Welsh Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

The history of the condom.

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.



In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.

~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had sex...

He started counting then fell asleep.

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

How does a Welshman find sheep in long grass?

Irresistible.

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

The wife just told me"I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".....

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

What's the Welsh word for shearing a sheep?

Foreplay

A man asks his Welsh friend how many sexual partners he's had to this day

The Welshman starts counting but falls asleep.

Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines?

The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.

A Welshman died at the weekend...

Friends say he died the way he would have wanted; comfortably in his sheep

My Welsh Friend

I asked my welsh mate how many sexual partners he had had, but I never got to find out. Everytime he tried counting them he fell asleep.

What is the most popular bank in Wales?

Welsh Fargo...

...gramps made me do it.

Short joke I thought of.

What's the difference between sheep and women?

The Welsh don't know yet either.

How do Welsh farmers practice safe sex?

Spray a red 'X' on the back of ones that kick.

How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?

Attractive

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian...

...are at a hospital. All of their wives had given birth that day, but there was mix-up with the babies and the doctors were unsure who's baby was who's, and there was no way to tell so the three fathers had to pick a baby each.
The indian was quite sure which baby was his, because his child had brown skin, so he let the Englishman pick first.
The Englishman goes into the room with the babies and leaves with the brown baby, much to the Indian's terror who says:
"what are you doing? That baby is obviously mine!"
to which the Englishman replies:
"Yeah, but one of those babies is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances."

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?"

The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby. The Pakistani man stands up and shouts "What do you think you're doing?!"

And the Englishman said "Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs.

Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from
Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.

The English woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave
him a nice warm hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave
him a gentle kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said: "Av ya ever been fooked before, Laddie? The
man broke into a big smile and said, "No I haven't."

She said, "Aye Lad, ya will be when the tide comes in."

The Welsh were the first people to use a sheep's intestine as a condom.

The English improved the design by removing the rest of the sheep prior to use.

A Welsh guy was getting his driver's license.

He had to take a vision test, so they showed him a line of letters that said: B W N S T R Y D D W L L

They asked, "Can you read the letters?" The man replied, "Are you kidding? I'm *from* that town!"

How does a Welshman find his sheep in long grass?

i r r e s i s t i b l e (Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.

"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.

"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly sceptical.

The man leaves and enters again with the biggest newt the bartender had ever seen. It was almost a meter long and the bartender was shocked silent.

"This is my newt: Tiny." The man tells the bartender.

"Tiny? But it's massive!" The bartender says in shock.

"He's called Tiny because he's my newt."

How do you pronounce oddly spelt Welsh words?

Caerphilly

Do dolphins speak Welsh?

Or is it just Wales.

My Welsh grandfather passed away yesterday

He died peacefully in his sheep.

I asked my Welsh friend how many partners he's had in his life...

he started to count and he fell asleep.

TIL that the Welsh first made condoms out of sheep intestines

The English then improved the idea by taking it out of the animal first

A Welsh man goes for an eye test.

Doctor: Can you read this chart from top to bottom please.

Welshman: Read it!? I know the guy!

How's a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?

Satisfying.

Why do Welshmen like to embarrass their wives?

It makes them rather sheepish.

We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said…

"Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front."

Where he first had sex

A Welsh farmer is out in a field with his son preparing the soil for planting. The farmer points to a corner of the field and tells his son

"Boy, that's where I had my first woman"

"Really?" replied the son

"Yup" said the farmer "and her mother was watching"

"What did she say" the boy asked

and the farmer told him "baaaaaaa"

A Welshman, Scot and Englishman

A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each.

The Scot says: I am a sheep herder, like my dad before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms. Whoosh, and so it was.

The Englishman was amazed and says: I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out. Bang, there was a wall around England.

The Welshman says: Tell me more about this wall.

The genie says: It's 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.

The Welshman says: Fill it with water.

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS...

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS. The commander decides to put them to the test to see if they have what it takes.

He gives the English man a gun and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The English man looks appalled and says 'I can't do that I love her and we have two children'

He gives the gun to the Welsh man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Welsh man walks through the door but walks out immediately 'I can't kill my wife, I love her and we have 3 children.'

The commander gives the gun to the Irish man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Irish man walks through the door and the commander hears three shots fired and then a lot of grunting and groaning.

The Irish man comes out of the room and the commander says 'what happened?' The Irish man replied 'Well commander the gun was full of blanks so I had to strangle her."

The best way to eat Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly.

How does a welshman find sheep in long grass?

Delightful.

What do the Welsh call safe sex?

Spray painting the sheep that bite.

I had a welsh friend who tried counting all his lovers to me

but each time, I kept falling asleep

The Welsh were among the first to use sheep intestines as condoms....

The English perfected them by removing them from the sheep before using.

How do Welsh people name their towns?

Caerphilly

My mom's Welsh and my dad's Hungarian

Her: What's that make you?

Me: Wel-hung

How do Welsh farmers find their sheep in the long grass?

Delightful!

How do you make a Welsh person comfortable while playing Scrabble?

Remove the vowels in his rack.

How does a Welshman find sheep in tall grass?

Irresistible.

Why do Welsh people keep their sheep facing the cliff?

So they push back.

Did you hear about the Welsh baseball referee who circles the world each day?

The sun never sets on the British umpire.

The Welsh have been using sheep intestine as a contraceptive for hundreds of years.

It is only recently that they have decided to take the intestine out of the sheep.

Why are Welsh farmers no good at producing animals?

They only rear sheep

How come the Welsh can't keep track of how many they've had sex with with?

Well, they start counting, but they fall asleep before they're finished.

A Welshman enters a game show....

A Welshman enters a game show, and he is given the choice of three doors: Behind one door is a car; behind the others, sheeps.
He chooses door # 1 and the host opens door #3 to reveal a sheep behind it.
The host askes, "Do you want to change your choice?"
To which the man replies, "Nay, I'm good."

LlanfairΒ­pwllgwyngyllΒ­gogeryΒ­chwyrnΒ­drobwllΒ­llanΒ­tysilioΒ­gogoΒ­goch

Sorry, my cat walked on my keyboard and accidentally typed something Welsh.

A Welshman is talking to his girlfriend...

when she asks, "How many sexual partners did you have before me?"

"I don't know." replies the Welshman. "Everytime I try and count them I fall asleep."

The Welsh are a very shy people

They're really quite sheepish...

The Welsh had been using condoms made out of sheep intestines for centuries

The English later improved on the technique by first removing the intestines from the sheep.

An Englishman, a Scot and a Welshman walk into a bar.

They order a pint of beer each. As they are served a fly lands in their glass.

The English man pushes the pitcher away in disgust.

The Scot removes the fly with a finger and drinks the beer.

The Welsh guy picks up the fly, holds it above the pitcher and shouts : spit it out.

Why do Welsh farmers ....

Why do Welsh farmers tend to have sex with sheep on the edge of a cliff?

So the sheep will push back

I have a friend who is half Welsh and half Vietnamese

I call that a Wyn Nguyen

Offensive warning

An English man, a Welsh man and a Pakistani man are waiting at a hospital as their wives had just given birth. A midwife comes in and explains that the name tags have been messed up and they will have to work out which baby belongs to who. The English man, by right, goes first and chooses what is clearly the Pakistani child. When the baby's father points this out to him, he says I know, but there's a Welsh kid in there and I'm not taking any chances

How does a Welsh man pleasure himself at the cliff edge with a pair of large Wellington boots?

He puts the back legs of a sheep into his boots and walks towards the edge.

What do you call a welsh man with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

"It's said like it's spelt" is easy to follow

Unless it's said by a Welsh person

Released after 5 years for sheep rustling

Welsh tongue twister champion from
LlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogOGOgoch ...........................................................said "It was a tuff sentence"

The wealthy loves the sexy ship

While the Welsh loves the sexy sheep

Drunk Welsh man walks into a bar

A drunk welsh man walks into a bar. How many women are pregnant at the end of the night? None, but I wouldn't eat the lamb!

How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly.

What do the English and Welsh have in common?

Kids are their definition of a good time.

What you call a healthy, large aquatic mammal living in a structure that gives access to ground water that is located west of England?

A well Welsh well whale

Two members of Welsh rock band The Automatic have quit.

The remaining two now call themselves The Semi-automatic.

My dad always says he's Welsh and Hungarian...

I guess that make me Well Hung

Who came first, the sheep or the cow?

Depends on who the Welsh farmer fancies the most.

My father is Hungarian and my mother is Welsh

That makes me well hung....

How do you say goodbye to a Welsh person?

Farewelsh.

Why is it so hard to pronounce words in Welsh?

It is the language of Wales.

I was told it was racist to use "welsh" when someone won't pay a bet. They said to use "renege".

So I called them a bunch of renegers instead.

the horse meat scandal

during the recent horse meat scandal in the UK they discovered that the Welsh lamb in Asda ( Walmart ) had 2% human dna.

Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Only the Welsh ones.

A welsh farmer has 895 sheep.

That is a lot of wives.

An English, Scot, Welsh and Irishman walk into a bar.

Then they all had to leave because the Englishman voted to.

Why did the Welshman buy so many tampons at the store?

Because his wife wouldn't stop bleating all over the place.

It is said that the Welsh were the first to use condoms, by making them out of sheep intestines.

But the English perfected this technique by removing them from the sheep first.

What did the welshman do...

...when his girlfriend asked him how many sexual partners he'd had?

Fell Asleep

A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream.

He shouted over in Welsh: Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!

The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.

But still the man couldn't hear him.

Finally the farmer walked right up to him and repeated his warning. To which the man replied: Dreadfully sorry, my good man, I can't understand a word you say. Can you speak English, old chap?

Oh I see, said the farmer. I was just saying if you use both hands you can get more in.

What are the funniest welsh jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Welsh? Well, here are the best Welsh puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Welsh pick up lines to share with friends.

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