wednesday Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious wednesday puns

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

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I have sex with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

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I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

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Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

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My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

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I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

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My friend Dave drowned yesterday

his funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.

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ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

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A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

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Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

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A man goes to the pharmacists and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills

A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills.

The pharmacist is confused and asks why 3 1/2?

The man responds. "Well, Monday I am going to see my mistress and I need two. I need one for Wednesday with my wife. And on Friday, I am going to the sauna and it just needs to look presentable.

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Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn't have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.

I can certainly try, for my best friend.

Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.

AHHHH! Who are you?

Calm down, calm down. It's me Jack.

Good hell, you scared me half to death.

It's ok, but I've come with good news and bad news.

Well, what's the good news then? pondered Sam.

There is baseball in heaven.

Thank goodness, said Sam, feeling wonderful, but what's the bad news?

You're pitching Tuesday.

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A man walks into a bar on a Wednesday afternoon...

The bar is empty and the bartender is busy in the back washing glasses, so the man calls out, "Hey bartender, could I get a beer please?"

The bartender pours him a beer from the tap and sets a bowl of nuts in front of him, then returns to the back to continue cleaning.

The Man is sitting there drinking his beer and eating the nuts when he hears, "Nice hat!"

He looks about, confused, and then returns to his beer and nuts.

A minute later he hears, "Nice shirt!"

Again he scans the bar, certain of what he heard, but unsure of where it came from.

One minute later he hears, "Nice boots!" And this time he realizes that the sound is coming from the bowl of nuts. He calls the bartender over and asks, "Hey bartender. What kind of nuts are you serving here?"

And the bartender responds, "Oh, those are complimentary nuts."

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An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

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Winston goes to church

Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?"
Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing".
The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes.
"So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar.
"I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".

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Please listen closely...

Attention: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII and Wednesday comes *after* Tuesday.

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Not Going to Like Thursday

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian food? The new guy says, "Yeah I like Italian food." On Tuesday in the cafeteria, it is all Italian food. Do you like baseball? The new guy says, "I love baseball." Every Wednesday we have a pick up game and everyone plays even the guards, it is really fun. The old guy says, "One more question, are you by any chance a homosexual?" The new guy says, "no I'm not." Ah, you're not going to like Thursday.

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When I was in college, I used to have sex almost EVERY DAY...

...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...

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The wife said she wanted to go and see

the Jerry Springer show for her birthday.

So I got her sister pregnant!!

We're on next Wednesday!

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Punny wednesday

The phone rang 'green green' and so I pink up the phone.
"Yellow? Blue is this? Can you speak louder? I can't hear you purplerly, I'll call you black later."

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Prison joke (NSFW)

First day in prison, a new young prisoner looks scared. Old guy looks at him and says "Are you scared? New guys meekly says "yes". Old guy says "it isn't bad. Do you like baseball?" New guy says "Yes". Old guy say "Every Monday, we have a softball game." Old guy asks "You like movies?". New guy says "Yes". Old guy says "Well every Tuesday, is movie night and they play first run movies." Old guy asks, "Do you like singing?". New guy says "yes". Old guy says, "every Wednesday, we have karaoke." Old guy asks, "Are you a homosexual?" New guy says "Nope." Old guy says, "you not going to like Thursdays."

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New inmate at prison.

A new inmate arrives at prison and he is visibly scared and nervous when he is approached by a veteran inmate.

"Hey man, it's not so bad here. Let me ask you something, do you like movies?"

"Yeah, I like movies."

"Great! Every Monday we have a movie night. Let me ask you something else. Do you like baseball?"

"Yes, I like baseball."

"Great! Every Tuesday we go outside and play baseball in the yard. Let me ask you, do you like Italian food?"

"Yes, I do."

"That's fantastic! Every Wednesday we have a pasta night. Now let me ask you one more thing. You aren't by any chance a homosexual, are you?"

"No. No, I am not."

"Ohhh...well you're not going to like Thursdays."

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Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

-Credits to a friend, who has an internet-phobia.

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It's a convict's first day in prison

he's a young convict and here's there crying. An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place. Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.' He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's great.' He goes, 'And you like baseball?' He goes, 'Yeah.' 'Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game.' He goes, 'That's terrific.' And he goes, 'You like Italian food?' And he goes, 'Yeah I love Italian food.' He goes, 'In the cafeteria on Wednesday, it's all Italian food. Let me ask you one more thing. Are you a homosexual?' And he goes, 'No.' He goes, 'Eh, you're not going to like Thursday.'

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Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, I don't have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday. The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, I told you, I don't have any bagels. I won't have any bagels till Thursday. The woman says okay and leaves.

On Wednesday, the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels.
The baker says, Ma'am, how do you spell CAT in catastrophe?
She says C-A-T.
He asks, How do you spell DOG in dogmatic?
She says D-O-G.
He then asks, How do you spell FUCK in bagels?
She says, Sir, there is no fuck in bagels! , and he replies
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.

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The Taxi man.

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

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Taxi Story

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

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And that's why I never argue with my wife.

Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.

Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.

Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.

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Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Ahh, those were the days...

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Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

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I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.

I hear it can make a vas deferens in my sex life.

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I once loved two girls at the same time

I used to live between two girls. Kate, a smart and funny brunette and Edith, a sexy and mischeivous blonde. I hit it off well with both girls and so, thought I could date them both. I would spend Monday, Wednesday and Friday with Kate, and Tuesday, Thursday and Sautrday with Edith. I would alternate Sundays between Kate and Edith.

One Sunday, Kate invited me out bowling. We had a fantastic time, but as I walked Kate home, Edith was standing outside my house, expecting to spend Sunday with me. The two girls immediately understood what was going on and slapped me before walking home.

It was then I learned what they say is true,you can't have your Kate, and Edith too

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A cadet pirate boards his first ship...

The chief pirate welcomed him and was showing him around the vessel "this is your room","this is where laundry is done" etc..etc...

Finally he shows him towards a barrel with a whole on the side of it. "This is where you come whenever youre horny... just put your penis in it and... you know."

The cadet was over the moon and asked the chief pirate "When can i use it?", to which the chief replied "Monday to Wednesday, and Friday to Sunday".

Satisfied with the 6 day week, but curious about the remaining Thursday, the cadet asked "Why not on Thursday?"

Chief replied, "Because Thursday is your turn inside the barrel"

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My mate has two tickets for the England vs Croatia game on Wednesday

He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah

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What are the most funny Wednesday jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Wednesday? Well, here are the best Wednesday dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Wednesday pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes