Weird Jokes
148 weird jokes and hilarious weird puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about weird that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Weird Short Jokes
Short weird jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The weird humour may include short strange jokes also.
- My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
- I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today... Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
- My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!" Thanks, I'll be here all week.
- Really enjoying my new life aboard the giant space station designed to solve Earth's overpopulation problem . Just a bit weird how the sun gets slightly bigger in my cabin window every day.
- My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.
- So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma... ...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.
- Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?" weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
- So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.
- My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
- It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays... ...they seem to be a dying breed
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Weird One Liners
Which weird one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with weird? I can suggest the ones about bizarre and unusual.
- Bullets are so weird They only do their job AFTER they're fired
- English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
- My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"
- I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?
- Just pooped my pants. Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.
- Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin. Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!
- I've never shot a gun because that would be a weird target
- I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed I desperately need to see kelp
- I came into a lot of money today, which is weird. I usually use tissues.
- I was alone at a cemetery when I heard a weird noise Someone was coffin.
- I'll never forget my son's 89th sentence Dad, you remember weird stuff
- People think I'm weird because I swallowed an abacus... It's what's inside that counts...
- I named my dog Stains You get weird looks when you yell "come stain!" at the park.
- Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware! Could be a set up.
- Did you guys hear about the giant who threw up? No? That's weird. It's all over town.
Weird Al Jokes
Here is a list of funny weird al jokes and even better weird al puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 michael jackson parody today but I realized That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.
- Why did the accordionist get fired from the orchestra? They couldn’t stop playing “Weird Al” Yankovic covers during rehearsal.
- Weird Al and Vin Diesel should team up with a chip tune band Then they could be Al, Vin & The Chip Monks
- Weird Al walks into a bar And makes a parody of it
- When Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson have a baby We will have something like Weird Al' Yankovic or a lawyer
- Hillary Lewinsky's campaign has received an endorsement by... Weird Al Sharpton.
- RIP Weird Al Yankovic Sike!
Weird But True Jokes
Here is a list of funny weird but true jokes and even better weird but true puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- They say that trains are full of weird people... ...but I don't think that's true. I've never met a weird person on a train, and I talk to *everyone.*
Share Hilarious Weird Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about weird you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crazy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make weird pranks.
Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?
I wouldn't recommend it.
Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.
It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.
You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me m**...
Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...
The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.
After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and kicks the first potatoe's bag, with the asian girl inside...
The asian girl, quickly respond the kick with barking noises: ruff ruff
"Oh... These are just a few dogs!", says the cop.
He then approaches to the second potatoe's bag, with the redhead inside, and kicks it as well.
"Meow... Meow", the redhead answers.
"Oh... These are just a few cats!", says the cop.
Finally, he gets close to the third potatoe's bag, with the blondie inside, and kicks it too.
The voice inside the bags respond:
"Potatoes".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend just freaked me out...
she gave me a b**... but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.f**... weird and g**.... I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...
...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had s**... with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A distant relative of mine died and I came into some money...
but my friends told me that I have a weird f**....
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the drop of a hat
I recently had s**... with my woman for the first time, and apparently she was impressed. She said, "You last so much longer than the last guy I was with! He would come at the drop of a hat!" I just smiled and said thanks but all I could think was "That's a really weird f**...."
I have a weird fungal infection on my foot...
I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me.
I told this joke I'm telling you right now to my friend yesterday...
He said "That creates a bit of a weird paradox, doesn't it?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many people does it take to screw a lightbulb?
Just o**... with a really weird f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."
That's weird
A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,
"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"
I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick!
Exercise
I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary.
It's weird but he's come to terms with it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a weird competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have i**... with them self wins.
So I entered myself.
A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England
He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"
I got a pay rise in my job.
At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.
I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.
One of everything.
A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having s**... with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...
I hate having s**... in the bath.
A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,
so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I unwrapped the c**... I thought to myself...
"This is a really weird birthday present, mum."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know it's weird you add 'French' to anything and it makes it better: 'French cuisine', 'French toast', 'French kiss'...
The only exception is 'people.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's with girls having weird names nowadays?
I recently slept with a girl and after s**... she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
My mom says I look just like my father.
It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me and my wife decided to form a s**... pact...
Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.
"What's your favourite Pixar film?", my dad asked
I replied, "Up, yours?"
My dad gave me a weird look and said, "No need to be like that, I was only asking."
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...
It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.
- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country
It's weird to me that the shortened version of Charles is "Chuck".
I mean, what the Farles is that about?
I Work At Sears And Some Black Guys Came In Asking For Polyester Pants
It's weird because they usually pick cotton.
Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.
A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.
My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...
But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?
I really s**... at Guac-a-mole.
Some people think working in a crematorium is weird...
but it's an honest way to urn a living
I was always told "i before e except after c"
It sounds weird but I guess it's just science
"Look at this!" I said to my roommate
"What happened?" he replied
"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said
"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Life's been a bit weird lately.
A while back I showed up late to a dinner at my hot lesbian neighbours. They forgave me, and eventually we got chatting about my birthday. They asked me what I wanted for it. Answer was pretty obvious, I told them I wanted a watch. They giggled a bit, and eventually agreed.
I think they were just teasing me though, its been a week since my birthday and I still can't tell the time.
Seen two girls have s**... though.
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...
Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird....
I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!
A new friend just told me he had two gay dads.
I said "that's good! ...because it would be really weird if only one of them was gay."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.
Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff?
Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was rated "number 1 most likely to not m**... you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.
I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.
America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners
Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roy Moore is in bed with a girl, and says "pretend you're 14". She found that really weird...
Her birthday was in 4 months anyway.
There's been a local bloke called Carl going around breaking into people's houses for months...
The Police couldn't catch him. The weird thing is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on!
Anyway, just heard that he was found dead in an alleyway because of a drug overdose... now it's never nice hearing of a death but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone
I was trying to google "How do I know if I had Alzheimer's?"
Apparently, someone has already searched that. Weird...
A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:
"why did we take off so late?"
To which the flight attendant replies:
"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."
Statistically, there should be one gay student per 30 student classroom.
I don't remember having any gay classmates, though. Weird...
A pianist performing in a subway terminal...
was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.
Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.
I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"
To which he replied, "I cannot play piano without my metro-gnome."
Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:
"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."
This new dating site is amazing!
Roblox is a weird name for it though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife tells her husband that she's discovered his secret f**... via his search history...
"It was a weird one for sure," she says, "but I think I can make it work without being too embarrassed, as long as you don't film it." He accepts.
Later that night, he asks her if she wants to try it. She smiles, begins to undress, and goes "SKIPPITY BEE BOP BEE BOP DUP-A DUAAA"
I came into a large sum of money recently...
Which is weird, because I normally just use paper towels.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Running culture has gotten weird
Back in my day we wore running shoes and shorts and just tried our best, but I showed up to a 3K and all the people were in hoods and robes and they were all super unpleasant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I before E, except after C.
We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.
A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."
A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"
He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."
It really is weird it took so long for America to legalize gay marriage
Considering they have four fathers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men think about s**... every 7 seconds...
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It's an extremely rare dish order.
I told my wife her toe looks weird
She said That's a little callous
English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.
Source: course
My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space
We don't seem to have established a functional continuum
I hate when my wife asks if I'm listening to her
It's such a weird way to start a conversation.
