Gather Around for Heartwarming Wet Jokes and Uplifting Humor
I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?
They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.
Coconut.
My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
(Please don't kick us out, just lettuce leave)
I like my women like I like my snow
Heavy & wet
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. I have an interesting case here, he says. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped. Have you arrested her? asks the sergeant. No, not yet. The floor's still wet.
Mars: I'm wet...
NASA: I'm coming!
I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.
I think it's time to make a stand.
Missing my dad today. Here's the friends in low places parody he used to sing to us at bathtime.
I take baths in wet places
Where the waters warm
And the soap chases my dirty away
I'm clean today
Now I'm not big on washing faces
Think I'll slip on down and wash other places
I take baths
In wet places
Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…
…are not a request…
You can explore wet soggy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wet wetter dad jokes. There are also wet puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
"Give it to me! Give it to me now, I'm so f*cking wet!"
She could scream all she wanted, I was not giving her the umbrella.
Mars and NASA
Mars: Come over
NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away
Mars: I'm wet
NASA: I'm coming over
My girlfriend told me, "I need it! I'm so wet! Give it to me, now!"
I told her she can scream all she wants, she's not getting my umbrella
I lent a girl an unbrella today
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.
"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?
Gum
Why are hurricanes named with female names?
Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.
My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles
Straight until you get them wet.
A man goes for a walk in the park.
On his walk, he sees two men sat on a park bench and looking very down.
"What's wrong?" He asked them.
One of the men look up at the man and let's out a long sigh:
"Take a seat and I'll tell you."
Curious, he sat down next to the two men.
"The paints wet." He said.
What do you call a wet baby owl?
A moist owlette.
Why are most hurricanes named after women?
When they come in, it's exciting and wet, but after they leave, half your s**...'s gone.
I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique
no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.
So today my wife was screaming Give it to me, I'm so wet! give it to me!
She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.
What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her wet floor sign?
Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.
Why was Billy Joel's laundry still wet?
Because he didn't start the dryer
My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.
I got such a fright I almost wet her p**....
Two policemen . . .
Two policemen call the station on their radio.
"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband
dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Why are most hurricanes named after a woman?
When they come, they come wet and wild. When they leave they take your house and your car!
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station...
"I have an interesting case here," he said. "A woman just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant,
"No, not yet. The floors still wet."
My son handed me his report card and I asked him, Why is this wet?
He said, My grades are below C level.
Why do they name all hurricanes after women?
Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car
Women are like hurricane...
...when they're coming, they are nice and wet. When they're leaving, they take cars, houses...
Give it to me, She screamed. I'm so wet, give it to me now!
She could yell all she wanted, but I was keeping my umbrella.
Why are women like a Hurricane?
They come at you all hot and wet and leave you without a house or car...
Why was the student's report card wet?
Because his grades were below C-level.
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
A cops calls for backup from a crime scene
This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir, the floor is still wet.
Vaginas are like the weather
If its wet, its time to go inside.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
Bonus: by u/kismetpink They're straight until I get them wet
Bonus by u/Shaded_Trees: They both go limp after being warmed up
Was kicked out of Walmart today.
When I walked in I saw a "Wet Floor" sign. So I did.
A police officer called the station on his radio.
I have an interesting situation here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
Have you arrested the woman?
No, the floor's still wet.
I met a little boy today.
He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.
I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.
I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"
As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.
"Yeah. What gave me away?"
I leaned in close and whispered,
"Your parents."
While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back.
I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"
-true story, just happened.
Why were hurricanes and tropical storms originally always given women's names?
Because when they first come along it's all wet and wild with lots of suckin and blowin, but by the time it's over and they leave - your house is gone, your boat's gone, your truck's gone...
After 10 years of raising their child
, the mother notices that the kid looks different.
So, she decided to do a DNA test.
The results come out, and show that the child isn't theirs.
She tells her husband, "I have some terrible news, dear. This is not our baby!".
The husband replies, "yes, do you not remember?
When we were about to leave the hospital, you noticed that the baby had wet it's daipers and told me 'honey, go change the baby' ".
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
Little Suzy wet herself in class one day..
The teacher asked "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She said "I did! but it ran out through my fingers!"
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you s**... it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it.
Man, threading a needle is tough!
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
"Give it to me" she begged,"Give it to me..." "I'm so wet, oh god, I'm so wet...I want it NOW!" She screamed....
But,there's no way I would give up that umbrella, to anyone.
Wifes are like hurricanes
When they come they're warm and wet and when they go they take your house with them
Triplets
There are triplets in a mothers w**..., talking about what they want to do when they grow up.
The first triplet says "When I grow up, I will be an electrician, because it's too dark in here."
The second triplet says "When I grow up, I will be a plumber, because it's too wet in here."
The third triplet says, "When I grow up I want to be a boxer, so that I can beat up that bald guy who comes in here and spits on us all the time!"
Why i love redheads?
Because if roof is rusty it's always wet in basement.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella while it was raining
That takes the amount of girls I've made wet to -1
Two guys are walking in the rain
A speeding car splashes them with water before disappearing.
o**... says to the other, You know if this was Paris, they would stop, take you to their house, take your wet clothes, offer you drinks, and let you spend the night.
No way! says the other guy.
Yes way, says the first guy. It happened to my wife.
I didn't win the wet t-shirt contest.
Which is b**... because I ate more t-shirts than anyone else.
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...
It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"
Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...
When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Air Force airman says "I'd call the front desk and ask why the h**... there's a tent in my room".
What do you get when you buy a $5 umbrella?
Wet.
Source: me, now.
What do women and hurricanes have in common?
When they come, they're wet and wild. When they leave, they take your house and your car
