Weed Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

The Quran is like weed

Burn it and you get stoned.

An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls...

I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

Two midgets are sitting around, bored...

When one of them pulls out some weed and asks:

"Wanna get medium?"

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

When midgets smoke weed...

...do they get high, or do they just get medium?

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

What does the Quran have in common with weed?

Burn it and you get stoned

So today is 4/20

4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

If weed becomes legalized after Snoop Dog dies

He'll be rolling in his grave

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country?

Simple, you get stoned twice

Mom, how did I come to this world?

A kid asked his mother:

\- Mom, how did I come to this world?

\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.

\- From that seed - she continued - we grew marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine...

My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying weed.

It'll be our joint account.

I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.

As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

Im never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked who's got papers and they all ran away.

My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

Why don't cows smoke weed?

The steaks would just be too high.

I've never actually been caught smoking weed.

But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.

Where do stoner cars store their weed?

In potholes.

What do you call a dictionary that smokes weed?

High definition

Redneck Logic Joke

Two rednecks, Hunter and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the Cooter asked.

The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.

"That's real good!" said Cooter.

The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, Cooter said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

Cooter was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

Cooter, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied Cooter.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked Cooter.

"No," Hunter replied.

"Then you're gay."

I call my weed the Qur'an

when I burn it, I get stoned.

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

How can you tell if a 14 year old smokes weed?

Just wait. They'll tell you.

What do you call a lizard that smokes weed?

A mariguana.

Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

My friends and I were betting

My friends and I were betting, how much weed would it take to get a cow stoned.

Needless to say, the steaks were high

(Never heard this joke before, I hope it is original)

I just finished watching a documentary on weed

I think more documentaries should be watched this way

Jesus visits earth again for the first time in almost 2000 years...

When he descends from heaven the first thing he finds is two people smoking weed in an alley.

He walks up to them and asks: "Hey, what are you guys doing here?"

One of the two guys replies: "We're smoking a joint, you've never heard of it? Do you wanna have a go and try?"

Curious about what this "joint" thing is, Jesus accepts and smokes a bit.

After he's done he says: "Guys, I'm the real Jesus by the way."

The two guys look at him, nod in acknowledgement and say: "THAT'S the spirit, bro!"

How do French people spell weed?

Oui'd

I like my women like a like my weed

Well trimmed and ready for the pipe

I only date girls that smoke weed

I guess you can say I have high standards

So god asked 3 guys...

Three men die and end up meeting god.

God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.

"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."

God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the third man..."I want all the weed in the world!" His wish is granted.

1000 years go by.

The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.

The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.

The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.

"Can I have a light."

Well, "He who smelt it, dealt it"...

So technically the weed is yours, Officer.

I smoked weed with a couple of cows near a police station.

The steaks were really high.

The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

A cop pulls over a car. He walks up, and smells a heavy weed smell. The man turns to him, and his eye are redder than a Coca-Cola can. The cop looks at him and says, "How high are you?!?!?!?"

The driver responds, "He, he. No officer, it's 'Hi, How are you?'"

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

"Sir, your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I shot back. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I saw some cows having a weed smoking competition the other day.

It was very high steaks.

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

I got a new iPhone, some weed and $2000 just today.

It's like this gun is magic

A musician died while smoking weed from a dollar bill...

At least he went out on a high note

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

All the Geology majors at my university smoke a lot weed.

I guess you could say that they're all a bunch of stoners.

For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more weed.

But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.

What Do You Call It When Someone Has a Bad Experience With Weed?

Blunt trauma.

Why Shouldn't Cows Smoke Weed?

Because the steaks would be too high.

What do you call a pioneer smoking weed?

A trail blazer.

Why do people buy weed from Medusa?

To get stoned.

What do you call a computer smoking weed ?

High tech.

So a crow is in the woods...

Perched on top of a tree and is relaxing smoking weed. A lizard nearby smells it an looks up and sees this crow way up on the top of this tree. So the lizard asks "hey! Wanna share?"
"Sure I don't mind, come on up"replies the crow.
"Great but let me go get some water first, one sec." Said the lizard.
So the lizard goes over to the lake nearby and sees this alligator and tells him what he was about to go do and where this crow was at in case he wanted to join. Anticipating getting the munchies, the alligator eats the lizard and goes over to the crow is at and yells up "hey!"
The crow looks down and says "Jesus Christ!!! How much water did you drink!!!!!

What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed?

You would be stoned to death.

What happens when you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia?

You get stoned.

My friend was caught with a kilo of weed in Saudi Arabia.

He was stoned.

What do you call a spud that smokes weed?

A baked potato

What are the funniest weed jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Weed? Well, here are the best Weed puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Weed pick up lines to share with friends.

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