Water Jokes

151 water jokes and hilarious water puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about water that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Short Water Jokes
Water One Liners
No Water Jokes
Walking On Water Jokes
Drinking Water Jokes
Water Bottles Jokes
More Water Jokes

Funniest Water Short Jokes

Short water jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The water humour may include short fluid jokes also.

My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. I know he means well.
I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa. Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rain down in Africa.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.... My boss asked what companies?
Gas, water and electricity.
You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant, If it floats it's boy ant.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" I know he means well...
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... .....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.
The best beginner pet is a Hamster. They live for 5 days and don't require any food or water.
Just been challenged to a water fight by next door brat kids... Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.
What weigh more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke
President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states. Solid, liquid and gas.

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Water One Liners

Which water one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with water? I can suggest the ones about hydro and rain.

Why does France have so many river? Water follows the path of least resistance.
Bud light has always been trans... It's water that identifies as beer.
RIP boiling water You will be mist.
This idiot on the treadmill at the gym. Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
Yo momma is so fat ... She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.
What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common? Jesus can make them both wine.
How do you jump higher on a water bed? You fill it with spring water.
Jesus may have walked on water... But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked
Today I learned boiling water was really smart. It has like, 100 degrees.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy? Add spring water
What's the opposite of Holy Water? Nestle
What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J.
Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ? Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.
The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated. The earth is flat.

No Water Jokes

Here is a list of funny no water jokes and even better no water puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..." I know he means well...
If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water" I know he means well...
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"
A joke my 4 year old came up with today... Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water? If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
The Earth's surface is 70% water. That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

Walking On Water Jokes

Here is a list of funny walking on water jokes and even better walking on water puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples... "Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...
Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans... This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
Two chemists walk into a bar. Chemist 1: I'll have H20 please
Chemist 2: I'Il have water also
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 86% water... ...I can walk on babies.
Therefore I am...
...In prison.
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 70% water. I can walk on babies. I'm... In prison.
Jesus walks into a bar and says "I'll just have water"
Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans..... Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.
A racist, a fascist, and an idiot walked into a bar "What can I get you?" Asked the bartender.
"I'll just have a water, and make sure the glass is small enough for my hands" said Donald Trump.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.
It's said that Jesus could walk on water... Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

Water joke, It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Drinking Water Jokes

Here is a list of funny drinking water jokes and even better drinking water puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you? Drown them.
H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4? Drinking.
Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1
No.2
Don't drink water while studying... Why?
Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.
Note: My first attempt. Thanks.
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed. That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Vegans who drink water disgust me. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.
TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
If you are suffering from acute depression, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.... That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Nine out of ten doctors suggest you drink water instead of soda. The one that doesn't lives in Flint, Michigan.
A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant. The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
"Water" says the Fox,
"Coffee" growls the Wolf,
And "Pop!" Goes the Weasel!

Water Bottles Jokes

Here is a list of funny water bottles jokes and even better water bottles puns that will make you laugh with friends.

You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water? In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states Solid, liquid and gas
I showed up to run a marathon, but realized that I had forgotten my water bottle. I decided to run anyway... ... I finished in 3^st
I just saw some idiot at the gym. He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle... It isn't working.
He asked for a bottle of still water. I handed him sparkling.
He said 'I asked for still water - this is sparkling.'
'Yeah - but it's still water.'
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.? Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line
A girl agreed to go on a date with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. I schwepped her off her feet.
An empty water bottle walks into a bar... The bartender says, Go home. You're drunk.

Water joke, An empty water bottle walks into a bar...

Water Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about water you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean humidity jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make water pranks.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

c**... is never a solution...

Unless it's dissolved in water.

Why are ships' portholes round?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

A man goes up to his wife...

He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.
She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"
He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have s**... then."

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

How can you tell an ant's gender?

1. Get a glass full of water
2. Throw the ant into the glass
3. If it sinks, it's girl ant
4. If it floats, it's boy ant

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"
Bartender: "Water."
Ramsay: "Fresh?"
Bartender: "No, frozen."
Ramsay: "Oh for f**...'s sake."

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

Trouble with the car

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."

My missus was furious at me for k**... dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water

Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Dad: water
Me: water who?
Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"

The United States doesn't use t**... techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber p**..., floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.
"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.
"It was a dictatorship."

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.
The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. The periodicity. The reflections. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is aslo over his head. He drowns.
The chemist is sitting on the beach making notes in his lab book.
He writes, "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water."

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

During my interview today…

I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.
Nervous? asked the interviewer.
I simply replied No, I just always give 110%

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

I've been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn't helping

I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he'll just say vaguely supportive things that really don't help. He'll say things like hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you're not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.
I know he means well.

A man walks into a bar and says I'm here to drink my troubles away!

Well you've come to the right place. says the bartender, What'll it be?
The man replies One water please
Just a water??
Yeah, I have kidney stones.

My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.

I know she means well.

My friend was like "Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be in a hole in the ground full of water."