What Time Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include What Time puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about What Time

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

6:30 is the best time on a clock

hands down

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.


I grunted, Just ignore them.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis

Would it even matter?

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

A girl walks into a dry cleaner

She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

My priest is surprisingly homophobic...

...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it's awful first time on this sub)

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
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Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can't pull anything out in time!

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?

The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.

TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.

However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"

Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

Cheer up Hilary!

At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

An average Englishman has sex 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has sex once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.

My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes