Whips Jokes
47 whips jokes and hilarious whips puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about whips that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Whips Short Jokes
Short whips jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The whips humour may include short whipped jokes also.
- I was angry at my friend and he sarcastically asked "what would Jesus do?" So I flipped over the table and chased him from the building with a whip.
- My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries. I said, You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.
- I'm kinda new to gardening... Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.
Well, I'm never doing that again...
I'll just stick to whipped cream. - Why did the accordion player become a chef? He knew how to whip up a great melody and mix it with harmony.
- I was pulled over by the police today, so I whipped out my nine millimetre... After they stopped laughing, they arrested me for indecent exposure.
- I was having a look... In my mothers bedroom the other day and I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in her wardrobe. I couldn't believe it... My mothers a superhero!!!!!
- Did you hear about the woman who ordered a double entendre at the bar? The bartender reached under the bar whipped it out and gave it to her
- I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile. I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.
- A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'
Student answers: 'A whip' - I saw a whip under my grandparent's bed, I asked my grandpa what it was for He said, "beats me"
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Whips One Liners
Which whips one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with whips? I can suggest the ones about being whipped and whack.
- To all the philosophy majors out there... Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?
- Rihanna says that whips and chains excite her... I wonder if her ancestors felt the same
- Here I thought 3.5 would never impress a girl but then I whipped out my credit card.
- Why was the cook arrested? He was beating the eggs and whipping the cream.
- Which superhero loves to whip out his junk in public? The Flash
- Why are chefs the meanest? Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream
- When are cooks at their meanest? When they mercilessly beat the eggs and whip the cream!
- What do you call a white guy in an abusive relationship? Whipped cream.
- If you let Jesus take the wheel... Does that count as ghost riding the whip?
- Why don't people like the Congressional whip? He always votes nay-nay
- I like my cream like I like my slaves. Whipped.
*I'm so sorry* - What is a southern aristocratic families favourite dance move? The whip
- My parents used to be beat me so hard I thought the crack of a whip was my name.
- Does Indiana Jones like foreplay? No, he just whips it out.
- That chef must be sadistic. He's always beating eggs and whipping cream.
Rib-Tickling Whips Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about whips you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean whipped husband jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make whips pranks.
A guy visits his favorite d**...
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
A couple of Blondes are out in the woods hunting.......
When one of them falls to the ground and her eyes close. The other blonde whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, Help! Help! My friend Holly is dead! What should I do? The operator, in a calm voice, says, Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure she's really dead.
After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the blonde's voice comes back on the line. OK, now what?
A dog lays by the railroad tracks..
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...
...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology.
He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in.
"Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"
"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.
Mom finds chains and whips in sons room
So she goes and ask her husband what they should do about his b**... issue. The dad says, well I definitely wouldn't s**... him
Two men are hunting in the woods...
Andy and Ed are off hunting on a hot summer's day, when all of a sudden Ed collapses, seizing and foaming at the mouth. Andy panics and instantly whips out his phone to call 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" Andy frantically yells into the phone.
"Ok, calm down sir. Let's take this one step at a time. First, let's make sure he's actually dead."
There's a silence, then two shots are heard. Back on the phone, Andy says, "Ok, now what?"
Political opinions are like d**.......
Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.
Hunting gone wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
Discipline is important
A wife calls her husband into their son's room. She says, "Look what I found under Johnny's bed!" as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat–o'–nine–tails of every size, color, and material. "What are we going to do with him?" she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, "Whatever we do we shouldn't s**... him."
Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.
Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?
A guy walks into a bar
He sits down and tells the bartender, I don't drink too often, so what would you recommend? Bartender says, I make a pretty good grasshopper. Guy replies, Cool, I'll have one. So the bartender whips it up, the guy drinks it, and heads out of the bar.
While walking to his car the guy notices a grasshopper on the sidewalk. Guy looks down and says, did you know they have a drink named after you in there?
Grasshopper says, they have a drink named Lenny?
Two hunters joke
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are out in the woods
...when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
Hunting Gone Horribly Wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
3 old ladies are in a park
Three elderly grey ladies are sitting on a bench feeding birds in the park. Suddenly, a man runs in front of them and whips open his trench coat, to reveal he's wearing nothing underneath!
Astonished at the exposure the first Lady has a s**.... The second Lady has a s**....
And
Sadly
the third old lady couldn't quite reach.
An american and a russian went to a bar
A couple of drinks later, the american flips a coin high in the air and shoots a hole through with a revolver, shouting
- BILL, BUFFALO BILL
A moment later the russian whips out three t**... and shouts:
- BILL, CHERNOBILL
Panda's Day Out
A panda walks into high-end restaurant and sits down at a table. A waiter quickly asks for the order and brings it to him after thirty minutes.
After the delicious meal, the panda asks for the bill. As soon as the waiter brings it, the panda whips out a p**... and shoots him. The waiter dies on the spot and the panda runs away.
The police are called and owner explains the situation. But the police refuse to investigate. When the puzzled owner enquires why, the police just show a dictionary. It says,
"*Panda: A type of bear that eats shoots and leaves*"
What do Rick Ross and a d**... have in common?
They're both interested in whips and chains.
A clothing buyer is walking down the street in the Garment District one day...
...when she's approached by a f**.... The guy whips open his raincoat to expose his total nakedness. After the lady studied what was presented to her for a bit she looked up at the guy and asked, "You call that a lining"?
Guy walks into a bar and bets the owner $500 that he can stand on one end and p**... without getting any on the bar.
The owner takes the bet because the bar is about fifty feet long. So the guy whips it out and sure enough he only p**...about 4 feet all over the bar. The owner laughs as he collects his money and cleans up the bar.
He asks the guy who p**... why he seems so happy.
The guy says: You see that table in back? I bet the 5 guys there 10 grand that you would let me p**... on the bar and laugh and clean it up.
A cowboy walks into a bar.
There are 3 ladies sitting at the bar and he whips out his p**... and BOOM, shoots the lady on the left, BANG, shoots the lady on the right. He goes up to the last lady and says, "what's a pretty lady like you doing here all by herself?"
Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.
Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Harold comes back to the phone. 'OK,' he says nervously, 'what do I do next?'
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls on the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator "I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD, WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!"
The operator responds in a calm, soothing voice "Everything will be ok, first we should make sure he's dead."
After a long silence, the operator hears a shot.
"Ok" Says the hunter "what now?"
A sign on the Golden Gate Bridge reads: "Now entering San Francisco, chains required…
…whips optional"
Dumb r**......
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a brief silence, followed by a loud gunshot. He get's back on the phone and says, Okay, now what?
Two hunters are in a forest.
One of them collapses, his eyes are rolled back and he doesn't appear to be breathing.
The other one whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.
"I think my friend is dead", he says.
The operator responds in a cool, soothing voice. "Okay, stay calm. The first thing you need to do is make sure he's dead."
The hunter goes off the line before a loud BANG was heard.
"Okay, what next?"
