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Weight Jokes

160 weight jokes and hilarious weight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about weight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Craft the perfect one-liner with this collection of weight jokes! From funny one-liners about weight loss, to hilarious puns about weight lifting and weight watchers, this compilation has it all. Whether you're a fan of the weight scale, the weight room, or weight loss surgery, these jokes will give you the laughs you need. Get ready to crack up over references to kilograms and pounds, while learning an important lesson about not making fun of obese people.

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Funniest Weight Short Jokes

Short weight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The weight humour may include short heavy jokes also.

  1. I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
  2. I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
  3. If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
  4. There's a new COVID-19 strain that's causing people to gain massive amounts of weight. The om-nom-nom-icron variant.
  5. What's heavier, a ton of brick or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
  6. My girlfriend told me she's sad because she's put on a bit of weight I told her to keep her chins up
  7. I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women. There were tons of girls there, just not very many.
  8. My obese parrot died recently. It's been really sad, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
  9. After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... "I look forward to seeing you in it".
    So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.
  10. So, i wanted to know what my weight was. 'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.
    But how am i supposed to see the numbers?

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Weight One Liners

Which weight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with weight? I can suggest the ones about gravity and mass.

  1. My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight... She needs to lighten up.
  2. What has caused Caitlyn Jenner to put on weight? Trans fats.
  3. Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
  4. What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake.
  5. Elon musk should tweet about my weight So it would plummet, too.
  6. I try not to judge my barber for his weight but.. He could be a hair trimmer.
  7. My Machamp just spent the whole day lifting weights. You should see his forearms.
  8. It's quite appropriate that fast food cashiers... often open with "sorry for the weight".
  9. You know what's really worth its weight in gold? Gold.
  10. Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don't pick it up.
  11. How does a satanist measure weight? In pentagrammes
  12. What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ? Weight for it...
  13. How heavy is a photon? I don't know, but it's probably light-weight
  14. Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day - Jared Fogle
  15. I think about dieting sometimes... It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

Lose Weight Jokes

Here is a list of funny lose weight jokes and even better lose weight puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet: Breakfast and dinner.
    My dad told me this joke please laugh.
  • The doctor told me to lose some weight. I said, "How?"
    He said "Don't eat anything fatty."
    I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"
    He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."
  • How to lose weight - Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
    - Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
    - How many times , doctor ?
    - Every time someone offers you food.
  • I started a new diet.. Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.
  • Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
  • The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight. And America never loses
  • I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight. It's called "Superglue".
  • I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but... ...I just finished it in 72 hours.
  • I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results.. What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?
  • My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce. Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

Gaining Weight Jokes

Here is a list of funny gaining weight jokes and even better gaining weight puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
  • I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain. Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.
  • My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her. I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"
  • My miniature Siberian dog is gaining weight too fast. He's a little Husky.
  • Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately. Goodbye, normal jeans.
  • My doctor told me I've really grown as a person! Well, her exact words were that I "Gained Weight"
  • A microbiologist quit caring about his own health. He started gaining a lot of weight. He's a biologist now.
  • My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie.... IBS.
  • A man was trying to become rich by gaining weight He was trying to make a four chin
  • I hate having to gain weight to play a role... and then remembering I'm not an actor.

Weight Gain Jokes

Here is a list of funny weight gain jokes and even better weight gain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A girl once told me I was the reason she was gaining weight Needless to say we didn't work out
  • Ronald McDonald runs for president. His slogan? Make America's Weight A Gain.
  • Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal… alcohol reduces fear.
  • I don't understand why I'm still gaining weight... ...I've added a salad to every meal
  • Due to recent changes, 50 cent has changed his citizenship to the UK. After experiencing weight gain, he is being converted to UK currency and will now be known as "50 pounds".
  • My weight-gain parcels have just arrived and I'm feeling really jittery. I might have to go and see a doctor. I think I've got the shakes.
  • If you are afraid of gaining weight then just take a shot of liquor before dinner. Alcohol can numb your sense of fear.
  • After my parents got divorced my little sister gained a lot of weight I hope they don't make fun of her at school... She has enough on her plate.
  • Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back? The mall is hiring new Santas.
  • Today we'll be discussing near-death experiences and why not to talk to your wife or girlfriend about weight gain.

Weight Loss Jokes

Here is a list of funny weight loss jokes and even better weight loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
  • A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work
  • What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France? "The American Weight Loss Plan."
  • Weight-loss pills are very effective... They drain your bank account so you don't have money for food.
  • My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.
  • Why did Mike Tyson hire the Devil as his weight loss trainer? He said he wanted to be a little thinner.
  • Ahhh Communism My favorite weight loss program
  • Jared Fogel's weight loss secret finally revealed! He's been eating the kids meal all this time
  • My parents congratulated me on my 215lb weight loss... I don't think they liked my ex-boyfriend.
  • New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!

Weight Lifting Jokes

Here is a list of funny weight lifting jokes and even better weight lifting puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The worst part about online dating is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.
  • Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It's broken now I can hardly walk
  • "Lift those weights, see if I care." Said the impersonal trainer.
  • Who was Mr Rogers' weight lifting coach? Arnold Schwarzeneighbor
    (OC)
  • I just cancelled my gym membership I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
  • My father owned a body removal business He lifted a lot of dead weight
  • Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops? Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.
  • After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.
  • What do you call a rabbit who lifts weights? A jacked rabbit.
  • After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds. Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.
Weight joke, After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds.

Cheerful Fun Weight Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about weight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean magnitude jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make weight pranks.

Tips to reduce weight…
First turn your head to the right and then to the left.

Repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat!

Joe took his blind date, Kim, to the carnival...

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim, and so they ambled over to the 'guess-the-weight' stand. The owner guessed 121 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'guess-the-weight' stand they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...

The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.

Skip a Day

During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having s**...

One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.
That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"
The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."
The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."
Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"
"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"

The Carnival Date

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.
"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."

penny scales

A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

An objective analysis of the correlation between genetics and obesity.

A doctor is telling an obese woman that she needs to start losing weight.
The woman, offended, replies defensively, "It's not my fault! Obesity runs in my family!"
The doctor looks her up and down, and finally says, "*Nobody* runs in your family."

A man and his wife go out to eat...

...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"
This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight...

Live longer, than the men, that mention it.

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of m**......

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What does your s**... life have in common with a highway bridge?

If you have weight limits you aren't going to see as much traffic.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

s**... is like pizza.

My wife won't let me have it until I lose weight.

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.
They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.
When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.
She replied, "Wousy"

Wife: Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?

Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say

How to lose weight easy

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A german, a french and a turkish man on a plane

The plane is about to c**... unless the passengers drop some weight. The pilot tells the three guys to drop something which they have enough of in their country.
The french man throws a baguette out of the window.
The turkish man throws a kebap out of the window.
The german throws the turkish man out of the window.

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

A leopard can carry something twice its weight into a tree

and a cougar can carry something half her age to bed.

The king asks a commoner...

"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The UK Government has decided to make l**... legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

I went to weight watchers last night, I opened a bag of maltesers and threw them on the floor

Best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen

Only been going to the gym a week

And already hitting the max weight on one of the machines.
Shame it's the scales

Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How did Jared from Subway lose weight?

He was ordering off the kids menu.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The best way to lose weight is to eat n**... in front of a mirror.

The restaurant will ask you to leave before you can eat too much.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."
The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."
The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...

Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.

Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!
Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

On average women gain weight if they're married

When they're single, they come home, look at what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, look at what's in the bed and then go to the fridge.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I before E, except after C.

We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain.

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars
2 - Black holes
1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

"I'm leaving you!..."

I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!
But honey, what about our child?
What child?!
Oh, so you're not pregnant?

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Did you know that l**... is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there's a dragon guarding the fridge?

A 50 kg woman , 50 kg of feather , and 50 kg of steel ,which one is heavier?

The woman
Because girls lie about their weight

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.

The conductor almost panicked says, there's too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we're going to c**...! The Welshman bravely steps up, For the glory of wales! And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, okay, we're close but there is still too much weight! The Irishman, in a patriotic manner yells, For Ireland! And throws the Englishman off

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I p**...!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you p**..., go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your p**...?
He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...

My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her...

She's always critter sizing.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the p**...-taking b**....

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the h**... they have so many historical artefacts

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of s**... drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

The doctor said to me, we need to talk about your weight.

I said, well it was about 25minutes but the chairs are quite comfortable.

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fridge.

Weight joke, A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight sinc

jokes about weight