After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
He asks mommy! whats that?"
Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.
Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"
Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"
kid says "oh, mommy says that's nothing"
The dad replies "Yeah, i spoil that woman"
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
Coconut.
How I bought your mother
He orders nine shots.
The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"
The man mumbles, "first blowjob."
The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.
The man downs all nine in a row.
The bartender still smiling says,
"hey, make it an even ten. On the house."
The man shakes his head,
"No thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help."
My bosses tie
I don't know I just fly the drone.
I dunno, I just fly the drone...
M'genta
SEIZURE SALAD.
I peed
They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.
Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Justin, "Your turn!"
Justin burst out into tears.
"Whats wrong?", asks Usher.
Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings."
I dont know, I just fly the drones.
tulips on an organ...
American.
In sex,the decision to choose the cunt or the asshole is a pleasure
Thomas: I Wish I Was Rich.
Genie: Granted, What's Your Second Wish?
Rich: Where The Fuck Is My Money Asshole?
Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
A miscarriage!
This joke never gets old, just like the baby!
Luke warm
He asks, "how much for full sex?"
"$50" she replies.
"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.
Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.
"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."
"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."
Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"
"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."
The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"
"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."
Scissoring with the runs.
American women get stoned before they commit adultery..
***Chemotherapy***
How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.
Your best friend gets laid too.
An attractive woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an interesting looking man standing alone. She approaches him and says "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he says, "is it a family name?"
"No", she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most...cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen."
"What's your name?" she asks.
The man replies "B.J.......B.J. Titsngolf."
A dead epileptic
I don't know man. I just fly the drones.
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