Weigh Jokes
103 weigh jokes and hilarious weigh puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about weigh that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Weigh Short Jokes
Short weigh jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The weigh humour may include short heavy jokes also.
- Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg
- My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
- What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman? The woman. They always lie about their weight.
- What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke - How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is? Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.
- My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds." I got her a weighing scale.
- My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation
- Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too" - How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
- Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Share These Weigh Jokes With Friends
Weigh One Liners
Which weigh one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with weigh? I can suggest the ones about measure and lift.
- I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg
- How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much, they're pretty light.
- How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much, they're actually pretty light.
- Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much? Light blue.
- Today I successfully weighed a rainbow Turns out it was pretty light
- How much do you weigh after eating Chinese food? Wonton
- How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh? A Washington.
- What do me and my fridge have in common? Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne
- Why are Fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.
- How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton
- The royal baby weighed in at almost 9 pounds Which is just under $15 US
- One in 3 Americans weighs as much as the other two combined
- What do you call a mockingbird that weighs 2,000 grams? 2 kilo mockingbird
- If you want to know how much a rainbow weighs… it's pretty light.
- How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh? It weighs
*Won-ton*
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Weigh Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about weigh you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make weigh pranks.
Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...
I make my own announcemints now.
A 10 year old girl opens her mother's purse, and finds her driver's license
Later, the girl says to her mom, "I know how old you are." The mom asks, "How old am I?" The girl says, "You're 34." The mom says, "You're right!"
The girl then says, "I know how much you weigh." The mom asks her how much, and the girl says, "135 pounds." The mom is a little puzzled, but says, "You're right on that, too."
Finally, the young girl says, "I know why daddy divorced you."
The mother freaks out, and asks, "Why is that?!?!?!"
The girl says, "Because you got an 'F' in s**...."
How much does a hipster weigh?
an instagram
What do you call a Mexican that won't get on a scale?
A no weigh Jose.
A man and his wife go out to eat...
...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"
This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.
Who was Mr Rogers' weight lifting coach?
Arnold Schwarzeneighbor
(OC)
How much does the average introvert weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow.
I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.
There were tons of girls there, just not very many.
Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:
1. Weigh less than the animals they represent
2.
3.
How much does a Satanist weigh?
A pentagram.
What weighs 20 times a North Korean?
Kim Jong Un.
How much do all the bone in the human body weigh?
A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.
How much does freedom weigh?
A WashingTon.
If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh?
Meat.
How much does the Great Wall of China weigh?
Wan-ton
Sorry
The more you weigh, the more attractive you are.
Gravitationally speaking.
I went to weight watchers last night, I opened a bag of maltesers and threw them on the floor
Best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen
What system does Satan use to weigh packages?
Penta-grams
Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?
Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Which weighs more? A ton of feathers? Or a ton of steel?
Feathers. You'll have to carry the weight of what you did to all those birds.
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
I have been weighing the pros and cons about reading poetry to prisoners.
Pros: prose
Cons: cons
Weight check
A man stands on his bathroom scale. As his wife walks in she sees him inhale and hold it to s**... in his stomach.
She says "That's not going to make a difference".
He says "Sure it is, now I can see the numbers".
How much does 2,000lbs of bone weigh
a skeleton
What weighs more, a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?
The feathers, cause you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds
I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...
Banana for scale
How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Credits to: Adam pacitti
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.
Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.
How much do bones weigh?
About a skeleTON
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid
My friends and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It's a small scale operation.
Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. h**..., I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?
The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.
How do you weigh a millennial?
In instagrams.
Why does a photon not weigh much?
Because it's light.
What does 2,000 pounds of Chinese food weigh?
Won ton.
Weight-loss pills are very effective...
They drain your bank account so you don't have money for food.
How much does a photon weigh?
I'm not sure, but it's light
How do you find out how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is??
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, s**... in his stomach
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..
How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?
Wonton.
Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?
Meat.
The machine we use to weigh heavy machinery broke today and we had to call in specialists from all over the world to fix it
It was a large scale operation
In order for The Mandalorian's ship to take off he had to ensure his crew and cargo wasn't too heavy.
This is the weigh.
How can you tell how heavy a chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.
His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."
Where do you take a pie to find out how much it weighs?
Somewhere over the rainbow...
...weigh a pie.
How much do you weigh, dad?
Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.
What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now…
What weighs more a galleon of water or a galleon of butane?
The water as the butane is a lighter fluid
What weighs more, 200 lbs of bricks, or 200 lbs of feathers?
200 lbs of feathers,
Because 200 lbs of bricks are just that, 200 lbs of feathers you have to carry the weight of what you did to all those birds.
Which weighs more, a ton of steel or a ton of feathers?
A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I matched with a g**... Tinder
She asked, "how tall are you?"
I replied, "5'10, how much do you weigh?"
She got angry and said, "That's body shaming, it's hard to lose weight!"
I laughed and said, "it's harder for me to gain height!"
Which weighs more, water or butane?
Water obviously. Butane's a lighter fluid.
Why is it easy to weigh fish?
Because they have Thier own scales
My best friend and I just started a business where we weigh microscopic objects.
It's ..a small scale operation.
Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?
They have built in scales
Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"
"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.
"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.
"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.
Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood pressure is incredibly high," she said.
"What do you expect?" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "Before I came here I was tall and thin. Now I'm short and fat!"
What weighs more, black or gray?
Black does. Gray is a little lighter.
What weighs less than the color blue?
Light blue
Why don't you ever see an over weight ghost?
They are deathly afraid of being exorcized
Where is the best place to weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow.
Jack was very fat and his wife was worried about him, so she made him see the doctor...
The doctor weighed him and said, "You must lose 30 kg. Eat only fruits and vegetables and jog 5 km a day for the next 100 days. Then give me a call and tell me how much you weigh."
Jack went home and did what the doctor told him. 100 days later, Jack called the doctor.
"Jack here. You will be happy to know that I have lost 30 kg."
"Excellent," said the doctor.
"There is just one problem," Jack said. "I am 500 km from home!"