The Best 83 Weed Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Weed jokes. There are some weed thc jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these weed weed smoking puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Weed Jokes and Puns

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

Weed joke, Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Redneck Logic Joke

Two rednecks, Hunter and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the Cooter asked.

The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.

"That's real good!" said Cooter.

The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, Cooter said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

Cooter was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

Cooter, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied Cooter.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked Cooter.

"No," Hunter replied.

"Then you're gay."


After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.

As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."

What do you call a dictionary that smokes weed?

High definition

Weed joke, What do you call a dictionary that smokes weed?

A cop pulls over a car. He walks up, and smells a heavy weed smell. The man turns to him, and his eye are redder than a Coca-Cola can. The cop looks at him and says, "How high are you?!?!?!?"

The driver responds, "He, he. No officer, it's 'Hi, How are you?'"

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

You can explore weed blunt reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean weed high dad jokes. There are also weed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why don't cows smoke weed?

The steaks would just be too high.

How can you tell if a 14 year old smokes weed?

Just wait. They'll tell you.

Two midgets are sitting around, bored...

When one of them pulls out some weed and asks:

"Wanna get medium?"

What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country?

Simple, you get stoned twice

Where do stoner cars store their weed?

In potholes.

Weed joke, Where do stoner cars store their weed?

I only date girls that smoke weed

I guess you can say I have high standards

I've never actually been caught smoking weed.

But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.


What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

If weed becomes legalized after Snoop Dog dies

He'll be rolling in his grave

An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer

The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

When midgets smoke weed...

...do they get high, or do they just get medium?

My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying weed.

It'll be our joint account.

My friends and I were betting

My friends and I were betting, how much weed would it take to get a cow stoned.

Needless to say, the steaks were high

(Never heard this joke before, I hope it is original)

I just finished watching a documentary on weed

I think more documentaries should be watched this way

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

So today is 4/20

4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

The Quran is like weed

Burn it and you get stoned.

Well, "He who smelt it, dealt it"...

So technically the weed is yours, Officer.

What does the Quran have in common with weed?

Burn it and you get stoned

I smoked weed with a couple of cows near a police station.

The steaks were really high.

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakoboο»Ώ

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls...

I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

I call my weed the Qur'an

when I burn it, I get stoned.

My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

I saw some cows having a weed smoking competition the other day.

It was very high steaks.

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

Mom, how did I come to this world?

A kid asked his mother:

\- Mom, how did I come to this world?

\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.

\- From that seed - she continued - we grew marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine...

I like my women like a like my weed

Well trimmed and ready for the pipe

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

Im never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked who's got papers and they all ran away.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

I got a new iPhone, some weed and $2000 just today.

It's like this gun is magic

How do French people spell weed?

Oui'd

The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her

I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

My wife and I caught our teenage son with weed so we decided to play good cop bad cop

I shot him in the back while she just looked the other way

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

Cowboys don't roll joints

They tumble weed

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They're explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?

Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!

The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?

A water lily.

A janitor at my work offered me to come over and smoke weed with her..

I said no, sorry I can't stand high maintenance women.

Why did the hoody smell like weed?

It was high fashion.

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

A janitor at my work asked me to come over and smoke weed with her!!

I told her No. I can't stand high maintenance women.

A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some weed.

After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.

When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monkey. Still high, the monkey looks down and almost falls in shock: "Yo Man, How much water did you drink?"

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

A couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker

The steaks were high.

It's risky to cook barbeque and smoke weed

Because the steaks are high.

If weed is the devils lettuce, then...

Hash Oil is the devils salad dressing

I can't afford a nice t.v.

So, I just smoke a load of weed and read the dictionary.

HIGH DEFINITION.

I tried smoking weed with my immigrant friends but they all ran away

I only asked "any papers?"

My friend asked me why I smoke weed now instead of cigarettes. I replied,

''I turned over a new leaf.''

A bunch of cows were smoking weed & playing poker.

Man, we're those steaks high in that game!

I watched a documentary on weed last night

I think that's how I'll watch all documentaries from now on.

I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.

So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the weed colorado weed jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working weed smoking weed piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes