Wear Dresses Jokes

Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?
She was charged with rustling!

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party in a bar.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned: "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.
"And why not, darling?", the father asked.
You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A Flat Chested Woman Is Getting Dressed...

When her husband of 20 years looks at her and says "Why do you even worry about wearing a bra?"
His wife quickly responds " I don't know, why do you wear underwear."

Mr. Salad asks Ms. Soup to go on a date.

Mr. Salad asks Ms. Soup to go on a date. Ms. Soup accepts.
"What should I wear?" Mr. Salad asks.
She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed."

Years ago I bought a dress for my wife at a store that sells hard-to-find items.

I asked why I never see her wearing it. She said she can't find it.

My wife asked me if she looked good in the white/gold dress she was wearing.

We're divorced now.

What do you call it when the robot from Futurama gets in a minor car accident while wearing a dress?

A gender bender Bender fender bender.

I was invited to an event that requires causal dress.

Should I wear a time machine or a syllogism print?

Every time a test comes up, my friends and I joke about how we should become trophy wives.

But it seems like a lot of work to be a trophy wife; always dressing up, keeping in shape, keeping everything plucked. If I married a rich guy, I would probably wear sweatpants, watch Netflix everyday, and get fat on pizza and cookie dough. So instead of being a trophy wife, I'd be an atrophy wife.

I once met Bruce Willis

I once met Bruce Willis at a fancy dress party. He was wearing a really shabby looking nun outfit. I was told that he'd worn the same costume to every fancy dress party he'd attended for years. I suppose old habits die hard.

Arthur tells his mother: "So, can you guess which one of the girls I introduced you to today is my girlfriend?"

Without missing a beat the mother replies "The one wearing a green dress."
Surprised Arthur then says "Woa mother...that's very good, she's the one. So...how did you know?"
Mother: "Because that was the only one I didn't like..."

Southern man getting a Vasectomy, no not the cherry bomb joke.

A man from the southern US goes to the doctor to get a vasectomy. He wears his finest 3 piece suit with his best shoes. When the nurse is getting him ready she asks him why he's dressed so fancy. The man replies, "Well heck, if I'ma be impotent, I'ma look impo'tant too."

I told my friend I'm planning on wearing a kilt to his wedding. He asked "What's the tartan?"

I said "She's wearing a red dress."

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!

A women tells her husband

"Isn't it nice that my wedding dress still fits me when none of my friends can wear theirs?"
To which the husband replies "Yeah, but you forget honey, you were 9 months pregnant then too"

Next time I hit the club, I'm coloring myself head to toe with a permanent marker, and that's all I'll wear.

Because every girl's crazy 'bout a Sharpie-dressed man.

Women's dresses are like condoms

No issue wearing them once to an event, but not to two events

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Every year for Halloween I go dressed as a shark

Every year for Halloween I go dressed as a shark. But, I've done this for the last few years so the joke is wearing fin

On Halloween, a werewolf went out dressed as a Klingon, but got lost

He's a Wear-Worf Where-Wolf

A woman is trying on a dress in a store and asks the sales girl if she thinks the neckline is too low.

The salesgirl asks her, "Have you got hair on your chest?"
"Of course not." says the woman wearing the dress.
"Then the neckline is too low." Replies the sales girl.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, Hey man, what are you supposed to be?
He replies, Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle.
His friends respond, A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?
The man replies, Oh that's just Michelle.

Scottish Joke: After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt...

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

I bought a see-through dress, and my husband must be embarassed...

everytime I wear it, he doesn't look me in the eye.

3 wives want to decide what to wear

The first one says, "My husband has black hair so I will wear a black dress"
The second one says, "My husband has grey hair so I will wear a grey dress"
The third wife, on hear this starts panicking.
When asked she tell the other two, "My husband is bald"

"That's a really nice dress you're wearing, what fabric is that?" "It's cotton."

"Wow, and here I am thinking it must be felt."

How do you make your girlfriend stop believing in the Earth being flat?

You make her wear a dress that shows a map of the Earth.

A male polar bear walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing a dress.

What seems to be the problem today? The psychiatrist asks.

I don't know. Here lately it just seems like everything makes me angry and that I have no way to control my emotions. What do you thinks wrong?

I think you're just bi-polar.

If you wanted to stay completely anonymous, which item of clothing would be the worst to wear?

A dress.

A friend was having a Nirvana themed fancy dress party. I didn't know what to wear. He said 'Come as you are'

I hate double standards

When celebrities wear near see-through dresses, they are "chic" and " fashionable", but when I do it I'm "wasting cling wrap" and "ruining Christmas"

I call this my brexit dress..

Every time I wear it people want me out of it and when I'm out they want me back in.

Dress for the job you want, not the one you have, they said.

I'd like to be a CEO, but I'm afraid to wear a dark suit like my uncle did, in his coffin.

A priest was invited to attend a house party

.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked.

"Ever since my husband found a strange
pair under the bed."

Since other people liked the turkish joke I translated, here's another one

Nasreddin Hodja was on his deathbed. He called her wife and told her to dress up nicely and wear makeup. She was confused about why he wanted that, so she asked him why.
Well, when the reaper comes he might like you more and take you with him instead of me.