Whack Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

The bad golfer goes ::Whack:: "Damn it!"
The bad sky diver goes "Damn it!" ::Whack::

What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

One goes

**Whack**
"Shit!"

and the other goes

"Shit!"
**Whack**

How many Fingers ?

A blonde gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. "How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears. "Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

Bubba

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

So I was whacking off in a public bathroom...

so i was whacking off in a public bathroom

and i accidentally ejaculated on the guy in the next stall's shoe


_Talk about getting off on the wrong foot!_

A 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom....

"You know what" says the 7 year old. "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go down for breakfast I'll swear first, then you."

"OK" says the 4 year old.

They go downstairs and the mom asks what they'd like for breakfast.

"I'll have Coco pops bitch!"

WHACK! He flew out of his chair bawling his eyes out.

The mom looked at the 4 year old and sternly said "And what do you want?"

"Don't know, but it won't be fucking Coco pops"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is Mick Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".

What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom...

'I think it's about time we started swearing', says the 7 year old. 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast - 'Oh, shit Mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops bitch'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know, but it sure as shit won't be fucking Coco Pops'.


Kinda old but i only just heard this one, gold.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

The golfer goes: Whack! SHIT!

The skydiver goes: SHIT! Whack!



Credit to u/perb123

when the boys started to swear...

There are two brothers, aged four and six.

The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."

The four year old says "OK."

The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'HELL' and you say 'ASS.'

"The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs and their mother says
"What would you boys like for breakfast?
"The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."

WHACK!

The kid goes flying across the room.

The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

The four year old says

"I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."

What's the difference between golf and sky-diving?

In golf, it's "*whack*... Fuck!" And in sky-diving, it's "Fuck!... *whack*".

What's the difference between a Golf player and skydiver?

One goes:

*Whack*, "Darn!"

While the other goes:

"Darn!", *Whack*


PS: Not sure if this was posted before, but i think it's still funny.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller...

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)

What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!

What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!

What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!

Have you read the news?

I was reading the news the other day and came across a story from Vietnam. There were two gentlemen working in a rice paddy when one became enraged at the other and bludgeoned him to death with a small ceramic figurine. Reports indicate that this is the first ever case of knick-knack paddy whack.

A frog goes into a bank...



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A frog needs a loan...

...so he goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks 'Okay, well what's your name?' The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, son of the musician Mick Jagger.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who wants a loan and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' The bank manager looks back at her and says 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!'

Did you hear that a mob boss was killed...

Did you hear that a mob boss was killed in a rice field by assailants wielding small figurines?

Police are saying it's the first recorded instance of a knick knack patty whack.

What's the Mafias favorite game?

whack a mole

A man laying carpet in an old lady's home.

When he's finished he looks around for his pack of cigarettes but as he does so he notices a lump in the middle of the carpet. "Damn it," he says to himself. "I must have dropped my cigarettes on the floor and carpeted over them. I know, I'll whack the pack with my hammer and flatten it out." So he gets out his hammer and beats the bump flat. Just at that moment the old lady walks in with his cigarettes in her hand "here," she says "you must have left these in the kitchen. Now if only I could find my pet gerbil..."

A hitman was caught by the police one day.

After a long interrogation he confessed that he was hired beat to a man to death in a rice field and he did it using 2 small porcelain figures. Police say that this was the first case in town of a knick knack paddy whack.

A hitman beats a cow to death in a ricefield using two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this is the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll

He was accused of knick-knack paddy whack

What's the difference between a golfer and a hang-glider?

When the golfer fails he goes *WHACK* FUCK , when the hang-glider fails he goes FUCK *WHACK*

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.







Cr

70% of men whack off in the shower. The rest of them sing. You know what they sing?

...No, I didn't think you did.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

New CEO at a candy company

A large candy company hires a new CEO. The CEO decides in her first month to review the various aspects of the business in order to look for areas that can be improved.

After several days of looking over various aspects of the business she gets to reviewing the Department of Taste. As she is reviewing their numbers she realizes that the financial records for the department are totally out of whack. Nothings adding up correctly to the point she's unable to tell if the department is operating within budget or not.

So she decides to call up the CFO and go over the numbers with him. She explains the problem and asks "Why the fuck is the budget so messed up for the Department of Taste?"

The CFO replies "Well ser, you see there's no accounting for taste."

A Frog goes into a bank to get a loan

He approaches the woman at the loan application desk and notes that her name tag reads: Patty Whack. The Frog says, "Excuse me, I'd like to apply for a loan." The woman, very surprised that a talking frog was in her bank immediately refuses, saying, "We only work with humans, no animals can get loans here....besides, you don't have any collateral." The Frog hurriedly pulls a little troll doll out of his pocket. "Yes I do! Take my Troll. She means the world to me." At this point the woman is upset and goes to the bank's President. "Sir, there is a frog outside trying to get a loan from us. He won't leave and he says this troll doll is enough collateral!" The President takes the doll, looks it over very carefully and says, "IT'S A KNICK KNACK, PATTY WHACK! NOW GIVE THE FROG A LOAN!"

Kermit Jagger walks into a bank

and walks up to the teller, Patricia Whack and asks for a loan. The teller asks for something as collateral. Kermit produces a tiny porcelain elephant. The teller doesn't understand so Kermit asks to see the manager. The manager comes out and looks at Kermit and the tiny porcelain elephant. Patricia asks the manager what to do with the elephant? Manager says "it's a knick-knack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

What did the abusive mallard say to his duck wife?

Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack.

A Kermit the frog goes to get a loan at a bank.

He gets to the counter and states his request to the teller, Mrs. Whack.

Mrs. Whack: "Can you give a down payment or give us something to hold until your debt is paid off?"

The frog puts a tiny pink elephant on the counter in front of her. Mrs. Whack is very confused.

Kermit: "My father, Mick Jagger is friends with the manager. Go ask him if he will accept it."

So Mrs. Whack goes to the manager with the request and the pink elephant.

Manager: "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a rolling stone."

I hope this hasn't been posted before. I just remembered it while reading a joke about a bank. Sorry if this is a repost.

I have to come clean...

So I just whack off in the shower.

Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton are playing at a charity golf tournament.

Bill sees Tiger at the urinals and peeks down to see that Tiger is very well endowed.


"Tiger, what is your secret?" Bill asks.

Tiger responds: "It's really simple. Every night before I get in bed I whack my dick against my bedpost 3 times. It's been working for me for years!"


Bill goes home that night and as he's about to get into bed, he decides to try Tiger's trick. So he takes his dick out and whacks in on the bedpost 3 times.

Hillary shuffles in bed -- "Tiger...is that you?"

A man was arrested for killing a cow in a rice field using only 2 small porcelain figures.

Police say this may be the first known case of a Knick-knack paddy whack.

The Whacking Party

James went to his doctor to get a double dose of Viagra.

Doctor: I can't give you double dose
James: why not?!
Doctor: it's not safe
James: (arguing) but I really need it badly!
Doctor: why do you need it badly?
James: My girlfriend is coming tomorrow(Friday);
Then my ex-wife will be coming on Saturday;
Then my wife will come home on Sunday;
You know my situation. I need my double dose.
Doctor: (doubtful) ok, I'll give it to you in one condition, you need to come on Monday to check if there were any side effects

James went back to his doctor on Monday dragging himself with a sling on his right arm

Doctor: what happen to you?
James: none of them turn up!

State troopers arrested an alleged assassin accused of bludgeoning a man to death with two small porcelain figurine in a rice fieldโ€”

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

What's a German's favorite game?

Whack a pole

Bubba and the bedpost whacking

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

A man was killed in a rice field by a small porcelain doll....

It was the very first knick-knack, patty whack

Last night was horrible, my wife suddenly died so I had to whack off to a Victoria's Secret catalog.

Edit (spelling): wifi

A Frog walks into a bank looking for a loan

Bank Teller ("Whack" on her name tag"): Hello, what would you like?

Frog: I would like a loan.

Mrs. Whack: What is your name?

Frog: Kermit.

Mrs. Whack: You're not Kermit The Frog.

Kermit: No, I was named after him. Name's Kermit Jagger, father's name is Mick Jagger, mother's a frog.

Mrs. Whack: Okay, do you have any collateral

Kermit pulls out a tiny pink elephant

Mrs. Whack: Let me check that with my manager

Patty Whack goes into the back and asks the manger what the pink elephant is

Manager: That's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone.

Cr

Knick Knack Paddy Whack gave a dog a bone

Current bestiality laws have him looking at 6 months to a year.

When an Irishman is so drunk that his vision is out of whack...

...he is said to be doublin' Ireland

What are the funniest whack jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Whack? Well, here are the best Whack puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Whack pick up lines to share with friends.

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