Weigh Jokes
100 weigh jokes and hilarious weigh puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about weigh that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Weigh Short Jokes
Short weigh jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The weigh humour may include short heavy jokes also.
- My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
- What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke - How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is? Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.
- My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation
- Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too" - How much do you weigh, dad? Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see. - I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down, but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.
- The human soul weighs 1.2lbs... I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.
- What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
- How much do all the bone in the human body weigh? A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.
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Weigh One Liners
Which weigh one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with weigh? I can suggest the ones about measure and lift.
- I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg
- How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much, they're pretty light.
- Today I successfully weighed a rainbow Turns out it was pretty light
- How much do you weigh after eating Chinese food? Wonton
- How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh? A Washington.
- What do me and my fridge have in common? Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne
- Why are Fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.
- How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton
- The royal baby weighed in at almost 9 pounds Which is just under $15 US
- One in 3 Americans weighs as much as the other two combined
- What do you call a mockingbird that weighs 2,000 grams? 2 kilo mockingbird
- How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh? It weighs
*Won-ton* - The more you weigh, the more attractive you are. Gravitationally speaking.
- I once made a small hashtag out of glass... It weighed a pound and was a little sharp.
- What weighs more, black or gray? Black does. Gray is a little lighter.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Weigh Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about weigh you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean magnitude jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make weigh pranks.
Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...
I make my own announcemints now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 10 year old girl opens her mother's purse, and finds her driver's license
Later, the girl says to her mom, "I know how old you are." The mom asks, "How old am I?" The girl says, "You're 34." The mom says, "You're right!"
The girl then says, "I know how much you weigh." The mom asks her how much, and the girl says, "135 pounds." The mom is a little puzzled, but says, "You're right on that, too."
Finally, the young girl says, "I know why daddy divorced you."
The mother freaks out, and asks, "Why is that?!?!?!"
The girl says, "Because you got an 'F' in s**...."
Weight discrimination and fat-shaming are a real problem in our society. Do you know what the worst source of fat-shaming is?
A mirror.
A man and his wife go out to eat...
...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"
This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.
Who was Mr Rogers' weight lifting coach?
Arnold Schwarzeneighbor
(OC)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How much does the average introvert weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow.
I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.
There were tons of girls there, just not very many.
Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:
1. Weigh less than the animals they represent
2.
3.
What weighs more a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?
The answer is feathers.
200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks, but if you try to carry 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
José was embarassed of his weight.
No weigh José
How much does a Satanist weigh?
A pentagram.
What weighs 20 times a North Korean?
Kim Jong Un.
How much does a truck made of light weigh?
Photons
My first blind date.
My friend set me up on a blind date and all I had was the phone number of the guy I was supposed to meet. So I call him up and ask how will I recognize him?
"I am 175cm tall and weigh 75kg and I will be standing in the corner. What about you?"
I replied, "Well, I guess I will be the one with a tape measure and a bathroom scale..."
How much does a basic white girl weigh?
... an instagram :3
How much does freedom weigh?
A WashingTon.
My girlfriend broke up with me after I said she's half the person I am...
I weigh 240 pounds, not sure why she got so mad.
You've been warned
TO WHOEVER STOLE MY BROKEN BATHROOM SCALE.
YOU WON'T GET A WEIGH WITH THIS!
How much does the Great Wall of China weigh?
Wan-ton
Sorry
Whenever I weigh out my butter substitute
I try to get within the Margarine of error
I went to weight watchers last night, I opened a bag of maltesers and threw them on the floor
Best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen
I was arguing with friends over what school weighed the most.
One friend said high schools because the kids are older and weigh more.
Another said definitely colleges, not only do the students weigh more than high school students, there's so many more people.
I said you're both wrong, it's definitely Catholic schools, they have more mass.
What system does Satan use to weigh packages?
Penta-grams
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?
Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say weightlifting can lead to disembowelment ..
But I think it really shows guts
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police and driver.
Police officer: Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I'm going to have to take away your driver's license.
Driver: You're kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
I have been weighing the pros and cons about reading poetry to prisoners.
Pros: prose
Cons: cons
How much does a million kilos of evangelism weigh?
A Billigraham
A friend came over to mine and my girlfriend's house.
As soon as we let him in, I could see by the shock in his eyes that he'd noticed my girlfriend's tremendous weight gain. He leant in and whispered to me, "What happened to her!? She must weigh about 7 tonnes!"
I just turned to him and shook my head vigorously in defiance.
I didn't want to talk about the elephant in the room.
What's fast but doesn't weigh very much?
Light speed
How much does 2,000lbs of bone weigh
a skeleton
I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...
Banana for scale
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?
The keyboard adds an extra pound.
I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.
He is not going to get a weigh with this.
How much do bones weigh?
About a skeleTON
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. h**..., I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?
The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.
How do you weigh a millennial?
In instagrams.
How much does a pile of bones weigh?
It must weigh a skele-ton!
Why does a photon not weigh much?
Because it's light.
What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic?
See, you'd think it's the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter
Weight-loss pills are very effective...
They drain your bank account so you don't have money for food.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Happy Halloween: Who knows how much 2000 decomposed bodies weigh?
A skeleton.
A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?
Meat
How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?
Wonton.
Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?
Meat.
How did Mary know that Jesus weighed 7 lbs 6 oz?
Because there was a weigh in the manger.
How much did the skeleton Weigh?
A ton. A Skeleton.
The machine we use to weigh heavy machinery broke today and we had to call in specialists from all over the world to fix it
It was a large scale operation
In order for The Mandalorian's ship to take off he had to ensure his crew and cargo wasn't too heavy.
This is the weigh.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does one most accurately weigh themselves?
When they aren't full of s**....
Why is weighing snakes so easy?
Because they come with their own scales.
I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.
His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."
Does anybody have a scale I could borrow?
I just bought a bag of red hot chili peppers and I need to give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh nowww!
Someone stole my broken bathroom scales...
...but I'm confident they won't get a weigh with it.
A boxing match is about to start..
A boxing match is about to start.
An ex-criminal steps on the scale and weighs in at 90kg.
Next up.. a professional athlete weighing in at 85kg.
Gotta weigh the pros and cons
Edit but not actually an edit : it's dumb, I'm aware
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I matched with a g**... Tinder
She asked, "how tall are you?"
I replied, "5'10, how much do you weigh?"
She got angry and said, "That's body shaming, it's hard to lose weight!"
I laughed and said, "it's harder for me to gain height!"
How much does a Sumo Wrestler weigh?
Won ton.
What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?
A Soviet apple quartering machine.
What did the weighing scale say when someone broke its limit
-32768
Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?
They have built in scales
Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"
"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.
"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.
"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.
Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood pressure is incredibly high," she said.
"What do you expect?" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "Before I came here I was tall and thin. Now I'm short and fat!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself n**..., because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.
If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
What weighs less than the color blue?
Light blue
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't you ever see an over weight ghost?
They are deathly afraid of being exorcized
