The Best 81 Weekend Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Weekend jokes. There are some weekend resort jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these weekend night puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Weekend Jokes and Puns

A Welshman died at the weekend...

Friends say he died the way he would have wanted; comfortably in his sheep

A man and his boss are playing golf...

one weekend when a funeral procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Taking the kids out

A husband and wife were discussing what to do with their two kids on the weekend. "They want to go to the zoo and the amusement park" said the wife.

"That's too expensive" said the husband. "It'll have to be one or the other."

"Well, which do you think?"

"Probably Mikey."

Weekend joke, Taking the kids out

Maybe not a joke as much as a cute misunderstanding but...

I cracked open a rape kit last weekend. I had never seen one before.

Anyway, I obviously have been operating under a huge misconception. I laughed so hard, she got away.

Un Deux Trois

A French cat called Un Deux Trois attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex Trois Cat Sank"


Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for the day.

Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

Two guys were drinking and having a conversation in a bar

During the conversation one guy says to the other

"I blew a tranny over the weekend. It leaked everywhere and it cost me a small fortune".

Upon hearing this, his friend says. "When did they say you can pick up your car?".

Confused, the first guy said "Car? What car?"

Weekend joke, Two guys were drinking and having a conversation in a bar

Paybacktime


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.

They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.

The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.

The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem. It asked:

"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"

"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."

Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:

"(For 95 points): Which tire?"

I'm starting to have second thoughts about the hotel room I booked at the Indian Casino this weekend.

simply put, I'm having reservations about my reservation on the reservation.

We had a big storm on the weekend, we had a blackout and you couldn't go outside. After a while the batteries on my laptop and phone had run out so I read the newspaper and finished my latest book. After that there was nothing to do so I sat down and talked to my wife for an hour or so.

She seems quite nice.

You can explore weekend saturday reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean weekend yesterday dad jokes. There are also weekend puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Gone Fishing.

This guy came home from work and said to his wife, "I need a vacation. I'm too stressed out. I think I'll go fishing for the weekend."

"Okay," she says. "I'll pack for you."

So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, "Wow, I feel a lot better now!"

"How did I pack?" the wife asks.

"You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas," he replies.

"No I didn't," she says. "I didn't have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box."

I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend

They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.

Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...

...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

Today is Sigmund Freud's birthday

Which reminds me, Mother's Day is this weekend.

Lucky I didn't get caught...

I was nailing this chick in the park the other weekend. And I was so lucky not to get caught.

Supposedly crucifixions are illegal these days

Weekend joke, Lucky I didn't get caught...

I bought some shoes from my pill dealer on Friday.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all weekend.

Apple's new iphone sold over 13M units this past weekend

I guess you can say it was a 6S

I went to see a Topless Ventriloquist last weekend.

She was awesome. I didn't see her lips move once.


A teacher is asking children how their weekend went...

And young Johnny said, "It was great, Miss! Me and my Dad went to the outback! We stuck big sticks of dynamite up cane toads' arses!"

The teacher replies, "Johnny! The correct term is 'rectum'."

"That's right, Miss! Wrecked 'em! Blew 'em to bits!"

There's a nudist convention in my town next weekend

I might go if I've got nothing on

If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.

Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.

Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.

Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.

Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

My protractor wanted to know what my plans were for this weekend

Not sure what his angle is

I organized a threesome this past weekend.

There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time.

My identical twin brother and I were both arrested this weekend.

But there was a mix-up during processing. Now we are finishing each other's sentences.

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

A man asks his wife on a Friday evening...

Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend?

Wife: Sure, why not?

Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!

This happened over the weekend

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

I spent this past weekend baby-proofing my house...

I'm not having a baby, but I hung up a bunch of anime posters to make sure that I never do.

I went on a pretty crazy camping trip last weekend.

It was in tents.

Black eye

Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye?

Sam: "My wife"

Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend."

Sam: "So did I."

I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies....

He asked, "What do you do in your free time".

To which I responded, "I stalk people".

"Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends".

"I know"

When I was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend

And it was so cold in that cemetery!

Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked.

This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.

Bought a cheap horse over the weekend. Problem is she sleeps all day.

What a nightmare.

Thor: Brother! What are you doing this weekend?

Loki: nothing, just hanging out

Thor: oh sweet! that sounds...

Loki: no

Thor: low key

I think weekends are made in China

They don't last very long, and they take forever to arrive.

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…

Except he came back…

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…

What's a dentist's favorite time of the day?

Five o'clock, because he hates his job and lives for the weekend.

"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.

"Sure", she responds

"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

There's an incest competition in my town this weekend.

I'm going to enter my sister.

I played doctor with my girlfriend

She stayed over for the weekend and I sent her a bill for $200,000

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"

Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."

Credit goes to my mother for this one.

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

I took my son to the space museum last weekend.

They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"

"That would suit me just fine!!!"

Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..

Last weekend I organised a threesome...

We were a couple people short but everyone still had a good time.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

My buddy said, "It's me and my wife's tenth wedding anniversary next weekend, so I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."

I replied, "Sounds good to me! What're you going to tell your wife though!?"

Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

Last weekend, I tried throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants...

But nobody came

A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

I arranged a threesome on the weekend.

Had two no shows, but I still had fun

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that's how the Catholic Church ranks it's priorities.

I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.

It was so emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers.

I went to a very emotional wedding last weekend.

Even the cake was in tiers.

[OC] My kids seem to magically only get sick on school days...and quite a lot of them.

It's like they've got weekend immune systems.

My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday

I have a weekend immune system

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Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.

Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.

Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.

Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.

Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

I just discovered I can't get sick on Saturdays or Sundays

Turns out I have a weekend immune system.

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

Feminist have invented a new form of birth control that kills any sperm with a Y chromosome.

It's called sonblock.

First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's not nice, but no need to get all misty.

Well, she was still wearing them.

Oh, that's even worse.

Yeah, it ruined her whole funeral.

Sorry, no native english speaker, but i guess you get the point.

I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts!

That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

My boss said "I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays."

I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."

At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..

..to find exactly 32 of them.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

I didn't make an en-zyme this weekend.

I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend.

All was going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked...

Specially the wife .

The only thing that travels faster than light is...

....
...
..
.
Your weekend.

Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays?

Me: It's my weekend immune system.

I've stopped having naps on a Sunday afternoon. Naps are for the weak.

Not the weekend.

Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

Did you hear about the convention...

Did you hear about the spanking fetish convention here last weekend?

Apparently a big hit and everyone came.

Two blondes Cindy and Stacy run into each other on monday...

Cindy : Hi Stacy! Did you have a good weekend? I went out to the club on saturday!

Stacy: OMG! I was there too! I danced with two Brazilian guys who were at the club!

Cindy: Oh wow! How many is a Brazillion?

I was at a party last weekend

The DJ played the Macarena, so I did the Macarena

Next, he played the Hustle, so I did the Hustle

Finally, he played "Come on, Eileen". I got kicked out for that one.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the weekend week jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working weekend holiday piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes