The Best 87 Weapons Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Weapons jokes. There are some weapons armor jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these weapons nra puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Weapons Jokes and Puns

Activision stated that there would be no loot boxes or weapons tied behind something you have to pay for in the newest CoD

Lol who is buying that.

Two knights stood to face each other

They both unsheathed their weapons, ready to duel

The first knight drew his longsword, confident he would defeat his opponent with wit and skill

The second knight drew a large block of cheddar cheese

The first knight scoffed and said, "And just how to you expect to best me with that?!"

"That's easy," said the second knight. " It's extra sharp."

What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons?

Those are the wrong Sais

Weapons joke, What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of

Two martial artists...

...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an ÊpÊe. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen feinted.

An American customs agent and an Canadian customs agent are having a beer after a long week.

The Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American redneck trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"

The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are you carrying any fruits or vegetables?' The kid thinks for a second and says 'Is marijuana a vegetable?'"


How do we know Iran doesn't have weapons of mass destruction?

You can't destroy mass, silly.

What do people who refuse to fight use as weapons?

Their pacifists

Weapons joke, What do people who refuse to fight use as weapons?

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

8 letter word for the somewhat-outdated practice by male prisoners of giving their female co-criminals first pick at the bootleg weapons?

Shivalry.

LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command:

It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on.

Edit* changed were to are

Doctor joke

Two doctors mortally offend each other and resolve to fight a duel. But they have no clue about the traditional dueling weapons -- swords, pistols, etc. After some thought, they decide to use the most deadly weapon of which each is an undoubted expert: They exchange prescriptions.

You can explore weapons enlist reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean weapons combat dad jokes. There are also weapons puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Our baby's new nickname is Assad...

..because he keeps assaulting us with gas that is definitely in violation of the Chemical Weapons Convention.

Engineers

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.

Why did the UN outlaw diet pills?

Because they're weapons of mass destruction.

The GOP should change their stance on the internet utility bill from "obamacare of the internet" to...

WEAPONS OF MASTURBATION

At the Holland border.

So a guy is going through the Holland custom. The officer ask him:

-Do you have alcohol?

-No.

-Do you have weapons?

-No.

-Do you have drugs?

-No.

-Want some?

Weapons joke, At the Holland border.

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

America is finally getting around to banning some dangerous weapons after the latest mass shooting

Its a shame nobody was killed by a flag

Can a ninja throw projectile weapons?

Shuriken!


How do Reavers keep their weapons looking so good?

They run them through the Wash.

Where do bears store their military weapons?

In bearracks.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

What do you call someone who keeps trying the same thing again and again, yet expects different results?

A weapons designer for the First Order.

What weapons did the Romans use to fight the Carthaginians

As-salt rifles

I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.

Iran can't possibly have weapons of mass destruction...

Because mass can neither be created nor destroyed.

Got pulled over tonight. Cop asked if I had any weapons.

I showed him my guns. He laughed.

What do somolian pirates use as weapons?

Arrrrpg's

A cop pulls over a woman

The officer comes to the window of the car and asks the woman "Mam, do you have any weapons in the car?"

The woman replies "Well, I have a 12 gauge in the trunk, a smith and wesen in the glove compartment, a colt on my side, and a derenger strapped to my boot."

The officer says "My god woman, what are you afraid of?"

She says "Absolutely nothing."

ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

What weapons do pengiuns have?

Pen-guinades.

How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.

The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

A guy is getting arrested...

... When the cop asks him "Sir, do you have any weapons on you?"

The guy flexes his biceps and says "Not unless you count these guns."

The cop rolls his eyes and said "No sir, we don't count your arms as weapons."

The guy replied "Good, I wouldn't want you to disarm me."

I came up with that one a couple of weeks back. Hope you guys don't think it's too lame.

I'm opening a store that specializes in selling automatic weapons.

It's called Bloodbath & Beyond

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.

Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?

Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space

Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.

**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.

**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.

**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.

The Nazis didn't use chemical weapons...

The Nazis didn't use chemical weapons, they used the power of german engineering.

If we're being honest, there is really only one country that has to worry about North Koreas nuclear weapons...

That country being North Korea.

What do you call a phaser-flavored soda?

Mountain D.E.W.

[Directed-Energy Weapon](#s)

Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

What do you call someone who buys weapons from North Korea?

An Archeologist.

Starting today, the United States military began phasing out traditional opaque arms for transparent weapons.

They are beginning preparations for a newclear war.

North Korea wants nuclear weapons so bad, even their leader is a nuke

Little boy and Fat Man

Alien 1: The dominant life form on planet earth have developed satellite based nuclear weapons.

Alien 2: Are they an emerging intelligence?

Alien 1: I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

Breaking news: A teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a compass and a divider.

The cited reason for the arrest was: " He was carrying weapons of math instruction".

I covered all my weapons in glue.

I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe she is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. She is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Why Do Men Wear Underwear?

As Per Military Rules, All Types Of Weapons Should Be Kept Covered During Peace Time

A group of adventurers walked into a bar.

"You can't bring your weapons in here!" the bartender yelled. "Why would you want to, anyways?"

"Mimics," the group's leader responded. "You can never be too careful."

After a moment, the bartender laughed, slowly followed by the rests of the group. "How ridiculous!" they all said.

"Ridiculous indeed!" said the nearby table.

I found out what that math teacher with graph paper from yesterday's joke was plotting....

...weapons of math instruction.

An MMO party walked into a bar

The barkeep asked why they carried their weapons in the bar

the party leader said "mimics"

The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed.

We killed that table. It was a good time.

What's the difference between a weapons factory and a Palestinian preschool?

I don't know, I just pilot the drone.

In a world with no weapons, the one armed man . . .

Could still have a better punchline than this.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Damned TSA

If airport security asks you if you have any weapons don't say, "No, I prefer to kill with my bare hands." They don't think it's funny, apparently.

I just took a dump so vile

That the US is invading my house and accusing me of using chemical weapons

What's the difference between Syria and a nuclear weapons test site?

The test site will be evacuated.

Why did the Persians invade ancient Greece?

They were looking for weapons of math destruction.

I'll see myself out.

They might deny pouring glue on my weapons...

But I'm sticking to my guns.

I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boots. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought...

"A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I'm sticking to my guns.

Imagine a world where nobody is starving

A world where everybody is happy. Everybody is friendly. A world with no conflict. No wars. No weapons.

Now imagine invading that world because they would never see it coming.

The large Chinese army would be a lot more intimidating....

....if their weapons weren't made in China.

(I really didn't know whether this belonged here or in shower thoughts)

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

My old maths teacher was arrested today.

In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"
USA: "Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why did you attack Syria now?"
USA: "Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why didn't you attack North Korea then?"
USA: "Are you out of your mind? They really have Weapons of Mass Destruction"

Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

Japan can't make weapons but it can make..

Weabo-ns.

I like my joke and I don't care

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

Why does Target not sell weapons?

The two don't mix very well if you ask me.

What does the man that sticks weapons up his ass have?

An arsenal.

WMD

Donald Trump says intelligence points to Covid-19's origins in a Chinese laboratory. Now, i'm not saying that it wasn't developed in a Chinese lab, and i'm not saying that his intelligence agency's could be wrong. But i do have one question - Have we found the Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq yet?

Swedish recruit goes in to the Supply Sergeant for his first weapons issue:

*" Hallo, my name is Hans ... where are my arms? "*

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

You're police with Special weapons and tactics Harry

I'm a SWAT?

A party of adventurers walk into a tavern

fully armed and sit down at a table. The bartender comes over and asks, "Hey, why do you guys have your weapons ready?"

The party leader replies, "Mimics."

The bartender laughs.

The party laughs.

The table laughs.

A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.

I said 'Mimics.'

The party laughed.

The barkeep laughed.

The table laughed.

We killed the table. Good times.

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been caught in procession of weapons of math instruction!"

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the Police on suspicion of terrorism

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the Police on suspicion of terrorism.

The Police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges.

In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been caught in possession of weapons of maths instruction!"

I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges

They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed

Why did Russia not deploy their weapons in the Cold War?

It was just Stalin.

A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of illegal weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he's found anything incriminating yet.

He replies hastily.. Well, possibly something biological and I don't see any missiles but.. I C BMs.

How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.

One alien says to another, The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.

The second alien replies, Are they an emerging intelligence?

The first alien says, I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the weapons grenades jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working weapons ammo piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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