Weight Jokes

Funniest Weight Short Jokes

Short weight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The weight humour may include short heavy jokes also.

1. I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
2. I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
3. If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
4. There's a new COVID-19 strain that's causing people to gain massive amounts of weight. The om-nom-nom-icron variant.
5. What's heavier, a ton of brick or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
6. My girlfriend told me she's sad because she's put on a bit of weight I told her to keep her chins up
7. I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women. There were tons of girls there, just not very many.
8. My obese parrot died recently. It's been really sad, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
9. After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... "I look forward to seeing you in it".
   So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.
10. So, i wanted to know what my weight was. 'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.
    But how am i supposed to see the numbers?

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Weight One Liners

Which weight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with weight? I can suggest the ones about gravity and mass.

1. My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight... She needs to lighten up.
2. What has caused Caitlyn Jenner to put on weight? Trans fats.
3. Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
4. What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake.
5. Elon musk should tweet about my weight So it would plummet, too.
6. I try not to judge my barber for his weight but.. He could be a hair trimmer.
7. My Machamp just spent the whole day lifting weights. You should see his forearms.
8. It's quite appropriate that fast food cashiers... often open with "sorry for the weight".
9. You know what's really worth its weight in gold? Gold.
10. Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don't pick it up.
11. How does a satanist measure weight? In pentagrammes
12. What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ? Weight for it...
13. How heavy is a photon? I don't know, but it's probably light-weight
14. Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day - Jared Fogle
15. I think about dieting sometimes... It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

Lose Weight Jokes

Here is a list of funny lose weight jokes and even better lose weight puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet: Breakfast and dinner.
  My dad told me this joke please laugh.
• The doctor told me to lose some weight. I said, "How?"
  He said "Don't eat anything fatty."
  I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"
  He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."
• How to lose weight - Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
  - Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
  - How many times , doctor ?
  - Every time someone offers you food.
• I started a new diet.. Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.
• Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
• The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight. And America never loses
• I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight. It's called "Superglue".
• I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but... ...I just finished it in 72 hours.
• I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results.. What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?
• My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce. Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

Gaining Weight Jokes

Here is a list of funny gaining weight jokes and even better gaining weight puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
• I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain. Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.
• My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her. I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"
• My miniature Siberian dog is gaining weight too fast. He's a little Husky.
• Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately. Goodbye, normal jeans.
• My doctor told me I've really grown as a person! Well, her exact words were that I "Gained Weight"
• A microbiologist quit caring about his own health. He started gaining a lot of weight. He's a biologist now.
• My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie.... IBS.
• A man was trying to become rich by gaining weight He was trying to make a four chin
• I hate having to gain weight to play a role... and then remembering I'm not an actor.

Weight Gain Jokes

Here is a list of funny weight gain jokes and even better weight gain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• A girl once told me I was the reason she was gaining weight Needless to say we didn't work out
• Ronald McDonald runs for president. His slogan? Make America's Weight A Gain.
• Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal… alcohol reduces fear.
• I don't understand why I'm still gaining weight... ...I've added a salad to every meal
• Due to recent changes, 50 cent has changed his citizenship to the UK. After experiencing weight gain, he is being converted to UK currency and will now be known as "50 pounds".
• My weight-gain parcels have just arrived and I'm feeling really jittery. I might have to go and see a doctor. I think I've got the shakes.
• If you are afraid of gaining weight then just take a shot of liquor before dinner. Alcohol can numb your sense of fear.
• After my parents got divorced my little sister gained a lot of weight I hope they don't make fun of her at school... She has enough on her plate.
• Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back? The mall is hiring new Santas.
• Today we'll be discussing near-death experiences and why not to talk to your wife or girlfriend about weight gain.

Weight Loss Jokes

Here is a list of funny weight loss jokes and even better weight loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
• A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work
• What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France? "The American Weight Loss Plan."
• Weight-loss pills are very effective... They drain your bank account so you don't have money for food.
• My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.
• Why did Mike Tyson hire the Devil as his weight loss trainer? He said he wanted to be a little thinner.
• Ahhh Communism My favorite weight loss program
• Jared Fogel's weight loss secret finally revealed! He's been eating the kids meal all this time
• My parents congratulated me on my 215lb weight loss... I don't think they liked my ex-boyfriend.
• New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!

Weight Lifting Jokes

Here is a list of funny weight lifting jokes and even better weight lifting puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• The worst part about online dating is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.
• Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It's broken now I can hardly walk
• "Lift those weights, see if I care." Said the impersonal trainer.
• Who was Mr Rogers' weight lifting coach? Arnold Schwarzeneighbor
  (OC)
• I just cancelled my gym membership I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
• My father owned a body removal business He lifted a lot of dead weight
• Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops? Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.
• After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.
• What do you call a rabbit who lifts weights? A jacked rabbit.
• After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds. Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.

Cheerful Fun Weight Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about weight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean magnitude jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make weight pranks.