What My Blonde Friend Did Jokes

A blonde is wearing a pair of socks that don't match, one is red and the other is white.

Her friend sees her out and says, "You know your socks don't match, right? You're wearing one red sock and one white sock." The blonde responds, "That's so weird! I have another pair just like it in my drawer at home."

Q: Why do blondes leave empty beer cans in their refrigerator?
A: For their friends that don't drink.

3 women were on a island, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They find a magic lamp which a genie pops out of. He grants them all one wish. The red head wishes that a boat would come and get her. Soon after a boat appears and she is saved. The brunette wishes that a plane will come to get her. Soon after a plane appears and she is saved. The blonde starts to get bored and says "I wish my friends were here!"

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert.

A genie appears and gives each of them one wish.
The redhead says " I wish I could fly" and flys away.
The brunette says "I wish I was home" and teleports home.
The blonde steps up, sighs, and says " I wish my friends were back.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't share a toothbrush with your friends.

Me: If a blonde girl and brunette girl jumped off a cliff at the same time, who would hit the ground first?
Friend: I don't know, who?
Me: The brunnete, the blonde had to ask for directions.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said, "You know,it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies, "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Doctor: "Yes, what is it I can do for you?"
Blond: "Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?"
Doctor: "The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is."

Mike: "Hey Joe. My girl friend always gets offended whenever I tell her jokes about bald people."
Joe: "Is your girl friend bald?"
Mike: "No. She"s a blonde."

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by?
The first one said, "

I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a s**... blonde."
The other said, "s**... blonde? What's that?"
The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.

The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire!"

What is the difference betwen a blonde and a Lamborghini? You don't let your friends borrow your Lamborghini.

Two blondes at the movie:" Pst, the guy next to me is m**...!"says one

"just ignore him" answers her friend.
"But I can't ! He's using my hand!"replies the first blonde

Two engineering students and a bicycle...

Two buddies in engineering school are walking around campus. One is pushing around a bicycle. The other says "Hey, how did you get the new bike?"
His friend replies, "Crazy thing happened the other day, I was walking back from class, when this beautiful blonde girl rode up to me on this bicycle, threw it down and ripped off all her clothes. She threw open her arms and screamed 'take anything you want!' So I took the bike."
The other goes "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway."

A blonde girl is eating an ice-cream

Her friend tells her : "You have ice-cream on your cheek".
The blonde girl starts to rub her left cheek. "No the other way".
She puts a finger in her mouth and rubs. "Hij it gonhe ?"

(sorry, it's more a visual joke)

A guy is grocery shopping when he sees a beautiful blonde, who smiles and waves at him.

She stops to talk to him, and he can't remember who she is. Instead of faking it, he fesses up and says, "Hi - you look really familiar, but I don't remember how I know you."
She responds, "My name is Taylor, and I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy's mind reels with shock, and he thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife. He asks, "Were you the dancer at my batchelor party, who my friends paid to tie me up and ride me, while I was drunk?"
The lady responds, "No - I'm your son's Math teacher."

Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a h**... to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."

two blondes and a mirror

two blondes are walking along together when one of the pulls out her make up mirror, looking in to the mirror she says
"oh there is a face in there, wow that face looks familiar, where do I know that face from?"
Her friend grabs the mirror from her, has a long look and replies
"you idiot, that's me!"

Personal Secretary

A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asked.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither. He's bald."

A blonde and her friend...

Are recently hired putting up siding on a house. They're working on opposite sides so the first one goes to check on the second. She watches as she pulls a nail from her bag, lookas at it, and throws it away. She hollers up and asks what that was about. The second blonde says some of the nails are defective. The point is facing the wrong way so she throws those out. The first blonde says, " You idiot! They aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house "

A blonde

Is at her friend's house when the kitchen catches on fire, so she calls 911. "My friend's house is on fire!" she tells the operator. The operator asks for the address but she can't remember. The operator thinks for a moment then says, "Well, we are located in the center of town, how do we get to there?" The blonde replies, " Duh! A big red truck."

Three blondes stuck on a desert island.

When they find a magic lamp, after a quick rub out pops a genie.
"I shall grant you three wishes" he states.
The first blonde wished to be on a giant cruise ship.
With a click, she was gone.
The second blonde wished she was in a casino with millions to play with.
Click! She vanished.
The third blonde looked upset.
"Whats the matter" asked the genie.
"I dont want to be alone on this island, i wish my friends were back"

A Blond a red head and a brunette are stuck on an island

A magic lamp washes up and they rub it and a genie comes out, he says I will give you all one wish each. The brunette wishes to be home, the red head wishes to be with her family, the blond starts crying the genie asks why and she says "I wish for my friends back!"

The lady heard that her blonde friend...

...was in the hospital, so she paid her a visit. She found her sitting up in bed with both ears heavily bandaged.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing some clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I picked up the iron, pressed it to my ear, and said 'Hello'?"
"How awful! But... what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

A nerd rides up to his friend on a new bike.

The friend asks "Wow! Where'd you get the cool bike?"
The guy replies "A beautiful blond woman rode up to me on it, then took off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted!"
The friend says "Good call, dude! The clothes would never have fit!"

A seashell tattoo

A blonde is showing off her tattoo, a seashell, on the inside of her thigh. When a friend asks why she had the tattoo placed there, she answers: "When you put your ear against it, you can smell the sea!"

Dog names

A guy asked his blonde friend, What are the names of your dogs?
The she responded that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."

So a Blonde is sitting with her Blonde friend at the bar...

...and says to her friend "I slept with a brazilian last night."
"That's **terrible!**" her friend says. "How much is a brazilian?

A brunette and a blonde are stranded on an island.

Suddenly, a magical genie appears to them. He says, "You girls have stumbled upon an unfortunate fate. Therefore, I will grant you each one wish."
The brunette says, "I wish I were home with my family!"
"So it is done," the genie says, and the girl is poofed home.
The blonde looks over to where her friend had just been standing and says, "Aw man, I wish she hadn't left me here."

So I was talking to my blond friend

I was telling her that I was named after a character from a tv show.
She replied: "What was their name?".

My friend from Turkey had never heard a blonde joke. This was his attempt at telling one.

A blonde walks into a bar and sits down next to an Englishman, Irishman, and German. They turn to her and say, "Are you new here?"

A blonde asks her brunette friend...

... "Didn't you get an h**... test last week?"
"Yeah, it came back negative" answered the brunette
The blonde responds "Maybe you should study next time"

I was visiting my blonde friend, who just adopted two new dogs...

I asked her what their names were.
She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. I asked why she would ever name her dogs that. She answered "I needed some watch dogs"

Did you hear that actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed?

Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad day light. The one from legally blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...
Friend: Witherspoon?
Me: No. With a knife.

A blond chick gets a new tattoo...

So later at the bar with her friends she hikes up her skirt to show off a conch shell tattooed high on her inner thigh, near her snootch.
One of her friends asks, "Why did you get it so on your thigh?"
"So that when you put your ear against it, you can smell the ocean."

Canine Names

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"

I read this joke in a 1974 p**... magazine today.

An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins."
"She isn't my reward", sighed Steve, "I'm her punishment!"

A blonde said to her friend while driving

I got a compliment on my driving today, said a blonde to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said parking fine .

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead lost in the desert...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Genie Lamp

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

I told my blond friend, that they have higher risk of cancer.

The next day she colored her hair black.
courtesy: Choke by Chuck palahniuk

Three girls are stuck on an island

They find a lamp and a genie comes out of it. He grants them each one wish. The brunette girl wishes to go home and see her family. *p**...* shes gone. The redhead wishes also go go home to see her family. *p**...* shes gone. The genie comes to the blonde girl and sees that shes crying. He asks "why are you crying?". She responds "I wish my friends were back".

A blonde is at work and asks...

A blonde is at work and asks her friend what her new thermos is.
She replies "It is to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".
The next day the blonde comes into work with a new thermos.
Her friend asks what is in it and she replies "Ice cream and soup".

A guy walked into his friend's office

, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."

The Blonde and the Blinker

Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

I asked my blonde friend who she voted for.

She said, "I voted for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton."
I said, "Why on earth would you do that?"
"On the ballot," she replied, "it said 'Vote Both Sides'"

Blondes..

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

This brunette is telling her blonde friend how she only sleeps with Brazilian men

Her blonde friend asked her "oh that's s**..., how many is a Brazilian?"

A blonde and her friend were standing on the street talking..

The blonde's friend sees her boyfriend coming out of a flower shop with a big bunch of flowers and says, "Oh yeah, I suppose he expects me to spend the whole night on my back with my legs in the air now!"
The blonde says, "Why, do you not own a vase?"

"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"

The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"
The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."
"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
"That he really likes 'Puns': a funny play on words"

Three blonde women stumble across some tracks...

The first one spots them in a large clearing and beckons her friends over. "Look! I think I've found some deer tracks!"
The second woman snorts. "Nonsense," she exclaims, "those look like bear tracks to me."
"Well they can't be both," says the third blonde impatiently. "So what kind of tracks are they?"
And then the train hits them.

Why did the blonde give her computer bacteriostatic?

Her IT friend said her computer had a virus.

A guy and a blonde were driving down the road.

The blonde asks her friend to see if the car's blinker is working. So the guy looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

Blonde's

An evil genie captured a blonde and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing.
The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn't die of thirst.
The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off.
The blonde brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window!

A blonde gets a tattoo...

...On her inner thigh of a conch shell.
Friend: Why did you get a conch shell tattoo on your inner thigh?
Blonde: So that when you put your ear against it you can smell the ocean.

Two blondes solving a crossword

Two blondes are spending some time together, the one is watching TV while the other struggles with one particular crossword question for some time now...
After a while she decides to ask her friend for help..
- Do you know the answer to the clue "Female s**... o**..."?
-- Hmmmm. Horizontally or vertically?
- Horizontally
-- Oh yes! "Mouth"

Some friends and I were making some blond jokes, until my daughter arrived.

She said Daddy, I cant believe you. You know those are all stereo systems.

While on a busy freeway, a blonde suddenly stomps on the brakes.

Why'd you do that? her friend says.
Didn't you see the sign? It said BREAK FAST AHEAD

Two blondes trying to light a match

After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came

Florida and the Moon

Two Blondes living in New York are stargazing.
One looks to the other and asks "Which do you think is farther, Florida or the Moon?"
Her friend responds "You can't see Florida from here, duh."

"Thank god I lost my horse!", shouted a blonde.

Surprised, her friend asks "Why are you so happy about it?".
"Well" says the blonde "If I was riding it, I would have been lost too!"

A blonde goes to watch a movie...

It was an adult movie and "under 18 not admitted".
Seeing this, she went and brought 17 of her friends!!

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. One day a bottle washes up and of course there is a genie in it who pops out and grants them one wish each.

The brunette says " that's easy - I wish to go home" and p**... her wish was granted.
The redhead is next and says "I wish I was at home" and p**... her wish is granted.
The genie looks at the blond and she says "I can't decide... I wish my friends were here to help me..."

Sometimes for fun, I like to put on a blonde wig with red lipstick and chase my friends with my pants around my ankles.

I usually stop before it gets weird though.