Wee Jokes
81 wee jokes and hilarious wee puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wee that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Unleash your inner child and laugh out loud with some of the best 'wee jokes' around! From Pee Wee and Poop, to Wee Johnny and Wee Jimmy, these tiny bitty wittle jokes are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Wee Short Jokes
Short wee jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wee humour may include short yer jokes also.
- I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
- I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle. It was so loud I nearly fell in.
- A Scotsman phoned his boss: Scotsman: Sorry boss I have a wee cough so I will not be in today.
Boss: You have a wee cough?
Scotsman: says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off.... - Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest? Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.
- What do Rubik's cubes and your wee wee have in common? Well for most people the more you play with them the harder they get... for me, I play with them for a few seconds and then it's finished.
- You really can't blame Pee Wee Herman for what he did... I mean, it's not like he could just do it at home with all of his furniture watching him..
- Speaking of scotsmen, I asked one if anything is worn under the kilt... He said "Nay ya wee bairn, everything's in fine an' workin' order!"
- What is the similarity between a small gangster and a board used to talk to the dead? They are both wee g's
- My mom won't let me use the computer Every time she catches me on it she slams my face against the keyboard!!!
It's okay though she's not home rig.. '(3rdsktrsfye:20rfees,.wee$tberg, - I'm getting sick of spending time with my Scottish family and their Scottish cows... Wee kin, wee cow
Share These Wee Jokes With Friends
Wee One Liners
Which wee one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wee? I can suggest the ones about pee wee and pee.
- What do you call a Scottish dwarf clairvoyant on the run from prison? A wee free seer
- How to you contact tiny gangsters from beyond the grave? Wee G Board
- I have three knees, my left Knee, my right knee... And my WEE-KNEE!!!!! Classic
- What's Pee-wee Herman's favorite entree? Stroganoff.
- What fruit can open a locked toilet? Key Wee
- Why did the cow go on holiday? Because she had a wee calf.
- Why did the Scotsman visit the Urologist? Because he had a wee problem.
- what are pee wee herman's favorite baseball teams? yanks and the expos
- I told my doctor i had a wee cough He said: that's nice, have you anything planned?
- What do you call a firetruck obsessed with Anime? A wee-woo-aboo
- What do you call a police officer that watches anime? A wee-woo-a-boo
- What does the British monarch do on the throne? The Royal Wee.
- What do you call a Turkish man who needs the toilet? Mustafa Wee.
- I'm thinking of opening a Pee-wee Herman themed juice bar. It'll be called Jambi Juice.
- Why did the DJ have such small hands? Wee paws for station identification.
Pee Wee Jokes
Here is a list of funny pee wee jokes and even better pee wee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- All this fuss over a film being stored on DNA But when Pee Wee Herman tried to do the opposite, everybody lost their minds?
- What does Pee Wee Herman and John Wilks Booth have in common? They both got in big trouble for shooting someone in the back of the head in a theater.
- The actor who played Pee Wee Herman, Paul Reubens, has decided to start his own dry cleaning service. It's called Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Wee Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about wee you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wee pranks.
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar
.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Irish pubs are the best
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
In and Out
(Part joke and part tongue-twister - lots of fun to tell out loud.)
Once upon a time, a mama skunk had twin baby skunks, who she named In and Out.
One day when they were just wee skunks, In and Out went out to play. At lunchtime, Mama Skunk poked her head out and called out, "In and Out, it's time to come in!"
After a few minutes, Out comes in. Mama looks at him and says, "Out, where is In? I just told you both to come in!"
Out says, "In is still out." So Mama tells him "Well Out, you go right back out, find In, and bring him in!" So Out goes out, and within just a minute he comes back in with In.
Mama Skunk is amazed. She says, "Out, how on earth did you find In so quickly?"
Out shrugs and says, "Instinks."
Trying to catch the bus
A man is trying to catch the bus, hes running and everytime he almost makes it he stumbles and falls, the crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off, a lady opens a window and tells the man :" Please stop it, we will wee our pants" to which the man replies :" thats nothing soon you will sht your pants, because im the bus driver"
How do you get into Heaven?
When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" Tim answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, Tim answered, "NO!"
The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.
Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do f**... mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"
A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten
A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten. The girls gets into the car and says - "Mom, Timmy's wee wee is like a peanut!". The mother laughs and asks "why is it small?". "No" the girls answers, "it's salty"
Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.
That he did" Kelly said, A shovel it was.
Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Aye, that I did….Mrs. Riley's right breast" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...
... and each order a beer. As the beers are set down on the table three flies fly into the bar and land in the beer, one in each glass. The Englishman pushes his beer away and orders another. The Irishman blows the foam off the top of his beer along with the fly and drinks the beer. The Scotsman picks up the fly by the wings and says "Alrright ya wee bastarrd, spit it out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.
p**... and m**..., have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.
The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and m**... takes his gun and shoots a man.
"What are you doing m**..." said p**..., "It's only a quarter to eight!"
"That was wee Jimmy, I know where he lives, he would never have made it home in time."
Three men are walking in the desert.
Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.
They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.
Wizard: This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drink.
The first guy slides down and says "Water!" and the pool is full of water.
The second guy slides down and says "Apple Juice!" and the pool is full of apple juice.
The third guy slides down and says "Wee!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nicola Sturgeon is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital when one of the patients sits up in bed and exclaims:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"
Before Nicola can respond, another patient responds: "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
while a third one chimes in with "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some w**... eat that want it!"
She turns a puzzled face upon her doctor e**... and says "Is this the psychiatric ward, then?"
And he replies, "Och, no...
"It's the Burns Unit!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In 1991,
Pee Wee Herman was arrested for m**... in a movie theater. What a lot of people do not realize is that he represented himself in court, believing he could get himself off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it l**...-Con.
Half price admission for the wee folk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish man, a Russian man and an English man all go to a magic park
At the park there is a magic slide and each man who goes down it will recive a p**... of whatever they desire
The Irish man says "gold!" And he lands in a p**... of gold.
The Russian man says "silver! " and he lands in a p**... of silver.
The English man says "Weee! " and he lands in a p**... of wee.
An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar
An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar, its about 5 in the afternoon but they start putting down drinks like no other. The dwarf not wanting to risk it and drive home decides to call his wife for a ride. He tells her "i was just with a doctor, and I'm a wee bit smashed" and she tells him "Really? I just thought you were born that way."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A refrigerant walks into a bar...
The bartender asks, how's it going there partner?
The refrigerant answers, well, not going so well, you see back when I was just a wee lad I always wanted to be so much more. I knew my life was being wasted on the mundane activities of day to day life. Then when I turned 5, I started....
**the bartender interrupts**
buddy I'm sorry can you speed it up? I've got customers to serve…
I'm sorry I can't, bad things happen when I condense
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
English kid: Miss, I need a wee!
His Scottish teacher: A wee what, lad?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Sandy McPherson was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, 'Anything I can get you, Sandy?' No reply. 'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?' Faintly, came the answer ... 'A wee bit of yon boiled ham.' 'Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine that's for the f**....
Is this where Frank lives ?
A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street.It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the houseflung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.
"Is this where Frank lives?" one of the drunks asked.
"Yes, it is," the woman replied.
"Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so therest of us can go home?"
A couple of Scottish lads were out one night and they pass a small sign for a comedy act.
One friend squints to read it and says, "come on, let's check this out"
The other friend turns to him and says, "Aye, don't go in. He's not funny."
"How d'ya know, have you seen him before?" asks the enquisitive friend.
"Probably." he says, pointing at the tiny sign, "Look, he's a wee poster."
What was John Lennon's favorite fruit & place to eat it?
A wee olive in a yellow submarine.
"So, how was your week off ill?", asked the co-worker to his Scottish counterpart.
"Aye, was okay lad, but it was only a wee cough".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*slaps roof of car*
#WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO
My son can speak x different languages ...
Me: What does an Italian say?Son: Mee Mee
Me: What does a Frenchman say?
Son: Wee Wee
Me: What does a
A friend's dog accidentally peed on my girlfriend while we were walking.
"It's all over my shoes!" she yells to me.
"Oh, it's just a wee bit," I reply.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I Went to the doctor..
..."I said, Doctor, I think I'm a pig!"
he asked "How long have you felt like that?"
I replied "About three wee-wee-weeks!"
(Use your best pig impression on the "wee" punchline for max entertainment!)
How do you cure water on the brain?
How do you cure water on the brain?
A wee tap on the head!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a gay French breadstick?
We wee! Faguette!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The past wee, there was a m**... in my village. Two persons died. One in the crime properly,...
...and another one in the crime re-enactment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman confirms that he wants to sample a Japanese cover of Snoop Dogg's "French Inhale"
Oui, one wee weeb w**... song.
Meanwhile in Glasgie
People are panic buying nail polish, shoe polish, and even furniture polish.
There seems to have been a wee misunderstanding about which polish won't be in the UK soon.
My friend in the passenger seat didn't really seem to mind when I crashed my car.
Well, he seemed a wee bit scared at first, but that was only for a few seconds.
Why pay £10 to watch things going bang, whoosh and wee?
Pornhub costs nothing
A man and his son are out for a drive...
After a few miles the son tells his dad "I need to go wee." The father looks around but there are no places open to stop. He tells his son he will need to hold it. A few minutes later the son, now more frantic, says again "I need to go wee!" Looking around there is a gas station a few blocks up. The father agrees to pull over but tells his son he needs to hold it for a few more minutes. The son says he will try. When they finally reach the gas station and get their masks on to go inside the son announces that he cannot hold it any longer. He raises his hands in the air and yells "WEEE!"
Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen...
...the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says," no this is the Burns unit! Happy Rabbie Burns Day
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all in a car, headed to Parliament.
When they arrive, they drive through the front gates and park up outside.
The Englishman says, "*I'm going to speak to the Prime Minister, to see what we can do about getting some national pride back.*"
The Scotsman says, "*Ah'm goin' tae speak wi' the Prime Minister, an' ask if they c'n do somethin' aboot givin' a wee bit more choice tae the Scottish Parliament.*"
The Welshman says, "*I'm going to speak to the Prime Minster, 'n' see if they'll do summat about givin' we Welsh some more recognition in the world.*"
The Irishman says nothing, pulls out his phone, and detonates the car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Irish mom always told jokes about wee p**.... This one was always my fave.
There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee p**... from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. *p**...* he was gone. The Scot made the same wish. *p**...* he was gone. It was p**...'s turn and he thought long and hard about what to wish for. And then it came to him: "Ach, I'm awful lonely...I wish I had me friends back"...
Coming in a theater near you..
...Pea Wee Herman...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a midget in a cement mixer
A wee hard man
