whale Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious whale puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for everything."
I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek
"You're whale cum"

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I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

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My wife has a whale tattooed on her ass...

It used to be a dolphin.

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Two whales walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what he can get them.

The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWONNNKKKKKWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOO."

The second whale says "damn it Frank you're already drunk."

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Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.


They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while.
Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?''


The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.

The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father

"where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean...

When they come across a whaling vessel. One whale looks to the other and says "we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!" The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water. The first whale then says "we should eat these sailors so they don't ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!" The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies "Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you're going to get me to eat the seamen!"

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A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

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A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

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So two whales are swimming along...

... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!"

The second whale agrees and they begin their attack on the unsuspecting boat. The two whales take enormous breaths and dive deep under the boat. They blow all the air out their blowholes and the bubbles race toward the surface. When the two whales come up they see the boat is capsized and sinking and several sailors are in the water.

"Oh man!" says the first whale. "We got 'em. Look, they're all swimming in the water. Now we can eat them!"

The second whale, taken aback, then says, "Sorry man, I'll help with the blow job, but I won't swallow seamen."

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A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

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*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

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And so you came to be.

Two whales are talking. A dad and his boy. The kid asks: Where did I come from? did you make me? - Yes I did! The father said. Wow, that's so cool! Thank You dad! - You're whalecum son.

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I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.

"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

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Two whales are at a bar...

The first whale turns toward the other and says, "ooooooOOoooooooOOOOOOOOooo!"

The second whale says, "Dude, you're drunk as fuck."

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Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW

They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until the boat capsizes. Then you will come in and attack the sailors who fall overboard." The mother proceeds to swim under the boat and executes her part of the plan perfectly. As the sailors tumble into the water, the daughter yells in excitement, "Mom! Here they come, lets get them!" The mother shakes her head and says lovingly to her daughter, "No, honey, I gave the blow job, you swallow the seamen."

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Whales have pretty sexual names, Sperm whale, humpback whale...

Your mom

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If you hump a whale,

does it humpback?

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What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale?

Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.

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Whales

So, there are two whales swimming around, when they see a boat. The first whale says, "Hey, let's go blow that boat over!" The second whale replies, "Alright, let's go." So the two whales blow the boat over, sending the crew members overboard. Then the first whale gets an idea, "We should go eat those crew members!" The second whale, disgusted, says, "Nah man, I'm always up for the occasional blowjob, but I never swallow the seamen."

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How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.

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Two whales walk into a bar.

They approach the bartender and the first says "WAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHOOAAAAAUAUUUAUAAAAUAAUUUUAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

The second whale turns to him and says, "Frank, you're drunk."

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Two whales walk into a bar.

"AAAAOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOAAAAAA, AOUUUUUUAAAA OOOOO," says the first whale.

The second whale replies, "Shut up, Steve, you're drunk."

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

A Father and a Son.

The Son turns to his father and ask "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad replies "My penis Son"

Son says "Oh.. Thanks Dad"

Dad says "You're whale cum"

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How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin-divers

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Two whales are in a bar

One whale says too the other "waoooaoooooooaoooowuooooooooooooooowaooooooouooooooooooooooooowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooooowooooooooooaoaooaoooooooooooouoooooooooooooooooooowoowoooooooooooooooaoaooooooowuaoooooooooooowu."

Then the second whale says
"Go home Steve you're drunk."

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2 Whales, 1 whaling ship

One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The female says okay, and they proceed with his plan, and sure enough the whaling ship sinks. But as the whales are swimming away, the male sees the sailors from the ship swimming away, he turns to the female and says "Quick, lets swim over there and eat those sailors." The female whale turns to him and says "Hey now, wait a minute, I was okay with the blow job, but there is no way I'm swallowing any seamen."

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Baby Whale

Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, 'Dad where did I come from?'
Dad Whale says, ' You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you'
Baby Whale says, 'thanks Dad'
Dad Whale says, You're Whalecum.'

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Mama whale and Papa whale ...

... swim and look upon sailors coming towards them. The sailors are on small boats and have their spear in hand.

Papa whale says to mama whale:

-"They're hunting us, we should make bubbles and tip them over."

The mama whale agrees. They dive underneath the ships and blow so many bubbles that the ships capsize and the sailors fall into the water, but they still have their spears in their hands. Papa whale is still weary.

He says to mama whale:

-"We should eat them".

Mama whale says:

-"Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing seamen."

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Two whales walk into a bar

The first one goes to the barman and says:
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOoOooOOoOoooooOOOOOOOoOOooooOoOoOOoOooOoOOoOOooooooooOOOOOOOoOOOoOOo"

The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."

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How do you turn a fox into a whale?

Marry her.

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Why don't they let whales into strip clubs?

They tend to humpback.

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Whales

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!

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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.
Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!
*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*
Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what would be even better? If we ate the crew members!
Whale 2: Whoa whoa whoa! I'm all good for a blowjob but I will not eat the seamen!

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What do you call a whale that mates excessively?

Mom.

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Why was the whale lonely after his date?

The other whale didn't humpback.

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A whale asks his dad

"Dad where do I come from"



The father whale replies, "well from my penis"



"Oh. Thanks." Responded.the junior whale



"You're whalecum"

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Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from?

Papa whale: From my penis.

Whale junior: Umm thanks?

Papa whale: You're whalecum

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A whale is having a conversation with its son.

Son: "Hey Dad, where did I come from?"

Dad: "From my dick, son"

Son: "Uhhh, thanks?"

Dad: "You're whalecum"

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The crab saw it. (average length)

In the first grades classroom one day, the teacher asks the students:
-*Why* *is* *the* *flounder* *so* *flat* ?
Alan then quickly responds:
-*Because* *he* *had* *sex* *with* *a* *whale*.
The teacher gets mad, and sends Alan straight out of the classroom. The teacher then asks another question:
-*Why* *are* *the* *crabs* *eyes* *so* *big* ?
Alan then opens the door and sneaks his head out into the classroom and says:
-*Because* *he* *saw* *the* *whole* *thing* !

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Do you know what Pinocchio and your dad have in common?

They were both inside a whale.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH"

The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

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What do you call a cross-dressing whale?

Maybe Dick

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

One turns to the other and goes, "BWOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

And the second one turns to the first and goes, "Dude, what the hell?"

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What did the sperm whale have on his front porch?

A whalecum mat.

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Two whales walk in a bar

First one goes: ooooOOOOOUUUuuaaaAAAAAEEEUUUUUUuuuoooooOOOOOOO.

OOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAoooooooOOO

Second one goes: Steve, what the fuck was that?

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A baby whale asks his father, "Dad, where did I come from?"

The father replies, "Well, I put my semen into your mother's vagina, and then you were born!"

"Thanks, dad."

"You're whalecum."

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TIL a blue whale is so big, if you laid it out on a basketball court

they would have to cancel the game.

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2 whales

2 whales walk into a bar.
First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing! They just WAVED.

SEA what I did there?

I'm SHORE you did.

Let MINNOW if you are not getting it.

SHELL I continue??

No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead.


Thanks ladies and gentlefish

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Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball sub, and he also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine, but since I got the other priest some, I'll go run and get you some." So he runs across the street again to the liquor store.

Then the whale walks up to the counter and says, "Waoooaoooooaaooo."

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An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...

Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.

"I'm disgusting, aren't I?"

He doesn't respond.

"Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?"

He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..."

Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"

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How to curse like an Irishman

"Whale oil beef hooked!"

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A father whale and his son are swimming...

...When the son whale asks his father
"Hey dad, where did I come from.?"
The father whale replies "From my penis, son." The son rolls his eyes and says "Thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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Which whale makes the best sexual partner?

One that will humpback!

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Three guys are stuck on an island...

and they come across a magic lamp. One of the guys rubs the lamp and a genie pops out and says;

"since you freed me from this lamp Ill reward you all ... now jump off this cliff over here and shout the name of anything, and youll turn into it till you get home."

so the first guy jumps off and shouts "killer whale!" so he becomes a killer whale and swims home.

The scond guy jumps and shouts "Apache helicopter!" so he becomes an Apache helicopter and flys home.

The third guy starts running towards the cliff and right as he gets to the edge, he trips and shouts "Oh shit!"

(btw im loving all the international jokes that have been sprouting up on here recently keep em coming everyone :D!)

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My son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday.

So we sat outside McDonald's.

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Why did the whale cross the road?

Because there was a tsunami.

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Whale dad joke

'Dad, where did I come from?'
'From my penis'
'Oh...thanks.'
'You're whalecum.'

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How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin-divers.

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How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy.

Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.

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Two whales

Under the ocean there were these two whales. One whale walks up to another and says "OOOoooOOOOooooooOOOoooOooooooooooOOOOoOOoOOoooooohhhhh!"
And the other whale says Steve, dude, you are so drunk.

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Two whales walk into a bar

The first whale says to the bartender "WHAAAA-EEEEEEEE-OOOOOOO-UUUUUU"

The second whale turns to the first and says "Frank! What the hell is wrong with you?"

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The Tale of Two Whales

A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That was too easy." The guy whale says, "Alright, I dare you to eat all of the sailors floating in the water." The girl whale responds with, "No! I agreed to the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Why did the whale cross the ocean?

To get to the other tide.

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Blowjobs and Semen

So there's these two whales hanging in the ocean doin' whale stuff when one whale says to the other,
"Hey, wanna do something fun?"
"Uh, sure."
"Ok, I have an idea, you see that boat up there?"
"Yeah?"
"Wouldn't it be really really funny if we swim up to the boat and and knock it over with our blowholes, sending all the sailors into the water?"
"Yeah, lets do it!"
So the whales swim up and capsize the boat by blowing water out of their blowholes, flinging all the sailors into the water. They laugh and swim away. The first whale then says to the other whale,
"Hey, wouldn't it be really funny if we swam back there and ate the sailors?!"
"WOAH BRO" says the other whale,"I'll go for the occasional blow job, but you can make me swallow the seamen!"

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whale joke

Out in the ocean there are 2 whales watching a fishing boat. When the first whale says to the second "do you wanna see something funny?" the second whales says "sure" so both whales swim under the boat and on the first whales cue they release their blow holes flipping the boat. Both whales now back a safe distance from the boat the first whale says "ahaha that was great, do you know what would be even better?" the second whale says "what?" the first whale then says "if we went and ate the Fishermen" the second whale then says "I don't mind an occasional blow job, but I don't swallow seamen"

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Why did Moby Dick join a heavy metal band?

He could really whale.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

The first whale goes

AAAAAAAOOOOORRRRRRUUUAAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUAAAAHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNGHHH



The second whale says

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FRANK SHUT THE FUCK UP

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Learn how to speak Irish in seconds...

Say these words quickly:
Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked

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What do whales and milk have in common?

They both cum in gallons.

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Little girl logic

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

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Whales in a bar

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "OUUHHHHWAHHHHHHH OUHHHHHHH AHHHH" and the second one replies, "Shut up Steve, you're drunk!"

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How did the beluga respond to their beluga friend asking them to hang out?

Might as whale.

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What did the killer whale do when the boat came?

Swallowed all the seamen

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Two whales walk into a bar....

The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA"

The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk

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So two whales are swimming in the ocean...

So two whales are swimming in the ocean when they come upon a small fishing boat. The first whale turns to the second whale and says,
"Hey! We should go tip that boat!"
The second whale agrees so they both swim under one side of the boat and blow out of their blowholes as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the sailors are dumped into the water. The first whale asks the second,
"You wanna eat those sailors?"
The second whale turns to the first and says,
"How many times do I have to tell you? I don't mind the occasional blowjob but I will never swallow the seamen!"

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How do you circumcise a whale?

You need four skin divers

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2 whales

Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a plan! you go port side & I'll go starboard & we'll blow as hard we can out of our blow-holes & sink the boat!" so Bob & Brenda position themselves either side of the boat & blow with all their might. Sure enough, the sea turns to foam & the boat capsises throwing the sailers into the sea. Brenda turns to leave. "Where do yu think you're going?" asks bob. "We're not done yet! Now we're going to eat the sailors!" "Look" replies Brenda "I don't mind doing the blow job but there's no way I'm swallowing Seamen!!"

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How do you circumcise a whale?

Well, first, you need four skin-divers...

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What do you get when you cross a weasel with a whale?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

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How NOT to cheer up your overweight girlfriend

My girlfriend was sad one day, and exclaimed "I look like a huge whale".

Being the compassionate caring man that I am, I said "no you don't, you're more like a medium-sized seal".

To my surprise she was not amused, or comforted.

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Two whales walk into a bar.

The first one says... "Eoooooooohahhhhhmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaauuu..." The second whale turns to the first and says. "Frank what the fuck is wrong with you?"

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A whale and his son are swimming through the ocean...

The son whale turns to his father and asks "where did I come from?" The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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A teacher is trying to teach her students that whales can't swallow human beings.

One of the students raises his hand and says, But wait, wasn't Jonah swallowed by a whale?

No, the teacher replies. It's impossible.

The student whips out his phone and finds the story online, showing it to the class.

Yeah, see, he says. Jonah WAS swallowed by a whale!

The teacher, growing frustrated, lashes out, NO! I've already told you that it's impossible. Whales CANNOT swallow human beings!

The student shrugs, Well, when I go up to heaven, I'll ask him!

Oh yeah? What if Jonah went to hell? the teacher replies.

The student shrugs again.

Well then you can ask him.

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A blue whale is the largest animal that's ever existed

It's so big that if it was laid out on a basketball court the game would have to be cancelled.

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How do you turn a fox into a whale?

You marry her.

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2 Whales [long]

2 Whales, a boy whale and a girl whale, are swimming in the ocean when they see a big whaling vessel. The boy whale freaks out.

"That's the ship that speared my father," the boy whale says to the girl whale. "We must avenge his death. Let's go underneath it and use our blowholes to capsize the boat."

The girl whale agrees, so they swim underneath the ship and blow enough water to tip the boat into the ocean. As the sailors are swimming away to safety, the boy whale gets even angrier and says to the girl whale "we can't let them get away, let's go eat them!"

The girl whale says "look, I went along with the blow job, but I'm not swallowing the seamen."

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How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive West.

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How do you Circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers.

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Worst Joke Ever

Two whales are sitting in a bar and one whale says "eeeyyoooo eeeeyyy yyeeooo oooyyy ooeeeee" and the other whale says "Shut up Steve, you're drunk."

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What do you call a depressed whale with erectile dysfunction?

Mopey Dick.

^^I ^^am ^^so, ^^so ^^sorry.

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Dad joke 101

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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Two whales walk into a bar...

The first whale says oooOOOOoOooOOoOoooOOOOoOoOOOooooOo

The second whale says: "Karl you're drunk!"

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Two whales.

Two whales are sitting at a bar. One of them suddenly says: "Mmmwaamm!"
The second whale looks over and and says: "Holy shit, you're fucking drunk."

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What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing- they just waved.


Are you shore you get it?


Do you sea what I did there?


I should shell some better puns


But I cant dolphink of any!


And what would be the porpose of that?


When Im having a whale of a time saying these?


Sorry if these jokes are making you crabby.

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What's a whales favorite musical group?

An orcastra

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Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn't

She said she's just not that Inuit.

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A son Whale asks a father Whale "Where did I come from?"

The father Whale replies "From my penis"

The son Whale says "Oh....thanks"

Father Whale says "You're Whalecum"

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What did the beached whale say to Chris Christie?

Well, looks like we both know how to empty a beach, huh?

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How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper?

Take the M4, across the Severn Bridge.

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What do you call a whale with erectile dysfunction?

Mopey Dick.

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Have you tried the whale sushi?

It's Killer

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Two whales drinking in a bar

One turns to the other and says "Yewwwwwoooooooooooowwwwwahhhhhmmmmmmm". The other whale says "Geez Bob, you sure are hammered".

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Do you like whales?

Cause I thought we could "Humpback" at my place.

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How To Speak Irish.

Whale

Oil

Beef

Hooked

(Say it fast)

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What did the whale say after eating the boat?

"This tastes like ship."

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What's an Irishmans favourite saying?

Whale oil beef hooked

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So a pirate walks into a grocery store...

And he asks for blubber. The clerk is amazed to see a pirate and exclaims "Are you *really* a pirate!?"

"Aye, matey."

"Whale: aisle B!" replied the surprised-yet-helpful clerk.

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Why should you never trust a whale with your secrets?

They're huge blubbermouths.

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A whale asks his whale dad a question

"where did I come from dad?" asked the whale son

"you came from my penis" said the dad

"Thanks dad" said the son

"you're whalecum" said the whale dad

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What do you use to circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers.

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What's the difference between a blue whale and your mother?

One is the largest known mammal on earth, the other is a blue whale.

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A joke from my 8 year old cousin

How do you put a whale in a car?

You can't you idiot!

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How do you circumcise a whale?

You send down four skin-divers

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The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.

It was very carefully orca-strated.

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A lion and a tiger make a liger, a whale and dolphin a wolphin, a squid and octopus a scquoctopus. What would a five-year old and a horse be?

Definitely illegal.

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Father and son have a talk..

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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There were two whales at a bar.

The first whale says to the second (make whale noises until everyone is a little uncomfortable).

Then the second whale says back to the first (inhale sharply), "Go home Frank. You're drunk."

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Have you heard that Eskimos eat whale meat and
blubber?

Well, you'd blubber too if you had to eat whale meat.

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Three whales walk into a bar...

Bartender says whale whale whale!

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Two whales walk into a bar. One goes 'eeeeoouuwwwwweewew!'

The other goes 'Fred, you're drunk.'

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A father and son whale are watching the sun set in the Atlantic Ocean

A father and son whale are watching the sun set in the Atlantic Ocean. The son whale then asks his father "Where did I come from?" The father whale replies "From my penis, son." The son sighs and says "Thanks dad." The father whale smiles and says "You're whale cum son."

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What happens if you hump a whale?

They humpback

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How many people are needed to circumcise a whale?

How many people are needed to circumcise a whale?
foreskin divers

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What's the difference between a lesbian and a sperm whale?

Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.

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TIL Humans eat more krill than whales.

I can't remember the last time I've eaten a whale.

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Two Whales are Sitting at a Bar

One whale looks over to the other and says "Eeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooouuuuuuu" and the other whale looks at him and says, "Man you're really fucked up"

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How do you circumsize a blue whale?

Four skindivers

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On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.

When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."

Worst son-burn ever.

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One day at school, the kids are asked what pet animals they like...

One day at school, the kids are asked what pet animals they like.

John says: The bear ... because he has fluffy fur.

Kelly says: The lion, because of his mane.

Mike: I like the flatfish.

The teacher, surprised, asks: Why the flatfish?

Mike: Because it's flat.

Teacher: Do you know why it's flat?

Mike: Because it was fucked by a whale.

The next day inspection. The same story ...

Mike, reprimanded the day before, answers: the frog.

Teacher : Why the frog?

Mike: Because he has bulging eyes.

Teacher, relaxed: And you know why he has bulging eyes?

Mike: Obviously ... He saw the flatfish getting fucked by the whale to much.

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Two whales walk into a bar.

The first one says to the second one "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWONNNKKKKKWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOO"

The second whale says "For F**ks sake Frank, what the hell is wrong with you!"

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I See your 7 year old jokes and I raise my own, What do you get when you cross the ocean with a Train Station?

A Whale Way

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Which four words can give you an Irish accent?

Whale

oil

beef

hooked.

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When traveling the coast, a struggling merchant and his wife come accross a giant beached whale with gold coins oozing from its mouth. When his wife asked if they should take the gold for themselves, the merchant replied...

"Midas whale"

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Two whales are sitting at a bar...

One whale says to the other whale,

"aroooooooooooclickclickarooooooooogggggggggaaaaaaaaaachirpchirpsarrrrrrooogggaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooogggaaaaaaaaaa " *whale sounds*

The other whale says, "Man you are fucked up!"

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Did you hear about the gay whale bothering the Navy?

It bit the head off a submarine and sucked all the seamen out...

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The tale of the Almost Genie

So, a friend of mine found an almost genie. Like a regular genie, but you only ALMOST get what you want. Anyways, he panics and wishes to be turned into dolphin jizz. The genie proceeds to say "your wish has approximately been granted" , and of course my friend says "uh, thank you?"

The genie replies, "you're whale cum"

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I asked my marine-biologist friend when is Whale Watching season?

He said ," Year round if you sign up for Tinder"

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Whale whale whale...

... if it isn't a pod.

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From where did the sperm whale get it's name?

Ask your grandparents.

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What do you call a bunch of octupuses and whales going on strike together?

Octopi whale street!

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Have you ever eaten a whale?

It's delicious, but a lot.

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A son whale asks his father "Dad, where did I come from?"

"You come from your mother, son."

"Thanks, dad."

"You're whalecum."

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A Baby Whale asks his father where he came from...

His father says, "My penis, son."

"Oh, thanks Dad"

"You're Whalecum"

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How do you circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers

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What are the best Whale puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Whale? Well, here are the best jokes about Whale to have fun with.

Joko Jokes