After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
Coconut.
How I bought your mother
I don't know I just fly the drone.
I dunno, I just fly the drone...
M'genta
SEIZURE SALAD.
I peed
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.
I dont know, I just fly the drones.
tulips on an organ...
American.
Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
Luke warm
Scissoring with the runs.
***Chemotherapy***
How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.
Your best friend gets laid too.
An attractive woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an interesting looking man standing alone. She approaches him and says "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he says, "is it a family name?"
"No", she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most...cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen."
"What's your name?" she asks.
The man replies "B.J.......B.J. Titsngolf."
A dead epileptic
I don't know man. I just fly the drones.
I dont have a porsche.
(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)
Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.
Only two more sleeps until christmas.
Strippers don't rig their polls.
Engineering build planes and buildings. Religion brings them together.
I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"
a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.
Caesar said:"I came, I saw, I conquered."
Casanova said:"I saw, I conquered, I came."
Leave the plunger in the toilet
-Whats the capital of Germany?
-Berlin teacher
-Whats the capital of France?
-Berlin again teacher
-Whats the capital of Poland?
-Still Berlin teacher
-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!
-We'll see about that
"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."
Period.
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.
It's counterproductive
A man walks into a bar with a monkey.
The bartender asks "hey man, whats with the monkey?"
The man replies "watch this!"
The man then slaps the monkey and then the monkey starts blowing him.
"Wow that's pretty cool" says the bartender.
"You wanna try?" asks the man.
The bartender says "yeah sure! ... Just don't slap me so hard."
SEX - F
He laughs...
Mom : Whats so funny ?
Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in Sex.
You Failed in it!!
Inheritance
They never get old.
The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.
"a reverse burka" I told her. "Whats that?" she asked. "it's when all you're wearing is a blindfold."
The second hour is free
and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?
Man: Ive visited the doctor
Friend: What did he say?
Man: 200 Dollars
Friend: Yeah, but what do you have
Man: I have 50 dollars
Friend: I Mean whats the problem?
Man: 150 dollars
I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .
The boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum?"
Mum replies, "That is my sponge."
"Oh yeah," says the boy, "The babysitters got one too, she likes to wash dad's face with it!
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it
There is one less drunk at the wake
A red bucket.
Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?
A red bucket in disguise.
My 8 year old son...the comedian.
Society.
Whats black on top and white on bottom?
rape.
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist
None of them make the sandwiches.
I dont know, i just fly the drone.
Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.
... I pull out of my driveway
A pirate walks in a bar with a paper towel on his head, the bartender says "whats with that" the Pirate says "ARR!! I have Bounty on me head"
He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins .
20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks up and says 'see, not so funny when it's your mum is it?'
The mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.
"this year we should try Greece"
his partner looks up n asks him "whats wrong with the Vaseline?
A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."
The little girl screams to her Brother,
"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!
Whittle by whittle
Here is a few I've heard:
What's the best thing about sex with twenty one year olds?
There's twenty of them
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope
What do you call a black woman who's had 7 abortions?
A crime fighter
Whats the difference between a jew and a dollar?
People would care about losing 6 million dollars
Boy: whats between moms legs?
father: paradise
Boy: whats between your legs?
Father: the key to the paradise
Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.
Dad: ( อ ยฐ อส อกยฐ)
A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school .
Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Zain.
Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today. Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Zain?
Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny. Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised .
Teacher : What happened Johnny ?
Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.
They both smell it, but they can't eat it.
... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.
"Whats the worse news?"
"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."
Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"
"you have Alzheimers."
Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."
.... admission in an American school ...
Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Nadir
Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today.
Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Nadir?
Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny.
Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up.
Next day he was back to school all bruised ...
Teacher : What happened Johnny ?
Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.
One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident.
Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you.
Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.
As he's walking down the street he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky". Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".
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