The Best 82 Weather Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Weather jokes. There are some weather heil jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these weather warm weather puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Weather Jokes and Puns

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

Weather joke, The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

What was the weather like at the rap concert?

There was a Lil Wayne.

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."


Two English Muslims go on holiday in Spain...

Two English Muslims go on a long holiday in Spain, and they're having a wonderful time until one day the weather turns and it rains for three days straight. On the fourth day, one of them looks out of the window in the morning.

"Ahmed, I think we can visit some of the local buildings today. We should bring an umbrella though."

"Ah, but Hissam, how is the weather looking on the forecast? Is it Sunni, or is it Shi'ite?"

Snow in the forecast...

...and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance, with a face like that!"

Weather joke, Snow in the forecast...

Northeast Weather

I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

What do the weather man and every other man have in common?

They say it's going to be 10 inches, then end up only being 4 to 6.

My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM...

Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?

Because of the Nye Quill.

So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....

The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.

You can explore weather snowy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean weather winter dad jokes. There are also weather puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

Do you know about the unpredictable weather in Syria?

Sometimes it's Sunni, other times it's Shiite.

When does it rain money?

When there's change in the weather.

What's Hitler's favorite weather?

Heil

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

Weather joke, English Weather

Did you know the weather is just like a Muslim?

It's either Sunni or it's Shiite.

Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival?

...They're calling for a Lil Wayne

A bucket goes to the doctor

The bucket was feeling ill, and decided to go to a physician.

The doctor, seeing as this was a new patient, asked him, "tell me about yourself first."

"Well, I can hold about 1/2 a gallon of liquid. I'm 3 years old, and I have to tell you, I feel pretty under the weather."

The doctor replied, "I can tell. You seem to be a little pail."


Why are most weather forecasters men?

Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather forecaster says that you have -35!" "Ah, it's probably outside", friend replies.

This hot weather...

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts...

Although it does make me look a bit gay.

Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat?

"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common?

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

Did you hear about the chronic masturbator that was slightly under the weather?

He's not feeling himself today.

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

if a fat doctor gives you a vasectomy, why should you ask him about the weather?

because he's a meaty urologist!

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

How do weathermen get up a mountain?

They climate

A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters

..until I realised they weren't to scale.

When does money fall from the sky?

When there is a change in weather

Forgive me

Why did they make economists?

To make the weather guys look good.

Vaginas are like the weather

If its wet, its time to go inside.

Lottery

A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

Why did the weather man's wife leave him?

He promised nine inches but she only got three.

Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

I asked a tall guy "how's the weather up there"

He spat on me and told me it's raining

There's an old Native American man that sits in a teepee along the road I take to work.

Every morning for a while now I stop in and ask him what the weather will be that day. Rain, snow, sun, clouds. He's always right.

Well yesterday I stopped in just like normal and asked what the weather was going to be like.

"Got no clue", he said.

I was shocked. "What's different about today that you don't know?"

He just shook his head sadly. "Radio broke."

My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"

What are the two types of weather in Islamic countries?

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite

I don't know why North Korea needs a nuclear bomb...

...their weather machine seems to be working just fine

Turns out that Roy Moore is having a bad influence on weather in Alabama.

The temperatures are flirting with the teens this week.

Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast?

Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.

How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas?

Eight bucks

Nine bucks if the weather is bad.

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.

I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

The weather suggests that turnout will be in Roy Moore's favor today.

It is expected to dip into the teens.

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"

The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".

Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"

...

...

"It's horrible."

"Agree."

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I'd check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

How are your parents? shouted Cromwell across the battlefield. And the king replied: They're very well, thank you. Isn't the weather nice for this time of year?

It was civil war.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things!

I just won the Lottery!'

Martha shouts back, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'

The man replies, 'I don't care, just as long as you're out of the house by noon!'

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia?

It's always Sunni!

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

Did you hear about the boy who turned up to school with only 1 glove?

He said the weather man said it's going to be cold, but on the other hand it might be warm.

What do you call a fat weather man that studies penises?

A meaty-urologist

Why did the weatherman blush?

He saw the climate change

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. Hello, Bush said. Nice weather we're having, huh? Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.

Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.

Moses said, The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.

Meaty Urologist joke

By the way, why are all the weather forecasts on television given by meaty urologists?

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

Todays weather forecast…

S
O
e

S

H
W R

Scattered showers

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:

Please, don't just stand there!

Go home!

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Disclaimer:

I really appreciate my mother in law. This is a joke (which I like to tell her once in a while). In-laws deserve to be treated with respect, just like real human beings.

Iceberg

A couple icebergs in Antarctica are best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.

One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by and he returns to Antarctica. His best friend immediately takes notice of the amount of weight his friend lost while on vacation.

He says "you look amazing my friend, you really slimmed down! Was vacation everything you thawed it would be?"

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

What do you call a fat doctor who can predict the weather?

A meaty urologist.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

A man called the wrong number...

"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. Β "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."

"Who was that?" his young wife asked.

Β "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."

What's the hottest and coolest news program?

The weather forecast

It might never stop raining in England

Yet german weather will be always Wetter.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?

Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.

Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.

Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife, "They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth."

He calls the guy and asks, "What's the weather like where you are?"

"It's around -20C I would say."

"I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C."

"Oh, well it might be outside."

I once entered a weather pun competition

I beat the raining champion.

Southwest had to ground so many flights because of inclement weather....

I guess you could call this weather "hurricane Brandon".

Muslim weather is so unpredictable...

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

When the Romans landed in Britain...

When the Romans landed in Britain,

The weather proved a teaser!

The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",

But the answer was "Hail, Caesar"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the weather spring weather jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working weather texas weather piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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