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Whatever Who Asked Jokes

121 whatever who asked jokes and hilarious whatever who asked puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about whatever who asked that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Popular Whatever Who Asked Short Jokes

Short whatever who asked jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The whatever who asked humour may include short nobody asked jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" "Whatever means necessary," she replied.
    "No it doesn't," I said.
  2. My black friend asked me where to find the color copier I said it's 2015 and he can use whatever copier he wants to
  3. I was in the library the other day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were? I replied, "Dude, it's 2018, you can use whatever printer you want."
  4. My wife is fed up with my constant stream jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled, "No it doesn't!"
  5. So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them. Me: how do you want me to stop?
    Wife: whatever means necessary.
    Me: ...? No it doesn't.
  6. So I was in the library the other day... My black friend comes over and ask me where the color printers were at. I looked up and said "it's 2015 man you can use whatever printer you want".
  7. A guy walks into a bar.. ..and orders a Jack Daniels with coke. The bartender asks if Pepsi is okay. "Whatever, sure" says the guy. So, the bartender mixes a Pepsi with coke for him.
  8. Grandma said I she'd knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn... So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car
  9. A 7 y/o asks his mom at the dinner table... "Mom?"
    "Yes, honey?"
    "I can be whatever I want to be right?"
    "Yes, dear."
    "Then can I be a carnivore?"
    "...Eat your vegetables."
  10. Joke of The Day A new Student came to the class. After telling the rest of the Children his name, the teacher asked, "what does your Father do"?
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    Student :" Whatever Mom Says"

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Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about whatever who asked can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of whatever who asked puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Whatever Who Asked Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about whatever who asked you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean inquired jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make whatever who asked prank.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic g**.

.. a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

There was a young rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to the congregation that he will be leaving for a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a silence. No one wants him to leave. Cohen, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new BMW every year, and his lovely wife with a Range Rover, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs and applauds. Feinstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands up and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a college fund to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and applause. Old Mrs. Horowitz, aged 96, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I will have s**... with him!" There is a silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Horowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Horowitz answers, "I just asked Mr. Horowitz what we could do to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Horowitz said,"F*c**... the rabbi."

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers.


She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles."
Her friend told her that was the problem.
But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.
So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000.
Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.
The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

Jenna, Jessica and ariana die.
They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".
The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy.
Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.
Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The following day Araina goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall.
Jenna and jessica ask, "What happen?"
The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper.


Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper... Take my iPad..."
Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach.
Husband faints.
Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.

Mom was very upset when she found a b**.

.. S&M magazine in her son's room.
She showed it to her husband when he got home.
He handed it back to her without a word.
She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"
"Well, whatever you do, don't s**... him."

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...


.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Your wife gets double what you get...

My dad told me this joke last night at dinner:
A guy finds a lantern, opens it up and a magical Genie appears. The Genie says he will grant the man 3 wishes but whatever the man wishes for, his wife gets double.
The man wishes for 20 Ferraris and the genie replies "Then your wife will get 40" the man replies "Okay, I'm fine with that." The man gets his 20 Ferraris.
The man then wishes for $500 Million dollars, the genie says "Then your wife will get $1 Billion dollars." "Okay, that's fine." The man gets his $500 Million dollars.
The genie then asks "What is your last wish?"
The man replies "I want to get beaten half to death."

Be strong honey.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

I was at this party the other day...

...and one of my buddies decided to have me do a magic trick to "liven up the crowd."
So I took a brand new deck of cards and asked for a single, female volunteer. I found the hottest one in the room and got her on the coffee table "stage," asked her if we knew each other in real life, if the deck was new, yatta yatta yatta.
She said yes and I opened the deck and a sharpie marker.
"Write your name on whatever card you pick," I said, and paused as she wrote it down, "And your phone number. I promise this is leading somewhere." Another pause, and she agrees.
Taking the card from her, I held it up in the air and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I just got the number of the hottest girl in the room. MAGIC."

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

Genie with a flaw

A guy walks into a bar. He sets a bag onto the bar, orders three shots of whiskey, and slams them all back.
The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what's the problem?"
The guy reaches into the bag, pulls out a little piano, then set it on the bar. He reaches back inside, pulls out a little stool, and sets it in front of the piano. He reaches in one more time, pulls out a little man, and sits him on the stool. The man then proceeds to play a wonderful sonata that fills the establishment and leaves the patrons in awe.
"Wow, that was great!" exclaimed the bartender. "Where'd you find this guy?"
The man reaches into the bag one last time and pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Rub it."
The bartender rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall grant you one wish, whatever your heart desires."
"I want a million bucks!" the bartender shouts.
"It shall be done." And the genie disappears.
A minute later, a duck walks into the bar. And then another duck, and then another. Soon the bar is full of ducks.
"Hey buddy," the bartender says to the man. "I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Yeah," said the man. "Do you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

So this guy buys a centipede from the pet store...

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anything. The guy thinks, "it must be getting used to its new environment or whatever," and he goes to bed.
The next day after work, the guy's watching TV and he gets bored, so he goes up to the centipede again and taps on the aquarium glass, and says "HEY, centipede, you wanna go out, get a drink, maybe check out the ladies? Just hang out or whatever?" and the centipede doesn't say anything. The guys thinks, "that's weird, i wonder if it's sick or something. i'm not sure how centipedes are supposed to act i guess." and he shrugs it off and goes to bed.
The third day, after work, the guy gets bored watching TV and goes to the centipede again, this time getting a little exasperated. "HEY! CENTIPEDE! Do you wanna go out and get a DRINK, check out the LADIES or something?" and the centipede yells back, "I heard you the first time man, I'm getting my shoes on!"

The bell ringer at a church dies...

So they put out an ad for a new ringer, and on the first day a guy shows up for the job. He climbs the bell tower, and rather unexpectedly, he runs and jumps and hits the bell with his face. He continues to ring the bell this way for the rest of the time. The priest thinks it's weird but whatever, he lets him do his job. Within a couple of days, though, the man runs and jumps and misses the bell, falling to his death in front of the church. As the crowd gathers, someone asks "Who is that man?"
Someone else replies "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."
The next day the man's identical twin shows up to replace him as the bell ringer, and the priest hires him. He climbs to the top, runs, jumps, and misses the bell, falling to his death. Once again, the crowd gathers, and someone asks "Now, who was THAT guy?"
Someone else says "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
I was told this joke years ago, and I probably butchered it. The punchline still works, though.

The Doubling Genie

A man is walking along the beach one day and finds a bottle. He picks it up, rubs it, and a genie appears.
"Hello, I'm a genie and I'm here to grant you 3 wishes! You can have absolutely anything you'd like."
"So what's the catch?" the man asks
"The only catch is that your ex-wife gets twice of whatever you ask for"
The man seems taken aback, but agrees nonetheless. "Okay, well first off, I'd like a new Ferrari."
"Your wish is my command," replies the genie. A new Ferrari appears in front of the man. "However I just gave your wife two new Ferraris. What will your second wish be?"
Slightly frustrated, the man shrugs it off and continues.
"I'd like a mansion right here on the beach!" exclaimed the man.
His new mansion materialized right behind him. "Here's your mansion, but remember that your wife just got two mansions on the beach."
Visibly angered, the man pushes on to his third wish.
"And for you final wish?" the genie inquires.
The man replies, "I'd like you to scare me half to death."

So an engaged couple die in a car c**......

A very tragic occasion merely a week before their wedding, they were sorely missed by their family. Shortly after their deaths, they meed St. Peter, guarding the pearly entrance to heaven. They were both good people, led fulfilling lives, and so he has no problem letting them in to heaven, and even states that they are free to live together in heaven, encouraging them to get married. After a few days of life there, free of their earthly problems, they decide they want to take up the offer and seal the bond. They have several days of happiness, have great s**..., and love each-others company. However after a few days, they get kinda bored, and decide to ask St. Peter for a new TV. Peter grants them their wish, telling them:
"This is Heaven, you can have whatever you want!"
So they watch their new TV happily together for several days, until they find that they, once again are bored. They decide on sports, and return to St. Peter. They tell him they want to get basketball lessons. He agrees, and after searching for several days, finds a basketball player to teach them to play. They have tons of fun playing basketball together for a while, until they get bored and realize that they just arent for each other. They return to St. Peter with the request to get divorced. He says
"Gee, thats kinda tough. It was hard enough finding a basketball player, I doubt theres 1 lawyer up here!"

The Pink Gorilla

An married couple are out driving home through the country one night when their car breaks down. There was a farm house nearby, so they decided to see if they could find some help. While the husband was talking to the farmer, the wife asked if she could use the man's restroom. The farmer said "Sure thing. Up the stairs, third door on the right. But whatever you do, do NOT touch the big pink gorilla through the door at the end of the hall."
The woman agreed that she wouldn't touch the gorilla and headed up the stairs. After she had finished her business, she started towards the stairs, but her curiosity got the best of her. She quietly went through the door at the end of the hall and found herself face to face with an enormous pink gorilla in a cage, fast asleep. She figured it couldn't hurt to poke him just once, so she slowly reached into the cage and touched his shoulder. Immediately, the gorilla's eyes snapped open, he ripped the door off of his cage, and began to chase the woman. She ran down the stairs, past her husband and the farmer, and out the front door. As she ran through the field outside, she stumbled and fell, and the gorilla closed in. He loomed over her and she watched, horrified, as he reached an enormous hand towards her and said
"Tag, you're it!"

Why do you t**... yourself like that?

This isn't quite a joke, but a funny situation that just happened to me.
I walked into the living room to see that my roommate was playing a really old and c**... looking video game that looked like it could be Atari.
So I asked him "Why are you torturing yourself like that, playing these horrible Atari games? You have a Playstation right there!"
To which he replied "Sadomasochism." I shrugged and said "Fair enough."
There was a moment of silence, so he said it louder. "*Sadomasochism*."
I looked at him really weird, said "Whatever" and turned to leave the room, so he said it again -
"Not Atari, Sadomasochism."
It turns out he was saying "Sega Master System" the whole time.

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

Guy gets sick of the rat race and...

....moves to the country. After about six months, he gets a little lonely for company so he's happy when a nearby farmer comes over.
They're sitting on the porch having a couple beers when the farmer asks,
*"Would you like to come to a party at my house next friday?"*
Guy says, *"sure, sounds fun."*
Farmer says, *"But there'll probably be loud music."*

Guy says, *"Cool with me."*

Farmer says, *"And a lot of drinking, that's how it is."*

Guy looks at his beer and nods his head.
Farmer says, *"Gotta watch out, sometimes there's a little fightin'."*

Guy says *"I can handle my own. Sounds fun."*

Farmer says, *"And if you're lucky, might be a little s**....."*

Guy says *"Now I can't wait. Next friday? What should I wear?"*

Farmer says, *"Whatever. Just gonna be you and me."*

Three old ladies smoking...

So three old ladies are sitting on a bench in front of a drug store enjoying a nice cigarette. All of a sudden it starts raining. Two of the ladies pull out condoms, unroll them over their burning cigarettes and then continue smoking. The third lady obviously asks about this, to which another lady replies: "Well whenever it starts raining we put a c**... over the cigarette which acts like a raincoat and we can keep smoking!" The first lady thinks this is such a grand idea that she gets up and heads into the drug store. She walks all the way to the back counter and tells the pharmacist, "I'd like to buy a box of condoms, please." The pharmacist, a little confused and slightly grossed out, says, "Ok, what size would you like?" The old lady replies, "Oh it doesn't matter. Whatever you think will fit on a Camel.."

A german, a frenchman, and a greek c**... in the amazon

A german, a frenchman, and a greek are on a plane. The plane crashes in the amazon. They meet the natives and they say "don't kill us" and the amazonians say "We will not kill you, but you have to do something. You have to spend 10 years in a cave. We will fill the cave up with all the provisions you need and whatever you want."
They ask the german what he wants. He says "I want bratwurst. I want sausages everywhere. I wanna eat'em all the time, and I wanna eat a lot." So they fill the cave up with sausages.
They ask the frenchman what he wants. He says "I want women. I want women everywhere. I don't what kind of women; what age, what color, what size. I just want women." So they fill the cave up with women.
They ask the greek guy. He says "I want cigarettes. I wanna chain smoke all the time. I wanna smoke my way through the 10 years." So they fill the cave up with cigarettes.
10 years pass and it is time to open the caves. They open the german's cave. Out comes one huge beast of a man, so gelatinous, they can barely get him through the door.
They open the frenchman's cave. And they see little kids playing around, women talking to each other, and the frenchman h**... away at another woman in bed.
they open the greek guy's cave. He is sitting on top of a pile of unopened cigarettes. He says "A lighter...........give me a lighter!"

That's some solid advice!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

Discipline is important

A wife calls her husband into their son's room. She says, "Look what I found under Johnny's bed!" as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat–o'–nine–tails of every size, color, and material. "What are we going to do with him?" she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, "Whatever we do we shouldn't s**... him."

4 Hour Erections

I walked into a pharmacy, went to the back, and asked the woman at the counter if I could speak to a male pharmacist.
The woman told me that she was the only pharmacist, and that as she and her sister own the business, the were no male employees. She also assured me, however, that she was very professional, and whatever my issue, I could feel confident that I could discuss it with her, without fear of judgement or embarrassment.
Reluctantly, I agreed. I told her that, every day, I get an e**... that lasts longer than 4 hours. Not only is it inconvenient, but it is also embarrassing, and I asked what she could give me for it.
The pharmacist thought for a moment, then asked me to wait a minute while she went to check on something.
She came back a few minutes later and said, "I discussed it with my sister, and the best we can do is 1/3rd of the business, a king sized bed, and $3000/month in living expenses!"

A man is offered one wish...

A man stumbles upon a lamp and rubs it... same old setup, you know the story - but this time it's different; a genie pops out and offers him just ONE wish.
However, there is a condition.
The genie says he can wish for anything he wants, but whatever he asks for his wife gets double. "You want a ferrari, your wife gets two... you want a million pounds, your wife gets two million pounds".
The man understands and thinks about it... what could he do to maximise the use of this unique opportunity?
After a little while his eyes light up and he tells the genie he knows what he wants.
"My wish is for you to beat me half to death".

A Spanish pirate walks into a bar... [OC]

A Spanish pirate walks into a bar, and he appears down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and asks,
"Aye, what'll ye be havin'?"
"Agua, por favor."
"Hm, whatever floats yer boat, lad."
"...Sí."

A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"

" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Credit - Russell Peters

So I have this friend Jonathan...

Jon's been on a bit of a dry spell with the ladies lately. I suppose I should tell you a bit about Jonathan. He's a bit hard of hearing, but the ladies still love him despite that and his slightly diminutive stature, probably because he's usually the life of the party, buying drinks, etc. Anyway, back to the problem at hand.
We went to lunch the other day at a nice, quiet cafe. We started chatting about the usual, work, sports, whatever, but it came clear that Jon actually had invited me to give him some advice. He told me about his dry spell and of course I wanted to get to the root of the problem. A few minutes pass in silence. Finally, I ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
"WHAT?"
(Oh right, the hearing thing) "I said, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?"
"OK!"
"WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING TURNED DOWN?"
"TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT!?"

The Genie With a Price

One day as he was walking on the beach, a man found a golden lamp.
He opened it and a large blue genie emerged from the bottle.
"You have 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."
The man immediately wishes for 3 million dollars. He goes home to find 3 million dollars under his bed!
Suddenly his ex-wife texts him, "I just found 6 million dollars in my mailbox!".
The next day, the man asks the genie for the largest mansion in Dubai overlooking the sea. He enters his new mansion, but to his surprise, his ex-wife now owns an even larger mansion that sits atop of his with an even better view of the ocean.
The man thinks for a long time.
"This might sound weird but could you beat me half to death?"

So Moses and Jesus is walking along the beach

Moses asks Jesus, hey man can you still walk on water?
Jesus is like ya sure? I am the son of God and whatever.
So Jesus walks out onto the water a bit and sinks about 2 inches.
What the heck man? Says Moses.
Ahh d**...! It's these holes in my feet!

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his...

...father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do whatever I want?"
The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."

Five Men Walk Into A Bar...

The Irishman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Pint of Guinness."
The Brit turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Gin and Tonic."
The Frenchman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Glass of Wine."
The German turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Stein of Lager"
The Bartender brings them all their drinks, then turns to the last man and asks what he wants.
The Australian turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have two of whatever these ladies are having."

Husband and wife and a convict...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi...

...all meet up for lunch after service. The priest ask how they divvy up their pay from the collections.
The priest says "I draw a circle, stand in the middle and throw everything up in the air. Whatever lands in the circle god has chosen for me to keep and everything outside goes to charitable work and expenses. "
The monk was fascinated and says "I do the same thing. Only difference is I keep everything that goes outside of the circle and use what's in the circle for the church."
The rabbi is taken back. "You know what?! I do the EXACT same thing. I throw all the money in the air and whatever stays in the air God has chosen to use for the church and whatever hits the ground is mine to keep."

Keep strong!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Life

Old man has 8 hair on his head.
He went to Barber shop.
Barber in anger asked:
shall i cut or count ?
Old man smiled and said:
"Colour it!"
LIFE is to enjoy with whatever you have with you, keep smiling

Divorce joke... With magic and a genie

A man is getting a divorce from his wife and is rather upset about the whole situation. While moving his stuff out of the house, a lamp falls out of a box and a genie pops out, offering the man three wishes. The only condition is that the mans soon to be ex wife will get double of whatever he asks for.
The mans first wish is for 8 million dollars.
"Fine," the genie says with a smile, "but she will get 16 million."
His second wish is for a mansion in every country.
"We can do that," the genies snarks, "only she will get two mansions in each country."
Finally, the man is down to his final wish.
"What will it be?" The genie asks.
The man takes his time, rubs his temple, and finally replies, "I would like you to beat me half to death."

Polish d**...

Polish couple is having s**.... Husband asks the wife, "why Won't you let me go down on you. Wife says "i haven't been feeling well down there and need to go to the doctor". Wife goes to the doctor and the doc says to her "all ya need is a good clean d**.... Go to The pharmacy they all sorts of flavors raspberry, cherry etc whatever you want.". Wife goes to the pharmacy and sure enough they had all sorts of flavors raspberry cherry etc whatever she wanted. She goes home and tells her husband "well the doctor said all I needed was a good clean d**.... I went to the pharmacy and they had all sorts of flavors raspberry cherry etc"....Husband says "what flavor did you get!". Wife responds "tuna fish"

A Cuban just arrived on a raft...

And is being interviewed when they ask him Name? "Manolo".
s**...? "Two to three times a week"
No,no i mean Male or Female? "Well whatever I can get that week"

A black guy in the library just asked me where the colored printer is...

It's 2015 dude, use whatever printer you want.

50 Shades of Little Johnny

Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of b**... magazines.
A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.
Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't s**... him"

lesbian in a bar

A guy is sitting at a bar having a few drinks notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar order a drink.
The guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the guy, "Send her the drink!"
"Okay" the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the guy.
The bartender leans over the guy and very softly says "because she's a **lesbian**."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says,
"**So, what part of Lesbia are you from?**"

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years...

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and
put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been
reading '50 Shades of Grey'......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie
her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So--- Here I am!

An escaped prisoner enters a house...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

My wife was pregnant with our third child...

My wife was pregnant with our third child. Long story short, we had been having some complications and had been seeing a special Ob/Gyn but everything seemed to be going fine. Except my wife went into labor just a little early by just a couple weeks. We called our doctor's office, and of course, our specialist was unavailable, so we got patched in to whatever B-Team doctor they had available that evening. He got on the phone and I told him we believed my wife was going into labor, and that we were a little concerned about how early it was.
He asked, "Is this her first child?"
I responded, "No, this is her husband."

My Black friend asked me..

If there was a colored printer in our hotel. I told him its 2015 and he can use whatever printer he wants.

A married couple is in therapy

The therapist asks the husband, "When you are having s**..., what do most wish your wife would do?"
The husband answers, "She can do whatever she likes, so long as she doesn't come home without calling first."
(I just made that up.)

A zombie and a ghost go for marriage counselling

And are asked to share their honest feelings
The Zombie "Sometimes I feel like you're not even here!"
The Ghost "Whatever, you're dead to me"

A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for s**.... I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"

Holy Water

One day St Peter chose three distinguished individuals in Heaven and gave them a free pass to commit whatever sins they would like back on Earth for one whole day.
The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed.
St Peter asked the first sinner and he said that he spent the day sleeping with a bunch of women. St Peter congratulated him and told him to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of his sins.
The third sinner snickered.
St Peter ignored the third sinner asked the second sinner. She said that she sent a swarm of killer bees to wipe out an African village. St Peter paused in shock, but then told her to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of her sins.
The third sinner tried to hold back his laughter, but failed.
St Peter then asked the third sinner what was so funny. The third sinner replied, "I s**... in the Holy Water"

My friend was really interested in learning to sail

But he wasn't sure if he should do it. When he asked me if he should actually get into sailing, I simply replied, "Whatever floats your boat."

Little Peter came home riding a red girl's bike one day

...and his mother asks where he got the bike.
Peter explains that he went into the woods with Jennifer and that she had taken off her shirt and pants and told him to grab whatever he desired.
"But, why would I want a pair of girl's pants? So, I took the bike".

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment...

...and he's very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment complex manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."

A mother cleaning her 12 year old's bedroom

A mum is cleaning her 12year old son's bedroom and finds a load of b**... gears and f**... magazines.
She asks her husband, "What do I do?"
He says, "I'm not sure, but whatever you do, don't s**... him!"

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus four?

Class: At once!

I walked into a PETA adoption center and the receptionist asked me what kind of dog I wanted

Apparently "Whatever's low in cholesterol" was not the right answer.

An old blacksmith ...

... realised that soon he would not be able to work so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

So I asked the bartender for a r**... and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.
So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

2 spies were captured by the goverment

They both sat in the interrogation room.
The first spy whispered to the second spy "Whatever you do.... Dont say a word..."
An officer came into the room and asked "what is your name?"
The second spy just looked down for a few seconds and said "jabbaracko"
The first spy stared at the second spy angrily and whispered "what did i just say?!"
The second spy looked at the other and said "Oh when we played Scrabble you said 'thats not a word' but NOW its a word"

Duchess kate middleton asks Queen Elizabeth whats the secret for a long life?

Elizabeth : Whatever you do,Kate, just dont leave William for a p**...

Genie grants a wish...

One day a Russian guy, Oleg, finds a lamp. As soon as he rubs it a genie pops up and says:
- You saved me, so wish whatever you want, and it will be granted.
- Whenever I pee, turn it to v**....
And, it happens.
He goes home and asks his wife to bring two glasses, tells what had happened and they both enjoy the v**.... They repeat the ceremony for following couple of days.
One night, as he comes home, asks for a glass.
His wife curiously asks :
- Are you going to drink without me?
Oleg answers:
- Of course not, you'll drink from the bottle.

My husband called and asked if I could be n**... before he gets home from work...

...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

A lawyer was travelling in an almost empty train.

A lady approaches him and says "Put everything you have in this bag or I'll shout that you are molesting me." The lawyer signals that he is deaf and mute and asks her to write what she just said on a paper. She does so. He smiles and keeps the paper in his bag and says "Now do whatever you want!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one to enter asked for a pint of whatever's on tap.
The second, third, fourth, and so on all the way to the infinite subsequent patron to enter said "I'll have half of what he's having", pointing to the person who came before him.
The bar tender responded "you're all idiots!" and poured two pints.

Whenever something sounds too good to be true, I just ask my father

He always finds something bad in whatever I say

My nieces are darlings...

My nieces are darlings said Sid.
I'm obliged to do whatever they bid.
As I tucked them in bed,
I asked "What's to be read?"
"Uncle Remus!" they cried, so I did.

2 spies in an interrogation room

The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.
Spy A says to the other
"Whatever you do, dont say a word"
A few seconds later Spy B said
"Fdugyop"
The Spy A looked at Spy B and said
"what did just say?"
Spy B replied
"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"

Ducks

Me and my three friends all died and went to heaven(luckily)when we all arrived at the gate to heaven an angel told us that we could do whatever we wanted except no stepping on ducks. We all replied with That's easy thanks and walked away. After a little bit one of the friends walked away. When he came back he was with a super ugly girl. We all asked what happened, I stepped on a duck . Next friend goes comes back with an ugly girl stepped on a duck. Third friend comes back with a super hot girl. We all asked what happened? The girl said I stepped on a duck.

What's a cowlick?

Dad: Son, your hair dresser does such a good job even with your cowlick as crazy as it is
Son: What's a cowlick?
Dad: Whatever it wants.
Son: what?
Dad: ...
My dad made this joke when I was around 10 and I didn't understand it until I was around 16...and I asked him about it every once in a while and he pretended he had no idea what I was talking about...really played the long con there....I can't wait for my kids to ask me about a cowlick...

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these whatever who asked jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.