Wealth Jokes
70 wealth jokes and hilarious wealth puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wealth that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh your way to financial success with our collection of the best wealth jokes! Discover a range of jokes related to wealth management, health, abundance, portfolio, and possessions. Whether you're new to wealth management or an experienced investor, you're sure to enjoy these light-hearted jokes.
Funniest Wealth Short Jokes
Short wealth jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wealth humour may include short income jokes also.
- If you could have Bill Gates' wealth or cure all the suffering in Africa... What colour Ferrari would you get?
- A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'
Student answers: 'A whip' - Did you know you have to be in the top 1% of wealth to get admitted to the clinic for obese Parkinson's sufferers? Only the biggest movers and shakers get in.
- When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. . . . I was right.
- I came into some wealth recently, but it turns out my bank doesn't accept that kind of deposit.
- What did the Wealth of Nations say to the Communist Manifesto to cheer it up? Some day you will be red!
- Everyone knows about Adam Smith, but nobody knows about Atom Smith. He wrote the Wealth of Cations.
- Why couldn't the Medici family diversify their wealth? Because in Renaissance times, stocks were bonds.
- In some cultures, eunuchs historically have a lot of wealth and influence. It is part of their compensation package.
- A little boy says to his dad 'What is the difference between wealth and poverty?'
And the dad says:
'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'
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Wealth One Liners
Which wealth one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wealth? I can suggest the ones about fortune and profit.
- People say wealth is relative The wealthier you are, the more relatives you will get.
- I made a meme about billionaires and their wealth... ...but I couldn't share it.
- Some say youth is wasted on the young, I say wealth is wasted on the old. Also Oxycontin.
- Today is National 'Secure a rich lover' Day Mate wealth, 2016.
- Money talks, but wealth whispers. And I'm a loudmouth.
- Money is the root of all wealth.
- 82% of wealth generated in 2017 went to the top 1%
- Why are millionaires bad at swimming? Because they drown at their own wealth
- How do you measure a p**...'s wealth? You compare her income and outcome.
Wealth Management Jokes
Here is a list of funny wealth management jokes and even better wealth management puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.
Charming Humor Wealth Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about wealth you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean financial jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wealth pranks.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
An angel appears at a faculty meeting...
... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
Four guys were golfing when one gets a phone call and walks away
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons have been. The first guy explains how his son started as an entry level stock broker, but now owns his own wealth management firm. The last time he got a friend a gift, he gave him a half-million dollar investment portfolio. The second guy then brags about his son. My son is so successful, he started out as a used car salesman but now owns his own dealership. He recently gave a friend a brand new Bentley as a birthday gift. The third guy, not to be outdone, says that his son started as a carpenter but now owns a construction company. The last gift he gave a friend was a brand new house. At this point, the fourth guy returns from his call. The other gentleman ask about his son, to which he replies "Well, I'm not too pleased with my son right now. He has been unemployed for the last year and a half, and he recently told me he is gay." As the other men look at him in horror, he continues "But he must be really good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends gave him a huge stock portfolio, and new luxury car, and a brand new house."
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
A lawyer is working late one night. There's a knock on his door, and in walks Satan...
Satan walks in, takes a seat, and starts talking.
"I'm here to make you an offer. I will give you all the fame, success, power, and wealth that you've ever desired. You'll be the top of your field; you can even get into politics, if you want. Schools will adopt your name. Want to own an island? How about three islands? All of that, and more...
"...and the only thing I ask for in exchange is a promise from you. You promise that your soul, the soul of your wife, and the souls of your children will be mine for all eternity."
The lawyer says nothing. He stands up, scratches his chin, and wanders around the office for a few minutes, thinking. Finally he turns to Satan and says incredulously, "All right, all right, wait just a second here. What's the catch?"
Tissues
There was once a really wealthy lady in Persia. People believed she knew black magic. Curious, the Shah sent over one of his advisors:
Advisor: So how is it that you amassed all this wealth?
Lady: When I was 13 my Uncle gave me a funny looking lamp..
Advisor: ..a magical one?
Lady: Indeed. So I rubbed it, like he told me..
Advisor: ..Aah, and a genie appeared?
Lady: Indeed.
Advisor: And you asked for all the wealth you have?
Lady: No. Just tissues.. The wealth I got from his will.
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
A very wealthy man was riding in the back of his limousine...
One afternoon, a very wealthy man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the roadside.
The man ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of them.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man."
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine.
One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The wealthy man replied: "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"
So a wealthy Texan's son is getting married...
...and his son asks if he can give his deceased mother's ring to his bride. His father is all for this, and someone suggests that he have it appraised for insurance purposes.
The father has a lady friend who is a professional appraiser, so he invites her to look at the ring. She agrees, and says that her "fee" will be a supper at a very nice Dallas restaurant.
After dessert, they are lingering over coffee; he presents the ring to his friend, she opens the box and takes out her jeweler's loupe, carefully examines it for awhile...
...puts it back in the box and returns it to him...
...and at the next table, someone exclaims, "My God, I've heard these Texas women were picky, but THAT takes the cake!"
Hillary Meets with Satan
Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
Donald Trump's has said his favorite movie is Citizen Kane
It's about a guy who inherited his wealth, flirted with fascism, and ended up a delusional, sad man.
I really don't have anything to add to that.
Where does the wealthy mycologist go shopping?
Fungal Bloomingdale's.
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...
She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
A farmer wins twelve million dollars on the lotto max.
A reporter asks him what he plans to do with his new found wealth?
Well I'll just keep on farming till it's gone I guess.
Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?
Two Prussian soldiers are talking to a captured French Soldier.
The Prussians ask, 'What do you fight for?'
'For money,' the Frenchman replies.
'You see, we Prussians fight not for wealth, but for honor!'
The Frenchman replies, 'So it is true that all men fight for what they lack.'
A wealthy gentleman began to chat with a poor woman on the streets of 17th century London
He asked how many children she had.
Six, she answered.
Here is a sixpence for them, he responded, handing her a coin.
No, sir, she said proudly, I will not sell my children.
A 50 year old women posts a dating ad.
" I need a man who wont beat me, wont leave me, and must be good in bed. Will share all my wealth."
A day later, she hears her door bell ring. To her surprise a man with no legs or arms in a wheel chair greets her.
" this is a joke right? Are you here about the ad?" says the women.
"Yes I am. You need a man who can't beat you, i don't have arms. I can't leave you, I don't have legs."
"That is true." says the women. "Are you at least good in bed?"
"I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
What did the wealthy cloud say to the storm cloud?
Let's make it rain!
Where do wealthy feminists live?
Womansions
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each
The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the f**..., each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No wonder the devil has so much wealth to temp people with...
He's been laundering money in an off-sheol account.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jeff Bezos personal wealth grows to $150 Billion
He should simply change his spelling to
**J€££ B€zo$**
What did the wealthy cow drive?
A cattleack.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.
Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.
"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.
Give up?
A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
A wealthy woman comes back home to her husband...
A wealthy woman comes back home to her husband, she is panting and shaking.
_Wife:_ We have to fire the chauffeur, it's the second time he's tried to kill me!
_Husband:_ Come on, honey. You gotta give him another chance!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wealthy loves the s**... ship
While the Welsh loves the s**... sheep
A WEALTHY SCIENTIST DATED A HOBO
IT WAS AN IRONIC BOND.
What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?
Mr Yeast
Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......
The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."
The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.
"How??" Demands the first one.
"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."
"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.
"You see my friend" sighed the second one, "I still have my wife!"
A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.
The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.
An old millionaire is asked how he gained his wealth...
He says: "When I was a young man in the middle of the Great Depression, all I had was five cents. With that five cents, I bought an apple, shined and scrubbed it all day, and at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents. With the ten cents, I bought two apples, scrubbed and shined them all day, and at the end of the day, I sold them for twenty cents. This went on for a week. Then my uncle died and left me twenty million dollars."
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can't take it with you
A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does as asked and soon after the man dies.
A few months later the wife is cleaning out the attic and finds the suitcase. "s**... idiot" she says "I knew I should have put it in the basement."
Between wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?
teacher : If you are offered wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?
student : wealth
teacher: No. That's a bad answer. I will choose wisdom .
students: that's ok sir. We have to choose what we don't have.
A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.
Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.
The Right Choice
An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."
The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."
Who's the wealthiest fish in the sea?
Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
This belongs to you, said Saint Peter.
Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in? the man demanded.
We did the best we could with the money you sent us! Saint Peter replied.
A very wealthy man on his deathbed
Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".
If a wealthy ancient Roman had a private bathroom on the sixth floor of his home...
...did that make it a VI P room?
"Tell us you're wealthy without saying you're wealthy"
"Jeeves, tell those people I'm wealthy"
