Western Jokes

What are some Western jokes?

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

3 men are in a Soviet Prison

They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?

"Sorry, not Sari."

Woof

A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's suicide. They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, Stupid Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure:

The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what 'opinion' was. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' was. In the middle east no one could figure out what 'solution' was; and in america they had no idea what 'the rest of the world' meant.

UN Food Survey Fails...

UN Phone Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

A devout Muslim entered a cab in London

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,

"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?

The customer says, Female.

The counter guy asks, Black or white?

The customer says, White.

The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?

The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?

The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.

Ravens

Humorous story from the web:

Researchers for the Western Australian Main Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and confirmed that it was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during the analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The MRD then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The O.B quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".

Math in the real world

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. "You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years."

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

*I found this joke again while browsing and deleting my old facebook notes. This was from 2007.*

With the situation in Ukraine...

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production!
- We will work three shifts!
- Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...

How many Country and Western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five.  

One to change the bulb and four to sing about how much they loved the old one.

Russia can still win the world cup

Putin just has to make quite a lot of progress quickly on the Western front.

What do you call the western half of Kenya?

Kenya West

What did the eastern Russian say to the western Russian in the bathroom?

"European."

What's the difference between Western and Middle -Eastern atheists?

Western atheists have heads.

Someone asked Ghandi what he thought about Western Civilization

He thought it could be a really good idea

A man is traveling to the coast of South Western Asia, and he asks his friend if she wants to go with him. She says:

"Yemen, shore."

Western tourist in North Korea

So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument.
"Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said

his tour guide noddedβ€” "yes, we must be very proud."

Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations...

The question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:


* In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant...


* In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant...


* In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant...


* In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant...


* In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant...


* In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant...


* And in the USA, they didn't know what "rest of the world" meant.

There was 5 Chinese immigrants. Their names were chu, lu, bu, fu, and su.

When they decided to go to America, they decided to change their names to something more western. They renamed themselves:
Chuck, luck, and buck. Fu and Su didn't get a passport because they committed tax fraud.

An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar

The bartender says
"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"

What does it mean "the rest of the world?

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

What happens if you play a country western song backwards?

Your pickup truck starts, your wife comes back home, and your dog comes back to life.

4 friends decide to emigrate from China to the United States

Their names are Chu, Tu, Bu, and Fu.
They have a discussion and decide that it may be a good idea to change their names to sound more western, so they improvise on their names.
Chu changes his name to Chuck,
Tu changes his name to Tuck,
Bu changes his name to Buck,
And Fu decides to go back to China

What does Vladimir Putin call a waterslide made from the tears of Western Europeans?

Crimea River.

Young Bill

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.


One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion humping one of his mares.


He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.


He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."


Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"

I saw this really good movie in a hotel..

There were a lot of gunfights, cowboys, saloons and drinking. It was the Best Western I've ever seen.

All western rock classics are banned in North Korea.

Except Sweet Child in a Mine

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker. The first one said.

Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of delaying the revolution. the second commiserated.

Well I was on time to work and I was still sent here. The third said.

Why? They ask.

I was accused of owning a western watch!

Why do 19th century western women insist on staying in the kitchen?

It's easier to control the arsenic.

Old western stranger

An old man sitting at the edge of an old western town sees a silhouette approaching from the dusty horizon. Its not long before he realizes that it is a 3 legged dog limping toward him. The old man shouts a warning to the dog "we dont take kindly to strangers around here". The 3 legged dog limps like john wayne while slowly raising his gaze up to look straight into the old mans eyes with a piercing stare and says" Im lookin for the man who shot my paw"

Why are socially-aware western tourists avoiding Nice, France for their late-summer getaways?

All that Muslim hatred can really run you down.

What's the best part about being middle eastern ?

For the price of a one way trip to a western country you get a roundtrip ticket.

Why does no one swim in the western coast of South America?

Because the water is Chile

What's the difference between a Western girl and an Arab girl?

The Western girl gets stoned **before** she commits adultery.

Great idea

Journalist: What do you think of western civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a great idea!

Singing French Knights

In the Middle Ages, Western France was known for it singing knights. The most famous group were a bunch of lancers from the town of Brittany. They were known as the Brittany Spears.

Columbus Day is a really sore subject for me. It's so hard for me to honor the holiday while ignoring one of the biggest crimes in human history...

The introduction of Tobacco into western society.

See the new gay Western movie?

All the good guys are hung.

Old Lenny

Old Lenny lived far out in the western mountains of Maine. He had spent all of his 80 years living on the family homestead.

One morning, two land surveyors appeared at his doorstep. The first one spoke: "Now Lenny, we know you is a proud Mainer, but it seems you ain't in Maine at all. We jist finished surveyin' this whole township, and your house is actually on the New Hampshire side of the state line."

"Wicked decent," says old Lenny, "I'd had enough of them Maine winters anyhow."

Told my wife that I am taking her to "The Amazing Escape Room" for Valentines day....

...I hope she likes The Best Western!

Asian politicians

Asian politicians are hornier than any other politicians because...


Western politicians have elections while Asian politicians have erections.

What song did Cortez sing as he neared the north western end of South America?

"It's beginning to look a lot like Isth-mus!"

Putin on the Ritz

It is not the Best Western hotel.

Bow Wow

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram.

He fills out a form and writes down the telegram he wishes to send:

"Bow wow wow, bow wow wow."

The clerk says,

"You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."

The dog looks at the clerk and says,

"Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

Why were the Soviets able to beat the Western Allies to Berlin?

Because they were Russian!

I think I might be watching a spaghetti western . . .

Everyone keeps saying "Ciaody pardner"

What is an Asian's favorite western music genre?

Wok 'n' Woh

Why don't we see Neanderthals outside of Central to Western Eurasia?

Because they're all dead.

What's the contour integral of western Europe?

Zero, because the poles are in eastern Europe.

How to make Western jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Western to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Western? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Western pick up lines to share with friends.

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