whilst Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious whilst puns

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.


My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn't give a shit.


Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because



I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm...

She said "I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work."


The Govenment made a recent announcement.....

.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually being fucked!!


Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.


As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.


A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....

After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.

'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.


They say that dog is mans best friend ...

... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet


Met a Dwarf Today....

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"


I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems

The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.


A man stumbles home from a night of heavy drinking at the pub...

He finds his marital home empty and in darkness. In the kitchen, whilst going for another beer, he spots a note left on the fridge door.

"I'm sorry. I'm staying at my parents for now.
This isn't working anymore."

The man, curious, opens the fridge to get his beer and is greeted with the usual light and cool air.

"...what the fuck is she talking about?!"


A man, whilst in a supermarket, approaches a woman he's never met before."Er Hello, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks. "You see, I've lost my wife...

"Yes, If you want, but why in the world do you want to speak to me?"

He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere..."


I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello."

At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…


Physical Examination Time!

A man goes to the doctor to get a full physical examination. At one point the doctor asks him to remove his pants and underwear and then proceeds to examine the man's balls. Whilst fondling the man's balls, the doctor says "It's perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure". The man, a little puzzled, says "I don't have an erection", to which the doctor replies, "I do".


Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.


Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."


I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.


It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...


So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving.

It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.


I went to visit my Chinese friend in hospital

Whilst taking a selfie video with him he suddenly yelled something in Chinese then died. With no way of understanding what he meant I wondered if it was a will. I decided that I had to pass the video on to his family.
When I arrived at Beijing airport customs asked me why I was visiting. I showed them the video. They were nice enough to translate. He had apparently said: *Get off my oxygen line you asshole!*

I booked the next flight back


WALLET SCAM WARNING! (British audience would
understand better)

In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet! I had mine stolen last Thursday Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!

P.S. - You can buy wallets for 99p at Poundstretchers.


Dr joke I just made up

A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."


Three men are standing near a magical river...

... and legend says that one who says something whilst jumping over the river will turn into it .

The first runs and jumps and yells, "Eagle". He turns into an Eagle and flies away.

The second man runs and says, "Fish". He turns into a fish, falls into the water, and swims away.

The third runs, but trips and screams, "Oh, shit!"


what's the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?

The girl in church has hope in her soul whilst the girl in the bathtub has...


A man was jogging down the street....

when he suddenly slipped over on a pile of dog shit and landed face first in the gutter. Whilst he was picking himself up an elderly woman rounded the corner and before he could utter a word she too slipped on the shit and fell to the ground.
"Hey, I just did that!" said the man
"You should be fucking ashamed of yourself" replied the woman


A rite of passage

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'


I had to break up with my girlfriend...

Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic! But she turned up to my house the next day and asked where we were going for dinner. I was confused and I told her to have a seat whilst I informed her that our relationship was OVER! This time when I told her she was crying, kicking and screaming.

I guess the only way to make the Japanese really understand is to drop the bomb twice


Thought of this whilst snacking.

If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide?


Jesus and the Devil have a competition

After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, whilst Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power comes back, he boots up his computer and has lost all his work, before seeing Jesus calmly typing from where he left off. Lucifer is not happy at all, calling Jesus a cheat, before God intervenes, proclaiming Jesus the winner. The moral of the story? *Jesus saves*


Gråtrunka is Swedish for crying whilst masturbating.

It's a real tear jerker.


Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client.

He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied:

"Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."


A Man walks into a irish bar

A Man walks into an Irish Bar, that was full of Irish Men. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer.
Whilst his beer is being poured a man in the bar stands up and says
Everyone starts laughing. The man ignores it.
He takes a sip of his beer.
Another man stands up and says
"62". Everyone is laughing again.
The man asks the bartender
"What going on."
The bartender says "Well, instead of saying the jokes, we number them. How about you give it a try"
"Oh alright" The man stands up and says
Everyone is laughing so hard, falling of chairs crying from laughter.
The man says to the bartender "Why was that so funny?"
"We haven't heard that one before"


What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!

[Scariest of all is that it's true :( ]


Bilbo Baggins has passed away whilst still erect

I guess _old hobbits die hard_


What are the most funny Whilst jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Whilst? Well, here are the best Whilst dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Whilst pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes