weekend Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious weekend puns

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

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I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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Truth or Dare


My daughter invited some friends round at the weekend. After a few drinks, they got a game of Truth or Dare going. I listened from the other room, being the nosey little fucker I am.

The bottle landed on my daughter and she said, "Truth."

"Ok," asked her friend. "When did you last have an orgasm?"

She said, "Three days ago."

Then I burst in the room and said, "I knew you were faking it last night!"

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Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.

Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.

Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.

Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.

Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

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Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…

Except he came back…

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…

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A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

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"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still drive my 2002 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

*I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips*

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One day, a teacher decided she wanted to have her first graders use "grown-up" words.

Teacher: "Ok class, what did you do this weekend?"

Lisa: "I saw a choo-choo!"

Teacher: "No Lisa, you saw a train. Remember, we're using grown-up words! What about you, Johnny?

Johnny: "I read a book!"

Teacher: "Really? What book did you read?"

Johnny: "Winnie the shit!"

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A husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend...

...There was a guy on
the dance floor living it large – break dancing,
Moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

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Last weekend, I tried throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants...

But nobody came

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I think weekends are made in China

They don't last very long, and they take forever to arrive.

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There's an incest competition in my town this weekend.

I'm going to enter my sister.

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This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, Will you be putting that up yourself?

I replied, No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room.

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Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...

...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

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A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"

Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."


Credit goes to my mother for this one.

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Flowers Again

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

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I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

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I played doctor with my girlfriend

She stayed over for the weekend and I sent her a bill for $200,000

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Last weekend I organised a threesome...

We were a couple people short but everyone still had a good time.

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My girlfriend and I tried playing doctor...

She stayed over the weekend and I sent her a bill for $180,000.

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Little Johnny was in class one afternoon

And the teacher asked him to come to the front and tell the class what he had done that weekend, hoping that it would be a nice clean story (ok...)

"Well miss, me and my mate grabbed a frog from the stream and shoved a firecracker up his arse th-"

Feeling a bit flustered and trying to inject bit of proffesionalism into the situation she inturupts him and stammers "R-rectum Johnny!"

"Wrecked 'im miss? We blew his fucking balls off!"

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Chinese 69

As told to me by the father of the groom at a wedding last weekend; he apparently offended the parents of the bride with the same joke the night before. He was getting my opinion as to whether it was really all that offensive.

> A Chinese guy is having trouble falling asleep. Finally at 2am he shakes his wife and asks her for a 69. She replies, "Who eats beef with broccoli at this hour?"

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A man and his coworker are at the water cooler...

A man and his coworker are at the water cooler talking during their break when the man asks,

"If you woke up with grass stains on your knees and a condom stuck in your ass, would you tell anyone?"

The coworker, disgusted, replies "No!"

"Wanna go camping this weekend?"

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My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

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Un Deux Trois

A French cat called Un Deux Trois attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex Trois Cat Sank"

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I'd been looking for an opportunity to impress my new boss, so I jumped at the chance when he asked if I'd had a good weekend.

"It was very productive," I said. "I taught our Bobby how to ride a bike."

"That's great," he smiled. "How old is he?"

"Ten years old," I replied.

"Oh, well that's not actually impressive at all," he sneered, walking off.

Fucker. They must have smarter dogs where he comes from.

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A Welshman died at the weekend...

Friends say he died the way he would have wanted; comfortably in his sheep

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When I was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend

And it was so cold in that cemetery!

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We had a big storm on the weekend, we had a blackout and you couldn't go outside. After a while the batteries on my laptop and phone had run out so I read the newspaper and finished my latest book. After that there was nothing to do so I sat down and talked to my wife for an hour or so.

She seems quite nice.

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Family dinner

A man shoots a few bunnies and he decides to cook them for the family dinner that weekend. However, the kids really like cute little bunnies, so he can't say what they're eating.

During dinner, his son asks:

"Dad, what meat is this?"

The man smiles at his wife and answers:

"Take a guess! Your mum calls me that sometimes..."

At these words, his daughter spits out the food and screams at her brother:

"Don't eat it, it's a dick!"

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Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

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A man goes to his doctor's office on a Friday and asks for him to triple his Viagra prescription.

The doctor asks why, and the man explains that his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and an old flame will all be in town that weekend. The doctor says that it's against his better judgment, but reluctantly triples the prescription.
On Monday the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor jokingly asks if all three women met each other and the man replies: "None of them showed up."

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If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

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I arranged a threesome on the weekend.

Had two no shows, but I still had fun

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I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend

They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.

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What are the most funny Weekend jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Weekend? Well, here are the best Weekend dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Weekend pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes