weeks Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious weeks puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, Its dark in here.

The man says, Yes, it is.

Boy ~ I have a baseball.

Man ~ That's nice.

Boy ~ Want to buy it?

Man ~ No, thanks.

Boy ~ My dad's outside.

Man ~ OK, how much?

Boy ~ $250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ Its dark in here.

Man ~ Yes, it is.

Boy ~ I have a baseball glove.

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?

Boy ~ $750?

Man ~ Fine.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.

The father asks, How much did you sell them for?

Boy ~ $1,000?

The father says, That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, Dark in here.

The priest says, Don't start that crap again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.


I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.


When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.


Wow, that's amazing! the doctor says.


Did you follow my instructions?


The blonde nods…


I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."


From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.


No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Not Horny.....

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Temper cure...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"


Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!" The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!" And the third guys looks and says, "...Who the fuck is [*insert name of one of the listeners*]?!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks."

The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.

The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple goes to a sex therapist..

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.

St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"

God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.

About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

**

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bob has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day, he confessed to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer....

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob vows to overcome his rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bob returns home, absolutely ashen. What's wrong, Bob? His wife asks..


Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?

His wife gasps, My God Bob, what happened?

I got fired , he says.

No Bob, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?


Oh, um....she got fired too .

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just found out that i have two weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

"Danephew."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cowboy...

... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn.

This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?"

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers though."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

You must abstain from sex for two weeks.

Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had sex right there on the floor."

The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The French, the British, and the American are talking about submarines.

So there's a French, British, and American submarine engineer, sitting at a cafΓ©, overlooking the ocean.

The British says "Our new electric submarines can stay underwater for a full two weeks without surfacing," he brags.

The Frenchman replied "Zat is nothing! Our new French diesel submarines can stay underwater for a full month without surfacing!"

The American then says. "Oh ho. Yeah, well our new American nuclear submarines can stay underwater for a full three months without surfacing."

Suddenly, a submarine rises from the ocean. The hatch opens, a man gets out, raises his arm and says "Hail Hitler! Have we won the war?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...

I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."

I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, one guy got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.

I asked, "Did he drown?"

The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[NSFW] What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

Why, that's amazing! the doctor said, Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nodded.

I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.

From hunger, you mean?

No, from skipping.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The best engine in the world

The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks it does it's own oil change.

It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Irishman visits his doctor after a long illness.

An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I'm afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let go to the pub and have a few pints."
After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers.
Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy's old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son.
After his friends leave, the guys' son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion β€žDad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Well , the guy says, "I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does another check up on him, and this time prescribes him some extremely powerful laxatives.

Another two weeks pass and the same guy walks in saying, "Doc, I still can't shit". Fearing the worst, the doctor then starts asking him about his family history and his background.

The doctor then gets to the question, "What's your occupation?"

"Well I'm a artist," he states. "A painter by trade."

The doctor then laughs, "That makes sense! Here's five dollars, go eat something".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Daughter Wanted a Puppy

I was walking through the park a few weeks ago with my daughter, when she pulled at my hand and pointed over to what was 2 dogs having sex - she asked me "daddy what are they doing", to which I replied "they are making a puppy".

Anyway's a few weeks later I was in the bedroom on top of my wife making passionate love to her, when my daughter burst in the room and said "daddy what are you doing", I said "we are making a baby", to which she started crying, and then whimpered "daddy please turn mummy over, I really want a puppy"...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.

This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.

The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Silent farts

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy goes to see his doctor about his headaches

They have tried several treatments, and none have worked.

The doctor says, "This sounds crazy, but I used to have headaches like yours. One night I was with my wife, and I went down on her. She squeezed my head really hard with her thighs, and my headache went away. It works every time."

The guy says, "At this point, I'll try anything."

A couple of weeks later, the guy stops by the doctor's office, "Doc, I don't know how to thank you. I took your advice, and you were right, as soon as she squeezed my head with her thighs, my headache was gone. The headache has come back a few times, but I do the thing, get squeezed, and it's gone. It's a miracle."

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad I could help."

The guy says, "Well, thanks again, Oh, and by the way, you have a beautiful home."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Man Walks Into A Bar...

And orders 3 shots for himself. The bartender asks why 3 shots? The man says that he has two brothers overseas and that whenever they drink, they all drink for each other as well.

A few weeks later, the same man comes in again and orders 2 shots for himself. The bartender asks the man if something happened to one of his brothers. The man replies "Nah, I've just stopped drinking."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Boy, The Man, and The Closet

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice"

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,

"How much?"

Boy: "$ 750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession."

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again; you're in my closet now."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"

So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So there are three couples.

Three couplesβ€”one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wedβ€”apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Statistician and bomb.

Found this on Raymond Smullyan's book "To Mock a Mockingbird". Hope you might like it.


There is the story of
a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I
have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on
the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low,
it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend
met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your
theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just
that I subsequently computed the probability that there would
simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is
low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own
bomb. "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"


The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.

"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.

Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.

"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"

Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks decided to have a pit stop at a brothel...

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks decided to have a pit stop at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, 'The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f&*% all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"

The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."

The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Yesterday while working I saw a gigantic funeral precession...

There were two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog, followed by hundreds of men.

I take a break from work and say to the man walking the dog " excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but do you mind telling me what happened?"

The man replies:
"A couple of weeks ago I bought this dog for my wife. Last week it turned on her and killed her. During the attack my mother in law tried to pull the dog off of her daughter and ended up dying as well"

I say : " sir can I borrow you dog?"

He replies : "Get in line "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Where's your bin?

A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.

"Hey bub, where's ya bin`"
"I took a little vacation for a few weeks,"
"No. I meant where's your bin?"
"Told ya, vacation, at the beach!"
"No man. Where's ya wheely bin?"
"Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.

Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.

So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.

Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hill side where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere, he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.

A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears this women screaming for help. He swims to her rescue and the woman is grateful to him.

Thanking him she says, "Can I do anything to repay you."

He replies, "Anything?"

"Yes, anything." she answers.

So then he asks, "Okay. Can you take the dog out for a walk?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!

It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.

It's been 2 weeks and I'm still Asian.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The church was looking for a new bell ringer...

..and they put out an advertisment to find someone. After weeks of waiting, a man with no arms shows to apply. The clergy decided to let him try, given that no one else has shown up. They ascend up to the top of the bell tower and the priest tells the armless man to just have at it. The armless man steps up to bell, and just savagely bangs his head against the side of it until he falls over, dead. The clergy, clearly shocked, run down to the congregation gathered and ask,

"Did any of you know that man?"

And some else shouts, "No, but I think his face rings a bell!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What can you say about your car but not about your girlfriend?

"It died a few weeks ago but I still use parts of it."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A mechanic just recently died

... and not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. Well, while in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at, fixing things. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's and indoor plumbing, all being constantly maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to have the mechanic as Hell is supposed to be an awful place and shouldn't have any luxuries. Satan refused, and God threatened to sue him for the mechanic. Satan looks up and says, "where are you going to find a lawyer"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

πŸ‘πŸΌ

you have a very nice house

A man goes to doctor complaining about migraines.


His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my dear wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should also try it."


Two weeks later, the patient tells doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Japanese woman went to the bank to exchange yen to US dollars.

The teller gave her $100. A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only $90.

She said, "What wrong? I give yen, you only give 90 dorrah?!"

The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations?"

The woman said "Fuck you white peopre too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My doctor said I have 2 weeks to live...

So I shot him. Problem solved, the judge gave me 20 years.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It's dark in here

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man whispers, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"

Boy - "$750."

Man - "Fine."





A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman put an ad in on Craigslist

"Want: a man who won't run around on me, a man who won't abuse me, and a man who is great in bed. Please apply in person."

She submitted it and waited a few weeks, but no one came to apply.

Finally, the door bell ran one morning. She went to answer the doorbell and there was a man in a wheelchair who had no arms or legs.

"Please tell me you aren't here from the craigslist ad."

He responded, "Well of course I am! I haven't got any arms so I can't abuse you."

"Well yes, that's true."

"I'm missing legs so I can't run around on you."

Chuckling she added, "Ok ok. But are you good in bed?"

Smirking he said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines ovat the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-out but still in a good condition for it's age surfaces. An old grey-bearded man opens up the hatch and shouts to them:

"Heil Hitler! Haben sie Diesel?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Statistician on a plane

A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb. "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Pickle slicer (nsfw)

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.


A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"


"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"


His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"


"I got fired."


"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"


"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..

..April fools!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blond walks into a New York City bank...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blond replies….. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I wanna stick my penis in the pickle slicer.

Frank has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Frank vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Frank returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Frank?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Frank, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Frank ... I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, uhhh, she got fired, too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for Β£3000.
The man agrees.
6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.
While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants.
"Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?"
He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."


"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Honest Guy

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Billy

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter request $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to weite a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks,
Billy

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bill works in a pickle factory...

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.

By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"

"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man survives a plane crash over the ocean...

He is huddled on a piece of debris with nothing but a dog and a pig. After drifting for several days the three land on the shore of a completely uninhabited island. After several weeks, the man feels that he will completely lose his mind if he doesn't have sex soon. After thinking it over he decides to try and have sex with the pig. He catches it, and is about to have his way, when the dog comes out of nowhere and bites him on the ass. Several days later the same thing happens: when the man catches the pig the dog bites him on the ass.
After several more weeks of this the man is looking out to see and notices a piece of driftwood. Upon closer inspection he sees a woman on top of the floating debris. He swims out, drags the unconscious woman to shore, and gives her CPR. Miraculously the woman comes to, and thanks the man profusely. "You saved my life! I will do ANYTHING for you!"
The man is smiling from ear to ear, looks at the woman, and says, "Hold that dog back while I fuck this pig."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An American Tourist in London

An American man is on holiday in London and decides to get a cab from the airport to his hotel. On the way he passes Tower Bridge and says to the driver "Hey man, what's that?" The cab driver replies "That's Tower Bridge", and the American replies "In America we could build that in two weeks!"

Next they pass Buckingham Palace and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "That's Buckingham Palace", the American replies "In America we could build that in one week!"

Next they pass The Houses of Parliament and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "I dunno mate, it wasn't there this morning".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Parrot on a Perch

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."

"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What happened?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.

"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How not to become a member of a church.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman walked into a bank,

A woman walked into a bank in New York and asked for the loan officer. She said that she was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5000. The bank officer told her that he will need some kind of security for such loan. So the woman handed over the keys of a new Rolls Royce car that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything was checked and the bank agreed to accept the car as security for the loan. An employee rode the car into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the woman came back, repaid the $5000 with interest of $15. The loan officer came to her and said, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked very well. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzled us was why should you bother to borrow $5000?

The woman replied, Well, where else in Manhattan, can I park my car for two weeks for $15?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

King Arthur leaves for two weeks

but before he leaves, he knows Guinevere will cheat on him with all the knights, so he installs a special chastity belt that slices off anything that enters it.

When Arthur returns, he lines up all of his knights and instructs them to take off their pants and underwear (Act like pants and underwear exists in the 5th century, Ok?) and discovers that all of them have no penis except for Sir Xavier. The king says to him,

"Sir Xavier, you are the most honorable, faithful knight that works for me. What can I grant you?"

Alas, Sir Xavier was silent.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After weeks of abuse from my parents I finally decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Marylou

One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" cried the husband.

"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"

"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.

Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.

"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.

"Your horse called."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.

They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.

12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"

"Thats strange." Says the mom.

A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"

"Thats really strange" says the mom.

A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."

"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Skip a Day

During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."

When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"

The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."

"From hunger?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Thrifty therapy...

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men are standing on the pavement...

Two men are standing on the pavement smoking cigarettes. The first man turns to the other and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?" The second man responds, "One is for me and the other is in honor of my brother who is in jail." The first man nods his understanding and leaves to get on with his day.

Two weeks later the first man walks past the second man and sees he is only smoking one cigarette. Excited he asks him, "Is your brother out of jail?" The second man looks at him in a dejected way and replies, "No, I just quit smoking."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Tom Jones Syndrome

A woman goes to a doctor's office to get results back from a test she took a few weeks ago. The doctor sits her down and tells her "You have TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome." The woman, scared, asks "Is it rare?" and the doctor replies "It's not unusual"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Abstience

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.



"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Five cannibals get hired

Five cannibals get hired on as engineers at a large International Company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for a meal, so please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Vice Presidents, Corporate Lawyers, and Regional Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Assisted Living

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in an assisted living home.
Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their
abuelo...

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful, everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.


"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on

the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
"Doctor"

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F---ing Mexican"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little boy walks in on his parents........

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The dad, all flustered, tries to explain to him what was going on.
-Well, you know how you've always wanted a little brother?....that's what I was doing with mommy. I was putting your little brother inside mommy.
The little guy seems content with the explanation, and the dad is quite proud of himself for having thought of it.
A couple of weeks later, the dad comes home from work to find the little boy crying on the front steps.
-What's wrong buddy...why're you crying?
-My baby brother.
-What about him?
-The mailman came by today....AND ATE HIIIIMM!!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men and a woman are shipwrecked on an island...

Eventually the men start to feel the calling of being a man and respectably ask the woman if they would be able to unleash their urges. The woman agrees and they proceed to do the job. This goes on for a couple of months and the woman takes turns with each of them whenever they feel their call. Eventually the woman dies and the men dispair. A few weeks go by and they decide to have sex. Again, this goes on for a couple more weeks and one day one man turns to the other "this really isn't right." The other one responds "You're right, we should bury the body."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to see a doctor

A man goes to see a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have an orange dick!" The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm... I believe this is related to stress possibly caused by finances. You should sell your house. Move into a smaller place."
Two weeks later, the man returns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I sold my house, moved into a smaller place, but I still have an orange dick!" The doctor leans back in his chair and after a moment says, "Hmmm... Maybe it was not your finances that were causing stress. It must then be stress related to work place. You should quit your job."
Two weeks later, the man returns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I sold my house, I quit my job, but I still have an orange dick!" The doctor scratches his head and says, "If it isn't work place then it must be stress at home. Its a tough decision but I think you should leave your wife."
Two weeks later, the man returns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I sold my house, I quit my job, I left my wife, but I STILL HAVE AN ORANGE DICK!" The doctor scratches his head, pulls his hair and asks, "I have removed the 3 biggest stress causing issues from your life and it hasn't helped! What do you do all day?" The man replies, "Eat cheetos and watch porn."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My little nephew is going to grow up to be such an asshole.

Check this out, it's his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and, being that his mother (my wife's sister) doesn't have much money, we decide to get him a really nice gift. You know, something a 7 year old kid would be thrilled with. So we buy him a full-size trampoline. This thing is like 10 feet across, has the safety netting and everything!

The little shit won't jump on it! All he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife told me "My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks"

I said "And what did your proctologist say?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife has two weeks left to live...

Then I'm going to stab her.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Your first job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant answered, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years ... say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

Replied the interviewer: "Yes, but you started it."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Walking down the street I heard a gangster call me a pussy...

I turned to find him and his friend laughing. Feeling brave I simply replied, "You are what you eat. Explains why you're being such a dick while your buddy's giggling like an asshole."

The good news is that the nurse says I can go home in 4-6 more weeks...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple went to a sex therapist...

... and the man asked the doctor, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"and charged them Rs.300.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "What exactly can I help you with?"

The man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Oberoi charges Rs. 5,000 per room, the Taj charges Rs.4,000, the Le Meridian charges Rs.2,500. We do it here for Rs.300, and I get that money back from MediClaim."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jon was excited about his new rifle..

... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.Β Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.Β The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.Β Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.Β The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"Β 

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..

She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you get an Irishman to stop drinking?

I could really use some help on this, I had a party two weeks ago and Sheamus is still here

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The dirty joke from 'Freaks and Geeks'

A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life. Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"

He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."

Then she says, "And the sex life?"

He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"

"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.

So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.

Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.

"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.

The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.

"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"What would you do if I won Lotto?"

A man walks in the door at home and walks up to his wife:
"Honey, what would you do if I won Lotto?"
She replies: "Take half and leave you of course."
The man instantly smiles:
"I just won $12 on this weeks lotto... Here's $6. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Jamaican men are invited to a costume party…

The invitation read come dressed as an emotion . Both of the men were stumped as to what to go as and thought long and hard for weeks. Finally on the day of the party, while they were sitting in the kitchen, an idea came to one of them. He jumped up, ran to the fridge and grabbed a large bowl of custard. He then took the biggest pear he could find from the fruit bowl and presented them to his friend.

Brilliant man , said his friend

That night at the party, the host hears a knock at the door and opens it to find both the Jamaican men almost completely naked. All that is protecting their modesty is the bowl of custard which the first man has held at his crotch with his junk fully submerged in the yellow desert, while the second man has the large pear shoved on the end of his erect cock. A little taken aback the host just manages to ask what emotion they may possibly be dressed as. To which the first man replies..

I am fucking dis custard

And the second man says…

And I 'ave come deep in dis pear

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The blonde went to see her doctor.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," she said. "I've been very short-tempered lately. I'm always yelling at my husband and kids over the silliest little things."

"Sounds like stress," said the doctor. "Maybe you need to exercise more. Tell you what, try running ten miles a day. Call me in two weeks and let me know how things are going."

So two weeks later the doctor got a call. "Well, I followed your advice. I've been running ten miles every day."

"Splendid! And how are things between you and your family?"

"How the hell should I know? I'm 140 miles from home!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."

Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it! They can go for months without needing supplies!"

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a large submarine emerging from the water. The hatch opens, and a sailer shouts at them,

"Sieg Heil! We need fuel!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out: "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I finally decided to play Fortnite.

It's fun, but it gets boring after a couple of weeks

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've recently developed an addiction to Viagra...

It's been the hardest 3 weeks of my life.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This pig with the wooden leg . . .

A guy visits his friend, who is a farmer, and sees him sitting on the front porch, chewing a strand of wheat and petting a pig with a wooden leg. They get to talking, and the friend asks the farmer about the pig's leg.
'it's the craziest thing', say the farmer. 'There was this fire a few weeks back, in the old barn next to the house. I was lost in the smoke, searching for a way out, when the central support beam collapsed, pinning me down. I was going to die. BUT SUDDENLY, through the thick haze, I see this pig rushing toward me. She manages to wedge her body under the beam, and with all her might lifts the load just enough for me to shimmy my body out, and we both run to safety.'
'WOW, that is some incredible story,' says the friend 'but it still doesn't explain the wooden leg.'
--'Well, with a pig like THAT, you don't want to eat it all at once!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a brothel...

tells the Madame I only have $20 what the best I can get? Madame says go to room 7. Guy goes to room - opens door and sees a chicken - figures ok, whatever, I'll fuck the chicken. Afterwards he thinks to himself - not bad actually. Shows back up 2 weeks later - tells Madame I've only got $10 - what's the best I can get? she sends him to room 8. He Walks in and sees a bunch of men watching a couple having sex on floor - he turns to the guy beside him and says "not bad for 10 bucks eh?" the guy turns to him and says you think this is good you should've been here two weeks ago they had some idiot in there fucking a chicken.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman is trying to grow tomatoes, but can't seem to get them to turn red...

She sees that her neighbor has beautiful red tomatoes so she asks him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" "Easy" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No, but my cucumbers are enormous!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three generals are having a day off at the beach

The American General begins to boast: "Our submarines are the best in the world! The newest 2016 model can stay weeks under water without having to surface!"

The Russian general is unimpressed and says: "Russian U-boat is best. Months we stay under water and no need to go up!"

The German general is impressed and doesn't know what to say.

Suddenly they see waves appearing a little off the shore and with a splash, a submarine surfaces. The hatch opens and the emerging soldier raises his right arm "Heil Hitler! We are out of fuel!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Lost Bible

One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red...

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes to turn such a bright red?"

He replies, "Twice a day, I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. They turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing.

So twice a day, for two weeks, she stands buck naked in her garden.

Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replies, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers! They're enormous!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The chicken farm

A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiousity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks.

The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two old baseball fans

Two old guys, Bob and Steve, are huge fans of baseball. As in, that was all they ever talked about. Bob was on his deathbed, when Steve told him something.

"Bob," he said, "When you get to Heaven, could you let me know if they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bob said "yes" and then passed away.


Three weeks later, as a still-grieving Steve was falling asleep, a sudden light from high up in heaven (!) shined down on him, and an angel from the lord was sent to Steve.

"Hey Steve," the angel, who was revealed to be Bob, said, "Great news!"

"Bob! What is it?!" Steve said.

"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that they *do have* baseball in Heaven."

"Whats the bad news?"

"You're pitching next week."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend got jury duty

So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.

Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.

Note: This is an original joke. Any suggestions on how I can clean it up a bit, make it a little punchier?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A group of highly skilled doctors meet at an international medical conference to boast of their greatest achievements

The Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we are able to chop off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in only 6 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The German doctor snorts and says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we can take out a bit of man's brain, put it in another man and in only 4 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The Russian doctor boasts: "Gentlemen, we can take half a heart from a man, place it in another's chest and in only 2 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The Australian doctor looks up from his laughing fit and says: "Wow, seems like you all have some catching up to do. We took a man with no heart, no brain and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a doctor's office with stomach problems

The doctor runs some tests and tells the man it can be solved, but he has to take a suppository once a day for two weeks. The doctor inserts the first one to show the patient how it is done.

The next day the man is trying to insert the medication, but is too squeamish to do it. So he asks his wife to help. Gladly she says yes and the man bends over as the wife braces herself with one hand on his should and the other to insert the medication. As the wife is about to insert the suppository the man jumps up shock.

"what's wrong, did I hurt you?" asks the wife.

"No" said the husband "I just realized the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me the medication"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?

Atrophy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Genius Boyfriend

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.

'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough, common and bloody stupid.'

'Oh no, Daddy.' the daughter replied, 'Fred's ever so clever!'

'Amuse me', the father said.

'Well, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the semen cross the road?

Because it was my first wank in two weeks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The curious case of the lost washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:

"What happened to your washcloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it".

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running
to his mother yelling and screaming,

"I found your washcloth!"

The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,

"Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face with it."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Camping Trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.


Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.


Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.


Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.


"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"


"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."


So here I am.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Custer's last staand

A very wealthy woman decides she wants her drawing room ceiling completely painted over. She hires an artist, and tells him that she wants him to paint a Western scene, centered on General Custer's final words. After giving him these instructions, she goes on vacation.

Two weeks later, she returns and, excited to see the final product, calls the artist to her house. She steps into the drawing room and immediately her jaw drops. Plastered on the ceiling are what appear to be dozens of Native Americans fornicating, and in the center of it all is a cow with a halo over its head. Furious, she turns to the artist and demands an explanation.

The artist replies, "I just painted what I thought Custer's last words would be: Holy cow, that's a lot of fucking Indians!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An elderly couple on a cruise . . .

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise.

The old woman faxed back: Thank you for the notice. So send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

South American Stamps

So a lady goes to see her gyno because she's having a personal health issue. The doctor enters.
"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's been two weeks, doc..I keep finding stamps up my vagina!"
"...stamps?.."
"Yeah! From Costa Rica! Sometimes even Ecuador! I've never even been outside the country!"
"Well, you best get in the stirrups so I can see what the issue is."
Lady puts her feet in the stirrups. The doctor has a look.
"Ah, ma'am, you'll have to remember to WASH the bananas!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back to the clinic.

Patient: Doc, I'm now having marital problems. My wife doesn't want to make love to me anymore. Please give me back my old dick back.

Doctor: Nnnononono cccacacannn dddododooo. A a a a a dddededeeaall iiiiss a a a a dddededeal.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Welcome to the neighborhood

A fella working on Wall St. decides he has had enough of the rat race. He's made a lot of money, so he buys himself a piece of land way out in the boonies where his nearest neighbors will be miles away.

He's been living out there for a couple weeks, fixing up the old house and generally enjoying his solitude, when a pickup truck comes driving down the dirt road to his place. A grizzled old mountain man gets out of the truck, and says "Howdy neighbor."

"Please to meet you." says the fella, "Do you live nearby?"

"Yonder over that ridge, bout 10 miles." says the mountain man "I'm a invitin' you to a hootenanny, seeing as how you're new to these here parts."

"That's very kind of you, but, ah, what's a hootenany?" says the fella.

"Its a good ole time. There'll be drinkin' an a dancin', fightin' and a fuckin".

"Sure does sound like a good time, count me in!" says the fella. "How many people will be there?"

"I reckon it'll just be you an' me."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sandra, a devout Catholic, got married and had 11 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 11 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Sandra also passed away.

At Sandra's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?

The husband said: I've heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.

After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where's the girl?
She responds with: you'll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Weeks puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Weeks? Well, here are the best jokes about Weeks to have fun with.

Joko Jokes