Welcome Jokes
121 welcome jokes and hilarious welcome puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about welcome that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Welcome Short Jokes
Short welcome jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The welcome humour may include short jokes also.
- TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.
- a guy got an interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board - My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says Welcome! Come in and make a seat.
- "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?" "Because we conceived her in Paris."
"ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat." - What does the narcissistic cow say? "Meeeeee!"
I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome. - God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy! worm: Thanks for the worm welcome
God: *creates birds* - "Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
- Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full? Applicant: It's completely full.
Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory. - Boss: Why do you- Me: *sshhh*
Boss: What is your biggest wea-
Me: *sshhh*
Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library. - Plastic surgery anonymous "Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous, I see a lot of new faces here today and I have to say I'm really disappointed with you all..."
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Welcome One Liners
Which welcome one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with welcome? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Welcome to Masturbators Anonymous. I'm disappointed that you all came today.
- My friends that majored in English always tell me the same thing Welcome to Starbucks!
- Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous I see a lot of new faces today.
- What's 5q+5q? Them: Um, 10q.
Me: You're welcome. - Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction support group I see a lot of new faces around
- Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts meating I see a lot of new faces today
- Well... Well... Well... Welcome to stutterers anonymous
- Welcome to book-binding club Make yourself a tome.
- Welcome to the Assumption Club I think we all know why we are here.
- Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
- Hello and welcome to Contradictions Anonymous. What's your name?
- Well, well, well... Welcome to stutter class.
- Help! Rick Astley is overstaying his welcome at my house! He's never gonna say goodbye.
- Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
- Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Who wants a cold one?
Welcome Back Jokes
Here is a list of funny welcome back jokes and even better welcome back puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency. Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
- Harry Potter wakes up in hospital. "Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor.
"What happened?" asked Harry
"You ran face first into a wall." - Apparently I was mistaken about the meaning of "gender-fluid" And I'm not welcome back at that support group ever again.
- A dad joke is just a pair of back to back sentences. Welcome to the punitentiary.
- Welcome to the 2018 Golden Globes Where Hollywood will pat itself on the back and several men will pat Hollywood on the front
- Literal People Anonymous Welcome to Literal People Anonymous, would everyone please take a seat. NO, WAIT! BRING THOSE CHAIRS BACK!
- Michigan is the First State to Welcome Back Sub-$1 Gas Just flip on your water faucet and you'll get it for free
- Welcome back My name isn't Back, it's Dad, gosh
- "Welcome back, happy New Year!" "Thank you!"
"Welcome!"
And that's the last time I'm taking Bollywood movie suggestions from my friends. - Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.
Welcome Aboard Jokes
Here is a list of funny welcome aboard jokes and even better welcome aboard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dyslexic Dave had a little too much to drink and decided to take public transit home. As he boarded, the driver said Welcome aboard the Main Street Express... .... whoops, sorry, wrong bus.
Welcome Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about welcome you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make welcome pranks.
I held the door open for an old japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
Satan arrives to welcome a new d**... soul to h**....
"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?
How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?
Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.
*Edit*: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!
A s**... bomber went to heaven.
The Angel at the front desk greeted him.
"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very h**... virgins waiting for you!"
"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"
The Angel smiled.
"Who mentioned women?"
A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about
Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".
The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"
Welcome to the s**... Innuendo Club
Thank you all for coming.
Welcome to m**... Addicts Anonymous!
I see everyone came today, which is disappointing.
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.
Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.
Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.
Man: Hi, I'd like to book a t**... for the weekend.
Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.
Man: Are you sure? I really need the t**....
Yoda: There is no tri, only du.
A guy named Bob dies and goes to h**...
Before him stands the Devil.
"Hello, Bob. Welcome to h**..." the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of h**... and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"
"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob
"Level 1 is the hottest level because heat rises. You would know that if you studied for your science test, Bob"
Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say i'm really disappointed.
Society is full of double standards
For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half n**..., singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".
A higgs boson particle walks into the Vatican
The Pope says, "you call yourself the God particle! Your blasphemy is not welcome here, get out!"
The higgs boson particle says "but you can't have mass without me."
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: h**... - $15'.
The girl asks: 'Can I help?
'Yes,' says the man, 'the h**..., are you the one giving them?'
The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'
The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
A man dies and goes to h**....
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to h**..., Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
I just bought a new computer...
When i turned it on, instead of saying "Welcome", it said " Hello".
It's a Dell.
I had a rancher ask me to help him round up his cattle. I asked him how many he has and he stated 99.
I said 100, you're welcome!
I was once driving down the road..
..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,
Welcome to Speed Limit
Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?
Welcome to the shutdown...
People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.
Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.
Karen: Thanks....
Me: You're welcome, b**....
I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.
Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.
A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.
The shelter told her the bird lived in a w**... for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
BC now stands for "Before Coronavirus"
and AD is now "After Distancing"
>!Welcome to the new dark ages!<
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous
I see some new faces with us today so I must say I'm disappointed.
Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn't want to go anywhere he doesn't feel welcome...
So what's he still doing in the white house?
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.
The whale then says
thanks if there's anything you ever need let me know
The dolphin replies
you're welcome
Then the Whale says g**.......why would you want that?
Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts association,
Nice to see a lot of new faces here today.
A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.
A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."
I just waved a $100 bill to a homeless guy on the other side of the highway
Welcome to my version of Frogger
Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic
I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.
The usher in church greets one of their members...
and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"
The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".
The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."
A man is driving a car in somewhere he doesn't know.
He sees a sign that says "Slow: 70 Km".
Seeing the sign, the man lowers the speed to 70 kilometres.
Then he sees a sign that says "Slow: 25 Km". Seeing the sign, he lowers his speed to 25 kilometres.
Then he sees a sign that says "Slow: 1 Km". The man is furious, but he lowers his speed to 1 kilometre.
After an hour he sees a sign. The sign says:
"Welcome to Slow"
Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...
...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."
The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.
The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.
The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.
Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven...
God: welcome to the St. Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know.
Conspiracy Theorist 1: Who won the 2020 US Presidential Election?
God: Joseph R. Biden
Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* s**... dude, this goes even deeper than we thought
My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party
I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them
Dating in 1962
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!
What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman?
Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?
I'm planning on starting a s**... club....
... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.
I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.
The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".
The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.
A Rabbi dies and goes to Heaven.
God is there and welcomes him.
"Hey God, you wanna hear a Holocaust joke?"
"That's weird, but yeah, go ahead" so the Rabbi tells him the joke.
"I don't get it" says God.
"Well, I guess you had to be there" says the Rabbi.
To Non-USA Redditor's
You all thought trying to enjoy Reddit without enduring US politics was hard?
Welcome to 2021 where we introduce you to our stock market!
4 college students are having a great time on spring break.
So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...
The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"
Welcome back to /u/JokeExplainBot
I banned on a rule that we had enforced in the past. However, we talked the issue over and were able to reach common ground. Sorry for any trouble this caused.
/u/ElderCunningham
An alien walks into a human brain shop
Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.
Feed a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Feed a fish a man, and you're no longer welcome at Seaworld.
Welcome to the "m**... 101" course. This is quite sudden, but there will be a test next week.
I hope all of you will come
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
So when Aphrodite sprawls out bare-a**... n**... in a giant clam shell, she's a "goddess."
But when I do it, supposedly I'm "a drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium."
Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche?
Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.
A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"
St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Husband: Guests are coming tonight.
What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.
A man walks into a costume party
Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.
A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"
"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.
"And who is this on your back?"
"Oh, that's just Michelle."
(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)
My favorite 2 liner
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces this week and I'm disappointed.
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous...
... I see a few new faces here and I have to admit, I'm disappointed.
To the lady with all the screaming kids at Walmart who's wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart...
You're welcome
Welcome to Lannister family mattress store!
Where we push two twins together to make a king.