Wealth Jokes

73 wealth jokes and hilarious wealth puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wealth that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh your way to financial success with our collection of the best wealth jokes! Discover a range of jokes related to wealth management, health, abundance, portfolio, and possessions. Whether you're new to wealth management or an experienced investor, you're sure to enjoy these light-hearted jokes.

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Funniest Wealth Short Jokes

Short wealth jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wealth humour may include short income jokes also.

  1. 8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people
  2. If you could have Bill Gates' wealth or cure all the suffering in Africa... What colour Ferrari would you get?
  3. A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'
    Student answers: 'A whip'
  4. Did you know you have to be in the top 1% of wealth to get admitted to the clinic for obese Parkinson's sufferers? Only the biggest movers and shakers get in.
  5. When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. . . . I was right.
  6. I came into some wealth recently, but it turns out my bank doesn't accept that kind of deposit.
  7. If one's wealth was determined by how closely one follows a moral code Evangelicals would finally be as poor as Jesus wants them to be
  8. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive They still wouldn't date me, despite my wealth.
  9. What did the Wealth of Nations say to the Communist Manifesto to cheer it up? Some day you will be red!
  10. Everyone knows about Adam Smith, but nobody knows about Atom Smith. He wrote the Wealth of Cations.

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Wealth One Liners

Which wealth one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wealth? I can suggest the ones about fortune and profit.

  1. Why are rich british people fat? because they measure their wealth in pounds
  2. People say wealth is relative The wealthier you are, the more relatives you will get.
  3. I made a meme about billionaires and their wealth... ...but I couldn't share it.
  4. Some say youth is wasted on the young, I say wealth is wasted on the old. Also Oxycontin.
  5. Why are rich brits so fat? Because they measure their wealth in pounds
  6. Today is National 'Secure a rich lover' Day Mate wealth, 2016.
  7. Money talks, but wealth whispers. And I'm a loudmouth.
  8. What do you call an Arab who built his wealth by selling dairy products? A milk-sheikh
  9. Money is the root of all wealth.
  10. 82% of wealth generated in 2017 went to the top 1%
  11. Why are millionaires bad at swimming? Because they drown at their own wealth
  12. How do you measure a p**...'s wealth? You compare her income and outcome.

Wealth Management Jokes

Here is a list of funny wealth management jokes and even better wealth management puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Dear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.
Wealth joke

Charming Humor Wealth Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about wealth you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean financial jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wealth pranks.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."

Toy for a birthday.

A man went to a toy store in order to buy his daughter a toy for her birthday.
He asked an employee for a popular girl toy. The employee offered a Barbie.
The man asked for prices and so the employee started listing them out:
"we have a normal Barbie for 30$,
dancer Barbie for 50$,
nurse Barbie for 50$,
and divorced Barbie for 500$"
"500$?!?!? Why is it so expensive?"
"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's villa and Ken's wealth"

So this wealthy lawyer parks his Rolls-Royce on a busy street

and as he opens his door, a truck come screaming by and tears off the car door. The guy jumps out and yells, "My car! My beautiful car!" and a man standing nearby says, "you pig, you're so worried about your expensive car that you didn't even notice that your arm's missing too!" Hearing that, the lawyer yells, "Oh God, my Rolex!"

A little boy says to his dad

'What is the difference between wealth and poverty?'
And the dad says:
'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'

Donald Trump's has said his favorite movie is Citizen Kane

It's about a guy who inherited his wealth, flirted with fascism, and ended up a delusional, sad man.
I really don't have anything to add to that.

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...

She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:

A farmer wins twelve million dollars on the lotto max.

A reporter asks him what he plans to do with his new found wealth?
Well I'll just keep on farming till it's gone I guess.

Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated

Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?

Two Prussian soldiers are talking to a captured French Soldier.

The Prussians ask, 'What do you fight for?'
'For money,' the Frenchman replies.
'You see, we Prussians fight not for wealth, but for honor!'
The Frenchman replies, 'So it is true that all men fight for what they lack.'

A wealthy gentleman began to chat with a poor woman on the streets of 17th century London

He asked how many children she had.
Six, she answered.
Here is a sixpence for them, he responded, handing her a coin.
No, sir, she said proudly, I will not sell my children.

What did the wealthy cloud say to the storm cloud?

Let's make it rain!

Why couldn't the Medici family diversify their wealth?

Because in Renaissance times, stocks were bonds.

What's the wealthiest country in the world?

Ireland, because it's capital is always Dublin.

A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the f**..., each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.

Jeff Bezos personal wealth grows to $150 Billion

He should simply change his spelling to
**J€££ B€zo$**

A wealthy art collector got a call from his lawyer...

Lawyer: I have good news and bad news.
Art Collector: I've had a bad day, so lets start with the good news.
Lawyer: Well, your wife has invested a couple hundred dollars in a a few pictures that she expects to get a couple million for.
Art Collector: That's great! What's the bad news?
Lawyer: Well, the pictures are of you and your secretary.

What did the wealthy cow drive?

A cattleack.

In some cultures, eunuchs historically have a lot of wealth and influence.

It is part of their compensation package.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.
Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.
"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.
Give up?
A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

A wealthy woman comes back home to her husband...

A wealthy woman comes back home to her husband, she is panting and shaking.
_Wife:_ We have to fire the chauffeur, it's the second time he's tried to kill me!
_Husband:_ Come on, honey. You gotta give him another chance!

The wealthy loves the s**... ship

While the Welsh loves the s**... sheep



What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?

Mr Yeast

A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.

The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.

An old millionaire is asked how he gained his wealth...

He says: "When I was a young man in the middle of the Great Depression, all I had was five cents. With that five cents, I bought an apple, shined and scrubbed it all day, and at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents. With the ten cents, I bought two apples, scrubbed and shined them all day, and at the end of the day, I sold them for twenty cents. This went on for a week. Then my uncle died and left me twenty million dollars."

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.

A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.

So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."

You can't take it with you

A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does as asked and soon after the man dies.
A few months later the wife is cleaning out the attic and finds the suitcase. "s**... idiot" she says "I knew I should have put it in the basement."

Between wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?

teacher : If you are offered wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?
student : wealth
teacher: No. That's a bad answer. I will choose wisdom .
students: that's ok sir. We have to choose what we don't have.

A wealthy Frenchman was showing me his yacht...

This is un, this is deux, this is t**..., this is quatre, this is six...
What happened to 5? I asked

A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.

Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.

The Right Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."
The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."

What to pick

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Who's the wealthiest fish in the sea?

Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft

A wealthy man died and went to heaven.

He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
This belongs to you, said Saint Peter.
Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in? the man demanded.
We did the best we could with the money you sent us! Saint Peter replied.

A very wealthy man on his deathbed

Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: Can I talk to my wife, please?

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I'll stay on the line
Very well, sir , the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a moment later, the butler returns to the phone.
I shot them both, sir. What should I do with the bodies?
I don't care, throw them in the pool
We don't have a pool, sir
Ah, sorry, wrong number

If a wealthy ancient Roman had a private bathroom on the sixth floor of his home...

...did that make it a VI P room?

"Tell us you're wealthy without saying you're wealthy"

"Jeeves, tell those people I'm wealthy"

Wealth joke, "Tell us you're wealthy without saying you're wealthy"

jokes about wealth