Wedding Day Jokes

What does a Polish man give to his bride on their wedding day that's both long and hard?

His surname

A man from West Virginia and a woman from Kentucky got married...

The day after their wedding, the man's father sees him storm into the house, gun in hand. "What's got you upset, son?" The father asked. To which the man replied, "I shot my wife. I found out she was a v**..., so if she isn't good enough for her family, she isn't good enough for ours!"

A little boy at a wedding...

A little boy at a wedding asks his Mom, "Mommy how come bride's wear white dresses at their wedding." The Mom responds "Well because it's the happiest day of her life." The kid responds "Then how come the groom wears black?"

A r**... was all excited on the day of his wedding as he found out that his wife to be was a v**....

His Father imediatly called off the wedding.
" If she ain't good enough for her family then she ain't good enough for ours!"

A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.

What do a wedding and a f**... have in common?

At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.

Why is the bride always sad on her wedding day?

Because she doesn't get to marry the best man.

Why do women wear white on their wedding day?

All good kitchen appliances come in white. (Don't hurt me)

I lost my wedding ring the other day

Had a quick check under the sofa but wasn't really that bothered until the missus came home and told me to look harder.
So I got a tattoo and s**... my head but I still couldn't find it.

A 70 year old man buys his wife a present

For their 50th wedding anniversary a 70 year old man buys his wife a see through night gown
The next day he goes back to the store and returns it
Cashier: I'm sorry you were unsatisfied with our product. May I ask what was wrong with it?
70 Year Old Man: It was all wrinkled

Ana from Frozen was upset it didn't snow on her Wedding day, but everything has a silver lining because she got 8 inches that night

There are a mother and child at a wedding.

The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"

I have two tickets to the Euro's final..

problem is it's on the same day as my wedding... So if anyones interested it's at St.Peters church in Brighton and her name is Sarah.

Euro 2016

Hi! I've got 2 tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but forgot that it's on the same day as my wedding so I can't go.
If you are interested and want to go instead of me ...
... It's at St. Nicholas' Church, Brighton and she's called Jane.

Free Tickets to the US Open

My buddy gave me two tickets to the US Open but I realized I am getting married that day. If anyone wants to take my place, the wedding is at St. Paul's Church and her name is Emily

Boy and Mom funny conversation

Boy whispers to his mom during a wedding
Boy: Mommy?
Mom: What?
Boy: Why is the girl dressed in white?
Mom: Because this is the happiest day of her life.
Boy: so why is the boy dressed in black?

Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid.

St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa.
Just go there, get married and you're done.

Wearing White ...

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

On her wedding day...

Your soon-to-be wife is focused on three things: the aisle, the altar, and you. That then becomes her lifelong mantra.
Aisle altar you.

So my cousin s**... up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:

Dearest Mom,
If you pull this ring, I'll be able to get 3 days leave.

My wife asked for snow on her wedding day

Sadly it didn't, although she got 8 inches on the honeymoon.

A child asks his mother

why the bride wears white on her wedding day. His mother responds, "Because white represents happiness, and that's the happiest day of her life!" The child thinks for a while and then asks, "Then why does the groom wear black?"

On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar

I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

I changed my last name to 'Batman' the day before my wedding

My Father-in-Law didn't enjoy the wedding of Dan and Anna BATMAN.

A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today. The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with too many kids when you were young did they?" The grandfather replies, "Nope." The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for birth control?" The old guy replies, "A wedding ring."

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 Super bowl.

Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher's Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

My cousin has 2 tickets for the super bowl and paid $2500 for each ticket.

he didnt realize last year it was going to be the day of his wedding.
If interested he is looking for someone to take his place.
Her name is Lisa Phillips 35, about 140lbs, a good cook, She'll be in white

kids at wedding

kid: Mom, why does the bride wear white clothes?
mother: because it is the happiest day in her life.
kid: So, why the groom is wearing black?

A husband's new wife really wants...

A husband's new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.
So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.
At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

My mate has two tickets for the England vs Croatia game on Wednesday

He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah

Wedding day and birthday

This married couple have a wedding day that is on the same day as the wife's birthday. When asked about it, the wife said:
"It's because he convinced me to. He said it's to make the most important day of my life twice as important as any other normal wedding day. I'm happy that he's the one I'm married to."
The husband, when asked the same question:
"It's easier to remember the date that way."

I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it's also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony's and the brides' name is Joanna..

A joke I came up with the other day

Two hedgehogs were at a wedding. One of the hedgehogs asked if the other would like to dance with him.
The other hedgehog responded, Sure, but I might poke ya,

I said to my wife "I have a big problem".

She replied "Now look, YOU don't have a problem! WE have a problem. Remember our wedding day!? For better or for worse, for richer for poorer" and all that, now what's this big problem?
I said "Ok then. We've got your sister pregnant".

On the day I got married, at the ceremony, I stood up and tapped my glass for everyone to be silent.

I held up a fruit and said nothing, scanning the crowd for any sign of pleasure.
All I got was a series of blank expressions, and I could feel my animosity growing as I searched each person, then the next.
"What's wrong with you all?" I finally shouted. "I thought you guys would love my wedding's peach!"

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

One day at work some friends were talking about the s**... they had on their wedding night.

First friend said 'oh we enjoyed it a lot, we did it 6 times and tried different positions each time.'
Second said 'that's nothing, we did it almost 13 times till I was completely dry and exhausted'
They asked the third guy about his wedding night, he replied that they did it only once and slept.
Both friends started laughing hysterically and asked why.
He calmly replied 'she wasn't used to it'.

What is something long and hard that Polish brides get on their wedding day?

Their husband's last name.

There are three different stages of marriage, said Dad to his son on the boy's wedding day.

When you're newlyweds, you have s**... wherever and whenever you want it. Then comes stage 2. After you've been married for some time, s**... is usually confined to the bedroom. And then comes stage 3. The most s**... you get is when you pass each other on the stairs and say 'Fuck off!'

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A truck driver sees a n**... man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and drove off."
The truck driver shook his head, lowered his fly and said, "This just isn't your day, is it."

Sue has lunch with her blonde friend, Mary.

Sue offers to pay because she recently got a whole bunch of money. Mary asks her how, and she says a man hit her with his car so she sued him.
The next day, Mary shows up with a wedding ring on her finger. Sue asks what happened, and she says, "a guy hit me with his car, so I did just what you would have done. I Mary'd him!"

A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their s**... life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.
A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happy.
Three months pass. She's really worried about her youngest when finally a message arrives. It's addressed in shaky handwriting and contains an ad for British Airways. "London to Paris: Seven days a week, three times a day, both ways."
She fainted.

[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.

On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"

Dad: Son, congratulations. Im sure you will remeber today as the happiest day of your life.

Son: Thanks dad! But wedding is tomorrow.
Dad: I know.

I was disappointed when it didn't snow on my wedding day...

But I did get 8 inches on my honeymoon.

Women who marry Polish men get something long and hard on their wedding day.

A new last name.

Joke of the day

Teacher: "Billy if  there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?"
Billy: "none the others flew away"
Teacher: "the awanser is 4 but I like the way you think"
Billy: "i have a question for you miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream.  1 l**..., 1 biting and 1 s**.... Which one is married?"
Teacher nervously awansers: the one s**...
Billy: the awanser is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think

Thereʻs nothing ironic about rain on your wedding day.

It's normal for a couple to have a bridal shower.

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.
If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!
It is at Manchester registry office at 2pm. The brides name is Nicola, she is 28, 5f 6 tall, a bit of a looker and a good cook.

Straight to controversial, I know.

What did the millennial get on his wedding day?
A participation trophy wife.

Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.

Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.
Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.
The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "
Her mother calmly replied :" Your father has only 6 inches ."

Honey, am I fat?

"No darling! You are not fat. You're skinnier than on the day of our wedding."
"Honey I'm hungry, can you carry me to the fridge?"
"Just a second darling. I'll bring the fridge to you."

Old Man Jack married an old maid

Life had been hard on old Ethel. But they were truly in love, and their families agreed it was best for them to live out their final days in joy.
On their wedding night, Jack lay on the bed and watched his new bride undress.
She took out her glass eye and placed it in a velvet case.
Next, she removed her false teeth and put them in a glass of water.
Taking off her wig, she placed it on a small bust on the dresser.
She removed her prosthetic leg, and stood it beside the chair.
Jack finally spoke: "When you get to the part I'm waiting for, just toss it over."

A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in t**....

"Don't go in the Church!" He cried
"it's a trap!"
"Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?" His son asked
"No dear, He's watching our wedding video." The mom replied

Anyone available??

I'M ASKING FOR A FRIEND............... A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

Two tickets to the super bowl

A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tix, 40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Prob bc of the extra game this year.
If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place... Try to be on time. It's at Calvary church in Santa Monica at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress.

Buddy bought Superbowl tickets

A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tickets, 40 yard line box seats 20 rows up. He paid $4,500 each but he didn't realize when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Probably because of the extra game this year.
If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place...It's at Calvary church in San Clemente at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, very flexible and a decent cook too.
She'll be in the white dress.

Super Bowl tickets!

Last minute I realize but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Inglewood, CA at SOFI stadium Tomorrow.
They are box seats that he spent $8,500 a piece for which includes a ride from the airport, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them that this is the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at St. Paul's church at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley and she is 5'5 and about a 110 pounds. She is a good cook and enjoys the outdoors.

Asking for a friend ............... A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl.

They are 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

A buddy of mine has two Super Bowl tickets.

40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them it was going to be on the same day as his wedding - probably because of the extra game this year. If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place...It's at Sacred Heart Catholic church in Los Angeles at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress.