Weekend Jokes
152 weekend jokes and hilarious weekend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about weekend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a laugh to make it through the week? Check out this roundup of hilarious weekend jokes sure to make you smile. Get ready to laugh all the way through the weekend with these jokes suitable for any day of the week or month. Whether you need some humor for work today, or a joke to make your Saturday a little brighter, we have you covered!
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Funniest Weekend Short Jokes
Short weekend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The weekend humour may include short week end jokes also.
- I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
- Jesus died for your sins. But did He stay dead?
At most, He lost a weekend for your sins. - I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
- Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year? summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!
- Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days? Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.
- I think weekends are made in China They don't last very long, and they take forever to arrive.
- Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules... ...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.
- I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding, terrible reception.
- I played doctor with my girlfriend She stayed over for the weekend and I sent her a bill for $200,000
- I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?
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Weekend One Liners
Which weekend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with weekend? I can suggest the ones about saturday sunday and week start.
- Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays? Me: It's my weekend immune system.
- I never go to sleep on weekends. Sleep is for the week.
- Why do most employees get sick on work days? Because of their weekend immune system.
- Bought a cheap horse over the weekend. Problem is she sleeps all day. What a nightmare.
- Apple's new iphone sold over 13M units this past weekend I guess you can say it was a 6S
- I went on a pretty crazy camping trip last weekend. It was in tents.
- I've stopped having naps on a Sunday afternoon. Naps are for the weak. Not the weekend.
- For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend Happy Mother's Day!
- What does a suicidal teenager do on the weekends? Hang at home.
- Today is Sigmund Freud's birthday Which reminds me, Mother's Day is this weekend.
- I met my girlfriend's parents last weekend. Me: I'm a big fan of your work.
- How will Texans be celebrating earth day this weekend? They will be planting a Bush.
- Had an amazing time Bobsleighing last weekend. I slayed 28 Bobs!!
- On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you this weekend?
- I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.
Parents Weekend Jokes
Here is a list of funny parents weekend jokes and even better parents weekend puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend And it was so cold in that cemetery!
- Christian kids be like: Hey, my parents are not home for the weekend.. ..so you can't come over.
- My parents taught me how to skydive - they took me up every weekend in their plane for practice The hard part was getting out of the bin bag on the way down
- " Do you want to come over? My parents wont be here for the weekend" marked the beginning of the best 2days of my life! PlayStation for 2 whole days ,are you kidding me?
Opening Weekend Jokes
Here is a list of funny opening weekend jokes and even better opening weekend puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I can't wait for this weekend's big Sci-Fi Rom-Com movie opening... Star Wars: When Hairy Met Solo
Charming Humor Weekend Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about weekend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean saturday evening jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make weekend pranks.
A Welshman died at the weekend...
Friends say he died the way he would have wanted; comfortably in his sheep
I was so drunk last weekend, that I took a cab home...
Which was weird, because I've never driven one.
Taking the kids out
A husband and wife were discussing what to do with their two kids on the weekend. "They want to go to the zoo and the amusement park" said the wife.
"That's too expensive" said the husband. "It'll have to be one or the other."
"Well, which do you think?"
"Probably Mikey."
Not sure my son understands Football
I took my six year old son to his first football game over the weekend. On our way out I asked him what he thought of the game.
"It was exciting," my son said. "But I don't understand why they fighting so much over twenty-five cents."
"What do you mean?" I asked my son a little confused myself.
"Well," he started to say, "everyone kept yelling 'get the quarter back!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Maybe not a joke as much as a cute misunderstanding but...
I cracked open a r**... kit last weekend. I had never seen one before.
Anyway, I obviously have been operating under a huge misconception. I laughed so hard, she got away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Un Deux t**...
A French cat called Un Deux t**... attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex t**... Cat Sank"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for the day.
Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys were drinking and having a conversation in a bar
During the conversation o**... says to the other
"I blew a t**... over the weekend. It leaked everywhere and it cost me a small fortune".
Upon hearing this, his friend says. "When did they say you can pick up your car?".
Confused, the first guy said "Car? What car?"
Paybacktime
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend
So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . .
They gave me their baby.
I'm starting to have second thoughts about the hotel room I booked at the Indian Casino this weekend.
simply put, I'm having reservations about my reservation on the reservation.
I lost my college football scholarship in the very first game this weekend, for pulling a groin.
Not mine, someone else's.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We had a big storm on the weekend, we had a b**... and you couldn't go outside. After a while the batteries on my laptop and phone had run out so I read the newspaper and finished my latest book. After that there was nothing to do so I sat down and talked to my wife for an hour or so.
She seems quite nice.
Bad pun alert.
I've been watching behind the scenes reels of movies for quite a few years so the magic of movies is somewhat lost on me. I'll know how that car flip was achieved, how they choreographed fight scenes etc.
Still, watching Gravity this weekend I couldn't help but think, "how on Earth did they do that?"
Gone Fishing.
This guy came home from work and said to his wife, "I need a vacation. I'm too stressed out. I think I'll go fishing for the weekend."
"Okay," she says. "I'll pack for you."
So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, "Wow, I feel a lot better now!"
"How did I pack?" the wife asks.
"You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas," he replies.
"No I didn't," she says. "I didn't have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box."
I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend
They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.
I saw my ex-girlfriend get jumped at a club by two guys this weekend, so I had to jump in
I knew she couldn't take all three of us
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blond and a brunette are sitting on a porch...
The brunette looks out and sees her husband approaching with flowers. The brunette says: "Oh look, flowers, looks like I'll be having my legs spread open all weekend long..." The blonde replies: "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe f**......
But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lucky I didn't get caught...
I was nailing this chick in the park the other weekend. And I was so lucky not to get caught.
Supposedly crucifixions are i**... these days
I went to the pharmacy this morning and asked for 50 condoms.
The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them!"
"I know," I said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."
Amsterdam is like a tour de France
- it's full of people on bikes and drugs.
--
Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher is asking children how their weekend went...
And young Johnny said, "It was great, Miss! Me and my Dad went to the outback! We stuck big sticks of dynamite up cane toads' arses!"
The teacher replies, "Johnny! The correct term is r**...'."
"That's right, Miss! Wrecked 'em! Blew 'em to bits!"
If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...
And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.
Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.
Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.
Man: Hi, I'd like to book a t**... for the weekend.
Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.
Man: Are you sure? I really need the t**....
Yoda: There is no tri, only du.
My protractor wanted to know what my plans were for this weekend
Not sure what his angle is
My identical twin brother and I were both arrested this weekend.
But there was a mix-up during processing. Now we are finishing each other's sentences.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...
We're the s**... Squad!
A man asks his wife on a Friday evening...
Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend?
Wife: Sure, why not?
Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This happened over the weekend
I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly s**... again.
I spent this past weekend baby-proofing my house...
I'm not having a baby, but I hung up a bunch of anime posters to make sure that I never do.
Black eye
Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye?
Sam: "My wife"
Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend."
Sam: "So did I."
I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies....
He asked, "What do you do in your free time".
To which I responded, "I stalk people".
"Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends".
"I know"
Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked.
This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to my school reunion last weekend and the main topic of conversation was still about the stunning substitute teacher…
…we had one day, in the early eighties, who gave a boy a b**... in front of the entire class.
She went down in history.
Thor: Brother! What are you doing this weekend?
Loki: nothing, just hanging out
Thor: oh sweet! that sounds...
Loki: no
Thor: low key
What's a dentist's favorite time of the day?
Five o'clock, because he hates his job and lives for the weekend.
"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.
"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandpa's Birthday
So my grandfather turned 90 last weekend, and my uncle, the class act that he is, thought it'd be a good idea to get a stripper one night, after we had the guys golf trip.
So she shows up, it's a bit awkward at first, but she's affable and it makes it a slightly better situation.
Eventually she goes up to the birthday boy and asks him "Do you want a super l**...?"
Grandpa thought long and hard and finally spoke up, "I guess I'll have the soup!"
My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.
Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.
A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
I went house hunting over the weekend...
I went to see a house that had mirrors all over the walls and I could definitely see myself living there.
The Jones and the Smiths decided to try swinging…
… so they left for the week-end to a mountain resort where they rented two cabins, and they swapped partners for the night.
The next morning, Joe Smith woke up, and said let's go see how the ladies are doing …
I took my son to the space museum last weekend.
They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last weekend I organised a t**......
We were a couple people short but everyone still had a good time.
My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.
It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....
...or, Grandad.
This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,
Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?
My buddy said, "It's me and my wife's tenth wedding anniversary next weekend, so I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."
I replied, "Sounds good to me! What're you going to tell your wife though!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.
"Any chance of a b**...?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.
"For f**...'s sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"
"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a b**...?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last weekend, I tried throwing an o**... for people on antidepressants...
But nobody came
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a swingers club on the weekend
I got through the front door and the lady on the desk said it's £10 to get in, or you can pay £15 and you get a meal . So I paid the £15 and went in. It seemed to be going alright - then this n**... oily guy walked up to me and said hello, I'm Amil .
I asked an attractive geologist if she wanted to go on a date this weekend but she told me that she doesn't date...
she quartz.
I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...
...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...
A boy at school
A boy was at school and his teacher asked him to learn 3 new words over the weekend. His father is a pilot and taught him the word "takeoff." His mother is a zoo keeper and taught him the word "zebra." His big sister was going to have a baby and taught him the word "baby." He went to school the next day and his teacher asked, ''What are your three words?'' The boy said, ''Takeoff zebra baby.''
My dad came to visit for the weekend. Today he awoke and found a parking ticket on his car.
He said, "Looks like today is turning out to be a fine day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Chamberlain and h**...?
Chamberlain takes weekends in the country while h**... takes countries in the weekend.
I think my boss might actually be Thanos in disguise
Today, he snapped his fingers and half my weekend disappeared.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My parents divorced when I was 9, and every other weekend my Dad would pick me up and take me to h**.......practically raised me there.
...so many good mammaries.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend ...
is which boss is telling me to do things.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A student tells his teacher he is s**... exhausted from the weekend and therefore cannot do his schoolwork, the teacher says
then use your other hand
At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.
Coincidently, that's how the Catholic Church ranks it's priorities.
Nancy Pelosi was asked by reporters if she's going to attend the 49ers game against the Minnesota Vikings.
Nancy Pelosi: I have, unfortunately, responsibilities to save our country from peril this weekend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My stepdad told me it was pointless to apply to med-school because I was too s**... to be a doctor
8 years later and one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.
The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.
Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Golden Toilet
Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens and Felix asks,"Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that s**... in your t**... is here!"
Valentines special! $500.00
We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.
