Weigh Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

How do you weigh a chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?

Light blue.

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"


"How much do you weigh?"

"Precisely 75 kg when I'm wearing my glasses."

"What about when you are not wearing your glasses?"

"No idea. Can't see shit."

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"

Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"

Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

How much do you weigh after eating Chinese food?


What do me and my fridge have in common?

Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne

Why are Fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?

It weighs


How much do all the bones in the human body weigh?

A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.

The more you weigh, the more attractive you are.

Gravitationally speaking.

What do you call a Mexican that won't get on a scale?

A no weigh Jose.

How much does the average introvert weigh?

Not enough to break the ice.

If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh?


Weight loss program

This fat man was disappointed in his body. We was watching TV and saw this weight loss program and decided to join. There was 2 programs, average and advanced, and decided to start average.

The next day, the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was a beautiful lady. She was nude, and only had a pair of shoes on. She said "if you catch me, I'm yours" and ran off.

This went on for a month. He was impressed with the program, and decided to go move on to the advanced program.

The next day, the doorbell rang. He was expecting another beautiful lady, but was greeted by a man. This man was massive, was nude and has a raging boner. He said "if I catch you, you're mine"

A 10 year old girl opens her mother's purse, and finds her driver's license

Later, the girl says to her mom, "I know how old you are." The mom asks, "How old am I?" The girl says, "You're 34." The mom says, "You're right!"

The girl then says, "I know how much you weigh." The mom asks her how much, and the girl says, "135 pounds." The mom is a little puzzled, but says, "You're right on that, too."

Finally, the young girl says, "I know why daddy divorced you."

The mother freaks out, and asks, "Why is that?!?!?!"

The girl says, "Because you got an 'F' in Sex."

A Canadian in New York

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".

How much does freedom weigh?

A WashingTon.

How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

How much does a boob weigh?

A mammogram

A german, italian, and american chat in a bar..

A German, an Italian, and an American chat in a bar.
The German says: "my wife goes 0 to 100 in 7 seconds!"
"How so?" replies the Italian.
"I bought her a Porsche" replies the German.
"bah! my wife goes 0 to 100 in 5 seconds!!" the Italian states.
"really?? how?" asks the German.
"I bought her a Ferrari!!" smirks the Italian.
"my wife goes 0-100 in 2 seconds" replies the American.
"impossible!! how???" both say the German and Italian.
"I bought her a weigh scale!"

Mr. Know it all

Little Johnny asked his mom about her age.

"Johnny, gentlemen don't ask ladies that question"

Johnny asks his mom about her weight.

"Johnny, gentlemen also don't ask ladies about their weight"

So Little Johnny asks, "Why did daddy leave you then?"

"Johnny lets not talk about that." She then send Johnny to his room.

On his way to his room he trips on his mom's purse and there he finds her drivers license.

He runs back to his mom and proudly says, "Mom! I know all about you now! You are 42 years old, weigh 172 pounds and the reason why daddy left you is because you got an 'F' in sex!"

How do you find out how heavy a Chili Pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

A man and his wife go out to eat...

...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"

This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.

Little Johnny has questions for his mother.

The first thing he asks is, "How old are you?" His mother says, "It's impolite to ask a lady how old she is." He then asks, "How much do you weigh?" to which she says, "Johnny, that's impolite too!" He asks, "Why did Dad leave?" His mother sighs, and says, "I don't want to talk about that." Unsatisfied with her answers, Little Johnny ran off. He returns five minutes later holding her license. "Mommy, I figured it out! You're 35, you weigh 189 pounds, and Daddy left because you got an F in sex!"

How much does a hipster weigh?

an instagram

How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

I went to weight watchers last night, I opened a bag of maltesers and threw them on the floor

Best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen

Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent



How much does the Great Wall of China weigh?



Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?

Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What weighs more, a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers, cause you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds

I have been weighing the pros and cons about reading poetry to prisoners.

Pros: prose
Cons: cons

Little Johnny asks his mother her age...

Little Johnny asks his mother her age. She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room. On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

Who was Mr Rogers' weight lifting coach?

Arnold Schwarzeneighbor


How much does 2,000lbs of bone weigh

a skeleton

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

What system does Satan use to weigh packages?


I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale

I took a dirt road to avoid a weigh station last week.

I drove my rig up a hill and around a sharp curve. As I started down a steep hill, I saw an old man and a young girl screwing in the middle of the dirt road.

I came to a screeching halt within inches of the old man's ass. I got out of my rig to see if they were OK, and ask why they didn't move out of the way when they heard me coming.

The old man looked up at me with his sweaty old face and said, "It's like this - she was cumming, I was cumming, and you was coming. You were the only one who had brakes!"

Which weighs more? A ton of feathers? Or a ton of steel?

Feathers. You'll have to carry the weight of what you did to all those birds.

A girl ask her mom how much she weighs

The mom replies, "That is not a question you ask other people." As the girl is walking to school her friend recommends looking at her mom's drivers licence because it has all her mom's information. The girl then proceeds to look at her mom's drivers license and then reproaches her mom and says "you weigh 135lbs! And you are also 5' 6" tall." The mom replies "you're correct" the girl continues to say "I also know why daddy broke up with you!" The shocked mother then inquires how the little girl knows. The little girl says "Because you got an F in sex!"

How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

Credits to: Adam pacitti

How much does a Satanist weigh?

A pentagram.

Weight check

A man stands on his bathroom scale. As his wife walks in she sees him inhale and hold it to suck in his stomach.

She says "That's not going to make a difference".

He says "Sure it is, now I can see the numbers".

Blonde Bar

A blind man walks into a bar. He orders a drink and relaxes. Later, he yells to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar is now silent. The man next to the blind man says to him, "I don't think you should tell that joke. That bartender is blond, the person sitting next to you is a professional MMA fighter, I'm blonde and I am 6'5'' and weigh 200 pounds, and the bouncer outside is also blonde. Now, do you really want to tell that blonde joke anymore?" The blind man replies, "No, not if I have to explain it to 4 different people."

What weighs 20 times a North Korean?

Kim Jong Un.

How much do bones weigh?

About a skeleTON

Did you hear that Satan outlawed scales?

I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, "There's no weigh in Hell."

Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the colon. What we'll do is start by filling it up with an IV solution for a week and see how you do."

The man comes back a week later and 10 pounds lighter. He is delighted.

"Doc, this is great, but it's a little boring. There's no flavor or taste."

The doctor gives him an exam, and tells him, "Well, since this seems to be working OK, you can start on some soft foods, like bananas and oatmeal. Shove those up your ass when you're hungry and see how it goes."

A week later the man is back, 10 pounds lighter and delighted with the way he looks.

"Doc, this is working great. What do we do next?"

"Well, you seem to be adapting well to the diet. Eat whatever you want through your ass, celery, steak, whatever. Then let's see you back in 2 weeks."

Two weeks later the man is back, 20 pounds lighter, new clothes, and full of energy. He is literally bouncing up and down on his seat. The doctor says, "Wow, you look great, and full of energy. Is the bouncing some kind of exercise?"

"Nah," says the man, "just chewing some gum."

***best done with actions***

A 10-year-old boy and his mother. (With apologies to Abe Hirschfeld)

A ten-year-old boy goes up to his mother one day and asks her "Mother, how old are you?" and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her age." The next day he goes up to her again and asks "Mother, how much do you weigh", and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her weight." Then the next day he asks her again, "Mother, why are you divorced?" and she says "Son, you're too young. When we're older, we'll discuss it.

The next day, the boy approaches his mother again, and this time tells her, "Mother, I've found your driver's license, and it gives me all the answers. It says that you're 35 years old, you weigh 190 pounds, and in sex, you got an F!"

There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?


How much does a million kilos of evangelism weigh?

A Billigraham

I was arguing with friends over what school weighed the most.

One friend said high schools because the kids are older and weigh more.

Another said definitely colleges, not only do the students weigh more than high school students, there's so many more people.

I said you're both wrong, it's definitely Catholic schools, they have more mass.

Enough about my weight!!!

I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!

But honey, what about our child?

What child?!

Oh, so you're not pregnant?

How much does a basic white girl weigh?

... an instagram :3

My girlfriend broke up with me after I said she's half the person I am...

I weigh 240 pounds, not sure why she got so mad.

What's green and doesn't weigh much?

Light green.

José was embarassed of his weight.

No weigh José

Saw an over weight goth today,

I thought to myself, he's morbidly obese.

How do you tell how much a chili pepper weighs?

Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh now!

I weighed myself yesterday and I was weightless!

I was like 0mg!

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

How much did those noodles weigh?

Won Ton!

What's fast but doesn't weigh very much?

Light speed

What do weight lifter's do in the shower?

Clean and Jerk

What weighs more, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers?

A pound of feathers, because you also have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor chickens.

Her Weight in Gold

An Arab sheik says to an American tourist. Mr. Smith, your wife, she is beautiful. I have to have her. I will trade you her weight in gold.

Mr. Smith says, Give a few days.

The sheik asks, To think it over?

Mr. Smith says, Hell, no. To fatten her up!

Where's the best place to weigh a pie?

[*singing*] Some-where over the rain-bow...

Weigh a pie.

They say weightlifting can lead to disembowelment ..

But I think it really shows guts

Police and driver.

Police officer: Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I'm going to have to take away your driver's license.

Driver: You're kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!

Whenever I weigh out my butter substitute

I try to get within the Margarine of error

You've been warned


What are the funniest weigh jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Weigh? Well, here are the best Weigh puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Weigh pick up lines to share with friends.

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