a bar.
"What'll it be?" the bartender asks. "Gin? Whiskey?
"Water," the fish says, and collapses
----
^this ^is ^what ^you ^get ^when ^jokes ^are ^OC
One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,
So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be d**... the father said
He's going to become a politician.
Worms
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.
Two Irishmen leave a f**...
One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"
I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to s**... a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...
Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that snake, with two more frogs...
Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."
That's just generally speaking.
An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.
They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.
American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.
European: I'll have a watery r**...! I'll stay up for the drive.
Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!
The American and the European are astonished!! The European asks the Asian why he ordered all of that alcohol.
Asian: Isn't it obvious? You guys won't let me drive anyway.
Guy walks into a bar and says I need 6 shots of Jack quick!...quicker... Hurry d**...!!!
Come on man, you'd be drinking quick too, if you had what I have!!!
So the bartender offers up the shots 'If you don't mind me asking... What is that you have?'
Man looks him in the eye, whiskey dripping off his chin and says... 40 cents.
This hideous woman came stumbling up to me in a club with whiskey breath. She leaned into my ear.
"s**...?" she asked.
"Male," I replied.
I was browsing in a liquor store, and the guy there asked me, Do you need any help?
I said, Yes, but I'll get whiskey instead.
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
Sure, I rather have Parkinson's , replied Sean
'Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!
A man goes to a bar, and constantly orders whiskey all night so the bartender asks him what's wrong.
A man goes to a bar, and constantly orders whiskey all night so the bartender asks him what's wrong.
"I've just found out my brother is gay and he's getting to my best friend"
The next day the man goes back to the bar and does the same thing as the day before, and again the bartender asks him what's wrong.
"I've just found out my son is gay and is sleeping with my boss"
On the third day, before the man orders his whiskey the bartender asks "does anyone in your family like women?"
The man replies "Yeah, my wife".
A perfect son never disappoints his father.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane
They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
