Wed Jokes

35 wed jokes and hilarious wed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Wed Short Jokes

Short wed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wed humour may include short hearty jokes also.

  1. A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run! His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape
  2. Wife asks: Why are you watching our wedding video backwards? — I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.
  3. My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a french alliance.
  4. What did kate middleton find out on her wedding night? That not all rulers are twelve inches long
  5. I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
  6. At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.
  7. What's the difference between a Syrian wedding and an ISIS training camp? I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
  8. Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events" Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"
  9. The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
  10. Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tear to my eyes I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.

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Wed One Liners

Which wed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wed? I can suggest the ones about remarry and lifelong.

  1. What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name
  2. What food makes women stop giving blow jobs? Wedding cake
  3. What did Owen Wilson and his wife exchange at their wedding? Wows
    I'll show myself out
  4. My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time
  5. I went to a sad wedding Even the cake was in tiers.
  6. Why does a bride always cry at her wedding? Cus she never marries the best man
  7. It's impossible to please women. Even at your wedding, you are not the best man
  8. What's the worst part of an NFL wedding? Getting hit by Rice
  9. It was such an emotional wedding... Even the cake was in tiers.
  10. Why are Alabama weddings so small? Because you only need to invite one family.
  11. Why are Alabama weddings so small? They've only gotta invite one family
  12. How do you remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once.
  13. What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%? Wedding c‌‌ake.
  14. What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake.
  15. What's the leading cause of obesity in women? Wedding rings

Newly Wed Jokes

Here is a list of funny newly wed jokes and even better newly wed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A newly wed bride asks her husband Why didn't you tell me you are broke before we got married? He replies: I always told you that you are my EVERYTHING!
  • A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note: Dearest Mom,
    If you pull this ring, I'll be able to get 3 days leave.
  • A newly wed couple... Husband: Hun, I have a huge problem.
    Wife: Stop saying it's yours, we are married it's OUR problem now.
    Husband: I got your best friend pregnant, we are the parents!
  • How much s**... do couples have? Newly weds: "Tri-weekly."
    After 10 years: "Try weekly."
    After 30 years, "Try, weakly."
  • A newly-wed couple were lying in bed... A newly-wed couple were lying in bed.
    Suddenly the wife wakes up screaming, MY HUSBAND IS HOME!
    The n**... husband leaps out the window.

Comical Wed Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about wed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean honeymoon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wed pranks.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how g**... you pictured him to be...
The first man was just a little grocer.

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.
"Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a h**... before we met, are you OK with that"
He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on,so tell me more
She says "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens"

The Princess of Potatoes has to marry

King Tater instructs his daughter to choose a noble potato to wed.
The princess says, "Father, I have chosen. I want to marry Rachel Maddow."
"I WON'T HAVE IT!" yells King Tater in a fury.
"But Father, I never knew you would be homophobic," said the princess.
"It's not that!" said the king. "It's that she's only a commentator."

Confessions of a newly wed.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn't sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she's been able to cover up.
After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.
Recoiling, he says, Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks.

Ode to Hillary

Ode to Hillary
There was a crooked woman, and she wore a crooked smile
She found a crooked dollar and she dodged a crooked trial
She bought a crooked server, and wed a crooked spouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house

Newly wed 70-year old

Marty is with his fellow septuagenarian friends. During a thoughtful pause between all the joking and grousing he reveals that he and his new bride are having some issues with s**.... The friends had previously warned Marty that his bride-to-be only wanted him for his money and now they rallied around him.
"You lied by saying that you're only 50 years old. And now she's disappointed that you have s**... infrequently," ventured a friend.
"Yes, I lied," Marty confessed. "I said that I was 90 years old. And now she's upset that it's in frequently."
> mandatory: this is not mine; not OC

Two lovers get romantic on the night of their wedding.

The newly wed lady blushes and asks, "Honey, where will you take us for our honeymoon?"
"I will take you to the farthest islands of the Caribbean!"
"Really? And what would you do on our 25th anniversary?", asks the wife, now blushing even more.
"I will bring you back."

The Wedding Night

In a party, the manager proudly said that he did it 7 times with his wife on his wedding night.
Supervisor next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep on his wedding night.
All turned towards a newly wed and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night?
"Only once sir"
They all laugh and ask him WHY??
He replies "cause my wife wasn't used to it sir!!!!"

I Hear People can wed Rollarcoasters...

I bet their relationship has its ups and downs.

Why couldn't the two melons wed?

Because they can't elope.

A man and his wife have been recently wed, but the man's work calls for him to leave the country for six months...


What's the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman's parents?

One couple are Wed Danes and the other are Dead Waynes.

A couple just had a wedding.

He wed the bed that same night.