Uplifting Whats Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
What's white on top and black on bottom?
Society.
Whats black on top and white on bottom?
r**....
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...
... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.
"Whats the worse news?"
"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."
Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"
"you have Alzheimers."
Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."
whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
There is one less drunk at the wake
Whats the best thing about being a m**... addict?
Only two more sleeps until christmas.
Whats the difference between Caesar and Casanova?
Caesar said:"I came, I saw, I conquered."
Casanova said:"I saw, I conquered, I came."
A child asks his grandmother, "Grandma, whats it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
The grandmother replies, "Why, that's called s**... i**...". The boy considers this, then runs outside to join his friends. A short time later the boy runs back inside and says, "Grandma, you were wrong, its called bunk beds, and Billy's Mom wants to talk to you.
Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?
Inheritance
A pirate walks in a bar...
A pirate walks in a bar with a paper towel on his head, the bartender says "whats with that" the Pirate says "ARR!! I have Bounty on me head"
A man visits the doctor
and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?
Man: Ive visited the doctor
Friend: What did he say?
Man: 200 Dollars
Friend: Yeah, but what do you have
Man: I have 50 dollars
Friend: I Mean whats the problem?
Man: 150 dollars
I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried
Whats the difference between an al qaeda training camp and a school?
I dont know, I just fly the drones.
You can explore whats miscarriage reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean whats whats up dad jokes. There are also whats puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive
Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common?
Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.
Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?
M'genta
I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?
SEIZURE SALAD.
I peed
Whats better than roses on a piano?
tulips on an o**......
Whats the best thing about dating a girl into z**...?
Your best friend gets laid too.
Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?
At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore
A dead epileptic
Whats the problem with feminist picnics ?
None of them make the sandwiches.
What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?
How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.
Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital?
I dunno, I just fly the drone...
Whats the best part about a dead h**...
The second hour is free
Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?
Strippers don't rig their polls.
Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?
How I bought your mother
Whats the difference between a t**... training camp and an orphanage?
I don't know I just fly the drone.
Whats the difference between a porsche and an e**...?
I dont have a porsche.
(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)
whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter?
... I pull out of my driveway
Geography class
-Whats the capital of Germany?
-Berlin teacher
-Whats the capital of France?
-Berlin again teacher
-Whats the capital of Poland?
-Still Berlin teacher
-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!
-We'll see about that
If someone who speaks 2 languages is Bilingual, whats someone who speaks 1 called?
American.
A boy is in the shower with his mum.
The boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum?"
Mum replies, "That is my sponge."
"Oh yeah," says the boy, "The babysitters got one too, she likes to wash dad's face with it!
Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet
Whats the difference between a preschool and a taliban camp?
I don't know man. I just fly the drones.
Whats the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you step on a trampoline.
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"
Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer...
They never get old.
Genie: Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
Wife calls her scientist husband...
"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."
My favourite joke ever
So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.
Whats the internal temperature of a taun taun?
Luke warm
Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?
Period.
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
Six year old Kid looking at Mom's ID card...
s**... - F
He laughs...
Mom : Whats so funny ?
Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in s**....
You Failed in it!!
My girlfriend asked me what she should wear...
"a reverse burka" I told her. "Whats that?" she asked. "it's when all you're wearing is a blindfold."
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .
Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
Whats the difference between a muslim and a catholic priest?
The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.
Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.
Coconut.
How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.
Whats the difference between an ISIS stronghold and a syrian school?
I dont know, i just fly the drone.
Whats the difference between engineering and religion?
Engineering build planes and buildings. Religion brings them together.
Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?
Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had s**... with kids.
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it
I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door.
I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"
A young boy is bathing with his mother
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.
Whats worse than running with scissors?
s**... with the runs.
Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?
A red bucket.
Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?
A red bucket in disguise.
My 8 year old son...the comedian.
Whats the most expensive haircut?
***Chemotherapy***
Whats black and doesnt work?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist
A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...
He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins .
20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad b**... his grandma. The kid looks up and says 'see, not so funny when it's your mum is it?'
A man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says Oh just a beer . The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? . The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month . The bartender said So whats wrong with that ? The man siad Well the month is up tonight .
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus
It takes 1 nail to hang a picture
Whats you father's occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
Whats the difference between a badly dressed man on a bicycle and a posh dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire.
whats the difference between dubai and abu dabi?
people in dubai dont like the flinstones but people in abudabidoo
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"
Whats blue and isn't heavy?
Light blue
Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy?
A $100 dollar bill.
Whats something you can say about your car but not your wife?
It was very affordable.
911, whats your emergency?
Operator:
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, i need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that out for me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I'm gonna drag him over to pine street and call right back.
Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?
Anything
Whats a wind turbines favourite colour?
Blew!
Amazing joke i came up with
Sadness walked into the doctors office.
the doctor asked: Whats your appointment?
Sadness anwsered: Dis apoointment.
Whats the difference between a skeleton with a bullet hole in its skull and Putin
Time.
Whats a girls favourite brand of chocolate?
Her/She.
Whats the worst kind of jam for breakfast?
Traffic jam
Answer: Christopher Walken
Question: Whats something you'll never see at the Reeve household?
A guy finds a lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.
Genie: You have 3 wishes, whats your first wish?
Guy: I wish you were bad at counting.
Genie: Done.
Guy: I wish i was a billionaire.
Genie: Piss off you've had your 3 wishes!
Whats the most popular streaming service in the Middle East?
Hulululululululu
Boss, I have good news and bad news
Whats the bad news?
Im retiring today
Whats the good news?
Im retiring today
Whats the scariest animal in Canada?
A Cari-BOO
