Weekly Jokes
71 weekly jokes and hilarious weekly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about weekly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Start your week off right with a good laugh by checking out these weekly jokes! We've got you covered with a collection of the funniest and most entertaining jokes to get you through the workweek and make your nights enjoyable. Check out our daily updated selection of hilarious weekly jokes!
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Funniest Weekly Short Jokes
Short weekly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The weekly humour may include short monthly jokes also.
- This week in DC, mark zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He's explaining Facebook to old people.
- My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weigh 7lbs 12 oz
- I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
- The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
- Corona must have hit India hard... I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer. - I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charge him for it though.
- Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
- So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday. I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
- I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
- *Creating password* "MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [password two week]
^Edited ^for ^better ^understanding
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Weekly One Liners
Which weekly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with weekly? I can suggest the ones about daily and weeks.
- Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week
- I could tell you a COVID joke... But it would take 2 weeks to see if you get it.
- I just found out that i have two weeks to live My wife just went on vacation
- The inventor of Velcro died last week. RIP
- I've lost 7lbs this week. Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".
- Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday The virus is quarantined for two weeks
- Congrats Mac Miller! 1 week sober!
- I ate an entire feather pillow last week Since then I've been feeling down in the dumps.
- Tesla released a car air freshener last week... They call it Elon's Musk.
- I lost 189 lbs in one week. By getting a divorce.
- My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week... I lost it.
- Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch.
- Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late.. ..April fools!"
- Know what they called the Russian Ruble last week? Currency
- Diarrhoea Awareness Week starts on Monday Runs until Friday.
Weekly Times Jokes
Here is a list of funny weekly times jokes and even better weekly times puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week I told him because it's only Wednesday
- Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
- Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules... ...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.
- Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week
- I went to my first Fight Club last week. I was unfortunately late to it and so I missed the rules. But I had a great time at Fight Club, and I would strongly recommend Fight Club to everyone.
- Boss: It's the third time this week you're late for for work. Do you know what it means? It's Wednesday already
- A friend asked me if I wanted to come to his house last week I told him I'll be there as soon as I boot up my time machine
- Last week I got eczema, diarrhea, and hemorrhoids. It was the first time I ever won a game of Scrabble.
- Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas? Boss: It's May.
Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas? - My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Silly & Ridiculous Weekly Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about weekly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean regular jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make weekly pranks.
practicing with the violin
A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again.
"What's wrong?" asks the teacher.
"It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin"
A little boy walks into his local corner store...
He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."
s**... through the ages:
Age 20-30: Tri-weekly
Age 30-40: Try weekly
Age 40-50: Try weakly
Best short jokes?
I need a joke for a meeting we have tomorrow at work but I cant remember any good ones after following this tradition weekly for the last few months.
It must be short with just an opening line and a punchline like this:
**Can a ninja throw a star?**
**Shuriken**
The punchline doesnt have to be one word of course, but it cant be a long joke.
Can anybody remember any good ones?
My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?)
Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.
So me and my p**... friends have a weekly gathering...
Every week one of us brings a talent down the pub to show the others - this time it was my turn.
I brought along my guitar and after some Dutch courage I began to play.
Within a few seconds of starting the guys started cheering me on, one of them was even weeping, saying how amazing the song was.
I had no idea what the big deal was, I was just f**... A minor.
A recent study shows that m**... twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.
A team of particle physicists ran an experiment for the entire year,
and the detector reported exactly fifty two events which they were looking for. They published a research paper called "Weekly interacting particles".
My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil
I still don't know how much she charged him though.
Super nova the newest channel on youtube check it out for youre weekly dose of fun videos :D
How much s**... do couples have?
Newly weds: "Tri-weekly."
After 10 years: "Try weekly."
After 30 years, "Try, weakly."
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
What are the 3 stages of s**... after marriage?
Tri-weekly
Try Weekly
and
Try Weakly
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I love Mondays...
It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class.
My wife made coffee this morning and I ended up with a piece of coffee bean in my teeth at the weekly department meeting.
My lawyer has informed me this qualifies as grounds for divorce.
My doctor asked me if I was ready for my weekly trepanation
Yes. I know the drill.
Entering a friend's home for his weekly poker game, Slick is amazed to see a dog sitting at the table.
He's even more surprised when the dog wins the first hand with a full house, and takes the second with a royal flush.
"This is unreal," Slick says after the dog wins the next two hands. "He's got to be only dog in the world that can play like that."
"Aw, he's not so great," says the host. "There's a dog in Las Vegas who doesn't wag his tail every time he gets a good hand."
I've been married for eight years and I still get head weekly.
My wife would kill me though if she knew how much I was paying for it.
A genie grants a husband's wish
A genie grants a husband's wish, "Every time I have s**... with my wife she will lose 5 pounds."
The husband and wife have their weekly love making and the next morning the wife weighs herself and notices the loss.
With a big grin the husband says "Maybe every time you have s**... you lose 5 pounds?"
She replies If that were true I should be down 15 pounds this week.
My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it.
They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!
Male s**... Drive Through The Ages
Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly
Between 33 and 52: Try weekly
52 and up: Try weakly
I subscribed to a weekly email about the latest watches...
I now know that's I'm on somekind of watch list
s**... life cycle of a human male
tri-weekly
try weekly
try weakly
What did the Cannibals Anonymous group say to Dave when he showed up an hour late to their weekly meeting?
Nothing. They just gave him the cold shoulder.
What do you call a "fixed regular payment earned for work or services, typically paid on a daily or weekly basis." in South Africa?
SAwage.
Office fridge clean out jokes
I'm running low on dad jokes about refrigerators Bc this is weekly thing.
/u/username goes to do his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
My wife has weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil...
I can vouch that what ever she charges him is well worth it!
I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with l**... himself on how to be even more vicious.
I've no idea what kind of fees she's charging him.
Little Johnny was running behind for his weekly trip to the p**...
When he got there, she said
"Eh Jack! You late!"
Two women met in a cafe for their weekly chitchat
"My husband brought me 20 roses yesterday for our anniversay. Bet now he expects that I spread my legs for 2 weeks"
"Why that? Don't you have a vase?"
There are three stages of s**... after marriage:
1. Tri-weekly.
2. Try weekly.
3. Try weakly.
The three stages of a man's life.
1) tri-weekly
2) try weekly
3) try weakly
I've religiously disinfected the groceries in my weekly supermarket delivery
Except for the items I take over to my mother-in-law
There are 3 stages to a married couple's s**... life
Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly
If anybody needs copies of Osteopath Weekly
I have back issues.
At a conference a s**... therapist was discussing his book s**... in a Marriage
The therapist asked the audience how many couples have s**... daily about 20% of the audience raised their hands
then he asked how many couples have s**... weekly about 30% raised their hands
then he asked how many couples have s**... monthly the remaining audience raised their hands
Finally he asked how many have s**... yearly o**... in the back stood up smiling his hand stood
the therapist asked why are you so happy if you only have s**... one time a year ?
the guy answered because today's the day
I put all my copies of Chiropractors Weekly on eBay
I have loads of back issues.
In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle
Alien vs. Predator.
A man is looking for a parking space...
And, starting to get desperate, he prays to God. "Oh lord, deliver unto me a parking space, and I swear devoutly to give up all my sinful vices, and go to church weekly."
The clouds part and a ray of sun shines down on the only empty parking space. Overjoyed, the man continues.
"Nevermind, found one."
A man wins a neighborhood door prize.
it's a toilet brush, and a week later, some of the guys invited him him to their weekly poker game. While there, one of them asks, "Hey Ollie, how's that toilet brush, the one you won from us neighbors?" Ollie responds, "Well, it works real good, but I prefer toilet paper."
Weekly cult meetings
A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming.
Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks cult meeting, so they don't know the reason no one else is here. Trying to decide what to do they think for a bit on what they missed and why they are the only ones in attendance today. Then it dawns on them....
"Oh no I think we missed the punchline."
The REAL 3 Stages of Married s**...
Tri-weekly.
Try weekly.
Try weakly.
LPT: If You're unhappy with your life, remember it's a question of perspective, my friend has s**... 2-3 times a day, exercises daily, reads two books weekly, but he's still complaining about his life
...in prison
