Weather Jokes

Following is our collection of snowy humor and heil one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Weather puns for adults, dirty winter jokes or clean rainy gags for kids.

There is an abundance of weathermen jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes on weather. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any forecaster witze you can hear about weather.

The Best jokes about Weather

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Did you hear about the chronic masturbator that was slightly under the weather?

He's not feeling himself today.

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.

I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.


There's an old Native American man that sits in a teepee along the road I take to work.

Every morning for a while now I stop in and ask him what the weather will be that day. Rain, snow, sun, clouds. He's always right.

Well yesterday I stopped in just like normal and asked what the weather was going to be like.

"Got no clue", he said.

I was shocked. "What's different about today that you don't know?"

He just shook his head sadly. "Radio broke."

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

I asked a tall guy "how's the weather up there"

He spat on me and told me it's raining

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival?

...They're calling for a Lil Wayne


What are the two types of weather in Islamic countries?

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

This hot weather...

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts...

Although it does make me look a bit gay.

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

Vaginas are like the weather

If its wet, its time to go inside.


My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM...

Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?

Because of the Nye Quill.

A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

What's Hitler's favorite weather?

Heil

So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....

The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".


Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I'd check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas?

Eight bucks


Nine bucks if the weather is bad.

if a fat doctor gives you a vasectomy, why should you ask him about the weather?

because he's a meaty urologist!

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.

St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"

God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"

Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast?

Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.

One morning, Harry wakes up..

...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts Β£333 on it to win.
It comes in third.

The Native American Weatherman

A director is shooting a movie in a desert near an Indian reservation. One day, a native american comes up to him and says "Rain today."

The director doesn't pay much attention, but towards the middle of the day, it rains. The director is now impressed, and instantly hires the native american to predict weather for him.

The cycle continues until the director is about to shoot the most important scene of the film. He asks the native: "What's the weather like today?" He says "Don't know."

"What? What do you mean you don't know?"

"Radio broken."

When does it rain money?

When there's change in the weather.

My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off...

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!"

A ghostly silence reigned.

He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!"

One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

How do weathermen get up a mountain?

They climate

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nice," says God, "but I'm not really in the mood for such warm weather."
Another angel chimes in with a suggestion. "Well if not Mercury, how about Pluto?" (Yes, I realize it's no longer considered a planet, but it works for the joke so calm down). "You could go skiing, maybe hang out at the lodge and pick up a snow bunny."
"Oh I don't know," replies God. "That's maybe a bit too cold for my tastes and honestly I don't really enjoy skiing all that much."
A third angel says, "You know, sir, there's always Earth. The climate is nice and temperate plus the people love you down there."
"That is true," says God, "but I really don't think I should. The last time I went there I hooked up with that Mary chick and they still won't stop talking about it."

A couple were walking in St Petersburg...

when they felt a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," said the man.

"No, I definitely think it's snowing," said the woman.

After arguing for about 20 minutes, the man says, "why don't we ask this Communist officer over here? He is always right!"

So they go up to the officer and say, "Officer Rudolph, what would you say the weather is right now? Raining or snowing?" to which Officer Rudolph replies, "It is definitely raining."

The man turns to his wife with a smile and says, "see, I told you, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A penguin takes a road trip

A penguin decided to take a road trip. Halfway through, his car breaks down and he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will take about 20 minutes to diagnose the problem, so the penguin decides to walk around a bit and check out the small town. It's hot out, and being a penguin, he's used to cooler weather, so he stops and buys himself a huge ice cream cone. He's eating the ice cream as fast as he can as he's walking around, but it's hot out, and a lot of it melted all over his hands and face. 20 minutes go by, and he heads back to the mechanic. When he gets there, the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal", and the penguin says "Nah, man, that's just some ice cream"

A man and woman have been married for fifty years

However, both find that they are struggling to remember things like the used to, so they decide to go to the doctor's. He sees them separately and tells them that they both have Alzheimer's. They are understandably upset by this news, but the husband turns to his wife and says "look, we are no different than yesterday! Tell you what, it is supposed to be lovely weather tomorrow, we will go to the beach like we used to."

She agrees and off they go the next day. They have a lovely time sunbathing, then the wife decides she wants an ice cream. The husband agrees and gets ready to get up when she says "wait, don't you want me to write it down for you so you don't forget?"

He replies "I'm not an idiot, I'm capable of remembering two ice creams!"

"Are you sure? I want nuts and sauces..."

"No," he said, "it is fine. I will see you soon." So he leaves.

The man is gone for hours and his wife is getting deeply concerned when he finally shows up again, two burgers in hand. She sees this, shakes her head and says "oh you idiot, you forgot the chips!"

Lottery

A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia?

It's always Sunni!

Why did they make economists?

To make the weather guys look good.

A couple decides to go on vacation.

A couple from London decides to go on a vacation together to Spain.
Due to a sudden change in the wife's work schedule the husband decides to fly first and the wife will join him a couple of days later.
As the husband arrives weather is great and he feels kind of bad for his wife still working at home so he immediately decides to send her a letter.

Unfortunately the letter by mistake gets sent to the grieving widow next door.
Being old and still in shock after just having lost her husband she opens up the envelope without looking at the address.

The letter read as following:
"Hi Honey! Just got down here and boy is it freaking hot.
Looking forward to seeing you when you arrive in a few days"

When does money fall from the sky?

When there is a change in weather







Forgive me

One clear morning, a man wakes up early to go fishing...

... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.

About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lightning. The man said,

"Gee, this is awful weather to go fishing in. I might as well just go back home."

So the man drove back to house, put away his fishing gear, took off his clothes and crawled back into bed with his wife.

As soon as he entered the bed, his wife said to him, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in this weather?"

What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common?

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

Did you hear about the boy who turned up to school with only 1 glove?

He said the weather man said it's going to be cold, but on the other hand it might be warm.

As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters

..until I realised they weren't to scale.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things!

I just won the Lottery!'

Martha shouts back, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'

The man replies, 'I don't care, just as long as you're out of the house by noon!'

How stock markets work!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

This is how stock markets work!

Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat?

"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

What was the weather like at the rap concert?

There was a Lil Wayne.

Snow in the forecast...

...and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance, with a face like that!"

Why are most weather forecasters men?

Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.

Northeast Weather

I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Turns out that Roy Moore is having a bad influence on weather in Alabama.

The temperatures are flirting with the teens this week.

Why did the weather man's wife leave him?

He promised nine inches but she only got three.

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather forecaster says that you have -35!" "Ah, it's probably outside", friend replies.

So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather.

So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather. He goes to the doctor and is like "Doc, I've been sick all week, you gotta help me." The doctor pauses for a moment, considering options, and finally says "Okay, this is an age old remedy. Here's what I need you to do. Before you go in your mud pile, I want you to fill it with salt and sugar. Then, lay in there like you usually would. Call me in a week and let me know how you feel."

So a week goes by and the pig calls the doctor. "Oh, so how are you feeling," asks the doctor. "Better?"

"Better?" exclaims the pig. "I'm cured!"

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)

One morning, a man was feeling under the weather at work

so he told his boss that he's going home, since he's not feeling well.

His boss mentions that whenever he's not feeling well, he goes home and makes love to his wife, and that always makes him feel better. He recommends the employee try that and let him know.

The employee agrees and leaves work. Later that day, his boss sees him come back to work, so he asks him if his advice helped.

The employee responds that it did help, and that he's feeling a lot better, and by the way "You have a lovely house!"

What do you call a fat weather man that studies penises?

A meaty-urologist

A bucket goes to the doctor

The bucket was feeling ill, and decided to go to a physician.

The doctor, seeing as this was a new patient, asked him, "tell me about yourself first."

"Well, I can hold about 1/2 a gallon of liquid. I'm 3 years old, and I have to tell you, I feel pretty under the weather."

The doctor replied, "I can tell. You seem to be a little pail."

It was the Milkman's last day...

It was Greg the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words."

He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"

The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".

Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"

...

...

"It's horrible."

"Agree."

I don't know why North Korea needs a nuclear bomb...

...their weather machine seems to be working just fine

How are your parents? shouted Cromwell across the battlefield. And the king replied: They're very well, thank you. Isn't the weather nice for this time of year?

It was civil war.

Did you know the weather is just like a Muslim?

It's either Sunni or it's Shiite.

Why did the weatherman blush?

He saw the climate change

How national weather service predicts weather.

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

The freakin' weather

Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend in the Soviet Embassy by the name of Rudolph Nosov, who would drop by occasionally.

One evening, Gerald and his wife, Peg, were sitting in the kitchen chatting when Gerald looked out the window and said, "Look, it's snowing."

Rudolph looked out and said very quickly, "No, I think it is just rain."

"I'm sure it is snow," insisted Gerald.

"And I am just as sure that it is rain," said Rudolph.

At this point Gerald turned to Peg to settle the argument. Peg looked out the window for a moment, then said, "What can I say? Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."

The weather suggests that turnout will be in Roy Moore's favor today.

It is expected to dip into the teens.

What do the weather man and every other man have in common?

They say it's going to be 10 inches, then end up only being 4 to 6.

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes