The Best 93 Weight Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Weight jokes. There are some weight overweight jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these weight losing weight puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Weight Jokes and Puns
What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?
The woman. They always lie about their weight.
Tips to reduce weight…
First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
Repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat!
Joe took his blind date, Kim, to the carnival...
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim, and so they ambled over to the 'guess-the-weight' stand. The owner guessed 121 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'guess-the-weight' stand they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...
The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.
Skip a Day
During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Lunch theif
At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.
A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having Sex
One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.
That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"
The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."
The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."
Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"
"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"
The Carnival Date
Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.
"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
What's the difference between mass and weight?
Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics.
(From a poster on the ceiling in my dentists office)
I started a new diet..
Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.
You can explore weight kilograms reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean weight excess dad jokes. There are also weight puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Your mama is so fat...
The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.
A man and his wife go out to eat...
...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"
This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.
Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight...
Live longer, than the men, that mention it.
The doctor told me to lose some weight.
I said, "How?"
He said "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"
He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."
Yo momma's so fat
...that the city of Dublin was named after her daily weight gain.
A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...
He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.
I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.
There were tons of girls there, just not very many.
My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
The worst part about online dating
is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.
"Mildred, are you putting on weight?"
Lady of the House, "Mildred, are you putting on weight?"
Maid, "Well, to tell you the truth Madam, I am pregnant." Lady, "OH DEAR! How ever did you get your self in such condition?"
Maid, "Well Madam it started when I ordered a vibrator through the mail."
Lady, "Goodness! You didn't use that dreadful thing did you?"
Maid, "No Madam, the mail man talked me out of it."
You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...
Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.
What has caused Caitlyn Jenner to put on weight?
Trans fats.
A guy takes his date to the carnival...
....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.
They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.
When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.
She replied, "Wousy"
Wife: Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?
Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say
How to lose weight
- Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
- Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
- How many times , doctor ?
- Every time someone offers you food.
My girlfriend is always complaining that I make fun of her weight all the time.
I just wish she'd just lighten up a little.
How to lose weight easy
Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.
What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results..
What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?
Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...
at how gullible people on the internet are.
Why do guys gain weight after marriage?
Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...
A leopard can carry something twice its weight into a tree
and a cougar can carry something half her age to bed.
The king asks a commoner...
"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."
Apple fitness products don't work.
I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss
It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight...
She needs to lighten up.
So, i wanted to know what my weight was.
'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.
But how am i supposed to see the numbers?
What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight?
Wedding Cake.
Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?
The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why do women gain weight after they get married?
Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.
I went to weight watchers last night, I opened a bag of maltesers and threw them on the floor
Best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen
Only been going to the gym a week
And already hitting the max weight on one of the machines.
Shame it's the scales
If online bullying has taught us anything.
It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight.
It's called "Superglue".
Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?
Drown them.
Every time I go through a fast food window
They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
How did Jared from Subway lose weight?
He was ordering off the kids menu.
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.
Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.
What's blue and does not weight much?
Light blue.
The best way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.
The restaurant will ask you to leave before you can eat too much.
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.
When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".
Do not shampoo in the shower
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.
The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."
The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."
The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...
Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.
Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!
Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.
On average women gain weight if they're married
When they're single, they come home, look at what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, look at what's in the bed and then go to the fridge.
I before E, except after C.
We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".
I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
"Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said
"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. It's the only way I can see the numbers!
To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..
You'll have nothing to gain.
The heaviest things in the universe
3 - Neutron stars
2 - Black holes
1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke
"I'm leaving you!..."
I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!
But honey, what about our child?
What child?!
Oh, so you're not pregnant?
My parrot got so fat that it died.
It's a huge weight off my shoulder.
A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff
Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there's a dragon guarding the fridge?
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
My obese parrot died recently.
It's been really sad, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:
Breakfast and dinner.
My dad told me this joke please laugh.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.
The conductor almost panicked says, there's too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we're going to crash! The Welshman bravely steps up, For the glory of wales! And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, okay, we're close but there is still too much weight! The Irishman, in a patriotic manner yells, For Ireland! And throws the Englishman off
The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...
"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"
I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...
...I just finished it in 72 hours.
A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"
Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?
He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...
My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her...
She's always critter sizing.
I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.
Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.
Yo mama
Yo mama so fat, she went to a weight lifting competition and won 1st place for standing up
A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.
The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."
My obese parrot died.
It was a huge weight off my shoulders.
Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary
And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts
A guy takes a girl on a date to the county fair...
When they get there, he asks her what she wants to do now. She says "I wanna get weighed." So he takes her to one of those guess your weight booths and she gets a prize. He asks her again what she wants to do. Again, "I wanna get weighed".
This goes on the whole night. Finally the guy gets fed up and takes her home. When she walks in the door, her mom asks "how was your date?"
She replies "*sigh* wousy"
After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...
"I look forward to seeing you in it".
So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.
You know what's really worth its weight in gold?
Gold.
A dude went to the hospital and asked the doc:
Dude: judging by my weight, what's my ideal height doc?
Doc: 20 feet.
A woman goes to hospital
Woman: Doctor, how can I lose weight?
Doc: All you have to do is to move your head from left to right and then from right to left
Woman: How often?
Doc: Every single time they offer you food
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?
A masstermind
A large man goes to his doctor concerned about his weight.
I really need to lose some weight. What is the best way to do that?
The doctor replied, Don't eat anything fatty.
What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, pizza, bacon, etc?
No, as I said before, fatty, don't eat anything"
Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.
Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.
An overweight man goes to the doctor
The doctor says sir we need to talk about your weight. It's been a growing concern and I'm afraid if it gets worse, you'll have some major heart issues. I think it's time we talk about a way for you to lose some weight fast. Would you like to hear about liposuction?
The man goes please, enlighten me
My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.
"I hope you win" was not the correct response.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the weight diet jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working weight gaining a little weight piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.