Rib-Tickling Wednesday Jokes that Bring Friends Together
Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg
The Gregorian calendar
Taxi Story
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.
It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.
When will the madness end?
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
Dough Boy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.
The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."
The Perfect Son
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.
I hear it can make a vas deferens in my s**... life.
If Wednesday is h**... day...
Would that make Tuesday foreplay day?
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Ahh, those were the days...
John and Paul wanted to know if there is baseball in heaven
So they made a pact. Whoever died first would tell the other one if there is in fact baseball in heaven. John dies and he tells Paul, "I have good news and bad news". John says "The good news is yes, there is baseball in heaven". So Paul asks "So what is the bad news then" and John's reply is "The bad news is that you are pitching on Wednesday."
You can explore wednesday work reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wednesday mdma dad jokes. There are also wednesday puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays?
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
When I was in college, I used to have s**... almost EVERY DAY...
...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...
p**... Ejaculators Anonymous, Wednesday at 5:30AM
I'd be there, but there's no way I'd come that early.
A penitent man decided to give up s**... for Lent...
A penitent man decided to give up s**... for the Lenten season. His wife was not informed of this situation, however. One the second night after Ash Wednesday, she showed some interest in relations. Rebuffing her advances he said, "I'm sorry, honey--I can't. It's Lent."
Angrily, she replied, "To whom and how long?"
Latest jokes 2015 i have perfect son
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
I gave my wife 8 inches last week.
2 inches on Monday, 2 inches on Wednesday, 2 inches on Friday, and 2 inches on Saturday.
The fattest man in Britain has sadly died.
Cremation will be held at 12PM on Wednesday.....
and Thursday.....
and Friday.
America's fattest man has died.
The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.
An old man was asked what the trick was to a long and happy marriage with his wife. He replied saying 'We have s**... nearly every day'
Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...
Punny wednesday
The phone rang 'green green' and so I pink up the phone.
"Yellow? Blue is this? Can you speak louder? I can't hear you purplerly, I'll call you black later."
And that's why I never argue with my wife.
Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.
Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.
Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.
A man walks into a bar...
While his wife sits at home crying, because his crippling alcoholism is destroying their marriage.
Happy Wednesday...
My friend Dave drowned yesterday
his f**... is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.
They're predicting record highs for Wednesday.
In other news the weather will be hotter than usual.
A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
Boss says, "its the 3rd time you've been late this week! Do you know what that means??"
Me, "err... It's Wednesday?"
Why did the Addams have the late man arrested?
He was expected on Tuesday, but he came on Wednesday.
ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.
You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
3 old ladies are sitting on a bus
The first one says - it's windy.
Second one says - it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday.
Third one says - yea, I'm thirsty too, we should buy something to drink.
Remember, always give 100% of your effort at work
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday
What did the pastor say to the boy ditching mass on Ash Wednesday?
Get your ash back over here!
Why is International Women's day on a Wednesday?
Because it's h**... Day!
My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week
I told him because it's only Wednesday
Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...
Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.
My boss asked me "this is the third time you've been late to work this week... do you know what this means?"
I said
"...it's Wednesday?"
My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling...
But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.
I have s**... almost every day
Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday
A woman implanted an advanced artificial intelligence into her old Nintendo gaming system so she could legally marry it. When did they get married?
On Wednesday
Winston goes to church
Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?"
Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing".
The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes.
"So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar.
"I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".
Of course Hugh Hefner died on a Wednesday
We call it h**... day for a reason.
On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.
It's going to be completely Excel Lent.
Happy h**... Day!
Unless you're alone like me, in which case it's just a regular Wednesday.
I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday
If you are a 90s kid-you say I love my gaming system! Your friend says Then why don't you marry it? You say Super! I will! What day is this scenario most likely to occur?
WEDNESDAY
I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday
The wife said she wanted to go and see
the j**... Springer show for her birthday.
So I got her sister pregnant!!
We're on next Wednesday!
Michigan summers are amazing....
It was on a Wednesday last year.
What's the worst part about friday afternoons?
Realizing it's only wednesday.
I used to believe in the saying 'Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me'.
This was until I fell into a printing press last Wednesday l.
My mate has two tickets for the England vs Croatia game on Wednesday
He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah
I joined a Karate class and told the Sensei I wanted to learn how to do roundhouse kicks.
He asked me how flexible I was and I replied I can't train on Wednesday and Fridays.
Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...
And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!
I have s**... with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?
Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday.
I was asked what days I could run a football club in Sheffield.
I said, I can't manage Wednesday.
People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him
and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday
What's Thanos' favourite holiday?
Ash Wednesday
Did you know that today is Sean Connery's favorite holiday?
Ash Wednesday
On Monday, h**... told 1 lie.
On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.
On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.
On Thursday, 3.
On Friday, 5.
On Saturday, 8.
And on Sunday, h**... told 13 lies.
That is the fibber-n**... sequence.
Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes
Mostly lentils
Wednesday?
After night.
Dude just got married and is thrilled with idea of having s**... almost every day.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday...
A priest is doing prayers for people.
A man walks up to the priest and askes "Will you please pray for my hearing?"
"Of course", replies the priest, and proceeds to cup his hands over the man's ears and says a prayer.
When he's done praying, the priest askes the man, "Well, how's your hearing now?"
The man replies, "I don't know. It's only on Wednesday."
Did you know too much s**... can cause memory loss
I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.
On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console?
Wednesday.
A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?
He replied: 3,700
You are really mad, the doctor said.
The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.
You are not far from death, the doctor said.
The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.
BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?
The doctor asked.
He replied, "I divided 3,700 by Wednesday. "
The doctor collapsed.
A doctor has an appointment
A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.
He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"
"1484"
Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"
"Wednesday"
Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the third one: "3 times 4?"
The third one immediately answers "12".
The doctor is surprised that the last one got it right: "Wow, how did you get to that answer?"
"It was easy", says the last one. "I divided 1484 by wednesday".
An old friend of mine married a young girl
As we're not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had s**....
Almost every day, he said.
Almost every day?! I exclaimed.
Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes
After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get s**... almost every day..
Friends: no way!
Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!
Three old men, hard of hearing
Three old men, hard of hearing, are waiting at a bus stop on a hill, it's winter time.
The first man goes as he's shivering brrrr, it's windy !
The second one responds it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday ,
And the third man says I'm thirsty too, let's go grab a beer !
I get laid almost every day of the week.
Almost got laid on Monday, almost got laid on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, and almost on Sunday.
Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday
He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.
What is the best day to eat Camel meat?
Wednesday
My friend told me that I don't understand irony
Which itself was ironic because it was a Wednesday
A perfect son never disappoints his father.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Boss: It's the third time this week you're late for for work. Do you know what it means?
It's Wednesday already
To all my Americans today: Happy Cinco de Mayo
To all my Mexican-American friends: happy Wednesday
Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it's only Wednesday
I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...
She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"
i said "that would be b**... lovely".
So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.
Today is Wednesday, 2nd February 2022 (2/2/22).
For some reason, I kept thinking it was Tuesday.
Wednesday is actually Tuesday
Wednesday is actually twos day this week! Don't miss the opportunity to tell your wife and kids that clever dad joke!
Wednesday 2/2/22 is twos day!!
It's very strange that today is a Wednesday.
Because I looked at the date, and it's clearly a Twos-day.
I have the perfect son.
**Does he smoke?**
No, he doesn't.
**Does he drink whiskey?**
No, he doesn't.
**Does he ever come home late?**
No, he doesn't.
**I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?**
He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Late again
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My boss has really been on my case lately. Today she asked me why I've already been late three times this week," the guy complains to the bartender. "What did you say?" the bartender asks. "I told her because it's only Wednesday," the guy replies.
I called the dentist office to set up an appointment for next Wednesday.
The clerk asked, "2:30?"
I replied, "Yes very much."
My wife reminds me of Ariana Grande.
She'll say Don't forget, next Wednesday we're seeing Ariana Grande
Why did Saturday and Sunday win the body-building competition?
Because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are week days.
I love summer in Scotland...
This year it was a Wednesday.
According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.
Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.
Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.
Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the case tirelessly.
Boss: this is your third day coming in late this week. Do you know what that means?
Employee: it means today is Wednesday
