Wednesday Jokes

118 wednesday jokes and hilarious wednesday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wednesday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Brighten up your work day with Wednesday Jokes--it's the perfect way to liven up your Wednesday morning! Enjoy a collection of funny jokes and puns about Wednesdays, Wednesday Addams, office work and more. Perfect for a laugh at the office or to entertain your kids. Start your Wednesday off right with these hilarious Wednesday jokes!

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Funniest Wednesday Short Jokes

Short wednesday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wednesday humour may include short morn jokes also.

  1. Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar
  2. Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
  3. My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week I told him because it's only Wednesday
  4. My wife reminds me of Ariana Grande. She'll say Don't forget, next Wednesday we're seeing Ariana Grande
  5. ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
  6. Boss: It's the third time this week you're late for for work. Do you know what it means? It's Wednesday already
  7. People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday
  8. Punny wednesday The phone rang 'green green' and so I pink up the phone.
    "Yellow? Blue is this? Can you speak louder? I can't hear you purplerly, I'll call you black later."
  9. Boss: this is your third day coming in late this week. Do you know what that means? Employee: it means today is Wednesday
  10. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. ahh, those were the days...

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Wednesday One Liners

Which wednesday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wednesday? I can suggest the ones about noon and wednesday work.

  1. I love summer in Scotland... This year it was a Wednesday.
  2. On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console? Wednesday.
  3. What's Thanos' favourite holiday? Ash Wednesday
  4. What is the best day to eat Camel meat? Wednesday
  5. What's the worst part about friday afternoons? Realizing it's only wednesday.
  6. Wednesday? After night.
  7. Michigan summers are amazing.... It was on a Wednesday last year.
  8. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
  9. Did you know that today is Sean Connery's favorite holiday? Ash Wednesday
  10. What do you call Wednesdays at the gym for pirates? Peg day
  11. Lately I've been calling all my Wednesdays Bogart....... Because they've been Humphrey!
  12. Me and my girlfriend are getting married next week. Me on Wednesday and she on Saturday.
  13. Why wasn't the coup in Turkey on Wednesday? Erdogan's suit wasn't back from the cleaners.
  14. Q: How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
    A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Wednesday Friday Jokes

Here is a list of funny wednesday friday jokes and even better wednesday friday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did Saturday and Sunday win the body-building competition? Because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are week days.
  • What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
  • I get laid almost every day of the week. Almost got laid on Monday, almost got laid on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, and almost on Sunday.
  • The fattest man in Britain has sadly died. Cremation will be held at 12PM on Wednesday.....
    and Thursday.....
    and Friday.
  • I joined a Karate class and told the Sensei I wanted to learn how to do roundhouse kicks. He asked me how flexible I was and I replied I can't train on Wednesday and Fridays.
  • Remember, always give 100% of your effort at work 12% on Monday
    23% on Tuesday
    40% on Wednesday
    20% on Thursday
    5% on Friday
  • I gave my wife 8 inches last week. 2 inches on Monday, 2 inches on Wednesday, 2 inches on Friday, and 2 inches on Saturday.
  • Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday got into a fight... They wanted to see who was the weekest
  • Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
  • I have s**... almost every day Almost on Sunday
    Almost on Monday
    Almost on Tuesday
    Almost on Wednesday
    Almost on Thursday
    Almost on Friday
    And almost on Saturday

Wednesday Work Jokes

Here is a list of funny wednesday work jokes and even better wednesday work puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My boss asked me "this is the third time you've been late to work this week... do you know what this means?" I said
    "'s Wednesday?"
  • Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!? Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday.
Wednesday joke, Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?

Ash Wednesday Jokes

Here is a list of funny ash wednesday jokes and even better ash wednesday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights. It's going to be completely Excel Lent.
  • My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling... But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.
  • Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes Mostly lentils
  • What did the pastor say to the boy ditching mass on Ash Wednesday? Get your ash back over here!
  • How Do Priests Get High? Snorting the left over ashes from Ash Wednesday...
  • If Pokemon had a national holiday, what would it be called? Ash Wednesday
  • Black people Ash Wednesday doesn't have anything to do with. your dry cracked skin.

Hump Wednesday Jokes

Here is a list of funny hump wednesday jokes and even better hump wednesday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If Wednesday is h**... day... Would that make Tuesday foreplay day?
  • Of course Hugh Hefner died on a Wednesday We call it h**... day for a reason.
  • Happy h**... Day! Unless you're alone like me, in which case it's just a regular Wednesday.
  • Why is International Women's day on a Wednesday? Because it's h**... Day!
  • Why is the d silent in Wednesday? Cause on h**... day your already getting the D.
  • Why was the virgins' wedding during the middle of the week? Because Wednesday is h**... day.
  • Why is Wednesday a camels favourite day? It's h**... day.

Wednesday Office Jokes

Here is a list of funny wednesday office jokes and even better wednesday office puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I called the dentist office to set up an appointment for next Wednesday. The clerk asked, "2:30?"
    I replied, "Yes very much."
Wednesday joke, I called the dentist office to set up an appointment for next Wednesday.

Rib-Tickling Wednesday Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about wednesday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tonight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wednesday pranks.

Taxi Story

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.
When will the madness end?

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

A Pirates life for me...

A first mate says to his captain "sir i have the yearn in me l**..., and we haven't made port in weeks what do i do"
Captain : "I too have this problem , and have a solution!. when ever ye feel the need, place your self in this hole in the barrel, except on Wednesdays never on Wednesdays"
1st.Mate: "that's a great plan sir, but why not Wednesdays is that when we clean it out?"
Captain:"no you slimy dog Wednesdays is your turn in the barrel"

Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.

I hear it can make a vas deferens in my s**... life.

John and Paul wanted to know if there is baseball in heaven

So they made a pact. Whoever died first would tell the other one if there is in fact baseball in heaven. John dies and he tells Paul, "I have good news and bad news". John says "The good news is yes, there is baseball in heaven". So Paul asks "So what is the bad news then" and John's reply is "The bad news is that you are pitching on Wednesday."

When I was in college, I used to have s**... almost EVERY DAY...

...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...

A penitent man decided to give up s**... for Lent...

A penitent man decided to give up s**... for the Lenten season. His wife was not informed of this situation, however. One the second night after Ash Wednesday, she showed some interest in relations. Rebuffing her advances he said, "I'm sorry, honey--I can't. It's Lent."
Angrily, she replied, "To whom and how long?"

And that's why I never argue with my wife.

Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.
Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.
Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.

My friend Dave drowned yesterday

his f**... is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.

A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head

He walks up to barman and says:
'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'
'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'
The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato pie on my head on a Wednesday.'
'Ah!' Says the barman. 'But today is Tuesday!'
'Oh no,' says the bloke. 'I must look like a right t**....'

A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...

Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.

Winston goes to church

Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?"
Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing".
The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes.
"So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar.
"I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..

If you are a 90s kid-you say I love my gaming system! Your friend says Then why don't you marry it? You say Super! I will! What day is this scenario most likely to occur?


I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday

The wife said she wanted to go and see

the j**... Springer show for her birthday.
So I got her sister pregnant!!
We're on next Wednesday!

My mate has two tickets for the England vs Croatia game on Wednesday

He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah

I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

He said 'how flexible are you?'
I said 'I can't make Wednesdays.'

Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

I have s**... with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

On Monday, h**... told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.
On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.
On Thursday, 3.
On Friday, 5.
On Saturday, 8.
And on Sunday, h**... told 13 lies.
That is the fibber-n**... sequence.

A priest is doing prayers for people.

A man walks up to the priest and askes "Will you please pray for my hearing?"
"Of course", replies the priest, and proceeds to cup his hands over the man's ears and says a prayer.
When he's done praying, the priest askes the man, "Well, how's your hearing now?"
The man replies, "I don't know. It's only on Wednesday."

Did you know too much s**... can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700
You are really mad, the doctor said.
The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.
You are not far from death, the doctor said.
The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.
BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?
The doctor asked.
He replied, "I divided 3,700 by Wednesday. "
The doctor collapsed.

I set Blur's Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week...

Except for Wednesdays, when I'm rudely awakened by the dustman.

My wife's p**... are labelled 'Monday', 'Tuesday', 'Wednesday' ...

My underwear is labelled 'January', February', 'March'...

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.
He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"
Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"
Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the third one: "3 times 4?"
The third one immediately answers "12".
The doctor is surprised that the last one got it right: "Wow, how did you get to that answer?"
"It was easy", says the last one. "I divided 1484 by wednesday".

An old friend of mine married a young girl

As we're not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had s**....
Almost every day, he said.
Almost every day?! I exclaimed.
Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?


After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get s**... almost every day..

Friends: no way!
Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!

Three old men, hard of hearing

Three old men, hard of hearing, are waiting at a bus stop on a hill, it's winter time.
The first man goes as he's shivering brrrr, it's windy !
The second one responds it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday ,
And the third man says I'm thirsty too, let's go grab a beer !

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

My friend told me that I don't understand irony

Which itself was ironic because it was a Wednesday

A perfect son never disappoints his father.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

To all my Americans today: Happy Cinco de Mayo

To all my Mexican-American friends: happy Wednesday

I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...

She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"
i said "that would be b**... lovely".
So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.

In America, great big massive storms are called Hurricanes

In India they're called Cyclones
In Japan they're called Typhoons
In Britain they're called Wednesdays

Today is Wednesday, 2nd February 2022 (2/2/22).

For some reason, I kept thinking it was Tuesday.

Wednesday is actually Tuesday

Wednesday is actually twos day this week! Don't miss the opportunity to tell your wife and kids that clever dad joke!
Wednesday 2/2/22 is twos day!!

It's very strange that today is a Wednesday.

Because I looked at the date, and it's clearly a Twos-day.

I have the perfect son.

**Does he smoke?**
No, he doesn't.
**Does he drink whiskey?**
No, he doesn't.
**Does he ever come home late?**
No, he doesn't.
**I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?**
He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Late again

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My boss has really been on my case lately. Today she asked me why I've already been late three times this week," the guy complains to the bartender. "What did you say?" the bartender asks. "I told her because it's only Wednesday," the guy replies.


The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

Husband: we should have s**... more often!

Wife: But we have s**... almost every day!
Husband: Almost every day??? How's that???
Wife: Well, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday….

A tech company gets a new CTO...

She comes in and says hey, we're gonna make some changes around here.
Mondays we won't work, we'll be recovering from the weekend. Tuesdays we won't work, we'll be getting ready for the work week. Wednesdays, that's our new work week. Thursdays we won't work, we need to recover from a long work week, and Fridays we won't work, we'll need to get ready for the weekend.
A senior programmer in the back raises his hand and says hey, I'm not sure I understand... Does this mean we have to start working on Wednesdays?

According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.

Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.
Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.
Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the case tirelessly.

Wednesday joke, Boss: this is your third day coming in late this week. Do you know what that means?

jokes about wednesday