weeks Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious weeks stories

What are the best weeks puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Weeks? Well here is a complete list of the top weeks jokes:

A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."


I just found out that i have two weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation


Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"



After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief


Honest Guy

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.


Tom Jones Syndrome

A woman goes to a doctor's office to get results back from a test she took a few weeks ago. The doctor sits her down and tells her "You have TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome." The woman, scared, asks "Is it rare?" and the doctor replies "It's not unusual"


Why did the semen cross the road?

Because it was my first wank in two weeks.


a guy goes to a bar...

... and after an hour, this smoking hot blonde approaches him. he offers her a drink, and they talk for a bit.

eventually she says, "i haven't had a dick for two weeks, you wanna go back to your place?" the guy is thrilled as they venture back to his apartment. the guy cannot believe his luck but then the girl removes her panties and he notices the scars


This woman stumbled upon something called "magic underwear"...

... She asked the manager, "What's magic about them?"

The man replied, "Well, if you wear it, you won't get pregnant!"

The woman bought the underwear but came back a few weeks later.

"You said that I won't get pregnant! It doesn't even work!" The woman lashed out at the manager.

The manager said to her, "Of course it does, miss."

"Then explain to me why I'm pregnant."

The manager simply replied, "Did you take it off?"


An old snake

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"


An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.
When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.
"Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."


For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"


My wife's been missing for two weeks and the police said to prepare for the worst.

So I went to the Goodwill and got her clothes back.


My mate Paddy called me last night.

He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth Β£600 each."

"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"

He said, "I'm not selling them."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "If they're worth Β£600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"


Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."


A bus full of housewives

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.
People cried for a week. But there was a man who was still crying after 2 weeks. When asked why he is still crying, he replied miserably: "My wife missed the bus."


I lost 140 unwanted, useless, life-sucking pounds - in only 6 weeks!

I got a divorce.


Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.

Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.

You know where to apply.


There was once a woman...

One day a woman became pregnant, she took the advice of her mother and aborted it. A few weeks later she became pregnant again! She also did what her mother suggested... A few more weeks later she (once again -_-) got knocked up, tired of taking her mothers advice, she went to the local parish priest and said to him "I keep getting pregnant, there must be something in the air"! To which the priest replied "yes... Your legs"


What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for two weeks afterward


So I flushed my extra viagra down the toilet...

I haven't been able to close the lid in weeks.


A Pirates life for me...

A first mate says to his captain "sir i have the yearn in me loins, and we haven't made port in weeks what do i do"

Captain : "I too have this problem , and have a solution!. when ever ye feel the need, place your self in this hole in the barrel, except on Wednesdays never on Wednesdays"

1st.Mate: "that's a great plan sir, but why not Wednesdays is that when we clean it out?"

Captain:"no you slimy dog Wednesdays is your turn in the barrel"


A man is at the doctor waiting for his test results...

"i'm sorry", says the doctor, "your test results are in and you only have 2 weeks to live". He hands the stunned man the results as well as the hospital bill. "Two weeks?!" says the man nervously, "I'll never be able to pay this bill of in time!"

Doc says, "ok, then you have 6 weeks to live".


A man goes to the doctor...

and says, "Doc, my ass is killing me."

Doc checks him out and then writes him a prescription for suppositories and says, "Come back when the prescription runs out and let me know how you're feeling."

A couple of weeks later, the guy is back in the doctor's office.

Guy says, "Doc, I'm not feeling any better."

Doc says, "Well, did you take the suppositories?"

Guy says, "Yeah and for all the good they did me, I should've just shoved them up my ass."


An escalating series of math jokes

Me: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Math is hard, and so I am.

Her: I wish you were my differential equations homework... because if you were, you would be hard and I would be doing you on my desk.

Me: Well, I'm awfully glad you're not *my* differential equations homework... because if you were, you would be 6 weeks late.


Not what he was expecting....

A hot divorcee moved in next door to an elderly man who has been lonely for most of his life. A couple of weeks later, she stops at his house for a moment. "I'm ready", she says to him, and his package starts to rise-----he can't help himself! "I wanna blow off some steam, get drunk, and get laid! Can I ask you something before I do that?" The man replies, "Sure!" and is so hard, he can't think clearly. "Can you watch my kids?" the divorcee asks.


This morning I saw a homeless guy talking to his shadow...

Does that mean six more weeks of recession?


An American customs agent and an Canadian customs agent are having a beer after a long week.

The Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American redneck trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"

The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are you carrying any fruits or vegetables?' The kid thinks for a second and says 'Is marijuana a vegetable?'"


Number Bullying

1 was making fun of 0 for being fat and how he equates to nothing. This continued for several weeks until 0 had enough. He grabs 1 by his throat and shouts "Stop boolean me!".


Guy goes to the doctor

Guy feels bad, so he goes to the doctor. Tests come back and the doctor says "I've got some bad news. You've only got a week to live."

Guy says "That's terrible!"

Doctor then hands him the bill. Guy looks at it and says "I don't have the money to pay that!"

Doctor says "Okay, *two* weeks."


Currency caper

A Japanese man visits Australia.

On the way in he converts his 4000 yen to $100.

A couple of weeks later, he is returning home and converts his last $100, but this time only receives 2000 yen.

"what's up with this?", he enquires, "why is the conversion rate half what it was when I came here?"

"fluctuations." replies the exchange kiosk operator.

"yeah? well fluck you too, white man."


Show it who's boss.

You could spend hours, days, or weeks desperately over analyzing it. You could sit there forever trying to put the pieces back together. Or you you can throw that puzzle on the ground and show it who's boss.


Two Irishmen Open A Pub...

Two Irish men opened a pub in Dublin.

They're open for three weeks, and *no one* comes in, they haven't had a **single** customer.

Finally, one Irishman turns to the other and says, "I've been thinking about our problem. I think we should open a Brothel."

The second Irishman says, "Are you bloody mad? If we can't get them to drink beer, how in hell are we going to get them to drink broth?"


Ever listen to the radio station WPMS?

3 weeks of the blues, one week of rag-time


So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.

Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"

Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"

Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"

P.S: Benzin= Petrol, but the joke works way better with benzin IMO


I had sex for an hour and 30 seconds last night!

Thanks daylight savings!




(I saw this joke a few weeks ago, today is the perfect day for it!)


What's the difference between a washer and a virgin?

...a washer doesn't follow you around for 3 weeks after you put a full load in it.


2 weeks sober.

I'm 2 weeks Sober, Unintentionally. Now I'm sitting here wondering why good things happen, to bad people.


I haven't spoken to my wife in two weeks...

I don't want to interrupt her.


Bad news from the doctor

The doctor says to his patient, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You don't have long to live."

The patient says, "Well, how long do I have?"

The doctor says, "Ten"

The patient says, "Ten. Ten what? Ten weeks, ten months?"

The doctor says, "Nine"


Blueish colored feet....

A man goes to doctor after suffering from blueish colored feet for few weeks

Doctor: This means your feet have been infected and need to be amputated and fitted with wooden leg.

After operation, doctor attached a wooden feet which started to look blueish after few days.

Doctor: This definitely means your jeans is getting discolored.


A Sad Attempt

Q: After getting fired from his job at the painting factory, why did Claude Monet wear sweatpants every day for 2 straight weeks?
A: He didn't have anyone to Impress.

Q: What did the social outcast crow say when none of the other crows would let her join their cliques?
A: Someone please murder me.

Q: In the movie The 6th Day, what did Arnold Schwarzenegger's character say when he found out that his wife had cheated on him with his clone?
A: I'm going to kill myself.


The local radio station is having a contest.

First place wins a week in New Jersey.

Second place wins 2 weeks in New Jersey.


Man Find Potato Latvia

Man is finally find little potato. Man think can eat and be hungry less but if plant in ground have many more potato soon. Many big potato. Hungry never! So he bury and water for weeks but no grow nothing. Then man realize was not potato that buried. Was just hopes and dreams.


vote up if My favorite snail joke

A old man is eating dinner and he hears a knock on the door. He says "GET AWAY!" he hears another knock. So he finally gets up and goes to the door and sees a snail. The Man then gets angry and kicks him across the street. 3 weeks later the man is eating dinner and hears another knock he goes to the door and the snail is there and says " What was that for?"


A man decides to show his love for his girlfriend...

... by getting her name (Wendy) tattooed on his penis. Unfortunately, when the penis isn't erect, you can only see the letters "W" and "Y".

A few weeks later, the man and his girlfriend go on a trip to the Caribbean. After the plane lands, and they arrive safely at the gate, he tells his SO that he needs to use the restroom.

Upon arriving at the restroom, a Jamaican man walks up to use the urinal next to him.

The man accidentally glanced over and saw the letters "W" and "Y" also happened to be tattooed on the Jamaican man's penis.

The man asked, "Oh, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?"

The Jamaican man responded, "No, my tattoo says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day'."


A Texan Visits Israel

A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and provides the Texan with a drink of water. Israel is not a particularly large country and has a fairly large population, so the individual farmsteads are rather small. Noticing this, and feeling friendly, the Texan talks a bit.

'Back in a Texas, I'm a farmer too, although it's a bit different there. If I climb in my truck early in the morning and drive until noon across my property, I'm not even halfway across. If I keep driving until the sun sets, I'll have only reached the other end of my property, and I'll have to camp out and drive back the next day'

The Israeli farmer nods before responding

'I once had a truck like that'


You must abstain from sex for two weeks.

Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had sex right there on the floor."

The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."


Jon was excited about his new rifle..

... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.Β Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.Β The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.Β Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.Β The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"Β 


In the early 1800's Indian Chief Bowels refused to leave his land..........

So he goes in to town and tell the governer that he is going to stay.But since he didn't read English, he accidently ends up in a doctors office.So he goes to the doctor and says "Bowels NO MOVE!!!", so the doctor gives him a laxative and say to come back in a week.
A week later the cheif came back to the doctor and says again "Bowels STILL NO MOVE!!!!!" so the docter gives him a stronger laxative. This goes on for six more weeks until one day the chief came to the doctor and said "bowels now move, me made big crap in teepee".



You've red some of the best weeks jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about weeks. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty weeks gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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