weird Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious weird stories

What are the best weird puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Weird? Well here is a complete list of the top weird jokes:

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they're fired

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

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moles

Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"

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Big testicle

Is it weird that my one testicle is bigger than my other two?

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Weirdest thing. I just saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM.

I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "just checking my balance."

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Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.

You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.

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Did you hear about the man who enjoyed having sex with fruit?

Some people tell me he's not too weird, but I still think he's fucking bananas.

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My girlfriend just freaked me out...

she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?

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Peanut Butter

So I was balls deep in peanut butter, and I thought to myself, "Peanut Butter's a weird name for a dog, isn't it?"

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A distant relative of mine died and I came into some money...

but my friends told me that I have a weird fetish.

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My girlfriend broke up with me because of my weird pasta touching fetish...

I'm feeling *cannelloni* right now...

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So last night I was balls deep in peanut butter...

...and I thought to myself, peanut butter is a weird name for a dog.

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People think I'm weird because I swallowed an abacus

They're forgetting it's what's on the inside that counts.

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I was shopping in asda today....

I was shopping in Asda today and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic. I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly fucking kid." He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there." I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad." He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!"

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I have a weird fungal infection on my foot...

I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me.

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At the drop of a hat

I recently had sex with my woman for the first time, and apparently she was impressed. She said, "You last so much longer than the last guy I was with! He would come at the drop of a hat!" I just smiled and said thanks but all I could think was "That's a really weird fetish."

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A guy goes to see the doctor...

He says, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having these weird dreams! Last night I dreamed I was a Tee-pee and the night before that I dreamed I was a Wigwam."

The doctor looks at him thoughtfully and then says, "I think I see your problem. You're two tents."

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Quantum humor is so random

Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car. Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replied, No, but I can tell you exactly where I was. Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle. He come back up to Schrodinger and asks, Sir, did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger replied, I do now.

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I told this joke I'm telling you right now to my friend yesterday...

He said "That creates a bit of a weird paradox, doesn't it?"

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A Snowman walks into a bar...

...The Batender gets angry and yells "WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYTHING WEIRD END UP IN MY BAR?"

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A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...

...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had sex with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."

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I was so drunk last weekend, that I took a cab home...

Which was weird, because I've never driven one.

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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it.

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How does a mom in West Virginia know her daughter is on her period?

Her son's dick taste weird

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Amish Hooker

What's an Amish Hooker do?

Ten Mennonite!

(Mennonite link on the front page made me think of this one.)

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So, the other night I picked up a prostitute...

... And I began to pork her for several hours. I could tell she was really enjoying it, she made all sorts of weird noises.
I must have been going through puberty,
Because I made that hormone.

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Oh my god! there was a kidnapping right outside my house today...

So weird to see a kid sleeping on the sidewalk in the middle of the day.

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My girlfriend wants me to talk dirty during sex, but I feel weird swearing at a 12 year old.

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2 cats were talking and...

one says to the other, "Do you think its weird that humans have no tails?" In reply, the other cat said,"Actually, that's only true for half of them. The other half have a tail, but it's put on backwards."

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Everybody is a little weird, except you and I...

...and I'm not so sure about you.

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Lose 7 pounds in 3 days with this one weird trick!

Step 1. Purchase mayonnaise.
Step 2. Leave mayonnaise in the sun for 5 hours. Let it really bake.
Step 3. Eat a couple spoon fulls of the mayo.
Step 4. Lose AT LEAST 7 pounds over the next 3 days!

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My mate Jim says I might be schizophrenic...

which is weird because I don't have a mate called Jim.

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So two men walk into a bar...

Which is weird. You'd think the second one would have noticed it!

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I've been having weird dreams lately...

I keep waking up in the middle of the night because of this one weird dream that im having... i dream that im a muffler.

Im exhausted.

(It's better when you actually say it but hey i tried)

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A young female olympian goes into her coach's office in a panic...

"Coach, you gotta help me! Those steroids you gave me are making me grow hair on my chest!"

"That's really weird. How far down does the hair grow?"

"All the way down to my balls! But that's a different issue."

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Why is Jesus acting so weird lately?

Because he alone is the most high

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Did you hear that story about the radical muslim imam who converted to zionist Judaism?

Is'raeli weird.

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The Birds and the Bees

A boy hears weird noises coming from his parent's bedroom at night. In the morning he asks them what the noise was about last night. His dad replies, "son, we were making cake". The next morning, the son comes downstairs and excitedly asks his parents if they were making cake last night. His dad replies "well yes, how did you know?". The kid replies, "well dad, I licked the frosting off the bed."

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So one time this chick is going down on me,

and I give her the "courtesy tap" because I'm about to blow. She just keeps on going and I'm like, "I hit the jackpot here!" So I finish, and she leans back and picks up a glass off the coffee table and spits in it.

I was like, "Wow, that was *hot*.

She says, "Well, I don't swallow."

I say, "Well, that'd be weird if you told me you were waitin' for it to cool off.."

Stole it from somebody way funnier than me.

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I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

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A man with no arms walks into a public restroom...

and comes up to the urinal. He looks to the guy at the urinal beside him and says, "Hey man, I know this is weird but I really need to pee and obviously I can't get my own dick out. Could you please help me out here." The other man, seeing there is no one else in the restroom, decides to be a good samaritan and helps him out. After a couple of minutes the guy with no arms looks at the good samaritan and asks if he can help him put it away now. The second guy obliges again under the condition that the armless man never tell ANYONE about this. As they're leaving the second guy looks at the armless man and asks,"By the way, when I was down there I noticed some green stuff all over your penis. What was that?" "Man I have no idea I just didn't want to touch it."

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A young Arab asks his father

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn , Michigan and still wearing all this shit?"

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Professional Advice

Guy wakes up, heads down for breakfast, sees wife. She's shocked. "Honey, you look terrible!" "That's weird, I feel great."

Guy goes to work, heads into office, sees boss. He's horrified. "Jeez, Guy, you look terrible." "But I feel great." "I don't care, take the day off and get checked out."

At the doctor, Guy summarizes. "Everyone says I look terrible, but I feel great. What's wrong with me?" Doctor gets his medical book out. "I think I've heard of this before, let's see here...'looks terrible, feels terrible,' not quite, 'looks great, feels terrible,' no, that's not it, aha!"

"Right here. 'Looks terrible, feels great.' Well, Guy, it says here you're a vagina."


Joke stolen from /u/THE_PROMISE in a breaking bad thread.

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Only one, but he needs to be careful or things could get weird

How many time travelers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

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Topical Jokes (5/22)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday but we can never escape the jokes!

First up, the FCC announced today that they would start to allow more sex during peak kids' TV hours. So look out for PBS's new show starring Big Bird's cousin, Kandi Kanary, in "Sesame Red Light District".

Weird entertainment news, Paris Hilton has signed onto Cash Money Records. It's there she plans to rap under the emcee name, Li'l Self Respect.

More celebrities. Justin Bieber is now threatening to sue fans if they try to break into his home. Bieber also says he has a whole team of lawyers set up if any females try to break into his room despite the "no gurls allowed" sign.

Good news on the Catholic front, Pope Francis proclaimed that every single human has been redeemed. The Pope said, "God even forgave me for that time I got wasted and peed in the baptismal font so, seriously, stop bringing that up."

And more hopeful news, Vice President Biden told crowds today that the US is not in decline - which is expected for someone who hinges the US's status based on how many Slurpee flavors are available at 7-Eleven.

Just a quick set tonight but thanks for reading!

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Hangups

It's weird to find out people's hang ups. Some of them can be very weird. My girlfriend has one that I just don't understand. She literally freaks out if I try to watch her pee. I mean I guess it sort of makes sense since she isn't really my girlfriend but we've been dating for a while so close enough right? I mean I guess we aren't REALLY dating per se but I've been facebook stalking her for a while. OK I haven't actually seen her facebook page but I was IN THAT BATHROOM.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best weird jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about weird. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty weird gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these weird jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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