ways Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ways puns

What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people looking both ways before they start

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10 Ways to cut down on clickbait!

Well, that wasn't one of them.

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A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

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A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

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Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"

Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

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Wife has strange ways of starting a conversation..

... out of nowhere she'll ask me: are you even listening at all?

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[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop...

...when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened."

So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off.

Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."

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I saw a Buzzfeed article about the top 10 ways to execute someone.

Number 3 will shock you.

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There are 70 ways to make a man happy...

One is booze and the other is 69.

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The Lord moves in mysterious ways. But you don't.

Use your turn signal.

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Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW]

During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular.

During the Bush years, the demand for "dumb blonde" types hit an all time high.

During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off.

And recently, incest porn has become really popular.

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There's a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It's really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

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British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

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Me: Why is gay marriage such an issue now-a-days?

Friend: Because people are FUCKING ASSHOLES!

This can be taken in two ways and both are correct.

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My wife is a lot like Apple

Always finding new and innovative ways to be annoying.

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A Priest and a Prostitute

One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.

Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"

The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"

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Hope it's not a repost, heard this on the radio today...

Cheech and Chong are partying down in Tijuana, when they spot a dog up the road a ways.

Looking closer, they see the dog is frolicking about in the intersection, having a great time licking himself.

Cheech exclaims, "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Chong replies, "well... maybe you should try to pet him first, man."

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A guy goes to prison for the first time.

A guy goes to prison for the first time. After he's processed, he gets sent to his cell, where he meets his cell mate.

Cell mate: "Alright, this can go one of two ways. Either you can be the Mama Bear, or you can be the Papa Bear.

New guy: "Really? Well, if I have a choice in the matter, I'll be the Papa Bear!"

Cell mate: "Okay then, Papa Bear. Why don't you come over here and suck Mama Bear's dick?"

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There are three ways to spread news

telegram, television and tellawoman.

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So, a blonde and a brunette are at the mall...

and they see this really good looking guy. Being very outgoing girls they strike up a conversation. After they part ways, the blonde noticed that he had really bad dandruff.
"Yeah, we should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

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Eat the watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.

So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! "

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO! "

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A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back and forth in a pattern, until she decides to point it out.
"Do you see that baseball cap? Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen?"
"Oh, that?" replies the woman. "That's my husband. I told him he's mowing the lawn today come hell or high water."

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100 ways to please your man

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, .

I said, Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.

She smiled and said, Aww, what's that then?

I said, Pack your bags and fcuk off.

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Whales

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!

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The 100 mile per-hour goat

Two rednecks are walking through the woods in West Virginia when they come upon a large hole in the ground. They are examining the hole when one turns to the other and says "Maaaaan... that sure looks like one DEEP hole. How far down do you think it goes?" The other replies "I can't really tell, but yep... it sure looks deep. Let's find something to throw down there and see if we can hear it hit the bottom."
The two walk off a little ways and find an old rusted truck engine in the weeds. They work together to pick it up and drag it to the edge of the hole. Then, with a big heave, they push it over the side to watch it drop.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, comes a goat running head-long at the hole at what seems to be 100 miles per-hour. The goat gets to the edge of hole and without hesitation plunges head first into the abyss.
The rednecks are standing there startled and confused when an old farmer approaches. "Hey - either of you fellers seen a goat around here? I can't find him..." The rednecks tell the old farmer about what they saw and the farmer stands there scratching his head.
"Well that's just impossible!" says the farmer. "I had the damn thing tied to an old engine!"

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10 Ways to cut down on clickbait!

Does anyone know?

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Many times when I am troubled or confused...

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.


This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"


And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."


I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."


And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".


I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"


He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, SeΓ±or, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

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The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

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A man steps onto an elevator with a woman inside...

He asks her, "Where are you headed today Miss?"

She says, "I'm on my way to the blood bank to donate blood."

The man asks, "How much do you get for that?"

She responds, "$20."

He then says, "Really? I'm on my way to the sperm bank, they pay me $100."

She looks angry about that, and then they part ways.


The next day the man gets on the elevator again to see the same woman. He says, "What a coincidence seeing you again. Where are you headed today?"

She responds, "To the sperm bank." with her mouth full.

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The man that desired to understand women

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"

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Extreme Sexual Disorder

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.

They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong with him. He replies, "He has an extreme sexual disorder that causes him to be driven to the point of insanity if he is not constantly sexually stimulated."

The young doctors are shocked. They move on to the next room and peer into window. They see a super hot nurse giving a man a blowjob. The doctors ask "What is wrong with him?". The psychiatrist replies, "Same disorder, different health plan."

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A Nun walks into a construction site

An older nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.


And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.


She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked to the spot where the men were eating.


Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.


One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down. "Why?"


The worker yelled back,
"Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

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Don't drive like my brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

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An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount currency. This time though, the teller hands him less than the previous exchange. Confused, he asked the teller, "Why have you given me less dollars than before?"
"Fluctuations," replies the teller, " the markets have changed."
"Fluctuations? FLUCTUATIONS!" The Japanese man exclaims, " Fluctu-Americans, too!"

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10 ways to avoid clickbait!

Well, that wasn't one of them..

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What are the most funny Ways jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ways? Well, here are the best Ways dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ways pick up lines to share with friends.

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