Wear A Condom Jokes
135 wear a condom jokes and hilarious wear a condom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wear a condom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Wear A Condom Short Jokes
Short wear a condom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wear a condom humour may include short wearing condoms jokes also.
- "Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived.." "Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived, I think I'll wear gold."
"Maybe you should wear silver and come second for a change!" - My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!! Guess you don't need an umbrella if it's never gonna rain...
- I dumped my blonde girlfriend after she tried to poke holes in one of the condoms. She might have gotten away with it had I not been wearing it at the time.
- I have a friend who wears condoms while he masturbates... I told him I'm fairly certain that you can't get her pregnant from across the room in her closet.
- Condoms are supposed to provide protection But my friend was wearing one and he suffocated.
- My girlfriend tried to poke holes in one of my condoms with a needle. Which I wouldn't have been too angry about, had I not been wearing it at the time.
- Condoms aren't as safe as they make them out to be... My friend was wearing one when he got hit by a truck. He's not doing too well...
- Warning, Condoms aren't totally safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.
- Women's dresses are like condoms No issue wearing them once to an event, but not to two events
- Irish Joke #76331 Why does an Irishman wear three condoms?
To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!
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Wear A Condom One Liners
Which wear a condom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wear a condom? I can suggest the ones about condoms and wearing protection.
- I wear camouflage condoms So they can't see me coming
- What do masks and condoms have in common? It's safe to come inside if you're wearing one
- Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? So she wouldn't get hearing aids.
- Wear camouflage condoms Never let em see you coming
- Condoms aren't 100% safe. My buddy was wearing one when he got hit by a bus.
- I don't think condoms are 100% safe My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!
- I'm so selfish.... I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
- Condoms cannot be considered safe A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.
- Why does mia Khalifa only make black men wear condoms? She wants a dad for her kids
- Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.
- What do you call a guy who wears two condoms? Justin Case
- I don't wear condoms.... they irritate my sores.
- Why do the Irish wear 2 condoms at once? To be sure, to be sure
- I have a life pro tip I never wear condoms
- Why don't Brazilians wear condoms? Because they all pull out.
Wear A Condom Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about wear a condom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean used condoms jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wear a condom pranks.
A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight." The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?""
Chuck Norris does not wear a c**....
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.
My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister…
This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have s**... with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her p**... off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a c**... during s**....
All the slide were just pictures of me.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a c**... if I ever had s**....
He said, Any person willing to have s**... with you will sleep with almost anyone else.
So a man walks in to a CVS..
and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size c**... he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your c**... size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size c**... he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".
**tl;dr - h**....**
I recall my first time with a c**......
I must have been 16.I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty."Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside."Do these excite you?" she asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the c**... on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk."Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that c**... on?" she asked.I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.She fainted.
A beautiful young woman marries a wealthy elderly man...
thinking that he'll die very soon. "Probably the first time we have s**...." she thinks to herself. After the wedding, they arrive at the hotel and it's s**... time. The old man says he needs to get ready, and goes into the bathroom. When he emerges, he is wearing nothing but a c**..., nose plugs, and ear plugs. Shocked, the young woman says, "I understand the c**..., but what are the ear and nose plugs for?" The old man replies, "If there's two things I hate, it's the sound of a screaming woman, and the smell of burning rubber."
Little boy and a priest
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a c**..., and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar."
olimpic condoms
The husband comes home and tells his wife : "honey, i got some olimpic condoms !" the wife asks: "olimpic? what do you mean by that?" "Yeah..olimpic. they come in 3 different colors: gold, silver and bronze. And guess what ? Tonight i think of wearing the gold ones !" to which the wife replies: "Honey..could you please wear the silver ones?! I'd love for you to finish second.."
Three men in prison are about to be executed.
There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of h**....
The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard.
Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards lead him to a wall, six other guards point their weapons at him, and they open fire. The man dies fairly slowly, choking on his own blood.
The third man is totally calm. He says, somewhat smugly, that he'd like to be given the h**... injection.
The guards summon the doctor, who gives the third man his injection. Back in his own cell later, the third man begins laughing quietly to himself. Confused, his bunkmate asks what's so funny.
"Those idiots," the man replies. "I was wearing a c**... the whole time!"
Guy's first c**... story
I recall my first time with a c**..., I was
16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of
condoms at the pharmacy. There was this
beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new
at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I
knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first
time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one
out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight
and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the
store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the
door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.👙
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could
do was nod my head. She then said it was
time to slip the c**... on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her p**... and laid down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful,
that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that c**... on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to
show her.
Bobby buys condoms
Bobby walks into a drug store to buy condoms but couldn't find them. He tells the pharmacist "I'm going to need a dozen condoms?". The pharmacist replies "Sure thing. Big night tonight?" With a chuckle and a smile the Bobby said "Oh yeah, I'm going to take my girlfriends virginity tonight. She's a bit too immature for me but I'm still gonna pop her cherry. Might as well wear it out before I kick her to the curb". The pharmacist shakes his head and sells the boy the condoms.
Later that night, Bobby knocks on his girlfriends door and the pretty teenage girl answers. With a big hug she says, "Come, I want you to meet my family". "This is my mother and father", the young girl said. "Hello ma'am, hello sir, I was going to take your daughter to a movie and come straight back but only if I have your permission and blessing." With a big smile the girl says "Bobby, you never told me you were such a polite gentleman". Bobby sternly looked at her and said "yeah... and you never told me your dad was a pharmacist".
Why did the man wear a frog for a c**...?
So he was ribbit for her pleasure.
I recall my first time with a c**..., I must have been 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the c**... on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that c**... on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.
What's the best thing about dating Casey Anthony?
You don't have to wear a c**....
How do you get a black man to wear a c**...?
You put a Nike logo on it.
wear a c**......
i kid you not
Precious Father-Son Time
When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a c**......they were all just pictures of me.
If abortion is m**......
wearing a c**... must be kidnapping.
I found out I was can't wear latex condoms
They give me an allergic e**...
What's the safest form of s**...?
Wear a c**..., and a glove.
Former President George W. Bush was giving his speech when suddenly...
... an anti-Bush campaign leader ran to the platform and said "I hate you! I hate America because of you!". Before security had any time to respond, the guy pulled out a syringe and stabbed Pres. Bush on the arm and said "Ha! That was my blood inside the syringe! And I have AIDS! Goodbye, Bush!"
After the commotion, Pres. Bush was surprisingly calm. The media asked him "So, are you ok? You have AIDS now! What are you gonna do?"
Pres. Bush replied "Ow, don't worry about that. I have protection - I'm was wearing a c**... when he stabbed me."
My girlfriend and I went to her sister's house...
We both sat down on the couch with her sister, who was wearing a revealing dress on. We talked and talked until my girlfriend went out to go buy something real quick, leaving me and her sister alone.
As soon as she left, her sister started flirting with me. What really caught me by surprise was when she asked me to have s**... with her while my girlfriend was away.
I immediately got up from the couch and headed outside towards my car. There, my girlfriend was outside waiting for me and jumped on me, hugging me. "I knew you wouldn't cheat on me. It was a test and you passed." She kissed me.
Moral of the story: Always leave your condoms in the car
Why doesn't the old man like to wear condoms when his wife blew him?
He likes gummies bare.
What's the worst thing a girl can wear to bed?
A c**...
God wasn't trying to get Marry pregnant with Jesus.
Turns out he was wearing a holey c**....
Why do Canadians wear tuques?
Because condoms are too brittle at minus 20.
I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.
Because I wasn't wearing a c**....
Why does Snoop Dogg wear a c**...?
Fo jizzle.
I never liked wearing condoms.
We have a sort of glove-hate relationship.
My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during s**....
The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
When does one plus one equal three?
When you forget to wear a c**....
A man is out shopping and discovers
a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
I don't wear a c**... when I'm having s**... with my girlfriend.
Mostly because I'm afraid the plastic on plastic rubbing will cause a tear and make her deflate.
What kind of condoms do frogs wear?
Rib-bed
Why do Gay guys wear condoms?
To play star wars.
A c**... isn't completely safe.
A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If a guy says he can't feel anything while wearing a c**......
Ask him if he can feel the money being s**... out of his paycheck for the next 18 years
Why did the police officer hate wearing condoms?
Because his dad was killed by armed rubbers.
What is a surgeon's excuse for not wearing a c**...?
Don't worry baby, I'm sterile.
My friend has recently decided to wear glow in the dark condoms to spice up s**... with his girlfriend...
I told him that it might finally help them see the light at the end of the tunnel.
A man walks into a store to buy condoms
He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"
Wife: What's so special about them.
Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.
Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?
Husband: The gold one of course!
Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.
Why is it prestigious to wear a c**...?
It's a members-only jacket.
Why should you wear a c**... when writing C++ code?
It's full of std vectors.
I have a feeling Gordon Ramsay likes to wear condoms when he has s**...
Because he doesn't like it raw.
Condoms don't guarantee safe s**... anymore....
My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.
My girlfriend made me wear a camouflage c**...
... she never saw me coming.
There's nothing worse than looking down after s**... and seeing that limp, used c**... hanging off your p**...…
Especially when you weren't wearing one when you began.
My wife keeps complaining about me wearing sock while we have s**...…
I *suppose* a c**... would be better...
Amy Schumer had some great advice for her date.
You have to pretend like you want to use a c**.... I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'
Taste of Love
After 10 years of marriage John decides to spice up his s**... life.
He buys various flavored condoms and when he comes home he blindfolds his wife and leads her to the bedroom.
Mary, I want you to go down on me and tell me what flavor c**... I'm wearing!
Cheese&Onions!
Wait wait let me put one on first!
I'm a people person...
Your daddy is so bald when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a busted c**...
Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during s**....
A friend was wearing one and he got shot by the girl's boyfriend.
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"
Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.
"Gold of course!" I said proudly.
She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Her: I want to be safe so you have to wear a c**...
Him: Don't worry, I'm a Broward County Sheriff Deputy so there's no chance I'll come inside.
A doctor tells a man "Your wife is pregnant."
Man: I was wearing a c**...!
Doctor: But I wasn't.
Why does Poseidon always wear a c**...?
So he doesn't get merm-AIDS
Olympic condoms (n**...)
A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"
Why does Gordon Ramsay always wear a c**...?
Because he never likes it raw
My girlfriend told me to wear a gold c**...
So I came first for once
Did you know that s**... can induce birth?
Especially if you don't wear a c**....
Condoms do not guarantee safe s**...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband
Condoms do not guarantee safe s**...
I've been wearing one for months and still haven't gotten any s**...
My wife and I got into bed last night
I said "That box of different coloured condoms arrived, I think I'll wear the gold one today."
She replied: "Why don't you wear the silver and come second for once?"