Whats Jokes

What are some Whats jokes?

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

Genie: Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.

Coconut.

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?

I don't know I just fly the drone.

Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital?

I dunno, I just fly the drone...

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?

SEIZURE SALAD.

I peed

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

A young boy is bathing with his mother

Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?

Mom replies, That is my sponge.

Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.

Whats the difference between an al qaeda training camp and a school?

I dont know, I just fly the drones.

Whats better than roses on a piano?

tulips on an organ...

If someone who speaks 2 languages is Bilingual, whats someone who speaks 1 called?

American.

Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts

Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.

Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?

At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up

Whats the internal temperature of a taun taun?

Luke warm

Whats worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs.

Whats the most expensive haircut?

***Chemotherapy***

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

Whats the best thing about dating a girl into zoophilia?

Your best friend gets laid too.

Whats your name?

An attractive woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an interesting looking man standing alone. She approaches him and says "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he says, "is it a family name?"
"No", she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most...cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen."
"What's your name?" she asks.

The man replies "B.J.......B.J. Titsngolf."

Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore

A dead epileptic

Whats the difference between a preschool and a taliban camp?

I don't know man. I just fly the drones.

Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection?

I dont have a porsche.

(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?

Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?

Strippers don't rig their polls.

Whats the difference between engineering and religion?

Engineering build planes and buildings. Religion brings them together.

I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door.

I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"

whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common?

Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.

Whats the difference between Caesar and Casanova?

Caesar said:"I came, I saw, I conquered."
Casanova said:"I saw, I conquered, I came."

Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

Geography class

-Whats the capital of Germany?

-Berlin teacher

-Whats the capital of France?

-Berlin again teacher

-Whats the capital of Poland?

-Still Berlin teacher

-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!

-We'll see about that

Wife calls her scientist husband...

"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."

"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"

"Whats that?"

"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."

"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."

Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

Period.

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.

Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?

It's counterproductive

A man walks into a bar ... (NSFW)

A man walks into a bar with a monkey.

The bartender asks "hey man, whats with the monkey?"

The man replies "watch this!"
The man then slaps the monkey and then the monkey starts blowing him.

"Wow that's pretty cool" says the bartender.

"You wanna try?" asks the man.

The bartender says "yeah sure! ... Just don't slap me so hard."

Six year old Kid looking at Mom's ID card...

SEX - F

He laughs...

Mom : Whats so funny ?

Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in Sex.

You Failed in it!!

Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Inheritance

Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer...

They never get old.

Whats the difference between a muslim and a catholic priest?

The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.

My girlfriend asked me what she should wear...

"a reverse burka" I told her. "Whats that?" she asked. "it's when all you're wearing is a blindfold."

Whats the best part about a dead hooker

The second hour is free

A man visits the doctor

and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?

Man: Ive visited the doctor

Friend: What did he say?

Man: 200 Dollars

Friend: Yeah, but what do you have

Man: I have 50 dollars

Friend: I Mean whats the problem?

Man: 150 dollars

I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .

A boy is in the shower with his mum.

The boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum?"
Mum replies, "That is my sponge."
"Oh yeah," says the boy, "The babysitters got one too, she likes to wash dad's face with it!

Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it

whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

There is one less drunk at the wake

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

What's white on top and black on bottom?

Society.

Whats black on top and white on bottom?

rape.

Whats black and doesnt work?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist

Whats the problem with feminist picnics ?

None of them make the sandwiches.

Whats the difference between an ISIS stronghold and a syrian school?

I dont know, i just fly the drone.

How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.

whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter?

... I pull out of my driveway

A pirate walks in a bar...

A pirate walks in a bar with a paper towel on his head, the bartender says "whats with that" the Pirate says "ARR!! I have Bounty on me head"

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins .

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks up and says 'see, not so funny when it's your mum is it?'

Whats the difference between a bdsm slavegirl, and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

A gay man was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner...

"this year we should try Greece"
his partner looks up n asks him "whats wrong with the Vaseline?

Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....






To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!

Whats the best way to carve a piece of wood?

Whittle by whittle

What's the most offensive joke you have heard?

Here is a few I've heard:
What's the best thing about sex with twenty one year olds?
There's twenty of them


How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope

What do you call a black woman who's had 7 abortions?
A crime fighter

Whats the difference between a jew and a dollar?
People would care about losing 6 million dollars

A little boy asks his dad

Boy: whats between moms legs?

father: paradise

Boy: whats between your legs?

Father: the key to the paradise

Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.

Dad: ( Ν Β° ΝŸΚ– Ν‘Β°)

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school .

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school .
Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Zain.
Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today. Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Zain?
Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny. Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised .
Teacher : What happened Johnny ?
Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

Whats a similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist?

They both smell it, but they can't eat it.

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.

"Whats the worse news?"

"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."

Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"

"you have Alzheimers."

Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."

A Pakistani boy took...

.... admission in an American school ...

Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Nadir

Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today.

Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Nadir?

Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny.

Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up.
Next day he was back to school all bruised ...

Teacher : What happened Johnny ?

Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom?

One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident.

Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?

Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you.

Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.

The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the nearby town for the first time in 30 years.

As he's walking down the street he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky". Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".

How to make Whats jokes?

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