weird Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious weird puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they're fired

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

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I once met a girl with 12 breasts

Sounds weird dozen tit

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English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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English can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

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My wife is weird...

She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"

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My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

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What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

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Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

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My wife is so weird

She starts every conversation with "were you even listening to me?"

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Four men are in the hospital waiting room!

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, Congratulations! You're the father of twins.

That's odd, answers the man. I work for the Minnesota Twins!

A nurse says to the second guy, Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!

That's weird, answers the second man. I work for the 3M company!

A nurse tells the third man, Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!

That's strange, he answers. I work for the Four Seasons hotel!

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. What's wrong? the others ask.

I work for 7 Up!

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The Golden Toilet

A man goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet. He walks into down and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so," the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar,"Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said the man. "A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous." This continues all day until finally the man walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet." The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, "Hey Bill, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"

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My wife is weird...

She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"

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English is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

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My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?"

I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

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A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...

during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"

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I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999.

Weird right?

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A five year-old kid goes on a trip to the zoo with his Mom

They're passing the elephant house and the female elephants are in season. The bull is aroused. He's walking around trumpeting, displaying his tusks and generally being aggressive. He also has a full-on erection.

The kid spots the weird grey thing swinging around between the bull's rear legs and points at it.

"Mom, what's that?"
"That's nothing dear."

The following week his dad takes him back to the zoo. Elephant mating season is still in full-swing and the bull is strutting his stuff much as on the previous visit.

Again the kid points and asks.
"Dad, what's that?"
"That's the bull elephant's cock."
"Oh. When I was here with Mommy last week she said it was nothing."
"Yeah, but she's spoiled."

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.

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Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

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A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like penises. I don't like it," he says.

The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

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So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

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"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day

Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'

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My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals...

and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

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A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"

"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"

"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"

"I wouldn't say so Tom, seems pretty unlikely"

"Ah, shit... I guess I just ran over a Nun then.."

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I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

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My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.

She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.

Bob hands here the 800 dollars and walks away.

My wife comes upstairs.
I asked her, Hey, who was at the door?

"Oh, just our neighbor Bob." She says.

I say, "Oh damn, where'd he go? Does he have the $800 he owes me?"

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Just pooped my pants.

Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.

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I before E, except after C.

We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.

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Met a woman with 12 boobs the other day

Sounds weird dozen tit?

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I once met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds weird....

...Dozen tit?

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Husband & Wife Diary Entries

Wife's Diary

Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I'd been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.

Conversation over supper wasn't flowing, so I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

Tonight, when he came home from work, he skipped supper altogether, piddled in the garage for two hours, then headed straight for his recliner and sat there quietly staring at the TV. When I asked him about the fire they'd just covered on the news, he said he hadn't followed the story. It had just been on!

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but he was distant and distracted. He didn't even kiss me goodnight -- he just fell asleep. I lay there for hours wondering what was wrong. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know what to do.

Husband's Diary:

Boat still won't start. Can't figure it out.

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Donald Trump Pulls Out of Iran Deal.

Man, these porn stars come up with weird names.

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Isn't it so weird when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?...

Anyway, my sister in law just caught me masturbating.

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What if female pirates had boobs made of wood instead of peg legs

It'd be weird wooden tit

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I watched a really weird porno the other day.

It was just a fat white man sitting in a darkened room, crying and wanking at the same time for an hour. Then I realised the TV wasn't switched on yet.

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Going to the toy store with your mother as a child is normal.

Going to the toy store with your mother as an adult is weird.

I don't get it though.

I'm an adult.

She's an adult.

The sign says 'Adult Toy Store'

Fucking double standards.

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Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

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NSFW

Watched some really weird porn the other day: just a sad, fat naked guy masturbating. Then I realised the TV was off.

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A shy guy walks into a bar...

... and sees a a beautiful girl. After an hour, he goes to try talking to her:

-Excuse me, can we talk for some minutes?


Afterwards, the girl screams:


-NO! I Don't wanna sleep with you!


Now everyone in the bar looks weird to them. Obviously, the guy, ashamed, goes back to his table and asks for a beer. Several minutes later, the girl comes to him, smiles and tell him:


-Sorry if i made you feel bad. I'm studying psychology and checking how people reacts in awkward situations.
After that, the guy screams:


-WHAT? $200?

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A man goes to his doctor about his terrible farts

"Doctor, I have terrible gas. I keep making these weird farts: they are constant and really loud but they don't smell."
So the doctor says: "Alright, take these pills and come back and see me in a week."
A week later the man comes back.
"Doctor, these pills have just made the farts worse! Now they are the foulest things I've ever smelt in my life!"
"Great, now that we've fixed your sense of smell, we can start to work on stopping your farts."

-----
This was my grandpa's favourite joke. He was a big fan of fart humour.

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

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A German diva I took home with me turned out to be a transsexual.

When I took off her pants and saw she had a penis, I recoiled. "Vat is ze problem?" she said.

I stammered that there had been a miscommunication, that I didn't want to touch her dick, that I wouldn't even know what to do with it if I tried. I was still a fan of everything above the waist, so I awkwardly tried to fondle her boobs as some sort of weird compensation. She slapped my hand away.

"No *zank* you," she said as she got dressed. "If you can't handle me at my wurst, you don't deserve me at my breasts."

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Woman sends her husband to the doctor, because he has erectile problems

He comes home with a bottle of pills. Wife asks, "so, did he give you Viagra, or Cialis?"

Guy says, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."

Wife says, "that's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man says, "They're not for me. You take one at breakfast and one at bedtime."

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Find out this one weird trick fishermen use.

Click bait.

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I've never shot a gun

because that would be a weird target

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"What's your favourite Pixar film?", my dad asked

I replied, "Up, yours?"

My dad gave me a weird look and said, "No need to be like that, I was only asking."

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I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed

I desperately need to see kelp

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A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

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Did you hear about the paperboy who used to masturbate on the job?

No? Really? Weird, it was all over the news.

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3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court

The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime."

So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're free to go."

So Billy leaves the courtroom, and the next man is called up

"My name is Bobby your honour, and I was also just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge replies, "well Bobby, as I said to Billy. That is a bit strange at your age, but again, perfectly legal. You are free to go."

So Bobby leaves the courtroom, and the third man steps up.

"Your honour, my name is Bubbles--"

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What if breast implants were made of maple or oak?

That would be weird, wooden tit?

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A young Arab boy asks his father...

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan, and still wearing all this shit?

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My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...

But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.

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My wife is so weird

She starts every conversation with *"were you even listening to me? "*

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My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

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I came into a large sum of money recently...

Which is weird, because I normally just use paper towels.

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A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

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I googled what a Rorschach test was

But all I found were pictures of my parents fighting. Weird.

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moles

Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"

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I once dated a girl with twelve nipples

Sounds weird, dozentit?

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"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Well, let's have a look at i-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over.
"What is it?"
"You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt."
"Well, pull it out!"
The doctor does.
"Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."
The doctor retrieves the bill and it's replaced. This goes on. There's $20s,$10s, $5s, $1s, the odd $50 bill and a single hundred. Eventually, it stops.
"How much is there?" Asks the man.
The doctor counts it up. "I've pulled $1,999.00 from your butt"
"That'd be right," says the man, "I wasn't feeling two grand."

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I got a pay rise in my job.

At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.

I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.

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That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,

"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"

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I came into a lot of money today, which is weird.

I usually use tissues.

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Big testicle

Is it weird that my one testicle is bigger than my other two?

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How to get a PhD in Music

In some colleges of music, part of the doctoral requirement is to compose an original full length symphony. Because modern music sounds so weird, a good ploy is to take a well-known classical symphony, write it backwards and submit it as an original work. One student took the daring step of taking his professor's doctoral symphony and reversing it. The student failed to receive his degree. The examiners remarked, "You just reproduced Sibelius' Fourth Symphony with not a single note changed!"

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A rope walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve ropes here!"

So the rope heads around the block, walks up to a stranger and says "Hey, can you tie me in a knot?" Stranger shrugs and does it.

The rope hangs out a little longer, till a lady walks by and he asks "Hey, could you fray my ends a bit?" Woman thinks it's weird, but does it anyway.

So the rope goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the rope I just kicked out of here?"

"No," answers the rope. "I'm a frayed knot."

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My girlfriend just yelled at me saying, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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A new friend just told me he had two gay dads.

I said "that's good! ...because it would be really weird if only one of them was gay."

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It'd be weird to have a fake breast made of oak…

Wooden tit?

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I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird....

I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!

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I was having sex with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...

I hate having sex in the bath.

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A wife tells her husband that she's discovered his secret fetish via his search history...

"It was a weird one for sure," she says, "but I think I can make it work without being too embarrassed, as long as you don't film it." He accepts.

Later that night, he asks her if she wants to try it. She smiles, begins to undress, and goes "SKIPPITY BEE BOP BEE BOP DUP-A DUAAA"

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Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact...

Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.

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One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.

He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."

He says, "I am. How did you know?"

She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

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People think I'm weird because I swallowed an abacus...

It's what's inside that counts...

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I named my dog Stains

You get weird looks when you yell "come Stains!" at the park.

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My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

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A man goes to prison

On his first night, he's pretty nervous. Somebody shouts out "34" and everybody else laughs. He thinks this is weird, but then 5 minutes later, somebody else shouts "23" and everybody else laughs. Then after another 10 minutes, a third prisoner shouts "16" and everybody laughs. His cellmate sees his confusion and tells him "Well, we've been in prison so long telling the same jokes over and over that we decided to just give them numbers. 34 is the one about the nun, the priest, and the antelope. 23 is the one about the Chinaman and the red pot, and 16 is the one about the old cowboy who couldn't piss."

Satisfied, the prisoner goes to rest. 5 minutes later, he hears another prisoner shout "12." This time nobody laughs, so the prisoner looks to his cellmate, who just looks disgusted nd mutters "Bobby never could tell a joke..."

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A statue of a women and a man stood looking at each other for hundreds or years

One day a wizard, feeling bad for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes.
Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all types of weird sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling.
The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue said "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it."

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Off With The Panties

Two neighbor women are taking their weekly walk together, when one of the women begins to complain about the heat.

The other lady states, "I took my panties off three blocks ago, and now I'm much cooler. You should really try it." "I don't know. That seems kind of weird, but I guess I'll try it" the first lady replied.

After a couple blocks, she confesses that the wind making its way up her skirt is refreshing indeed.

Two blocks later, the women notice another woman sitting on her porch, eating watermelon. The woman is also wearing a skirt, and undoubtedly has no underwear on.

The first lady exclaims "Isn't it so much cooler to sit outside with no panties on?!" The woman replies "I don't know about being cooler, but it sure keeps the flies away from the watermelon!"

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Did you know that there was a woman with twelve breasts?

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

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I caught my Grandma sucking my Grandad's cock last night.

A bit weird, since I thought they buried it along with the rest of him.

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Weirdest thing. I just saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM.

I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "just checking my balance."

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This guy wants to be an actor

Even though he is quite talented, his weird name is getting on his way.

No talent hunter will give him a chance. He is very proud of his name and is not willing to change any of it: Penis Wagon Lesbian.

He will not use a stage name either.

Years go by without him getting any role. Finally he meets a talent hunter who is willing to meet him half way. Keep his name, just in a different form.

The first movie of Dick Van Dyke was a success.

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My Ex-Girlfriend

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish.
She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

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I went shopping today...

I was shopping in Asda today and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic.

I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly fucking kid."

He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there."

I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad."

He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!"

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It would be weird if trees had boobs

Wooden tit?

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Did you hear about the man who enjoyed having sex with fruit?

Some people tell me he's not too weird, but I still think he's fucking bananas.

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Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.

You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.

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Which one of you am I going to have to fight?

My father told me a story about his uncle. He said that my Uncle was in a town on business and after dinner when walking back to his hotel 7 men suddenly surrounded him and demanded his wallet. My Uncle being the hard ass he is asks the men "well, which one of you am I going to have to fight?" The men looked at him kinda weird and one man finally spoke up and said "no I don't think you understand. You're going to have to fight all of us." My Uncle calmly pulled out his revolver and said "nah, you don't understand! See I'm going to shoot six of you, so which one am I going to have to fight?"

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My girlfriend just freaked me out...

she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?

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I Ejaculated 6 Feet Earlier.

Which is weird, as I usually ejaculate semen.

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Peanut Butter

So I was balls deep in peanut butter, and I thought to myself, "Peanut Butter's a weird name for a dog, isn't it?"

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Why is it that when guys pledging a fraternity do it it's considered "bonding" and "building a brotherhood"..

.. but when me and my friends do it it's "weird" and "anal sex"

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I've opened a bakery recently

and a lady phoned me up, wanting a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS' written on it.

I thought it was weird but made it anyway.

Mrs Cox was absolutely furious when I delivered it.

So was her son, Isaac.

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My exgirlfriend had this really weird fetish...

She used to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

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My wife yelled at me today, saying, "You were not even listening now, were you!?"

What a weird way of starting a conversation!!

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SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".


Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."

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I'm into gay midget porn.

You might think that's weird, but hey, at least I can say I always stick up for the little guy.

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A distant relative of mine died and I came into some money...

but my friends told me that I have a weird fetish.

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

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English can be a weird language...

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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It's weird to me that the shortened version of Charles is "Chuck".

I mean, what the Farles is that about?

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My girlfriend broke up with me because of my weird pasta touching fetish...

I'm feeling *cannelloni* right now...

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It really is weird it took so long for America to legalize gay marriage

Considering they have four fathers

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They say that trains are full of weird people...

...but I don't think that's true. I've never met a weird person on a train, and I talk to *everyone.*

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This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door.

My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

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A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.

Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.

I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"

To which he replied, "I cannot play piano without my metro-gnome."

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So, this guy walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder

The bartender says "that's a weird pet what's his name?"

The guy responds, "oh, his name is Tiny."

The bartender then asks "Well that's a weird name, why do you call him that?"

And the guys answers "because he's mynewt!"

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Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and kicks the first potatoe's bag, with the asian girl inside...
The asian girl, quickly respond the kick with barking noises: ruff ruff
"Oh... These are just a few dogs!", says the cop.

He then approaches to the second potatoe's bag, with the redhead inside, and kicks it as well.
"Meow... Meow", the redhead answers.
"Oh... These are just a few cats!", says the cop.

Finally, he gets close to the third potatoe's bag, with the blondie inside, and kicks it too.
The voice inside the bags respond:
"Potatoes".

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My mom says I look just like my father.

It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman.

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[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.

"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to do for half an hour." He came across an ice cream shop and decided that there was no better way to spend his time than eating ice cream. Having flippers instead of fingers made enjoying the ice cream difficult, and by the time he was finished, a perfect half hour later, he had vanilla ice cream all over himself. Face, beak, flippers, belly-- everywhere.

He waddled back to the mechanic, right on time. "So what do you think?" The penguin asked.

The mechanic scooted out from under the car and, looking at the penguin, cleared his throat. "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

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My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish

My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish where she would dress up as herself and act like a bitch all the time.

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Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware!

Could be a set up.

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My girlfriend has this really weird fetish

She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have sex.

I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway.

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I met a girl with 12 boobs

Sounds weird, dozentit

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A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...

Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

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A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"why did we take off so late?"

To which the flight attendant replies:

"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."

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I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick!

Exercise

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People think I'm weird because I swallowed an abacus

They're forgetting it's what's on the inside that counts.

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So last night I was balls deep in peanut butter...

...and I thought to myself, peanut butter is a weird name for a dog.

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Some people think working in a crematorium is weird...

but it's an honest way to urn a living

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America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

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Well this is weird......

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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Brown Paper Pete

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

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I was shopping in asda today....

I was shopping in Asda today and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic. I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly fucking kid." He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there." I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad." He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!"

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Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

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My girlfriend is weird

She starts all of our conversations with "Are you even listening to me?".

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Man is arrested for calling a police "pig"

He is released next morning
- Tell me officer, the man begs, is it never allowed to call police "pig"?
- Well yes, you can call us police, cops, even the blues, but never call us pigs again.
- Ok, ok. I can do that.
- Have a nice day sir
- Yet I wonder, the man continues, what if I call a pig "police", would that be ok?
- Well, that's a bit weird for sure... but I guess it's nothing we could put you in jail for or anything.
- I see, I see... goodbye, police

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I have a weird fungal infection on my foot...

I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me.

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I was always told "i before e except after c"

It sounds weird but I guess it's just science

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A blonde walking along the road one day...

So a blonde was walking along a road one day, next to a field of grass. She looked out, and there in the middle of a field was a another blonde women, sitting in a small boat, rowing furiously. The blonde on the road yelled out.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

The blonde in the boat yelled back.

"Trying to get this stupid boat to the other side of this weird green lake!"

Frustrated and angry the blonde on the road screamed at the blonde in the boat.

"You know you stupid bitch. You and blondes like you are why people are always making fun of us. I should come out there and kick your ass! Count yourself lucky I don't know how to swim!"

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A young couple on their wedding night. . .

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

She finally said, "Don't tell me, let me guess . . . smallcox?"

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Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America.

Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."

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A man took his dog to the movie with him...

...and during the movie the dog howled with laughter at the jokes, wagged his tail merrily and at the end put his paws together and applauded. The movie staff saw this and were bewildered so after the movie one of the ushers approached the man and said to him, "We were all amazed, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie." And the man said, "I know, it's so weird! He hated the book."

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A man goes to the movies

He looks over and he sees a man and his dog. As he is watching the movie he looks over and notices when the movie is funny it looks like the dog is laughing. When the movie is sad it seems like the dog is crying. When the movies is over he says to the man.

"Wow it's weird but it really seemed like your dog was into the movie."

"Yeah, it is weird. He really hated the book."

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As I unwrapped the condom I thought to myself...

"This is a really weird birthday present, mum."

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Just one, but be careful, or this could get weird

How many time travelers does it take to change a light bulb?

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Couples Couseling...

There is a couple that has been married for 25 years. The wife books an appointment because of some issues they have been having. At the session, she divulges some of the weird quirks that her husband has had for 25 years that are driving her nuts.

First off, he works for 12+ hours a day and even when he is home, he keeps working. Secondly, he blows his nose CONSTANTLY! like a few times every hour. Lastly when they have sex, he will only ever do missionary position. She have tried getting him to do other things in bet but to no avail. She says something has to give because she feels disconnected.

It is now the husbands turn to talk...he says..."Well I am just doing what my father told me to do all these years...work hard, keep your nose clean, and dont fuck up."

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A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

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Four men in a hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" A nurse then yells to the second man, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" A nurse goes up to the third man saying, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" The last man begins groaning and banging his head on the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"

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What are the best Weird puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Weird? Well, here are the best jokes about Weird to have fun with.

Joko Jokes